lawyers should be eliminated from the Senate； I could not contemplate
with any peace of mind what might happen to the country。 In thus urging
you； I know you will believe me when I say that my affection and judgment
are equally involved； for it would be a matter of greater pride than I
can express to have you follow me here as you have followed me at home。
And I beg of you seriously to consider it。。。。 I understand that Maude
and the children are abroad。 Remember me to them affectionately when you
write。 If you can find it convenient to come here； to Maine； to discuss
the matter； you may be sure of a welcome。 In any case； I expect to be in
Washington in September for a meeting of our special committee。
Sincerely and affectionately yours； Theodore Watling。〃
It was characteristic of him that the tone of the letter should be
uniformly cheerful； that he should say nothing whatever of the blow this
must be to his ambitions and hopes； and my agitation at the new and
disturbing prospect thus opened up for me was momentarily swept away by
feelings of affection and sorrow。 A sharp realization came to me of how
much I admired and loved this man； and this was followed by a pang at the
thought of the disappointment my refusal would give him。 Complications I
did not wish to examine were then in the back of my mind； and while I
still sat holding the letter in my hand the telephone rang； and a message
came from Leonard Dickinson begging me to call at the bank at once。
Miller Gorse was there； and Tallant； waving a palm…leaf while sitting
under the electric fan。 They were all very grave； and they began to talk
about the suddenness of Mr。 Watling's illness and to speculate upon its
nature。 Leonard Dickinson was the most moved of the three； but they were
all distressed； and showed iteven Tallant； whom I had never credited
with any feelings； they spoke about the loss to the state。 At length
Gorse took a cigar from his pocket and lighted it； the smoke； impelled by
the fan； drifted over the panelled partition into the bank。
〃I suppose Mr。 Watling mentioned to you what he wrote to us；〃 he said。
〃Yes；〃 I admitted。
〃Well；〃 he asked； 〃what do you think of it？〃
〃I attribute it to Mr。 Watling's friendship；〃 I replied。
〃No；〃 said Gorse； in his businesslike manner； 〃Watling's right； there's
no one else。〃 Considering the number of inhabitants of our state； this
remark had its humorous aspect。
〃That's true；〃 Dickinson put in； 〃there's no one else available who
understands the situation as you do； Hugh； no one else we can trust as we
trust you。 I had a wire from Mr。 Barbour this morninghe agrees。 We'll
miss you here； but now that Watling will be gone we'll need you there。
And he's rightit's something we've got to decide on right away； and get
started on soon； we can't afford to wobble and run any chances of a
revolt。〃
〃It isn't everybody the senatorship comes to on a platterespecially at
your age；〃 said Tallant。
〃To tell you the truth；〃 I answered； addressing Dickinson； 〃I'm not
prepared to talk about it now。 I appreciate the honour； but I'm not at
all sure I'm the right man。 And I've been considerably upset by this
news of Mr。 Watling。〃
〃Naturally you would be；〃 said the banker； sympathetically； 〃and we share
your feelings。 I don't know of any man for whom I have a greater
affection than I have for Theodore Wading。 We shouldn't have mentioned
it now； Hugh； if Watling hadn't started the thing himself； if it weren't
important to know where we stand right away。 We can't afford to lose the
seat。 Take your time； but remember you're the man we depend upon。〃
Gorse nodded。 I was aware； all the time Dickinson was speaking； of being
surrounded by the strange； disquieting gaze of the counsel for the
Railroad。。。。
I went back to my office to spend an uneasy morning。 My sorrow for Mr。
Watling was genuine； but nevertheless I found myself compelled to
consider an honour no man lightly refuses。 Had it presented itself at
any other time； had it been due to a happier situation than that brought
about by the illness of a man whom I loved and admired； I should have
thought the prospect dazzling indeed； part and parcel of my amazing luck。
But nownow I was in an emotional state that distorted the factors of
life； all those things I hitherto had valued； even such a prize as this I
weighed in terms of one supreme desire： how would the acceptance of the
senatorship affect the accomplishment of this desire？ That was the
question。 I began making rapid calculations： the actual election would
take place in the legislature a year from the following January； provided
I were able to overcome Nancy's resistancewhich I was determined to do…
…nothing in the way of divorce proceedings could be thought of for more
than a year； and I feared delay。 On the other hand； if we waited until
after I had been duly elected to get my divorce and marry Nancy my
chances of reelection would be small。 What did I care for the
senatorship anywayif I had her？ and I wanted her now； as soon as I
could get her。 Shea life with her represented new values； new values I
did not define； that made all I had striven for in the past of little
worth。 This was a bauble compared with the companionship of the woman I
loved； the woman intended for me； who would give me peace of mind and
soul and develop those truer aspirations that had long been thwarted and
starved for lack of her。 Gradually； as she regained the ascendency over
my mind she ordinarily heldand from which she had been temporarily
displaced by the arrival of Mr。 Watling's letter and the talk in the
bankI became impatient and irritated by the intrusion。 But what answer
should I give to Dickinson and Gorse？ what excuse for declining such an
offer？ I decided； as may be imagined； to wait； to temporize。
The irony of circumstancesof what might have beenprevented now my
laying this trophy at Nancy's feet； for I knew I had only to mention the
matter to be certain of losing her。
XXIII。
I had bought a small automobile； which I ran myself； and it was my custom
to arrive at the farm every evening about five o'clock。 But as I look
back upon those days they seem to have lost succession； to be fused
together； as it were； into one indeterminable period by the intense
pressure of emotion； unsatisfied emotion；and the state of physical and
mental disorganization set up by it is in the retrospect not a little
terrifying。 The world grew more and more distorted； its affairs were
neglected； things upon which I had set high values became as nothing。
And even if I could summon back something of the sequence of our
intercourse； it would be a mere repetitiongrowing on my part more
irrational and insistentof what I have already related。 There were
long； troubled； and futile silences when we sat together on the porch or
in the woods and fields； when I wondered whether it were weakness or
strength that caused Nancy to hold out against my importunities： the
fears she professed of retribution； the benumbing effects of the
conventional years； or the deep…rooted remnants of a Calvinism whichas
she proclaimedhad lost definite expression to persist as an intuition。
I recall something she said when she turned to me after one of these
silences。
〃Do you know how I feel sometimes？ as though you and I had wandered
together into a strange country； and lost our way。 We have lost our way；
Hughit's all so clandestine； so feverish； so unnatural； so unrelated to
life； this existence we're leading。 I believe it would be better if it
were a mere case of physical passion。 I can't help it；〃 she went on；
when I had exclaimed against this； 〃we are tootoo complicated； you are
too complicated。 It's because we want the morning stars； don't you see？〃
She wound her fingers tightly around mine。 〃We not only want this； but
all of life besidesyou wouldn't be satisfied with anything less。 Oh； I
know it。 That's your temperament； you were made that way； and I
shouldn't be satisfied if you weren't。 The time would come when you
would blame me I don't mean vulgarlyand I couldn't stand that。 If you
weren't that way； if that weren't your nature； I mean； I should have
given way long ago。〃
I made some sort of desperate protest。
〃No； if I didn't know you so well I believe I should have given in long
ago。 I'm not thinking of you alone； but of myself； too。 I'm afraid I
shouldn't be happy； that I should begin to thinkand then I couldn't
stop。 The plain truth； as I've told you over and over again； is that I'm
not big enough。〃 She continued smiling at me； a smile on which I could
not bear to look。 〃I was wrong not to have gone away；〃 I heard her say。
〃I will go away。〃
I was； at the time； too profoundly discouraged to answer。。。。
One evening after an exhausting talk we sat； inert； on the grass hummock
beside the stream。 Heavy clouds had gathered in the sky； the light had
deepened to amethyst； the valley was still； swooning with expectancy；
louder and louder the thunder rolled from behind the distant hills； and
presently a veil descended to hide them from our view。 Great drops began
to fall； unheeded。
〃We must go in；〃 said Nancy； at length。
I followed her across the field and through the orchard。 From the porch
we stood gazing out at the whitening rain that blotted all save the
nearer landscape； and the smell of wet； midsummer grasses will always be
associated with the poignancy of that moment。。。。 At dinner； between the
intervals of silence； our talk was of trivial things。 We made a mere
pretence of eating； and I remember having my attention arrested by the
sight of a strange； pitying expression on the face of Mrs。 Olsen； who
waited on us。 Before that the woman had been to me a mere ministering
automaton。 But she must have had ideas and opinions； this transported
Swedish peasant。。。。 Presently； having cleared the table； she retired。。。。
The twilight deepened to dusk； to darkness。 The storm； having spent the
intensity of its passion in those first moments of heavy downpour and
wind； had relaxed to a gentle rain that pattered on the roof； and from
the stream came recurringly the dirge of the frogs。 All I