times there。〃
What put the honorary membership in my head that day in the Century Club？
for I had never thought of it before。 I don't know what brought the
thought to me at that particular time instead of earlier； but I am well
satisfied that it originated with the Board of Directors； and had been on
its way to my brain through the air ever since the moment that saw their
vote recorded。
Another incident。 I was in Hartford two or three days as a guest of the
Rev。 Joseph H。 Twichell。 I have held the rank of Honorary Uncle to his
children for a quarter of a century； and I went out with him in the
trolley…car to visit one of my nieces； who is at Miss Porter's famous
school in Farmington。 The distance is eight or nine miles。 On the way；
talking； I illustrated something with an anecdote。 This is the anecdote：
Two years and a half ago I and the family arrived at Milan on our way to
Rome； and stopped at the Continental。 After dinner I went below and took
a seat in the stone…paved court； where the customary lemon…trees stand in
the customary tubs； and said to myself； 〃Now this is comfort； comfort and
repose； and nobody to disturb it； I do not know anybody in Milan。〃
Then a young gentleman stepped up and shook hands； which damaged my
theory。 He said； in substance：
〃You won't remember me； Mr。 Clemens； but I remember you very well。 I was
a cadet at West Point when you and Rev。 Joseph H。 Twichell came there
some years ago and talked to us on a Hundredth Night。 I am a lieutenant
in the regular army now； and my name is H。 I am in Europe； all alone；
for a modest little tour； my regiment is in Arizona。〃
We became friendly and sociable； and in the course of the talk he told me
of an adventure which had befallen himabout to this effect：
〃I was at Bellagio； stopping at the big hotel there； and ten days ago I
lost my letter of credit。 I did not know what in the world to do。 I was
a stranger； I knew no one in Europe； I hadn't a penny in my pocket； I
couldn't even send a telegram to London to get my lost letter replaced；
my hotel bill was a week old； and the presentation of it imminentso
imminent that it could happen at any moment now。 I was so frightened
that my wits seemed to leave me。 I tramped and tramped； back and forth；
like a crazy person。 If anybody approached me I hurried away； for no
matter what a person looked like； I took him for the head waiter with the
bill。
〃I was at last in such a desperate state that I was ready to do any wild
thing that promised even the shadow of help； and so this is the insane
thing that I did。 I saw a family lunching at a small table on the
veranda； and recognized their nationalityAmericansfather； mother； and
several young daughtersyoung； tastefully dressed； and prettythe rule
with our people。 I went straight there in my civilian costume； named my
name； said I was a lieutenant in the army； and told my story and asked
for help。
〃What do you suppose the gentleman did？ But you would not guess in
twenty years。 He took out a handful of gold coin and told me to help
myselffreely。 That is what he did。〃
The next morning the lieutenant told me his new letter of credit had
arrived in the night； so we strolled to Cook's to draw money to pay back
the benefactor with。 We got it； and then went strolling through the
great arcade。 Presently he said； 〃Yonder they are； come and be
introduced。〃 I was introduced to the parents and the young ladies； then
we separated； and I never saw him or them any m…
〃Here we are at Farmington；〃 said Twichell； interrupting。
We left the trolley…car and tramped through the mud a hundred yards or so
to the school； talking about the time we and Warner walked out there
years ago； and the pleasant time we had。
We had a visit with my niece in the parlor； then started for the trolley
again。 Outside the house we encountered a double rank of twenty or
thirty of Miss Porter's young ladies arriving from a walk； and we stood
aside； ostensibly to let them have room to file past； but really to look
at them。 Presently one of them stepped out of the rank and said：
〃You don't know me； Mr。 Twichell； but I know your daughter； and that
gives me the privilege of shaking hands with you。〃
Then she put out her hand to me； and said：
〃And I wish to shake hands with you too； Mr。 Clemens。 You don't remember
me； but you were introduced to me in the arcade in Milan two years and a
half ago by Lieutenant H。〃
What had put that story into my head after all that stretch of time？ Was
it just the proximity of that young girl； or was it merely an odd
accident？
THE INVALID'S STORY
I seem sixty and married； but these effects are due to my condition and
sufferings； for I am a bachelor； and only forty…one。 It will be hard for
you to believe that I； who am now but a shadow； was a hale； hearty man
two short years ago； a man of iron； a very athlete！ yet such is the
simple truth。 But stranger still than this fact is the way in which I
lost my health。 I lost it through helping to take care of a box of guns
on a two…hundred…mile railway journey one winter's night。 It is the
actual truth； and I will tell you about it。
I belong in Cleveland； Ohio。 One winter's night； two years ago； I
reached home just after dark； in a driving snow…storm； and the first
thing I heard when I entered the house was that my dearest boyhood friend
and schoolmate； John B。 Hackett； had died the day before； and that his
last utterance had been a desire that I would take his remains home to
his poor old father and mother in Wisconsin。 I was greatly shocked and
grieved； but there was no time to waste in emotions； I must start at
once。 I took the card； marked 〃Deacon Levi Hackett； Bethlehem；
Wisconsin；〃 and hurried off through the whistling storm to the railway
station。 Arrived there I found the long white…pine box which had been
described to me； I fastened the card to it with some tacks； saw it put
safely aboard the express car； and then ran into the eating…room to
provide myself with a sandwich and some cigars。 When I returned；
presently； there was my coffin…box back again； apparently； and a young
fellow examining around it； with a card in his hands； and some tacks and
a hammer！ I was astonished and puzzled。 He began to nail on his card；
and I rushed out to the express car； in a good deal of a state of mind；
to ask for an explanation。 But nothere was my box； all right； in the
express car； it hadn't been disturbed。 ＇The fact is that without my
suspecting it a prodigious mistake had been made。 I was carrying off a
box of guns which that young fellow had come to the station to ship to a
rifle company in Peoria； Illinois； and he had got my corpse！＇ Just then
the conductor sung out 〃All aboard；〃 and I jumped into the express car
and got a comfortable seat on a bale of buckets。 The expressman was
there； hard at work；a plain man of fifty； with a simple； honest； good…
natured face； and a breezy； practical heartiness in his general style。
As the train moved off a stranger skipped into the car and set a package
of peculiarly mature and capable Limburger cheese on one end of my
coffin…boxI mean my box of guns。 That is to say； I know now that it
was Limburger cheese； but at that time I never had heard of the article
in my life； and of course was wholly ignorant of its character。 Well； we
sped through the wild night； the bitter storm raged on； a cheerless
misery stole over me； my heart went down； down； down！ The old expressman
made a brisk remark or two about the tempest and the arctic weather；
slammed his sliding doors to； and bolted them； closed his window down
tight； and then went bustling around； here and there and yonder； setting
things to rights； and all the time contentedly humming 〃Sweet By and By；〃
in a low tone； and flatting a good deal。 Presently I began to detect a
most evil and searching odor stealing about on the frozen air。 This
depressed my spirits still more； because of course I attributed it to my
poor departed friend。 There was something infinitely saddening about his
calling himself to my remembrance in this dumb pathetic way； so it was
hard to keep the tears back。 Moreover； it distressed me on account of
the old expressman； who； I was afraid； might notice it。 However； he went
humming tranquilly on； and gave no sign； and for this I was grateful。
Grateful； yes； but still uneasy； and soon I began to feel more and more
uneasy every minute； for every minute that went by that odor thickened up
the more； and got to be more and more gamey and hard to stand。
Presently； having got things arranged to his satisfaction； the expressman
got some wood and made up a tremendous fire in his stove。
This distressed me more than I can tell； for I could not but feel that it
was a mistake。 I was sure that the effect would be deleterious upon my
poor departed friend。 Thompsonthe expressman's name was Thompson； as I
found out in the course of the nightnow went poking around his car；
stopping up whatever stray cracks he could find； remarking that it didn't
make any difference what kind of a night it was outside； he calculated to
make us comfortable； anyway。 I said nothing； but I believed he was not
choosing the right way。 Meantime he was humming to himself just as
before； and meantime； too； the stove was getting hotter and hotter； and
the place closer and closer。 I felt myself growing pale and qualmish；
but grieved in silence and said nothing。
Soon I noticed that the 〃Sweet By and By 〃 was gradually fading out； next
it ceased altogether； and there was an ominous stillness。 After a few
moments Thompson said；
〃Pfew！ I reckon it ain't no cinnamon 't I've loaded up thish…yer stove
with！〃
He gasped once or twice； then moved toward the cofgun…box； stood over
that Limburger cheese part of a moment； then came back and sat down near
me； looking a good deal impressed。 After a contemplative pause； he said；
indicating the box with a gesture；
〃Friend of yourn？〃
〃Yes；〃 I said with a sigh。
〃He's pretty ripe； ain't he！〃
Nothing further was said for perhaps a couple of minutes； each being busy
with his own thoughts； then Thompson said； in a low； a