considerable doubt whether the child would survive to bear any
name at all； in which case it is somewhat more than probable that
these memoirs would never have appeared； or； if they had； that
being comprised within a couple of pages； they would have
possessed the inestimable merit of being the most concise and
faithful specimen of biography； extant in the literature of any age
or country。
Although I am not disposed to maintain that the being born in a
workhouse； is in itself the most fortunate and enviable
circumstance that can possibly befall a human being； I do mean to
say that in this particular instance； it was the best thing for Oliver
Twist that could by possibility have occurred。 The fact is； that
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Oliver Twist
there was considerable difficulty in inducing Oliver to take upon
himself the office of respiration—a troublesome practice； but one
which custom has rendered necessary to our easy existence； and
for some time he lay gasping on a little flock mattress； rather
unequally poised between this world and the next： the balance
being decidedly in favour of the latter。 Now； if； during this brief
period； Oliver had been surrounded by careful grandmothers；
anxious aunts； experienced nurses； and doctors of profound
wisdom； he would most inevitably and indubitably have been
killed in no time。 There being nobody by； however； but a pauper
old woman； who was rendered rather misty by an unwonted
allowance of beer； and a parish surgeon who did such matters by
contract； Oliver and Nature fought out the point between them。
The result was； that； after a few struggles； Oliver breathed；
sneezed； and proceeded to advertise to the inmates of the
workhouse the fact of a new burden having been imposed upon
the parish； by setting up as loud a cry as could reasonably have
been expected from a male infant who had not been possessed of
that very useful appendage； a voice； for a much longer space of
time than three minutes and a quarter。
As Oliver gave this first proof of the free and proper action of
his lungs； the patchwork coverlet which was carelessly flung over
the iron bedstead rustled； the pale face of a young woman was
raised feebly from the pillow； and a faint voice imperfectly
articulated the words； “Let me see the child； and die。”
The surgeon had been sitting with his face turned towards the
fire； giving the palms of his hands a warm and a rub alternately。
As the young woman spoke； he rose； and advancing to the bed’s
head； said； with more kindness than might have been expected of
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him：
“Oh； you must not talk about dying yet。”
“Lor bless her dear heart； no！” interposed the nurse； hastily
depositing in her pocket a green glass bottle； the contents of which
she had been tasting in a corner with evident satisfaction。 “Lor
bless her dear heart； when she has lived as long as I have； sir； and
had thirteen children of her own； and all on ’em dead except two；
and them in the wurkus with me； she’ll know better than to take
on in that way； bless her dear heart！ Think what it is to be a
mother； there’s a dear young lamb； do。”
Apparently this consolatory perspective of a mother’s prospects
failed in producing its due effect。 The patient shook her head； and
stretched out her hand towards the child。
The surgeon deposited it in her arms。 She imprinted her cold
white lips passionately on its forehead； passed her hands over her
face； gazed wildly round； shuddered； fell back—and died。 They
chafed her breast； hands； and temples； but the blood had stopped
for ever。 They talked of hope and comfort。 They had been
strangers too long。
“It’s all over； Mrs。 Thingummy！” said the surgeon at last。
“Ah； poor dear； so it is！” said the nurse； picking up the cork of
the green bottle； which had fallen out on the pillow； as she stooped
to take up the child。 “Poor dear！”
“You needn’t mind sending up to me； if the child cries； nurse；”
said the surgeon； putting on his gloves with great deliberation。
“It’s very likely it will be troublesome。 Give it a little gruel if it is。”
He put on his hat； and； pausing by the bedside on his way to the
door； added； “She was a good…looking girl； too； where did she
come from？”
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Oliver Twist
“She was brought here last night；” replied the old woman； “by
the overseer’s order。 She was found lying in the street。 She had
walked some distance； for her shoes were worn to pieces； but
where she came from； or where she was going to； nobody knows。”
The surgeon leaned over the body； and raised the left hand。
“The old story；” he said； shaking his head： “no wedding ring； I see。
Ah！ Good…night！”
The medical gentleman walked away to dinner； and the nurse；
having once more applied herself to the green bottle； sat down on
a low chair before the fire； and proceeded to dress the infant。
What an excellent example of the power of dress young Oliver
Twist was I Wrapped in the blanket which had hitherto formed his
only covering； he might have been the child of a nobleman or a
beggar； it would have been hard for the haughtiest stranger to
have assigned him his proper station in society。 But now that he
was enveloped in the old calico robes which had grown yellow in
the same service； he was badged and ticketed； and fell into his
place at once—a parish child—the orphan of a workhouse—the
humble； half…starved drudge—to be cuffed and buffeted through
the world—despised by all； and pitied by none。
Oliver cried lustily。 If he could have known that he was an
orphan； left to the tender mercies of church…wardens and
overseers； perhaps he would have cried the louder。
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Oliver Twist
Chapter 2
Treats Of Oliver Twist’s Growth； Education； And
Board。
For the next eight or ten months； Oliver was the victim of a
systematic course of treachery and deception。 He was
brought up by hand。 The hungry and destitute situation of
the infant orphan was duly reported by the workhouse authorities
to the parish authorities。 The parish authorities inquired with
dignity of the workhouse authorities； whether there was no female
then domiciled in “the house” who was in a situation to impart to
Oliver Twist the consolation and nourishment of which he stood in
need。 The workhouse authorities replied with humility； that there
was not。 Upon this； the parish authorities magnanimously and
humanely resolved； that Oliver should be “farmed” or； in other
words； that he should be despatched to a branch workhouse some
three miles off； where twenty or thirty other juvenile offenders
against the poor…laws rolled about the floor all day； without the
inconvenience of too much food or too much clothing； under the
parental superintendence of an elderly female； who received the
culprits at and for the consideration of sevenpence…halfpenny per
small head per week。 Sevenpence…halfpenny’s worth per week is a
good round diet for a child； a great deal may be got for
sevenpence…halfpenny—quite enough to overload its stomach； and
make it uncomfortable。 The elderly female was a woman of
wisdom and experience； she knew what was good for children；
and she had a very accurate perception of what was good for
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herself。 So； she appropriated the greater part of the weekly
stipend to her own use； and consigned the rising parochial
generation to even a shorter allowance than was originally
provided for them。 Thereby finding in the lowest depth a deeper
still； and proving herself a very great experimental philosopher。
Everybody knows the story of another experimental
philosopher who had a great theory about a horse being able to
live without eating； and who demonstrated it so well； that he got
his own horse down to a straw a day； and would most
unquestionably have rendered him a very spirited and rampacious
animal on nothing at all； if he had not died； four and twenty hours
before he was to have had his first comfortable bait of air。
Unfortunately for the experimental philosophy of the female to
whose protecting care Oliver Twist was delivered over； a similar
result usually attended the operation of her system； for at the very
moment when a child had contrived to exist upon the smallest
possible portion of the weakest possible food； it did perversely
happen in eight and a half cases out of ten； either that it sickened
from want and cold； or fell into the fire from neglect； or got half…
smothered by accident； in any one of which cases； the miserable
little being； was usually summoned into another world； and there
gathered to the fathers it had never known in this。
Occasionally； when there was some more than usually
interesting inquest upon a parish child who had been overlooked
in turning up a bedstead； or inadvertently scalded to death when
there happened to be a washing—though the latter accident was
very scarce； anything approaching to a washing being of rare
occurrence in the farm—the jury would take it into their heads to
ask troublesome questions； or the parishioners would rebelliously
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affix their signatures to a remonstrance。 But these impertinences
were speedily checked by the evidence of the surgeon； and the
testimony of the beadle； the former of whom had always opened
the body and found nothing inside （which was very probable
indeed） and the latter of whom invariably swore whatever the
parish wanted； which was very self…devotional。 Besides； the Board
made periodical pilgrimages to the farm； and always sent the
beadle the day before； to say they were going。 The children were
neat and clean to behold； when they went； and what more would
the people have！
It cannot be expected that this system of farming would
produce any very extraordinary or luxuriant crop。 Oliver Twist’s
ninth birthday found him a pale； thin child； somewhat diminu