wife who catered to my wishes； lovable children who gave no trouble and
yetthere was still the void to be filled； the old void I had felt as a
boy； the longing for something beyond me； I knew not what； there was the
strange inability to taste any of these things； the need at every turn
for excitement； for a stimulus。 My marriage had been a disappointment；
though I strove to conceal this from myself； a disappointment because it
had not filled the requirements of my categoryexcitement and mystery： I
had provided the setting and lacked the happiness。 Another woman Nancy
might have given me the needed stimulation； and yet my thoughts did not
dwell on Nancy that night； my longings were not directed towards her； but
towards the vision of a calm； contented married happiness I had looked
forward to in youth；a vision suddenly presented once more by the sight
of Maude's simple pleasure in dressing the Christmas tree。 What
restless； fiendish element in me prevented my enjoying that？ I had
something of the fearful feeling of a ghost in my own house and among my
own family； of a spirit doomed to wander； unable to share in what should
have been my own； in what would have saved me were I able to partake of
it。 Was it too late to make that effort？。。。。 Presently the strains of
music pervaded my consciousness； the chimes of Trinity ringing out in the
damp night the Christmas hymn； Adeste Fideles。 It was midnight it was
Christmas。 How clear the notes rang through the wet air that came in at
my window！ Back into the dim centuries that music led me； into candle…
lit Gothic chapels of monasteries on wind…swept heights above the firs；
and cathedrals in mediaeval cities。 Twilight ages of war and scourge and
stress and stormand faith。 〃Oh； come； all ye Faithful！〃 What a
strange thing； that faith whose flame so marvellously persisted； piercing
the gloom； the Christmas myth； as I had heard someone once call it。 Did
it possess the power to save me？ Save me from what？ Ah； in this hour I
knew。 In the darkness the Danger loomed up before me； vague yet
terrible； and I trembled。 Why was not this Thing ever present； to
chasten and sober me？ The Thing was myself。
Into my remembrance； by what suggestion I know not； came that March
evening when I had gone to Holder Chapel at Harvard to listen to a
preacher； a personality whose fame and influence had since spread
throughout the land。 Some dim fear had possessed me then。 I recalled
vividly the man； and the face of Hermann Krebs as I drew back from the
doorway。。。。
When I awoke my disquieting； retrospective mood had disappeared； and yet
there clung to me； minus the sanction of fear or reward or revealed
truth； a certain determination to behave； on this day at least； more like
a father and a husband： to make an effort to enter into the spirit of the
festival； and see what happened。 I dressed in cheerful haste； took the
sapphire pendant from its velvet box； tiptoed into the still silent
schoolroom and hung it on the tree； flooding on the electric light that
set the tinsel and globes ablaze。 No sooner had I done this than I heard
the patter of feet in the hallway； and a high…pitched voiceBiddy's
crying out：
〃It's Santa Claus！〃
Three small； flannel…wrappered figures stood in the doorway。
〃Why； it's father！〃 exclaimed Moreton。
〃And he's all dressed！〃 said Matthew。
〃Oh…h…h！〃 cried Biddy； staring at the blazing tree； 〃isn't it beautiful！〃
Maude was close behind them。 She gave an exclamation of delighted
surprise when she saw me； and then stood gazing with shining eyes at the
children； especially at Biddy； who stood dazzled by the glory of the
constellation confronting her。。。。 Matthew； too； wished to prolong the
moment of mystery。 It was the practical Moreton who cried：
〃Let's see what we've got！〃
The assault and the sacking began。 I couldn't help thinking as I watched
them of my own wildly riotous； Christmas…morning sensations； when all the
gifts had worn the aura of the supernatural； but the arrival of these
toys was looked upon by my children as a part of the natural order of the
universe。 At Maude's suggestion the night before we had placed my
presents； pieces de resistance； at a distance from the tree； in the hope
that they would not be spied at once； that they would be in some sort a
climax。 It was Matthew who first perceived the ship； and identified it；
by the card； as his property。 To him it was clearly wonderful； but no
miracle。 He did not cry out； or call the attention of the others to it；
but stood with his feet apart； examining it； his first remark being a
query as to why it didn't fly the American flag。 It's ensign was
British。 Then Moreton saw the locomotive； was told that it was his； and
took possession of it violently。 Why wasn't there more track？ Wouldn't
I get more track？ I explained that it would go by steam； and he began
unscrewing the cap on the little boiler until he was distracted by the
man…of…war； and with natural acquisitiveness started to take possession
of that。 Biddy was bewildered by the doll； which Maude had taken up and
was holding in her lap。 She had had talking dolls before； and dolls that
closed their eyes； she recognized this one； indeed； as a sort of super…
doll； but her little mind was modern； too； and set no limits on what
might be accomplished。 She patted it； but was more impressed by the
raptures of Miss Allsop； who had come in and was admiring it with some
extravagance。 Suddenly the child caught sight of her stocking； until now
forgotten； and darted for the fireplace。
I turned to Maude； who stood beside me； watching them。
〃But you haven't looked on the tree yourself；〃 I reminded her。
She gave me an odd； questioning glance； and got up and set down the doll。
As she stood for a moment gazing at the lights； she seemed very girlish
in her dressing…gown； with her hair in two long plaits down her back。
〃Oh； Hugh！〃 She lifted the pendant from the branch and held it up。 Her
gratitude； her joy at receiving a present was deeper than the children's！
〃You chose it for me？〃
I felt something like a pang when I thought how little trouble it had
been。
〃If you don't like it；〃 I said； 〃or wish to have it changed〃
〃Changed！〃 she exclaimed reproachfully。 〃Do you think I'd change it？
Onlyit's much too valuable〃
I smiled。。。。 Miss Allsop deftly undid the clasp and hung it around
Maude's neck。
〃How it suits you； Mrs。 Paret！〃 she cried。。。。
This pendant was by no means the only present I had given Maude in recent
years； and though she cared as little for jewels as for dress she seemed
to attach to it a peculiar value and significance that disturbed and
smote me； for the incident had revealed a love unchanged and
unchangeable。 Had she taken my gift as a sign that my indifference was
melting？
As I went downstairs and into the library to read the financial page of
the morning newspaper I asked myself； with a certain disquiet； whether；
in the formal； complicated； and luxurious conditions in which we now
lived it might be possible to build up new ties and common interests。 I
reflected that this would involve confessions and confidences on my part；
since there was a whole side of my life of which Maude knew nothing。 I
had convinced myself long ago that a man's business career was no affair
of his wife's： I had justified that career to myself： yet I had always
had a vague feeling that Maude； had she known the details； would not have
approved of it。 Impossible； indeed； for a woman to grasp these problems。
They were outside of her experience。
Nevertheless； something might be done to improve our relationship；
something which would relieve me of that uneasy lack of unity I felt when
at home； of the lassitude and ennui I was wont to feel creeping over me
on Sundays and holidays。。。。
XX。
I find in relating those parts of my experience that seem to be of most
significance I have neglected to tell of my mother's death； which
occurred the year before we moved to Grant Avenue。 She had clung the
rest of her days to the house in which I had been born。 Of late years
she had lived in my children； and Maude's devotion to her had been
unflagging。 Truth compels me to say that she had long ceased to be a
factor in my life。 I have thought of her in later years。
Coincident with the unexpected feeling of fruitlessness that came to me
with the Grant Avenue house； of things achieved but not realized or
appreciated； was the appearance of a cloud on the business horizon； or
rather on the political horizon； since it is hard to separate the two
realms。 There were signs； for those who could read； of a rising popular
storm。 During the earliest years of the new century the political
atmosphere had changed； the public had shown a tendency to grow restless；
and everybody knows how important it is for financial operations； for
prosperity； that the people should mind their own business。 In short；
our commercial…romantic pilgrimage began to meet with unexpected
resistance。 It was as though the nation were entering into a senseless
conspiracy to kill prosperity。
In the first place； in regard to the Presidency of the United States； a
cog had unwittingly been slipped。 It had always been recognizedas I
have saidby responsible financial personages that the impulses of the
majority of Americans could not be trusted； that thesewho had inherited
illusions of freedommust be governed firmly yet with delicacy； unknown
to them； their Presidents must be chosen for them； precisely as Mr。
Watling had been chosen for the people of our state； and the popular
enthusiasm manufactured later。 There were informal meetings in New York；
in Washington； where candidates were discussed； not that such and such a
man was settled upon；it was a process of elimination。 Usually the
affair had gone smoothly。 For instance； a while before； a benevolent
capitalist of the middle west； an intimate of Adolf Scherer； had become
obsessed with the idea that a friend of his was the safest and sanest man
for the head of the nation； had convinced his fellow…capitalists of this；
whereupon he had gone ahead to spend his energy and his money freely