a personal record- 第15部分

pattern　with　a　deal　of　red　in　it；　and　like　a　small　princess



attended　by　the　women　of　her　own　household；　the　head　gouvernante；



our　dear；　corpulent　Francesca　（who　had　been　for　thirty　years　in



the　service　of　the　B。　family）；　the　former　nurse；　now　outdoor



attendant；　a　handsome　peasant　face　wearing　a　compassionate



expression；　and　the　good；　ugly　Mlle。　Durand；　the　governess；　with



her　black　eyebrows　meeting　over　a　short；　thick　nose；　and　a



complexion　like　pale…brown　paper。　　Of　all　the　eyes　turned　toward



the　carriage；　her　good…natured　eyes　only　were　dropping　tears；　and



it　was　her　sobbing　voice　alone　that　broke　the　silence　with　an



appeal　to　me：　〃N'oublie　pas　ton　francais；　mon　cheri。〃　　In　three



months；　simply　by　playing　with　us；　she　had　taught　me　not　only　to



speak　French；　but　to　read　it　as　well。　　She　was　indeed　an



excellent　playmate。　　In　the　distance；　half…way　down　to　the　great



gates；　a　light；　open　trap；　harnessed　with　three　horses　in　Russian



fashion；　stood　drawn　up　on　one　side；　with　the　police　captain　of



the　district　sitting　in　it；　the　vizor　of　his　flat　cap　with　a　red



band　pulled　down　over　his　eyes。







It　seems　strange　that　he　should　have　been　there　to　watch　our



going　so　carefully。　　Without　wishing　to　treat　with　levity　the



just　timidites　of　Imperialists　all　the　world　over；　I　may　allow



myself　the　reflection　that　a　woman；　practically　condemned　by　the



doctors；　and　a　small　boy　not　quite　six　years　old；　could　not　be



regarded　as　seriously　dangerous；　even　for　the　largest　of



conceivable　empires　saddled　with　the　most　sacred　of



responsibilities。　　And　this　good　man　I　believe　did　not　think　so；



either。







I　learned　afterward　why　he　was　present　on　that　day。　　I　don't



remember　any　outward　signs；　but　it　seems　that；　about　a　month



before；　my　mother　became　so　unwell　that　there　was　a　doubt　whether



she　could　be　made　fit　to　travel　in　the　time。　　In　this　uncertainty



the　Governor…General　in　Kiev　was　petitioned　to　grant　her　a



fortnight's　extension　of　stay　in　her　brother's　house。　　No　answer



whatever　was　returned　to　this　prayer；　but　one　day　at　dusk　the



police　captain　of　the　district　drove　up　to　the　house　and　told　my



uncle's　valet；　who　ran　out　to　meet　him；　that　he　wanted　to　speak



with　the　master　in　private；　at　once。　　Very　much　impressed　（he



thought　it　was　going　to　be　an　arrest）；　the　servant；　〃more　dead



than　alive　with　fright；〃　as　he　related　afterward；　smuggled　him



through　the　big　drawing…room；　which　was　dark　（that　room　was　not



lighted　every　evening）；　on　tiptoe；　so　as　not　to　attract　the



attention　of　the　ladies　in　the　house；　and　led　him　by　way　of　the



orangery　to　my　uncle's　private　apartments。







The　policeman；　without　any　preliminaries；　thrust　a　paper　into　my



uncle's　hands。







〃There。　　Pray　read　this。　　I　have　no　business　to　show　this　paper



to　you。　　It　is　wrong　of　me。　　But　I　can't　either　eat　or　sleep　with



such　a　job　hanging　over　me。〃







That　police　captain；　a　native　of　Great　Russia；　had　been　for　many



years　serving　in　the　district。







My　uncle　unfolded　and　read　the　document。　It　was　a　service　order



issued　from　the　Governor…General's　secretariat；　dealing　with　the



matter　of　the　petition　and　directing　the　police　captain　to



disregard　all　remonstrances　and　explanations　in　regard　to　that



illness　either　from　medical　men　or　others；　〃and　if　she　has　not



left　her　brother's　house〃it　went　on　to　say〃on　the　morning　of



the　day　specified　on　her　permit；　you　are　to　despatch　her　at　once



under　escort；　direct〃　（underlined）　〃to　the　prison…hospital　in



Kiev；　where　she　will　be　treated　as　her　case　demands。〃







〃For　God's　sake；　Mr。　B。；　see　that　your　sister　goes　away



punctually　on　that　day。　　Don't　give　me　this　work　to　do　with　a



womanand　with　one　of　your　family；　too。　　I　simply　cannot　bear　to



think　of　it。〃







He　was　absolutely　wringing　his　hands。　　My　uncle　looked　at　him　in



silence。







〃Thank　you　for　this　warning。　　I　assure　you　that　even　if　she　were



dying　she　would　be　carried　out　to　the　carriage。〃







〃Yesindeedand　what　difference　would　it　maketravel　to　Kiev



or　back　to　her　husband？　　For　she　would　have　to　godeath　or　no



death。　　And　mind；　Mr。　B。；　I　will　be　here　on　the　day；　not　that　I



doubt　your　promise；　but　because　I　must。　　I　have　got　to。　　Duty。



All　the　same　my　trade　is　not　fit　for　a　dog　since　some　of　you



Poles　will　persist　in　rebelling；　and　all　of　you　have　got　to



suffer　for　it。〃







This　is　the　reason　why　he　was　there　in　an　open　three…horse　trap



pulled　up　between　the　house　and　the　great　gates。　　I　regret　not



being　able　to　give　up　his　name　to　the　scorn　of　all　believers　in



the　right　of　conquest；　as　a　reprehensibly　sensitive　guardian　of



Imperial　greatness。　　On　the　other　hand；　I　am　in　a　position　to



state　the　name　of　the　Governor…General　who　signed　the　order　with



the　marginal　note　〃to　be　carried　out　to　the　letter〃　in　his　own



handwriting。　　The　gentleman's　name　was　Bezak。　　A　high　dignitary；



an　energetic　official；　the　idol　for　a　time　of　the　Russian



patriotic　press。







Each　generation　has　its　memories。











IV







It　must　not　be　supposed　that；　in　setting　forth　the　memories　of



this　half…hour　between　the　moment　my　uncle　left　my　room　till　we



met　again　at　dinner；　I　am　losing　sight　of　〃Almayer's　Folly。〃　



Having　confessed　that　my　first　novel　was　begun　in　idlenessa



holiday　taskI　think　I　have　also　given　the　impression　that　it



was　a　much…delayed　book。　　It　was　never　dismissed　from　my　mind；



even　when　the　hope　of　ever　finishing　it　was　very　faint。　　Many



things　came　in　its　way：　daily　duties；　new　impressions；　old



memories。　　It　was　not　the　outcome　of　a　needthe　famous　need　of



self…expression　which　artists　find　in　their　search　for　motives。　



The　necessity　which　impelled　me　was　a　hidden；　obscure　necessity；



a　completely　masked　and　unaccountable　phenomenon。　　Or　perhaps



some　idle　and　frivolous　magician　（there　must　be　magicians　in



London）　had　cast　a　spell　over　me　through　his　parlour　window　as　I



explored　the　maze　of　streets　east　and　west　in　solitary　leisurely



walks　without　chart　and　compass。　　Till　I　began　to　write　that



novel　I　had　written　nothing　but　letters；　and　not　very　many　of



these。　　I　never　made　a　note　of　a　fact；　of　an　impression；　or　of　an



anecdote　in　my　life。　　The　conception　of　a　planned　book　was



entirely　outside　my　mental　range　when　I　sat　down　to　write；　the



ambition　of　being　an　author　had　never　turned　up　among　those



gracious　imaginary　existences　one　creates　fondly　for　oneself　at



times　in　the　stillness　and　immobility　of　a　day…dream：　yet　it



stands　clear　as　the　sun　at　noonday　that　from　the　moment　I　had



done　blackening　over　the　first　manuscript　page　of　〃Almayer's



Folly〃　（it　contained　about　two　hundred　words　and　this　proportion



of　words　to　a　page　has　remained　with　me　through　the　fifteen　years



of　my　writing　life）；　from　the　moment　I　had；　in　the　simplicity　of



my　heart　and　the　amazing　ignorance　of　my　mind；　written　that　page



the　die　was　cast。　　Never　had　Rubicon　been　more　blindly　forded



without　invocation　to　the　gods；　without　fear　of　men。







That　morning　I　got　up　from　my　breakfast；　pushing　the　chair　back；



and　rang　the　bell　violently；　or　perhaps　I　should　say　resolutely；



or　perhaps　I　should　say　eagerlyI　do　not　know。　　But　manifestly



it　must　have　been　a　special　ring　of　the　bell；　a　common　sound　made



impressive；　like　the　ringing　of　a　bell　for　the　raising　of　the



curtain　upon　a　new　scene。　　It　was　an　unusual　thing　for　me　to　do。　



Generally；　I　dawdled　over　my　breakfast　and　I　seldom　took　the



trouble　to　ring　the　bell　for　the　table　to　be　cleared　away；　but　on



that　morning；　for　some　reason　hidden　in　the　general



mysteriousness　of　the　event；　I　did　not　dawdle。　　And　yet　I　was　not



in　a　hurry。　I　pulled　the　cord　casually；　and　while　the　faint



tinkling　somewhere　down　in　the　basement　went　on；　I　charged　my



pipe　in　the　usual　way　and　I　looked　for　the　match…box　with　glances



distraught　indeed；　but　exhibiting；　I　am　ready　to　swear；　no　signs



of　a　fine　frenzy。　　I　was　composed　enough　to　perceive　after　some



considerable　time　the　match…box　lying　there　on　the　mantelpiece



right　under　my　nose。　　And　all　this　was　beautifully　and　safely



usual。　　Before　I　had　thrown　down　the　match　my　landlady's　daughter



appeared　with　her　calm；　pale　face　and　an　inquisitive　look；　in　the



doorway。　　Of　late　it　was　the　landlady's　daughter　who　answered　my



bell。　　I　mention　this　little　fact　with　pride；　because　it　proves



that　during　the　thirty　or　forty　days　of　my　tenancy　I　had　produced



a　favourable　impression。　　For　a　fortnight　past　I　had　been　spared



the　unattractive　sight　of　the　domestic　slave。　　The　girls　in　that



Bessborough　Gardens　house　were　often　changed；　but　whether　short



or　long；　fair　or　dark；　they　were　always　untidy　and　particularly



bedraggled；　as　if　in　a　sordid　version　of　the　fairy　tale　the



ash…bin　cat　had　been　changed　into　a　maid。　　I　was　infinitely



sensible　of　the　privilege　of　being　waited　on　by　my　landlady's



daughter。　　She　was　neat　if　anemic。







〃Will　you　please　clear　away　all　this　at　once？〃　　I　addressed　her



in　convulsive　accents；　being　at　the　same　time　engaged　in　getting



my　pipe　to　draw。　　This；　I　admit；　was　an　unusual　request。　



Generally；　on　getting　up　from　breakfast　I　would　sit　down　in　the



window　with　a　book　and　let　them　clear　the　table　when　they　liked；



but　if　you　think　that　on　that　morning　I　was　in　the　least



impatient；　you　are　mistaken。　　I　remember　that　I　was　perfectly



calm。