conversation； comprehension； and real world contact with the languages in addition to the
grammar。
As I grappled with the complexities of grammar in Russian； Finnish； Hungarian；
and； to a lesser extent； German； I had visions of those people way back when they were
wandering tribes。 I imagined the tribal elders squatting around campfires consulting with
soothsayers who warned them； “In the mid twentieth century a child will be born to the
Farber family in a place they’ll call America。 He will try to learn our language。 At
present it’s too simple。 Get back to work and come up with some more grammar。 Let our
noun endings mire him up to his hips。 Let the felsh of his face feel the thorns of our
verbs。 Flay his back with exceptions to our rules and let his hair get caught in our
inflecting negatives and perfective aspects。
“Hurry！” the soothsayer concludes。 “We haven’t got a century to waste。 Get in there
right now and mess our language up so that poor guy will never get it！”
Now let the adult mind enter and make peace。 Obviously； no language tries to be
hard just to keep you out。 Whatever rules you find perplexing in your target language；
that language came by them naturally and organically。 Grammar does change； but so
slowly you’ll never have to worry about it。 Approach the grammar with a smile and your
hand extended。 That which you understand； take and keep。 That which is confusing；
return to again and again。 That which seems impossible； return to again and again and
again； until it becomes merely confusing。 It will ultimately become clear。 Meanwhile；
however； you will be speeding ahead in your command of the language as you keep
returning to those stubborn fortresses of grammatical resistance。
I can honestly say I came to like the study of grammar。 Once you finally approach
grammar with the right attitude； it becomes both a map that shows you the pathways
through a language and a rocket that takes you there faster。
A paleontologist can find lifetime fascination with a fossil a child might ignore；
kick； or toss into the lake just to hear the splash。 Likewise； the grammar of various
languages throws off some laughs and insights nonlinguists never get a chance to marvel
at。
In German； for example； a woman doesn’t achieve feminine gender until she gets
married。 The word for “girl” （M。dchen） and “miss” （Fr。ulein） are both neuter gender。 In
Russian； the past tense of verbs acts like an adjective； it doesn’t shift forms according to
person and number as verbs normally do； but shift according to gender and number as
adjectives do。 In Norwegian； Danish； and Swedish the definite article （“the”） follows the
noun and is attached to it。 Therefore； “a field” in Norwegian is en mark。 “The field；”；
however； is marken。 Romanian and Albanian； completely unrelated to the Scandinavian
languages； do the same thing。
In Finnish； the word for “not” is a verb。 （At least it behaves like a verb。） Finnish；
alone in all the world； has an inflecting negative。 In every other language in which verbs
conjugate； the form of the verb changes according to person and number； whether the
verb is positive or negative。 Thus； in Spanish the verb meaning “to want” goes yo quiero；
tu quieres； el quiere。 If you wish to say “I don’t want”； you keep the verb forms the same
and throw the word for “not”； no； in front of it （yo no quiero； tu no quieres； el no quiere）。
In Finnish； and this is pure believe…it…or…not to anyone who’s looked at a lot of
different languages； it’s the word for not that does the changing！ Thus； “I want；” “you
want；” “he wants” in Finnish goes； （min。） haluan； （sin。） haluat； （h。n） halua。 In the
negative； however； the verb for “want” becomes halua in all persons and the word for
“not” changes from person to person。 Thus； “I don’t want；” “you don’t want；” “he
doesn’t want” becomes （min。） en halua； （sin。） et halua； （h。n） ei halua。
I think my most impossible to top discovery is the fact that in Hindi and Urdu
“tomorrow” and “yesterday” are translated by the same word。 Once； a Pakistani cab
driver actually seemed irked that I found that to be at all strange。 “We have verb tenses to
tell us which is which” was his testy explanation。
American feminists have mounted crusades to convert sexist terms that have over
the years insinuated themselves deep into the language。 We’ve all abandoned chairman；
for example； for the cumbersome but less provocative chairperson； manhole for
maintenance hole； and so on。
It’s strange that the most blazing example of language sexism has gone unreformed；
even though it occurs in some countries with active and successful feminist movements。
Maybe it’s because； unlike manhole； this sexism is more than just a word or a term。 It’s
gone through the bone into the marrow； through the words of the language into the
grammar。
You may remember it from Spanish 1。 You may have gotten it right on the tests and
not thought of it since。 I refer to the Romance language “gender surrender” from
feminine to masculine。
Let’s say two women are having lunch。 If you want to refer to them in Spanish； the
word is ellas； the feminine “they” or “them。” If they should be joined by a man； however；
the ellas becomes ellos； masculine for “they” or “them。” And no matter how many more
women show up and crowd around the table； the Spanish language can never put that
humpty dumpty ellas back into play – unless the lone man leaves！
Theoretically； a million women can be rallying in the main square of the capital。
The newspapers will report that ellas rallied； made demands； did thus and so。 If； however；
one man wanders into the square to join in； the proper pronoun is ellos！ And that same
rule goes for French； Italian； Portugese； Romanian； and a few other languages。
You may never come to love grammar； but work with it。 Although sometimes
annoying and thick in disguise； it’s your friend。
French or Tagalog：
Choosing a Language
What are your language objectives？
This is not merely one of those abstract questions universities and fitness centres
like to annoy you with before they accept your application。
Are you planning to marry a German and live in Germany？ Then the language you
want to learn in German。 You should stick to German and learn it well。 Do you own a
hardware store in a neighbourhood of a growing American city where your customers
represent eighteen different language groups； including Tagalog and Punjabi？ Then you
want to learn greetings； key business expressions like “invoice” and “charge account；”
and the names of as many items in your inventory as you can in eighteen different
languages； including Tagalog and Punjabi。
The way you’re going to spend your language learning hours depends on your
objectives。
We’re going to presume here that whatever language you choose to learn； you want
to learn well。 If you merely want to learn a smattering of greetings and phrases in a lot of
languages； great。 You’re in for a lot of fun； particularly when you see； if you haven’t
already； how far even a few words can carry you。 In that case； the departure from the
method outlined here is obvious。 You don’t need mastery of the grammar。 Most big
bookstores offer racks of phrase books for travellers in up to twenty…five different
languages。 Buy all you want and study your favourite ten or fifteen of the first hundred
phrases in each。
Don’t feel frivolous if you feel you want to learn a language but don’t know which
one。 You’re part of a movement to correct a weakness that has bedevilled America since
the founding of our nation。 Do you like opera？ Try Italian。 Diamonds？ Try Dutch。
Commercial advantage？ German or Japanese。 Cutting edge positioning for the world
down the road？ Chinese or Arabic。 East…West barrier breaking and door opening？
Russian。
French is second only to English as an international language； spoken far beyond
the borders of France itself。 Spanish enables Americans to become more complete
citizens of the Western Hemisphere； while a resurgent Spain itself becomes an
increasingly important part of Europe。
If willingness of subject peoples to learn the language of the conqueror is any
indication of the conqueror’s popularity； then the winning conqueror is England and the
loser is Russia。 Those forced into Moscow’s postwar empire had an aversion to learning
Russian； but in spite of Communism’s failure； the Russian language remains the most
widely spoken of the Slavic languages。 It can be your key to the dozen or so related
languages （Polish； Czech； etc。）。
Maybe you want to learn a difficult language； like Finnish； an easy language； like
Indonesian； a useful language； like French； or an obscure language； like Albanian。
My motives for learning various languages have ranged from chance and youthful
energy （Norwegian） to wanting a vital tool for my work （Spanish） to processing refugees
（Hungarian） to getting dates with women whose looks I liked （Swedish） to proving I
wasn’t an idiot for almost flunking Latin （Chinese）。
Nobody who sells language learning books and devices will ever frown in
disappointment at your choice of a language。 Don’t feel you have to apologise or explain
that you want to learn Czech – or Catalan or Yoruba or Urdu or Kurdish – for no other
reason than you’re tired of walking around a world as exciting as this one speaking only
one language！
Gathering Your Tools
You’ve decided which language you’re going to learn； and you’ve made a deal with the
grammar of that language： you agree to learn it； and in return it agrees not to rush you；
bore you； discourage you； or hurt you。
Now it’s time to go shopping。 Find a bookstore that offers a broad selection of
language learning materials。 Don’t settle for one where the clerk is no