could stand ityou couldn't yourself。〃
〃Now； then； you're sneezing againI just expected it。〃
〃Because I've caught a cold in my head。 I always do； when I go in the
water with my clothes on。 And it takes me weeks to get over it； too。
I think it was a shame to serve me so。〃
〃Luigi； you are unreasonable； you know very well they couldn't baptize
him dry。 I should think you would be willing to undergo a little
inconvenience for your brother's sake。〃
〃Inconvenience！ Now how you talk； Aunt Betsy。 I came as near as
anything to getting drowned you saw that yourself； and do you call this
inconvenience？the room shut up as tight as a drum； and so hot the
mosquitoes are trying to get out； and a cold in the head； and dying for
sleep and no chance to get anyon account of this infamous medicine that
that assassin prescri〃
〃There； you're sneezing again。 I'm going down and mix some more of this
truck for you； dear。〃
CHAPTER IX
THE DRINKLESS DRUNK
During Monday； Tuesday； and Wednesday the twins grew steadily worse； but
then the doctor was summoned South to attend his mother's funeral； and
they got well in forty…eight hours。 They appeared on the street on
Friday； and were welcomed with enthusiasm by the new…born parties； the
Luigi and Angelo factions。 The Luigi faction carried its strength into
the Democratic party； the Angelo faction entered into a combination with
the Whigs。 The Democrats nominated Luigi for alderman under the new city
government； and the Whigs put up Angelo against him。 The Democrats
nominated Pudd'nhead Wilson for mayor； and he was left alone in this
glory； for the Whigs had no man who was willing to enter the lists
against such a formidable opponent。 No politician had scored such a
compliment as this before in the history of the Mississippi Valley。
The political campaign in Dawson's Landing opened in a pretty warm
fashion； and waned hotter every week。 Luigi's whole heart was in it；
and even Angelo developed a surprising amount of interest…which was
natural； because he was not merely representing Whigism； a matter of no
consequence to him； but he was representing something immensely finer and
greaterto wit； Reform。 In him was centered the hopes of the whole
reform element of the town； he was the chosen and admired champion of
every clique that had a pet reform of any sort or kind at heart。 He was
president of the great Teetotalers' Union； its chiefest prophet and
mouthpiece。
But as the canvass went on； troubles began to spring up all around
troubles for the twins； and through them for all the parties and segments
and factions of parties。 Whenever Luigi had possession of the legs； he
carried Angelo to balls； rum shops； Sons of Liberty parades； horse…
races； campaign riots； and everywhere else that could damage him with his
party and the church； and when it was Angelo's week he carried Luigi
diligently to all manner of moral and religious gatherings； doing his
best to regain the ground he had lost before。 As a result of these
double performances； there was a storm blowing all the time； an ever…
rising storm； tooa storm of frantic criticism of the twins； and rage
over their extravagant； incomprehensible conduct。
Luigi had the final chance。 The legs were his for the closing week of
the canvass。 He led his brother a fearful dance。
But he saved his best card for the very eve of the election。 There was
to be a grand turnout of the Teetotalers' Union that day； and Angelo was
to march at the head of the procession and deliver a great oration
afterward。 Luigi drank a couple of glasses of whiskywhich steadied his
nerves and clarified his mind； but made Angelo drunk。 Everybody who saw
the march； saw that the Champion of the Teetotalers was half seas over；
and noted also that his brother； who made no hypocritical pretensions to
extra temperance virtues； was dignified and sober。 This eloquent fact
could not be unfruitful at the end of a hot political canvass。 At the
mass…meeting Angelo tried to make his great temperance oration； but was
so discommodedby hiccoughs and thickness of tongue that he had to give
it up； then drowsiness overtook him and his head drooped against Luigi's
and he went to sleep。 Luigi apologized for him； and was going on to
improve his opportunity with an appeal for a moderation of what he called
〃the prevailing teetotal madness；〃 but persons in the audience began to
howl and throw things at him； and then the meeting rose in wrath and
chased him home。
This episode was a crusher for Angelo in another way。 It destroyed his
chances with Rowena。 Those chances had been growing； right along； for
two months。 Rowena had partly confessed that she loved him； but wanted
time to consider。 Now the tender dream was ended； and she told him so
the moment he was sober enough to understand。 She said she would never
marry a man who drank。
〃But I don't drink；〃 he pleaded。
〃That is nothing to the point；〃 she said； coldly； 〃you get drunk； and
that is worse。〃
＇There was a long and sufficiently idiotic discussion here； which ended
as reported in a previous note。＇
CHAPTER X
SO THEY HANGED LUIGI
Dawson's Landing had a week of repose； after the election； and it needed
it； for the frantic and variegated nightmare which had tormented it all
through the preceding week had left it limp； haggard； and exhausted at
the end。 It got the week of repose because Angelo had the legs； and was
in too subdued a condition to want to go out and mingle with an irritated
community that had come to disgust and detest him because there was such
a lack of harmony between his morals； which were confessedly excellent；
and his methods of illustrating them； which were distinctly damnable。
The new city officers were sworn in on the following Mondayat least all
but Luigi。 There was a complication in his case。 His election was
conceded； but he could not sit in the board of aldermen without his
brother； and his brother could not sit there because he was not a member。
There seemed to be no way out of the difficulty but to carry the matter
into the courts； so this was resolved upon。
The case was set for the Monday fortnight。 In due course the time
arrived。 In the mean time the city government had been at a standstill；
because with out Luigi there was a tie in the board of aldermen； whereas
with him the liquor interestthe richest in the political fieldwould
have one majority。 But the court decided that Angelo could not sit in
the board with him； either in public or executive sessions； and at the
same time forbade the board to deny admission to Luigi； a fairly and
legally chosen alderman。 The case was carried up and up from court to
court； yet still the same old original decision was confirmed every time。
As a result； the city government not only stood still； with its hands
tied； but everything it was created to protect and care for went a steady
gait toward rack and ruin。 There was no way to levy a tax； so the minor
officials had to resign or starve； therefore they resigned。 There being
no city money； the enormous legal expenses on both sides had to be
defrayed by private subscription。 But at last the people came to their
senses； and said：
〃Pudd'nhead was right at the startwe ought to have hired the official
half of that human phillipene to resign； but it's too late now； some of
us haven't got anything left to hire him with。〃
〃Yes； we have；〃 said another citizen； 〃we've got this〃and he produced a
halter。
Many shouted： 〃That's the ticket。〃 But others said： 〃NoCount Angelo is
innocent； we mustn't hang him。〃
〃Who said anything about hanging him？ We are only going to hang the
other one。〃
〃Then that is all rightthere is no objection to that。〃
So they hanged Luigi。 And so ends the history of 〃Those Extraordinary
Twins。〃
FINAL REMARKS
As you see； it was an extravagant sort of a tale； and had no purpose but
to exhibit that monstrous 〃freak〃 in all sorts of grotesque lights。 But
when Roxy wandered into the tale she had to be furnished with something
to do； so she changed the children in the cradle； this necessitated the
invention of a reason for it； this； in turn； resulted in making the
children prominent personagesnothing could prevent it of course。 Their
career began to take a tragic aspect； and some one had to be brought in
to help work the machinery； so Pudd'nhead Wilson was introduced and taken
on trial。 By this time the whole show was being run by the new people
and in their interest； and the original show was become side…tracked and
forgotten； the twin…monster； and the heroine； and the lads； and the old
ladies had dwindled to inconsequentialities and were merely in the way。
Their story was one story； the new people's story was another story； and
there was no connection between them； no interdependence； no kinship。
It is not practicable or rational to try to tell two stories at the same
time； so I dug out the farce and left the tragedy。
The reader already knew how the expert works； he knows now how the other
kind do it。
MARK TWAIN。
End