anne of the island- 第42部分

anything　in　life；　Anne　asked　herself　wearily；　like　one's　imagination

of　it？　　It　was　the　old　diamond　disillusion　of　childhood　repeated　

the　same　disappointment　she　had　felt　when　she　had　first　seen　the

chill　sparkle　instead　of　the　purple　splendor　she　had　anticipated。

〃That's　not　my　idea　of　a　diamond；〃　she　had　said。　　But　Roy　was　a

dear　fellow　and　they　would　be　very　happy　together；　even　if　some

indefinable　zest　was　missing　out　of　life。　　When　Roy　came　down　that

evening　and　asked　Anne　to　walk　in　the　park　every　one　at　Patty's

Place　knew　what　he　had　come　to　say；　and　every　one　knew；　or　thought

they　knew；　what　Anne's　answer　would　be。



〃Anne　is　a　very　fortunate　girl；〃　said　Aunt　Jamesina。



〃I　suppose　so；〃　said　Stella；　shrugging　her　shoulders。　　〃Roy　is　a

nice　fellow　and　all　that。　　But　there's　really　nothing　in　him。〃



〃That　sounds　very　like　a　jealous　remark；　Stella　Maynard；〃　said

Aunt　Jamesina　rebukingly。



〃It　does　　but　I　am　not　jealous；〃　said　Stella　calmly。　　〃I　love

Anne　and　I　like　Roy。　　Everybody　says　she　is　making　a　brilliant

match；　and　even　Mrs。　Gardner　thinks　her　charming　now。　　It　all

sounds　as　if　it　were　made　in　heaven；　but　I　have　my　doubts。

Make　the　most　of　that；　Aunt　Jamesina。〃



Roy　asked　Anne　to　marry　him　in　the　little　pavilion　on　the　harbor

shore　where　they　had　talked　on　the　rainy　day　of　their　first　meeting。

Anne　thought　it　very　romantic　that　he　should　have　chosen　that　spot。

And　his　proposal　was　as　beautifully　worded　as　if　he　had　copied　it；

as　one　of　Ruby　Gillis'　lovers　had　done；　out　of　a　Deportment　of

Courtship　and　Marriage。　　The　whole　effect　was　quite　flawless。

And　it　was　also　sincere。　　There　was　no　doubt　that　Roy　meant

what　he　said。　　There　was　no　false　note　to　jar　the　symphony。

Anne　felt　that　she　ought　to　be　thrilling　from　head　to　foot。

But　she　wasn't；　she　was　horribly　cool。　　When　Roy　paused

for　his　answer　she　opened　her　lips　to　say　her　fateful　yes。

And　then　　she　found　herself　trembling　as　if　she　were　reeling

back　from　a　precipice。　　To　her　came　one　of　those　moments　when　we

realize；　as　by　a　blinding　flash　of　illumination；　more　than　all

our　previous　years　have　taught　us。　　She　pulled　her　hand　from　Roy's。



〃Oh；　I　can't　marry　you　　I　can't　　I　can't；〃　she　cried；　wildly。



Roy　turned　pale　　and　also　looked　rather　foolish。　　He　had　

small　blame　to　him　　felt　very　sure。



〃What　do　you　mean？〃　he　stammered。



〃I　mean　that　I　can't　marry　you；〃　repeated　Anne　desperately。

〃I　thought　I　could　　but　I　can't。〃



〃Why　can't　you？〃　Roy　asked　more　calmly。



〃Because　　I　don't　care　enough　for　you。〃



A　crimson　streak　came　into　Roy's　face。



〃So　you've　just　been　amusing　yourself　these　two　years？〃　he　said　slowly。



〃No；　no；　I　haven't；〃　gasped　poor　Anne。　　Oh；　how　could　she　explain？

She　COULDN'T　explain。　　There　are　some　things　that　cannot　be　explained。

〃I　did　think　I　cared　　truly　I　did　　but　I　know　now　I　don't。〃



〃You　have　ruined　my　life；〃　said　Roy　bitterly。



〃Forgive　me；〃　pleaded　Anne　miserably；　with　hot　cheeks　and

stinging　eyes。



Roy　turned　away　and　stood　for　a　few　minutes　looking　out　seaward。

When　he　came　back　to　Anne；　he　was　very　pale　again。



〃You　can　give　me　no　hope？〃　he　said。



Anne　shook　her　head　mutely。



〃Then　　good…bye；〃　said　Roy。　　〃I　can't　understand　it　　I

can't　believe　you　are　not　the　woman　I've　believed　you　to　be。

But　reproaches　are　idle　between　us。　　You　are　the　only　woman

I　can　ever　love。　　I　thank　you　for　your　friendship；　at　least。

Good…bye；　Anne。〃



〃Good…bye；〃　faltered　Anne。　　When　Roy　had　gone　she　sat　for　a　long

time　in　the　pavilion；　watching　a　white　mist　creeping　subtly　and

remorselessly　landward　up　the　harbor。　　It　was　her　hour　of　humiliation

and　self…contempt　and　shame。　　Their　waves　went　over　her。　　And　yet；

underneath　it　all；　was　a　queer　sense　of　recovered　freedom。



She　slipped　into　Patty's　Place　in　the　dusk　and　escaped　to　her　room。

But　Phil　was　there　on　the　window　seat。



〃Wait；〃　said　Anne；　flushing　to　anticipate　the　scene。　　〃Wait　til

you　hear　what　I　have　to　say。　　Phil；　Roy　asked　me　to　marry　him…and

I　refused。〃



〃You　　you　REFUSED　him？〃　said　Phil　blankly。



〃Yes。〃



〃Anne　Shirley；　are　you　in　your　senses？〃



〃I　think　so；〃　said　Anne　wearily。　　〃Oh；　Phil；　don't　scold　me。

You　don't　understand。〃



〃I　certainly　don't　understand。　　You've　encouraged　Roy　Gardner　in

every　way　for　two　years　　and　now　you　tell　me　you've　refused　him。

Then　you've　just　been　flirting　scandalously　with　him。　　Anne；　I

couldn't　have　believed　it　of　YOU。〃



〃I　WASN'T　flirting　with　him　　I　honestly　thought　I　cared　up　to　the

last　minute　　and　then　　well；　I　just　knew　I　NEVER　could　marry　him。〃



〃I　suppose；〃　said　Phil　cruelly；　〃that　you　intended　to　marry　him

for　his　money；　and　then　your　better　self　rose　up　and　prevented　you。〃



〃I　DIDN'T。　　I　never　thought　about　his　money。　　Oh；　I　can't　explain

it　to　you　any　more　than　I　could　to　him。〃



〃Well；　I　certainly　think　you　have　treated　Roy　shamefully；〃　said　Phil

in　exasperation。　　〃He's　handsome　and　clever　and　rich　and　good。

What　more　do　you　want？〃



〃I　want　some　one　who　BELONGS　in　my　life。　　He　doesn't。　　I　was

swept　off　my　feet　at　first　by　his　good　looks　and　knack　of　paying

romantic　compliments；　and　later　on　I　thought　I　MUST　be　in　love

because　he　was　my　dark…eyed　ideal。〃



〃I　am　bad　enough　for　not　knowing　my　own　mind；　but　you　are　worse；〃

said　Phil。



〃_I_　DO　know　my　own　mind；〃　protested　Anne。　　〃The　trouble　is；　my　mind

changes　and　then　I　have　to　get　acquainted　with　it　all　over　again。〃



〃Well；　I　suppose　there　is　no　use　in　saying　anything　to　you。〃



〃There　is　no　need；　Phil。　　I'm　in　the　dust。　　This　has　spoiled

everything　backwards。　　I　can　never　think　of　Redmond　days　without

recalling　the　humiliation　of　this　evening。　　Roy　despises　me　

and　you　despise　me　　and　I　despise　myself。〃



〃You　poor　darling；〃　said　Phil；　melting。　　〃Just　come　here　and　let

me　comfort　you。　　I've　no　right　to　scold　you。　　I'd　have　married

Alec　or　Alonzo　if　I　hadn't　met　Jo。　　Oh；　Anne；　things　are　so

mixed…up　in　real　life。　　They　aren't　clear…cut　and　trimmed　off；

as　they　are　in　novels。〃



〃I　hope　that　NO　one　will　ever　again　ask　me　to　marry　him　as　long　as

I　live；〃　sobbed　poor　Anne；　devoutly　believing　that　she　meant　it。









Chapter　XXXIX



Deals　with　Weddings





Anne　felt　that　life　partook　of　the　nature　of　an　anticlimax　during

the　first　few　weeks　after　her　return　to　Green　Gables。　　She　missed

the　merry　comradeship　of　Patty's　Place。　　She　had　dreamed　some

brilliant　dreams　during　the　past　winter　and　now　they　lay　in　the

dust　around　her。　　In　her　present　mood　of　self…disgust；　she　could

not　immediately　begin　dreaming　again。　　And　she　discovered　that；

while　solitude　with　dreams　is　glorious；　solitude　without　them

has　few　charms。



She　had　not　seen　Roy　again　after　their　painful　parting　in　the

park　pavilion；　but　Dorothy　came　to　see　her　before　she　left　Kingsport。



〃I'm　awfully　sorry　you　won't　marry　Roy；〃　she　said。　　〃I　did　want　you

for　a　sister。　　But　you　are　quite　right。　　He　would　bore　you　to　death。

I　love　him；　and　he　is　a　dear　sweet　boy；　but　really　he　isn't　a　bit

interesting。　　He　looks　as　if　he　ought　to　be；　but　he　isn't。〃



〃This　won't　spoil　OUR　friendship；　will　it；　Dorothy？〃　Anne　had

asked　wistfully。



〃No；　indeed。　　You're　too　good　to　lose。　　If　I　can't　have　you　for　a

sister　I　mean　to　keep　you　as　a　chum　anyway。　　And　don't　fret　over

Roy。　　He　is　feeling　terribly　just　now　　I　have　to　listen　to　his

outpourings　every　day　　but　he'll　get　over　it。　　He　always　does。〃



〃Oh　　ALWAYS？〃　said　Anne　with　a　slight　change　of　voice。

〃So　he　has　‘got　over　it'　before？〃



〃Dear　me；　yes；〃　said　Dorothy　frankly。　　〃Twice　before。　　And　he

raved　to　me　just　the　same　both　times。　　Not　that　the　others

actually　refused　him　　they　simply　announced　their　engagements

to　some　one　else。　　Of　course；　when　he　met　you　he　vowed　to　me　that

he　had　never　really　loved　before　　that　the　previous　affairs　had

been　merely　boyish　fancies。　　But　I　don't　think　you　need　worry。〃



Anne　decided　not　to　worry。　　Her　feelings　were　a　mixture　of　relief

and　resentment。　　Roy　had　certainly　told　her　she　was　the　only　one

he　had　ever　loved。　　No　doubt　he　believed　it。　　But　it　was　a　comfort

to　feel　that　she　had　not；　in　all　likelihood；　ruined　his　life。

There　were　other　goddesses；　and　Roy；　according　to　Dorothy；　must

needs　be　worshipping　at　some　shrine。　　Nevertheless；　life　was

stripped　of　several　more　illusions；　and　Anne　began　to　think

drearily　that　it　seemed　rather　bare。



She　came　down　from　the　porch　gable　on　the　evening　of　her　return

with　a　sorrowful　face。



〃What　has　happened　to　the　old　Snow　Queen；　Marilla？〃



〃Oh；　I　knew　you'd　feel　bad　over　that；〃　said　Marilla。　　〃I　felt　bad　myself。

That　tree　was　there　ever　since　I　was　a　young　girl。　　It　blew　down　in　the

big　gale　we　had　in　March。　　It　was　rotten　at　the　core。〃



〃I'll　miss　it　so；〃　grieved　Anne。　　〃The　porch　gable　doesn't　seem

the　same　room　without　it。　　I'll　never　look　from　its　window　again

without　a　sense　of　loss。　　And　oh；　I　never　came　home　to　Green　Gables

before　that　Diana　wasn't　here　to　welcome　me。〃



〃Diana　has　something　else　to　think　of　just　now；〃　said　Mrs。　Lynde

significantly。



〃Well；　tell　me　all　the　Avonlea　news；〃　said　Anne；　sitting　down　on

the　porch　steps；　where　the　evening　sunshine　fell　over　her　hair

in　a　fine　golden　rain。



〃There　isn't　much　news　except　what　we've　wrote　you；〃　said　Mrs。　Lynde。

〃I　suppose　you　haven't　heard　that　Simon　Fletcher　broke　his　leg　last　week。

It's　a　great　thing　for　his　family。　　They're　getting　a　hundred　things　done

that　they've　always　wanted　to　do　but　couldn't　as　long　as　he　was　about；

the　old　crank。〃



〃He　came　of　an　aggravating　family；〃　remarked　Marilla。



〃Aggravating？　　Well；　rather！　　His　mother　used　to　get　up　in

prayer…meeting　and　tell　all　her　children's　shortcomings　and　ask

prayers　for　them。　　‘Course　it　made　them　mad；　and　worse　than　ever。〃



〃You　haven't　told　Anne　the　news　ab