notes from the underground- 第3部分

indifference　to　me　what　you　may　think　about　it。　　Possibly；　I　even

regret；　myself；　that　I　have　given　so　few　slaps　in　the　face　during

my　life。　　But　enough　。。。　not　another　word　on　that　subject　of　such

extreme　interest　to　you。



I　will　continue　calmly　concerning　persons　with　strong　nerves　who

do　not　understand　a　certain　refinement　of　enjoyment。　　Though　in

certain　circumstances　these　gentlemen　bellow　their　loudest　like

bulls；　though　this；　let　us　suppose；　does　them　the　greatest

credit；　yet；　as　I　have　said　already；　confronted　with　the

impossible　they　subside　at　once。　　The　impossible　means　the　stone

wall！　　What　stone　wall？　　Why；　of　course；　the　laws　of　nature；　the

deductions　of　natural　science；　mathematics。　　As　soon　as　they

prove　to　you；　for　instance；　that　you　are　descended　from　a　monkey；

then　it　is　no　use　scowling；　accept　it　for　a　fact。　　When　they

prove　to　you　that　in　reality　one　drop　of　your　own　fat　must　be

dearer　to　you　than　a　hundred　thousand　of　your　fellow…creatures；

and　that　this　conclusion　is　the　final　solution　of　all　so…called

virtues　and　duties　and　all　such　prejudices　and　fancies；　then　you

have　just　to　accept　it；　there　is　no　help　for　it；　for　twice　two　is

a　law　of　mathematics。　　Just　try　refuting　it。



〃Upon　my　word；〃　they　will　shout　at　you；　〃it　is　no　use　protesting：

it　is　a　case　of　twice　two　makes　four！　　Nature　does　not　ask　your

permission；　she　has　nothing　to　do　with　your　wishes；　and　whether

you　like　her　laws　or　dislike　them；　you　are　bound　to　accept　her　as

she　is；　and　consequently　all　her　conclusions。　　A　wall；　you　see；

is　a　wall　。。。　and　so　on；　and　so　on。〃　　Merciful　Heavens！　　but　what

do　I　care　for　the　laws　of　nature　and　arithmetic；　when；　for　some

reason　I　dislike　those　laws　and　the　fact　that　twice　two　makes

four？　　Of　course　I　cannot　break　through　the　wall　by　battering　my

head　against　it　if　I　really　have　not　the　strength　to　knock　it

down；　but　I　am　not　going　to　be　reconciled　to　it　simply　because　it

is　a　stone　wall　and　I　have　not　the　strength。



As　though　such　a　stone　wall　really　were　a　consolation；　and　really

did　contain　some　word　of　conciliation；　simply　because　it　is　as

true　as　twice　two　makes　four。　　Oh；　absurdity　of　absurdities！　　How

much　better　it　is　to　understand　it　all；　to　recognise　it　all；　all

the　impossibilities　and　the　stone　wall；　not　to　be　reconciled　to

one　of　those　impossibilities　and　stone　walls　if　it　disgusts　you

to　be　reconciled　to　it；　by　the　way　of　the　most　inevitable；

logical　combinations　to　reach　the　most　revolting　conclusions　on

the　everlasting　theme；　that　even　for　the　stone　wall　you　are

yourself　somehow　to　blame；　though　again　it　is　as　clear　as　day　you

are　not　to　blame　in　the　least；　and　therefore　grinding　your　teeth

in　silent　impotence　to　sink　into　luxurious　inertia；　brooding　on

the　fact　that　there　is　no　one　even　for　you　to　feel　vindictive

against；　that　you　have　not；　and　perhaps　never　will　have；　an

object　for　your　spite；　that　it　is　a　sleight　of　hand；　a　bit　of

juggling；　a　card…　sharper's　trick；　that　it　is　simply　a　mess；　no

knowing　what　and　no　knowing　who；　but　in　spite　of　all　these

uncertainties　and　jugglings；　still　there　is　an　ache　in　you；　and

the　more　you　do　not　know；　the　worse　the　ache。





IV



〃Ha；　ha；　ha！　　You　will　be　finding　enjoyment　in　toothache　next；〃

you　cry；　with　a　laugh。



〃Well；　even　in　toothache　there　is　enjoyment；〃　I　answer。　　I　had

toothache　for　a　whole　month　and　I　know　there　is。　　In　that　case；

of　course；　people　are　not　spiteful　in　silence；　but　moan；　but　they

are　not　candid　moans；　they　are　malignant　moans；　and　the

malignancy　is　the　whole　point。　　The　enjoyment　of　the　sufferer

finds　expression　in　those　moans；　if　he　did　not　feel　enjoyment　in

them　he　would　not　moan。　　It　is　a　good　example；　gentlemen；　and　I

will　develop　it。　　Those　moans　express　in　the　first　place　all　the

aimlessness　of　your　pain；　which　is　so　humiliating　to　your

consciousness；　the　whole　legal　system　of　nature　on　which　you　spit

disdainfully；　of　course；　but　from　which　you　suffer　all　the　same

while　she　does　not。　　They　express　the　consciousness　that　you　have

no　enemy　to　punish；　but　that　you　have　pain；　the　consciousness

that　in　spite　of　all　possible　Wagenheims　you　are　in　complete

slavery　to　your　teeth；　that　if　someone　wishes　it；　your　teeth　will

leave　off　aching；　and　if　he　does　not；　they　will　go　on　aching

another　three　months；　and　that　finally　if　you　are　still

contumacious　and　still　protest；　all　that　is　left　you　for　your　own

gratification　is　to　thrash　yourself　or　beat　your　wall　with　your

fist　as　hard　as　you　can；　and　absolutely　nothing　more。　　Well；

these　mortal　insults；　these　jeers　on　the　part　of　someone　unknown；

end　at　last　in　an　enjoyment　which　sometimes　reaches　the　highest

degree　of　voluptuousness。　　I　ask　you；　gentlemen；　listen　sometimes

to　the　moans　of　an　educated　man　of　the　nineteenth　century

suffering　from　toothache；　on　the　second　or　third　day　of　the

attack；　when　he　is　beginning　to　moan；　not　as　he　moaned　on　the

first　day；　that　is；　not　simply　because　he　has　toothache；　not　just

as　any　coarse　peasant；　but　as　a　man　affected　by　progress　and

European　civilisation；　a　man　who　is　〃divorced　from　the　soil　and

the　national　elements；〃　as　they　express　it　now…a…days。　　His　moans

become　nasty；　disgustingly　malignant；　and　go　on　for　whole　days

and　nights。　　And　of　course　he　knows　himself　that　he　is　doing

himself　no　sort　of　good　with　his　moans；　he　knows　better　than

anyone　that　he　is　only　lacerating　and　harassing　himself　and

others　for　nothing；　he　knows　that　even　the　audience　before　whom

he　is　making　his　efforts；　and　his　whole　family；　listen　to　him

with　loathing；　do　not　put　a　ha'porth　of　faith　in　him；　and

inwardly　understand　that　he　might　moan　differently；　more　simply；

without　trills　and　flourishes；　and　that　he　is　only　amusing

himself　like　that　from　ill…humour；　from　malignancy。　　Well；　in　all

these　recognitions　and　disgraces　it　is　that　there　lies　a

voluptuous　pleasure。　　As　though　he　would　say：　〃I　am　worrying　you；

I　am　lacerating　your　hearts；　I　am　keeping　everyone　in　the　house

awake。　　Well；　stay　awake　then；　you；　too；　feel　every　minute　that　I

have　toothache。　　I　am　not　a　hero　to　you　now；　as　I　tried　to　seem

before；　but　simply　a　nasty　person；　an　impostor。　　Well；　so　be　it；

then！　　I　am　very　glad　that　you　see　through　me。　　It　is　nasty　for

you　to　hear　my　despicable　moans：　well；　let　it　be　nasty；　here　I

will　let　you　have　a　nastier　flourish　in　a　minute。。。。〃　　You　do　not

understand　even　now；　gentlemen？　　No；　it　seems　our　　development

and　our　consciousness　must　go　further　to　understand　all　the

intricacies　of　this　pleasure。　　You　laugh？　　Delighted。　　My　jests；

gentlemen；　are　of　course　in　bad　taste；　jerky；　involved；　lacking

self…confidence。　　But　of　course　that　is　because　I　do　not　respect

myself。　　Can　a　man　of　perception　respect　himself　at　all？





V



Come；　can　a　man　who　attempts　to　find　enjoyment　in　the　very

feeling　of　his　own　degradation　possibly　have　a　spark　of　respect

for　himself？　　I　am　not　saying　this　now　from　any　mawkish　kind　of

remorse。　　And；　indeed；　I　could　never　endure　saying；　〃Forgive　me；

Papa；　I　won't　do　it　again；〃　not　because　I　am　incapable　of　saying

thaton　the　contrary；　perhaps　just　because　I　have　been　too

capable　of　it；　and　in　what　a　way；　too。　　As　though　of　design　I

used　to　get　into　trouble　in　cases　when　I　was　not　to　blame　in　any

way。　　That　was　the　nastiest　part　of　it。　　At　the　same　time　I　was

genuinely　touched　and　penitent；　I　used　to　shed　tears　and；　of

course；　deceived　myself；　though　I　was　not　acting　in　the　least　and

there　was　a　sick　feeling　in　my　heart　at　the　time。。。。　For　that　one

could　not　blame　even　the　laws　of　nature；　though　the　laws　of

nature　have　continually　all　my　life　offended　me　more　than

anything。　　It　is　loathsome　to　remember　it　all；　but　it　was

loathsome　even　then。　　Of　course；　a　minute　or　so　later　I　would

realise　wrathfully　that　it　was　all　a　lie；　a　revolting　lie；　an

affected　lie；　that　is；　all　this　penitence；　this　emotion；　these

vows　of　reform。　　You　will　ask　why　did　I　worry　myself　with　such

antics：　answer；　because　it　was　very　dull　to　sit　with　one's　hands

folded；　and　so　one　began　cutting　capers。　　That　is　really　it。　

Observe　yourselves　more　carefully；　gentlemen；　then　you　will

understand　that　it　is　so。　I　invented　adventures　for　myself　and

made　up　a　life；　so　as　at　least　to　live　in　some　way。　　How　many

times　it　has　happened　to　mewell；　for　instance；　to　take　offence

simply　on　purpose；　for　nothing；　and　one　knows　oneself；　of　course；

that　one　is　offended　at　nothing；　that　one　is　putting　it　on；　but

yet　one　brings　oneself　at　last　to　the　point　of　being　really

offended。　　All　my　life　I　have　had　an　impulse　to　play　such　pranks；

so　that　in　the　end　I　could　not　control　it　in　myself。　　Another

time；　twice；　in　fact；　I　tried　hard　to　be　in　love。　　I　suffered；

too；　gentlemen；　I　assure　you。　　In　the　depth　of　my　heart　there　was

no　faith　in　my　suffering；　only　a　faint　stir　of　mockery；　but　yet　I

did　suffer；　and　in　the　real；　orthodox　way；　I　was　jealous；　beside

myself　。。。　　and　it　was　all　from　ennui；　gentlemen；　all　from　ennui；

inertia　overcame　　me。　You　know　the　direct；　legitimate　fruit　of

consciousness　is　inertia；　that　is；　conscious

sitting…with…the…hands…folded。　　I　have　referred　to　this　already。　

I　repeat；　I　repeat　with　emphasis：　all　〃direct〃　persons　and　men　of

action　are　active　just　because　they　are　stupid　and　limited。　　How

explain　that？　　I　will　tell　you：　in　consequence　of　their

limitation　they　take　immediate　and　secondary　causes　for　primary

ones；　and　in　that　way　persuade　themselves　more　quickly　and　easily

than　other　people　do　that　they　have　found　an　infallible

foundation　for　their　activity；　and　their　minds　are　at　ease　and

you　know　that　is　the　chief　thing。　　To　begin　to　act；　you　know；　you

must　first　have　your　mind　completely　at　ease　and　no　trace　of

doubt　left　in　it。　　Why；　how　am　I；　for　example　to　set　my　mind　at

rest？　　Where　are　the　primary　causes　on　which　I　am　to　build？　

Where　are　my　foundations？　　Where　am　I　to　get　them　fro