Can we just seize happiness？ Will it not elude us just as much as though
we believed firmly in the ten commandments？〃
〃No；〃 I declared obstinately。
She shook her head。
〃What I'm afraid of is that the world isn't made that wayfor youfor
me。 We're permitted to seize those other things because they're just
baubles； we've both found out how worthless they are。 And the worst of
it is they've made me a coward； Hugh。 It isn't that I couldn't do
without them； I've come to depend on them in another way。 It's because
they give me a certain protection；do you see？ they've come to stand in
the place of the real convictions we've lost。 Andwell； we've taken the
baubles； can we reach out our hands and takethis？ Won't we be punished
for it； frightfully punished？〃
〃I don't care if we are；〃 I said； and surprised myself。
〃But I care。 It's weak； it's cowardly； but it's so。 And yet I want to
face the situationI'm trying to get you to face it； to realize how
terrible it is。〃
〃I only know that I want you above everything else in the worldI'll
take care of you〃
I seized her arms； I drew her down to me。
〃Don't！〃 she cried。 〃Oh； don't！〃 and struggled to her feet and stood
before me panting。 〃You must go away nowplease； Hugh。 I can't bear
any moreI want to think。〃
I released her。 She sank into the chair and hid her face in her
hands。。。。
As may be imagined； the incident I have just related threw my life into a
tangle that would have floored a less persistent optimist and romanticist
than myself； yet I became fairly accustomed to treading what the old
moralists called the devious paths of sin。 In my passion I had not
hesitated to lay down the doctrine that the courageous and the strong
took what they wanted；a doctrine of which I had been a consistent
disciple in the professional and business realm。 A logical buccaneer；
superman； 〃master of life〃 would promptly have extended this doctrine to
the realm of sex。 Nancy was the mate for me； and Nancy and I； our
development； was all that mattered； especially my development。 Let every
man and woman look out for his or her development； and in the end the
majority of people would be happy。 This was going Adam Smith one better。
When it came to putting that theory into practice； however； one needed
convictions： Nancy had been right when she had implied that convictions
were precisely what we lacked； what our world in general lacked。 We had
desires； yes convictions； no。 What we wanted we got not by defying the
world； but by conforming to it： we were ready to defy only when our
desires overcame the resistance of our synapses； and even then not until
we should have exhausted every legal and conventional means。
A superman with a wife and family he had acquired before a great passion
has made him a superman is in rather a predicament； especially if he be
one who has achieved such superhumanity as he possesses not by
challenging laws and conventions； but by getting around them。 My wife
and family loved me； and paradoxically I still had affection for them； or
thought I had。 But the superman creed is； 〃be yourself； realize
yourself； no matter how cruel you may have to be in order to do so。〃 One
trouble with me was that remnants of the Christian element of pity still
clung to me。 I would be cruel if I had to； but I hoped I shouldn't have
to： something would turn up； something in the nature of an intervening
miracle that would make it easy for me。 Perhaps Maude would take the
initiative and relieve me。。。。 Nancy had appealed for a justifying
doctrine； and it was just what I didn't have and couldn't evolve。 In the
meanwhile it was quite in character that I should accommodate myself to a
situation that might well be called anomalous。
This 〃accommodation〃 was not unaccompanied by fever。 My longing to
realize my love for Nancy kept me in a constant state of tensionof
〃nerves〃； for our relationship had merely gone one step farther； we had
reached a point where we acknowledged that we loved each other； and
paradoxically halted there； Nancy clung to her demand for new sanctions
with a tenacity that amazed and puzzled and often irritated me。 And yet；
when I look back upon it all； I can see that some of the difficulty lay
with me： if she had her weaknesswhich she acknowledgedI had mineand
kept it to myself。 It was part of my romantic nature not to want to
break her down。 Perhaps I loved the ideal better than the woman herself；
though that scarcely seems possible。
We saw each other constantly。 And though we had instinctively begun to
be careful； I imagine there was some talk among our acquaintances。 It is
to be noted that the gossip never became riotous； for we had always been
friends； and Nancy had a saving reputation for coldness。 It seemed
incredible that Maude had not discovered my secret； but if she knew of
it； she gave no sign of her knowledge。 Often； as I looked at her； I
wished she would。 I can think of no more expressive sentence in regard
to her than the trite one that she pursued the even tenor of her way； and
I found the very perfection of her wifehood exasperating。 Our
relationship would； I thought； have been more endurable if we had
quarrelled。 And yet we had grown as far apart； in that big house； as
though we had been separated by a continent； I lived in my apartments；
she in hers； she consulted me about dinner parties and invitations； for；
since we had moved to Grant Avenue； we entertained and went out more than
before。 It seemed as though she were making every effort consistent with
her integrity and self…respect to please me。 Outwardly she conformed to
the mould； but I had long been aware that inwardly a person had
developed。 It had not been a spontaneous development； but one in
resistance to pressure； and was probably all the stronger for that
reason。 At times her will revealed itself in astonishing and unexpected
flashes； as when once she announced that she was going to change
Matthew's school。
〃He's old enough to go to boarding…school；〃 I said。 〃I'll look up a
place for him。〃
〃I don't wish him to go to boarding…school yet； Hugh；〃 she said quietly。
〃But that's just what he needs；〃 I objected。 〃He ought to have the
rubbing…up against other boys that boarding…school will give him。
Matthew is timid； he should have learned to take care of himself。 And he
will make friendships that will help him in a larger school。〃
〃I don't intend to send him；〃 Maude said。
〃But if I think it wise？〃
〃You ought to have begun to consider such things many years ago。 You
have always been toobusy to think of the children。 You have left them
to me。 I am doing the best I can with them。〃
〃But a man should have something to say about boys。 He understands
them。〃
〃You should have thought of that before。〃
〃They haven't been old enough。〃
〃If you had taken your share of responsibility for them； I would listen
to you。〃
〃Maude！〃 I exclaimed reproachfully。
〃No； Hugh；〃 she went on； 〃you have been too busymaking money。 You have
left them tome。 It is my task to see that the money they are to inherit
doesn't ruin them。〃
〃You talk as though it were a great fortune；〃 I said。
But I did not press the matter。 I had a presentiment that to press it
might lead to unpleasant results。
It was this sense of not being free； of having gained everything but
freedom that was at times galling in the extreme： this sense of living
with a woman for whom I had long ceased to care； a woman with a baffling
will concealed beneath an unruffled and serene exterior。 At moments I
looked at her across the table； she did not seem to have aged much： her
complexion was as fresh； apparently； as the day when I had first walked
with her in the garden at Elkington； her hair the same wonderful colour；
perhaps she had grown a little stouter。 There could be no doubt about
the fact that her chin was firmer； that certain lines had come into her
face indicative of what is called character。 Beneath her pliability she
was now all firmness； the pliability had become a mockery。 It cannot be
said that I went so far as to hate her for this；when it was in my
mind；but my feelings were of a strong antipathy。 And then again there
were rare moments when I was inexplicably drawn to her； not by love and
passion； I melted a little in pity； perhaps； when my eyes were opened and
I saw the tragedy； yet I am not referring now to such feelings as these。
I am speaking of the times when I beheld her as the blameless companion
of the years； the mother of my children； the woman I was used to and
shouldby all canons I had knownhave loved。。。。
And there were the children。 Days and weeks passed when I scarcely saw
them； and then some little incident would happen to give me an unexpected
wrench and plunge me into unhappiness。 One evening I came home from a
long talk with Nancy that had left us both wrought up； and I had entered
the library before I heard voices。 Maude was seated under the lamp at
the end of the big room reading from 〃Don Quixote〃； Matthew and Biddy
were at her feet； and Moreton； less attentive； at a little distance was
taking apart a mechanical toy。 I would have tiptoed out； but Biddy
caught sight of me。
〃It's father！〃 she cried； getting up and flying to me。
〃Oh； father； do come and listen！ The story's so exciting； isn't it；
Matthew？〃
I looked down into the boy's eyes shining with an expression that
suddenly pierced my heart with a poignant memory of myself。 Matthew was
far away among the mountains and castles of Spain。
〃Matthew；〃 demanded his sister； 〃why did he want to go fighting with all
those people？〃
〃Because he was dotty；〃 supplied Moreton； who had an interesting habit of
picking up slang。
〃It wasn't at all；〃 cried Matthew； indignantly； interrupting Maude's
rebuke of his brother。
〃What was it； then？〃 Moreton demanded。
〃You wouldn't understand if I told you；〃 Matthew was retorting； when
Maude put her hand on his lips。
〃I think that's enough for to…night；〃 she said； as she closed the book。
〃There are lessons to doand father wants to read his newspaper in
quiet。〃
This brought a protest from Biddy。
〃Just a little more； mothe