stage-land- 第1部分

STAGE…LAND


by　Jerome　K。　Jerome






TO

THAT　HIGHLY　RESPECTABLE　BUT　UNNECESSARILY

RETIRING　INDIVIDUAL；

OF　WHOM

WE　HEAR　SO　MUCH

BUT

SEE　SO　LITTLE；

〃THE　EARNEST　STUDENT　OF　THE　DRAMA；〃

THIS

（COMPARATIVELY）　TRUTHFUL　LITTLE　BOOK

IS　LOVINGLY　DEDICATED。



CONTENTS。

THE　HERO
THE　VILLAIN
THE　HEROINE
THE　COMIC　MAN
THE　LAWYER
THE　ADVENTURESS
THE　SERVANT　GIRL
THE　CHILD
THE　COMIC　LOVERS
THE　PEASANTS
THE　GOOD　OLD　MAN
THE　IRISHMAN
THE　DETECTIVE
THE　SAILOR



STAGE…LAND。


THE　HERO。

His　name　is　George；　generally　speaking。　　〃Call　me　George！〃　he　says　to
the　heroine。　　She　calls　him　George　（in　a　very　low　voice；　because　she
is　so　young　and　timid）。　　Then　he　is　happy。

The　stage　hero　never　has　any　work　to　do。　　He　is　always　hanging　about
and　getting　into　trouble。　　His　chief　aim　in　life　is　to　be　accused　of
crimes　he　has　never　committed；　and　if　he　can　muddle　things　up　with　a
corpse　in　some　complicated　way　so　as　to　get　himself　reasonably
mistaken　for　the　murderer；　he　feels　his　day　has　not　been　wasted。

He　has　a　wonderful　gift　of　speech　and　a　flow　of　language　calculated　to
strike　terror　to　the　bravest　heart。　　It　is　a　grand　thing　to　hear　him
bullyragging　the　villain。

The　stage　hero　is　always　entitled　to　〃estates；〃　chiefly　remarkable　for
their　high　state　of　cultivation　and　for　the　eccentric　ground　plan　of
the　〃manor　house〃　upon　them。　　The　house　is　never　more　than　one　story
high；　but　it　makes　up　in　green　stuff　over　the　porch　what　it　lacks　in
size　and　convenience。

The　chief　drawback　in　connection　with　it；　to　our　eyes；　is　that　all　the
inhabitants　of　the　neighboring　village　appear　to　live　in　the　front
garden；　but　the　hero　evidently　thinks　it　rather　nice　of　them；　as　it
enables　him　to　make　speeches　to　them　from　the　front　doorstephis
favorite　recreation。

There　is　generally　a　public…house　immediately　opposite。　　This　is
handy。

These　〃estates〃　are　a　great　anxiety　to　the　stage　hero。　　He　is　not　what
you　would　call　a　business　man；　as　far　as　we　can　judge；　and　his
attempts　to　manage　his　own　property　invariably　land　him　in　ruin　and
distraction。　　His　〃estates；〃　however；　always　get　taken　away　from　him
by　the　villain　before　the　first　act　is　over；　and　this　saves　him　all
further　trouble　with　regard　to　them　until　the　end　of　the　play；　when　he
gets　saddled　with　them　once　more。

Not　but　what　it　must　be　confessed　that　there　is　much　excuse　for　the
poor　fellow's　general　bewilderment　concerning　his　affairs　and　for　his
legal　errors　and　confusions　generally。　　Stage　〃law〃　may　not　be　quite
the　most　fearful　and　wonderful　mystery　in　the　whole　universe；　but　it's
near　itvery　near　it。　　We　were　under　the　impression　at　one　time　that
we　ourselves　knew　somethingjust　a　littleabout　statutory　and　common
law；　but　after　paying　attention　to　the　legal　points　of　one　or　two
plays　we　found　that　we　were　mere　children　at　it。

We　thought　we　would　not　be　beaten；　and　we　determined　to　get　to　the
bottom　of　stage　law　and　to　understand　it；　but　after　some　six　months'
effort　our　brain　（a　singularly　fine　one）　began　to　soften；　and　we
abandoned　the　study；　believing　it　would　come　cheaper　in　the　end　to
offer　a　suitable　reward；　of　about　50；000　pounds　or　60；000　pounds；　say；
to　any　one　who　would　explain　it　to　us。

The　reward　has　remained　unclaimed　to　the　present　day　and　is　still
open。

One　gentleman　did　come　to　our　assistance　a　little　while　ago；　but　his
explanations　only　made　the　matter　more　confusing　to　our　minds　than　it
was　before。　　He　was　surprised　at　what　he　called　our　density；　and　said
the　thing　was　all　clear　and　simple　to　him。　　But　we　discovered
afterward　that　he　was　an　escaped　lunatic。

The　only　points　of　stage　〃law〃　on　which　we　are　at　all　clear　are　as
follows：

That　if　a　man　dies　without　leaving　a　will；　then　all　his　property　goes
to　the　nearest　villain。

But　if　a　man　dies　and　leaves　a　will；　then　all　his　property　goes　to
whoever　can　get　possession　of　that　will。

That　the　accidental　loss　of　the　three…and…sixpenny　copy　of　a　marriage
certificate　annuls　the　marriage。

That　the　evidence　of　one　prejudiced　witness　of　shady　antecedents　is
quite　sufficient　to　convict　the　most　stainless　and　irreproachable
gentleman　of　crimes　for　the　committal　of　which　he　could　have　had　no
possible　motive。

But　that　this　evidence　may　be　rebutted　years　afterward；　and　the
conviction　quashed　without　further　trial　by　the　unsupported　statement
of　the　comic　man。

That　if　A　forges　B's　name　to　a　check；　then　the　law　of　the　land　is　that
B　shall　be　sentenced　to　ten　years'　penal　servitude。

That　ten　minutes'　notice　is　all　that　is　required　to　foreclose　a
mortgage。

That　all　trials　of　criminal　cases　take　place　in　the　front　parlor　of
the　victim's　house；　the　villain　acting　as　counsel；　judge；　and　jury
rolled　into　one；　and　a　couple　of　policemen　being　told　off　to　follow
his　instructions。

These　are　a　few　of　the　more　salient　features　of　stage　〃law〃　so　far　as
we　have　been　able　to　grasp　it　up　to　the　present；　but　as　fresh　acts　and
clauses　and　modifications　appear　to　be　introduced　for　each　new　play；
we　have　abandoned　all　hope　of　ever　being　able　to　really　comprehend　the
subject。

To　return　to　our　hero；　the　state　of　the　law；　as　above　sketched；
naturally　confuses　him；　and　the　villain；　who　is　the　only　human　being
who　does　seem　to　understand　stage　legal　questions；　is　easily　able　to
fleece　and　ruin　him。　　The　simple…minded　hero　signs　mortgages；　bills　of
sale；　deeds　of　gift；　and　such　like　things；　under　the　impression　that
he　is　playing　some　sort　of　a　round　game；　and　then　when　he　cannot　pay
the　interest　they　take　his　wife　and　children　away　from　him　and　turn
him　adrift　into　the　world。

Being　thrown　upon　his　own　resources；　he　naturally　starves。

He　can　make　long　speeches；　he　can　tell　you　all　his　troubles；　he　can
stand　in　the　lime…light　and　strike　attitudes；　he　can　knock　the　villain
down；　and　he　can　defy　the　police；　but　these　requirements　are　not　much
in　demand　in　the　labor　market；　and　as　they　are　all　he　can　do　or　cares
to　do；　he　finds　earning　his　living　a　much　more　difficult　affair　than
he　fancied。

There　is　a　deal　too　much　hard　work　about　it　for　him。　　He　soon　gives　up
trying　it　at　all；　and　prefers　to　eke　out　an　uncertain　existence　by
sponging　upon　good…natured　old　Irish　women　and　generous　but
weak…minded　young　artisans　who　have　left　their　native　village　to
follow　him　and　enjoy　the　advantage　of　his　company　and　conversation。

And　so　he　drags　out　his　life　during　the　middle　of　the　piece；　raving　at
fortune；　raging　at　humanity；　and　whining　about　his　miseries　until　the
last　act。

Then　he　gets　back　those　〃estates〃　of　his　into　his　possession　once
again；　and　can　go　back　to　the　village　and　make　more　moral　speeches　and
be　happy。

Moral　speeches　are　undoubtedly　his　leading　article；　and　of　these；　it
must　be　owned；　he　has　an　inexhaustible　stock。　　He　is　as　chock…full　of
noble　sentiments　as　a　bladder　is　of　wind。　　They　are　weak　and　watery
sentiments　of　the　sixpenny　tea…meeting　order。　　We　have　a　dim　notion
that　we　have　heard　them　before。　　The　sound　of　them　always　conjures　up
to　our　mind　the　vision　of　a　dull　long　room；　full　of　oppressive
silence；　broken　only　by　the　scratching　of　steel　pens　and　an　occasional
whispered　〃Give　us　a　suck；　Bill。　　You　know　I　always　liked　you；〃　or　a
louder　〃Please；　sir；　speak　to　Jimmy　Boggles。　　He's　a…jogging　my
elbow。〃

The　stage　hero；　however；　evidently　regards　these　meanderings　as　gems
of　brilliant　thought；　fresh　from　the　philosophic　mine。

The　gallery　greets　them　with　enthusiastic　approval。　　They　are　a
warm…hearted　people；　galleryites；　and　they　like　to　give　a　hearty
welcome　to　old　friends。

And　then；　too；　the　sentiments　are　so　good　and　a　British　gallery　is　so
moral。　　We　doubt　if　there　could　be　discovered　on　this　earth　any　body
of　human　beings　half　so　moralso　fond　of　goodness；　even　when　it　is
slow　and　stupidso　hateful　of　meanness　in　word　or　deedas　a　modern
theatrical　gallery。

The　early　Christian　martyrs　were　sinful　and　worldly　compared　with　an
Adelphi　gallery。

The　stage　hero　is　a　very　powerful　man。　　You　wouldn't　think　it　to　look
at　him；　but　you　wait　till　the　heroine　cries　〃Help！　　Oh；　George；　save
me！〃　or　the　police　attempt　to　run　him　in。　　Then　two　villains；　three
extra　hired　ruffians　and　four　detectives　are　about　his
fighting…weight。

If　he　knocks　down　less　than　three　men　with　one　blow；　he　fears　that　he
must　be　ill；　and　wonders　〃Why　this　strange　weakness？〃

The　hero　has　his　own　way　of　making　love。　　He　always　does　it　from
behind。　　The　girl　turns　away　from　him　when　he　begins　（she　being；　as　we
have　said；　shy　and　timid）；　and　he　takes　hold　of　her　hands　and　breathes
his　attachment　down　her　back。

The　stage　hero　always　wears　patent…leather　boots；　and　they　are　always
spotlessly　clean。　　Sometimes　he　is　rich　and　lives　in　a　room　with　seven
doors　to　it；　and　at　other　times　he　is　starving　in　a　garret；　but　in
either　event　he　still　wears　brand…new　patent…leather　boots。

He　might　raise　at　least　three…and…sixpence　on　those　boots；　and　when
the　baby　is　crying　for　food；　it　occurs　to　us　that　it　would　be　better
if；　instead　of　praying　to　Heaven；　he　took　off　those　boots　and　pawned
them；　but　this　does　not　seem　to　occur　to　him。

He　crosses　the　African　desert　in　patent…leather　boots；　does　the　stage
hero。　　He　takes　a　supply　with　him　when　he　is　wrecked　on　an　uninhabited
island。　　He　arrives　from　long　and　trying　journeys；　his　clothes　are
ragged　and　torn；　but　his　boots　are　new　and　shiny。　　He　puts　on
patent…leather　boots　to　tramp　through　the　Australian　bush；　to　fight　in
Egypt；　to　discover　the　north　pole。

Sometimes　he　is　a　gold…digger；　sometimes　a　dock　laborer；　sometimes　a
soldier；　sometimes　a　sailor；　but　whatever　he　is　he　wears
patent…leather　boots。

He　goes　boating　in　patent　leather　boots；　he　plays　cricket　in　them；　he
goes　fishing　and　shooting　in　them。　　He　will　go　to　heaven　in
patent…leather　boots　or　he　will　decline　the　invitation。

The　stage　hero　never　talks　in　a　simple；　straightforward　way；　like　a
mere　ordinary　mortal。

〃You　will　write　to　me　when　you　are　away；　dear；　won't　you？〃　says　the
heroine。

A　mere　human　being　would　reply：

〃Why；　of　course　I　shall；　ducky；　every　day。〃

But　the　stage　hero　is　a　superior　creature。　　He　says：