notes from the underground- 第18部分

going　to　meet　in　a　pot…house　to　drink　to　her　memory。〃



A　great　deal　of　this　was　my　invention。　　Silence　followed；

profound　silence。　　She　did　not　stir。



〃And　is　it　better　to　die　in　a　hospital？〃



〃Isn't　it　just　the　same？　　Besides；　why　should　I　die？〃　she　added

irritably。



〃If　not　now；　a　little　later。〃



〃Why　a　little　later？〃



〃Why；　indeed？　　Now　you　are　young；　pretty；　fresh；　you　fetch　a　high

price。　　But　after　another　year　of　this　life　you　will　be　very

differentyou　will　go　off。〃



〃In　a　year？〃



〃Anyway；　in　a　year　you　will　be　worth　less；〃　I　continued

malignantly。　　〃You　will　go　from　here　to　something　lower；　another

house；　a　year　laterto　a　third；　lower　and　lower；　and　in　seven

years　you　will　come　to　a　basement　in　the　Haymarket。　　That　will　be

if　you　were　lucky。　　But　it　would　be　much　worse　if　you　got　some

disease；　consumption；　say。。。and　caught　a　chill；　or　something　or

other。　　It's　not　easy　to　get　over　an　illness　in　your　way　of　life。　

If　you　catch　anything　you　may　not　get　rid　of　it。　　And　so　you

would　die。〃



〃Oh；　well；　then　I　shall　die；〃　she　answered；　quite　vindictively；

and　she　made　a　quick　movement。



〃But　one　is　sorry。〃



〃Sorry　for　whom？〃



〃Sorry　for　life。〃



Silence。



〃Have　you　been　engaged　to　be　married？　　Eh？〃



〃What's　that　to　you？〃



〃Oh；　I　am　not　cross…examining　you。　　It's　nothing　to　me。　　Why　are

you　so　cross？　　Of　course　you　may　have　had　your　own　troubles。　

What　is　it　to　me？　　It's　simply　that　I　felt　sorry。〃



〃Sorry　for　whom？〃



〃Sorry　for　you。〃



〃No　need；〃　she　whispered　hardly　audibly；　and　again　made　a　faint

movement。



That　incensed　me　at　once。　　What！　　I　was　so　gentle　with　her；　and

she　。。。。



〃Why；　do　you　think　that　you　are　on　the　right　path？〃



〃I　don't　think　anything。〃



〃That's　what's　wrong；　that　you　don't　think。　　Realise　it　while

there　is　still　time。　　There　still　is　time。　　You　are　still　young；

good…looking；　you　might　love；　be　married；　be　happy。。。　。〃



〃Not　all　married　women　are　happy；〃　she　snapped　out　in　the　rude

abrupt　tone　she　had　used　at　first。



〃Not　all；　of　course；　but　anyway　it　is　much　better　than　the　life

here。　　Infinitely　better。　　Besides；　with　love　one　can　live　even

without　happiness。　　Even　in　sorrow　life　is　sweet；　life　is　sweet；

however　one　lives。　　But　here　what　is　there　but。。。foulness？　　

Phew！〃



I　turned　away　with　disgust；　I　was　no　longer　reasoning　coldly。　　I

began　to　feel　myself　what　I　was　saying　and　warmed　to　the　subject。　

I　was　already　longing　to　expound　the　cherished　ideas　I　had

brooded　over　in　my　corner。　　Something　suddenly　flared　up　in　me。　

An　object　had　appeared　before　me。



〃Never　mind　my　being　here；　I　am　not　an　example　for　you。　　I　am；

perhaps；　worse　than　you　are。　　I　was　drunk　when　I　came　here；

though；〃　I　hastened；　however；　to　say　in　self…defence。　　〃Besides；

a　man　is　no　example　for　a　woman。　　It's　a　different　thing。　　I　may

degrade　and　defile　myself；　but　I　am　not　anyone's　slave。　　I　come

and　go；　and　that's　an　end　of　it。　　I　shake　it　off；　and　I　am　a

different　man。　　But　you　are　a　slave　from　the　start。　　Yes；　a

slave！　　You　give　up　everything；　your　whole　freedom。　　If　you　want

to　break　your　chains　afterwards；　you　won't　be　able　to；　you　will

be　more　and　more　fast　in　the　snares。　　It　is　an　accursed　bondage。　

I　know　it。　　I　won't　speak　of　anything　else；　maybe　you　won't

understand；　but　tell　me：　no　doubt　you　are　in　debt　to　your　madam？　

There；　you　see；〃　I　added；　though　she　made　no　answer；　but　only

listened　in　silence；　entirely　absorbed；　〃that's　a　bondage　for

you！　　You　will　never　buy　your　freedom。　　They　will　see　to　that。　

It's　like　selling　your　soul　to　the　devil。。。。　And　besides　。。。

perhaps；　I　too；　am　just　as　unluckyhow　do　you　knowand　wallow

in　the　mud　on　purpose；　out　of　misery？　　You　know；　men　take　to

drink　from　grief；　well；　maybe　I　am　here　from　grief。　　Come；　tell

me；　what　is　there　good　here？　　Here　you　and　I。。。came

together。。。just　now　and　did　not　say　one　word　to　one　another　all

the　time；　and　it　was　only　afterwards　you　began　staring　at　me　like

a　wild　creature；　and　I　at　you。　　Is　that　loving？　　Is　that　how　one

human　being　should　meet　another？　　It's　hideous；　that's　what　it

is！〃



〃Yes！〃　she　assented　sharply　and　hurriedly。



I　was　positively　astounded　by　the　promptitude　of　this　〃Yes。〃　　So

the　same　thought　may　have　been　straying　through　her　mind　when　she

was　staring　at　me　just　before。　　So　she；　too；　was　capable　of

certain　thoughts？　　〃Damn　it　all；　this　was　interesting；　this　was　a

point　of　likeness！〃　I　thought；　almost　rubbing　my　hands。　　And

indeed　it's　easy　to　turn　a　young　soul　like　that！



It　was　the　exercise　of　my　power　that　attracted　me　most。



She　turned　her　head　nearer　to　me；　and　it　seemed　to　me　in　the

darkness　that　she　propped　herself　on　her　arm。　　Perhaps　she　was

scrutinising　me。　　How　I　regretted　that　I　could　not　see　her　eyes。　

I　heard　her　deep　breathing。



〃Why　have　you　come　here？〃　I　asked　her；　with　a　note　of　authority

already　in　my　voice。



〃Oh；　I　don't　know。〃



〃But　how　nice　it　would　be　to　be　living　in　your　father's　house！　

It's　warm　and　free；　you　have　a　home　of　your　own。〃



〃But　what　if　it's　worse　than　this？〃



〃I　must　take　the　right　tone；〃　flashed　through　my　mind。　　〃I　may

not　get　far　with　sentimentality。〃　But　it　was　only　a　momentary

thought。　　I　swear　she　really　did　interest　me。　　Besides；　I　was

exhausted　and　moody。　　And　cunning　so　easily　goes　hand…in…hand

with　feeling。



〃Who　denies　it！〃　I　hastened　to　answer。　　〃Anything　may　happen。　　I

am　convinced　that　someone　has　wronged　you；　and　that　you　are　more

sinned　against　than　sinning。　　Of　course；　I　know　nothing　of　your

story；　but　it's　not　likely　a　girl　like　you　has　come　here　of　her

own　inclination。。。　。〃



〃A　girl　like　me？〃　she　whispered；　hardly　audibly；　but　I　heard　it。



Damn　it　all；　I　was　flattering　her。　　That　was　horrid。　　But　perhaps

it　was　a　good　thing。。。。　She　was　silent。



〃See；　Liza；　I　will　tell　you　about　myself。　　If　I　had　had　a　home

from　childhood；　I　shouldn't　be　what　I　am　now。　　I　often　think

that。　　However　bad　it　may　be　at　home；　anyway　they　are　your　father

and　mother；　and　not　enemies；　strangers。　　Once　a　year　at　least；

they'll　show　their　love　of　you。　　Anyway；　you　know　you　are　at

home。　　I　grew　up　without　a　home；　and　perhaps　that's　why　I've

turned　so。。。unfeeling。〃



I　waited　again。　　〃Perhaps　she　doesn't　understand；〃　I　thought；

〃and；　indeed；　it　is　absurdit's　moralising。〃



〃If　I　were　a　father　and　had　a　daughter；　I　believe　I　should　love

my　daughter　more　than　my　sons；　really；〃　I　began　indirectly；　as

though　talking　of　something　else；　to　distract　her　attention。　　I

must　confess　I　blushed。



〃Why　so？〃　she　asked。



Ah！　　so　she　was　listening！



〃I　don't　know；　Liza。　　I　knew　a　father　who　was　a　stern；　austere

man；　but　used　to　go　down　on　his　knees　to　his　daughter；　used　to

kiss　her　hands；　her　feet；　he　couldn't　make　enough　of　her；　really。　

When　she　danced　at　parties　he　used　to　stand　for　five　hours　at　a

stretch；　gazing　at　her。　　He　was　mad　over　her：　I　understand　that！　

She　would　fall　asleep　tired　at　night；　and　he　would　wake　to　kiss

her　in　her　sleep　and　make　the　sign　of　the　cross　over　her。　　He

would　go　about　in　a　dirty　old　coat；　he　was　stingy　to　everyone

else；　but　would　spend　his　last　penny　for　her；　giving　her

expensive　presents；　and　it　was　his　greatest　delight　when　she　was

pleased　with　what　he　gave　her。　　Fathers　always　love　their

daughters　more　than　the　mothers　do。　　Some　girls　live　happily　at

home！　　And　I　believe　I　should　never　let　my　daughters　marry。〃　　　　　



〃What　next？〃　she　said；　with　a　faint　smile。



〃I　should　be　jealous；　I　really　should。　　To　think　that　she　should

kiss　anyone　else！　　That　she　should　love　a　stranger　more　than　her

father！　　It's　painful　to　imagine　it。　　Of　course；　that's　all

nonsense；　of　course　every　father　would　be　reasonable　at　last。　

But　I　believe　before　I　should　let　her　marry；　I　should　worry

myself　to　death；　I　should　find　fault　with　all　her　suitors。　　But　I

should　end　by　letting　her　marry　whom　she　herself　loved。　　The　one

whom　the　daughter　loves　always　seems　the　worst　to　the　father；　you

know。　　That　is　always　so。　　So　many　family　troubles　come　from

that。〃



〃Some　are　glad　to　sell　their　daughters；　rather　than　marrying　them

honourably。〃



Ah；　so　that　was　it！



〃Such　a　thing；　Liza；　happens　in　those　accursed　families　in　which

there　is　neither　love　nor　God；〃　I　retorted　warmly；　〃and　where

there　is　no　love；　there　is　no　sense　either。　　There　are　such

families；　it's　true；　but　I　am　not　speaking　of　them。　　You　must

have　seen　wickedness　in　your　own　family；　if　you　talk　like　that。　

Truly；　you　must　have　been　unlucky。　　H'm！　。。。that　sort　of　thing

mostly　comes　about　through　poverty。〃



〃And　is　it　any　better　with　the　gentry？　　Even　among　the　poor；

honest　people　who　live　happily？〃



〃H'm。。。yes。　　Perhaps。　　Another　thing；　Liza；　man　is　fond　of

reckoning　up　his　troubles；　but　does　not　count　his　joys。　　If　he

counted　them　up　as　he　ought；　he　would　see　that　every　lot　has

enough　happiness　provided　for　it。　　And　what　if　all　goes　well　with

the　family；　if　the　blessing　of　God　is　upon　it；　if　the　husband　is

a　good　one；　loves　you；　cherishes　you；　never　leaves　you！　　There　is

happiness　in　such　a　family！　　Even　sometimes　there　is　happiness　in

the　midst　of　sorrow；　and　indeed　sorrow　is　everywhere。　　If　you

marry　_you　will　find　out　for　yourself_。　　But　think　of　the　first

years　of　married　life　with　one　you　love：　what　happiness；　what

happiness　there　sometimes　is　in　it！　　And　indeed　it's　the　ordinary

thing。　　In　those　early　days　even　quarrels　with　one's　husband　end

happily。　　Some　women　get　up　quarrels　with　their　husbands　just

because　they　love　them。　　Indeed；　I　knew　a　woman　like　that：　she

seemed　to　say　that　because　she　loved　him；　she　would　torment　him

and　make　him　feel　it。　　You　know　that　you　may　torment　a　man　on

purpose　through　love。　　Women　are　particularly　given　to　that；

thinking　to　themselves　'I　will　love　him　so