the turn of the screw- 第15部分

the　fullness　of　my　own　exposure。　　I　was　ready　to　know　the　very　worst

that　was　to　be　known。　　What　I　had　then　had　an　ugly　glimpse　of　was

that　my　eyes　might　be　sealed　just　while　theirs　were　most　opened。

Well；　my　eyes　WERE　sealed；　it　appeared；　at　present

a　consummation　for　which　it　seemed　blasphemous　not　to　thank　God。

There　was；　alas；　a　difficulty　about　that：　　I　would　have　thanked

him　with　all　my　soul　had　I　not　had　in　a　proportionate　measure　this

conviction　of　the　secret　of　my　pupils。



How　can　I　retrace　today　the　strange　steps　of　my　obsession？

There　were　times　of　our　being　together　when　I　would　have　been　ready

to　swear　that；　literally；　in　my　presence；　but　with　my　direct　sense

of　it　closed；　they　had　visitors　who　were　known　and　were　welcome。

Then　it　was　that；　had　I　not　been　deterred　by　the　very　chance　that

such　an　injury　might　prove　greater　than　the　injury　to　be　averted；

my　exultation　would　have　broken　out。　　〃They're　here；　they're　here；

you　little　wretches；〃　I　would　have　cried；　〃and　you　can't　deny　it　now！〃

The　little　wretches　denied　it　with　all　the　added　volume　of　their

sociability　and　their　tenderness；　in　just　the　crystal　depths　of　which

like　the　flash　of　a　fish　in　a　streamthe　mockery　of　their　advantage

peeped　up。　　The　shock；　in　truth；　had　sunk　into　me　still　deeper

than　I　knew　on　the　night　when；　looking　out　to　see　either　Quint

or　Miss　Jessel　under　the　stars；　I　had　beheld　the　boy　over　whose

rest　I　watched　and　who　had　immediately　brought　in　with　him

had　straightway；　there；　turned　it　on　methe　lovely　upward　look　with　which；

from　the　battlements　above　me；　the　hideous　apparition　of　Quint　had　played。

If　it　was　a　question　of　a　scare；　my　discovery　on　this　occasion

had　scared　me　more　than　any　other；　and　it　was　in　the　condition

of　nerves　produced　by　it　that　I　made　my　actual　inductions。

They　harassed　me　so　that　sometimes；　at　odd　moments；　I　shut　myself

up　audibly　to　rehearseit　was　at　once　a　fantastic　relief　and　a

renewed　despairthe　manner　in　which　I　might　come　to　the　point。

I　approached　it　from　one　side　and　the　other　while；　in　my　room；

I　flung　myself　about；　but　I　always　broke　down　in　the　monstrous

utterance　of　names。　　As　they　died　away　on　my　lips；　I　said　to　myself

that　I　should　indeed　help　them　to　represent　something　infamous；

if；　by　pronouncing　them；　I　should　violate　as　rare　a　little　case

of　instinctive　delicacy　as　any　schoolroom；　probably；　had　ever　known。

When　I　said　to　myself：　　〃THEY　have　the　manners　to　be　silent；

and　you；　trusted　as　you　are；　the　baseness　to　speak！〃

I　felt　myself　crimson　and　I　covered　my　face　with　my　hands。

After　these　secret　scenes　I　chattered　more　than　ever；　going　on

volubly　enough　till　one　of　our　prodigious；　palpable　hushes　occurred

I　can　call　them　nothing　elsethe　strange；　dizzy　lift　or　swim

（I　try　for　terms！）　into　a　stillness；　a　pause　of　all　life；　that　had

nothing　to　do　with　the　more　or　less　noise　that　at　the　moment　we

might　be　engaged　in　making　and　that　I　could　hear　through　any　deepened

exhilaration　or　quickened　recitation　or　louder　strum　of　the　piano。

Then　it　was　that　the　others；　the　outsiders；　were　there。

Though　they　were　not　angels；　they　〃passed；〃　as　the　French　say；

causing　me；　while　they　stayed；　to　tremble　with　the　fear　of　their

addressing　to　their　younger　victims　some　yet　more　infernal　message

or　more　vivid　image　than　they　had　thought　good　enough　for　myself。



What　it　was　most　impossible　to　get　rid　of　was　the　cruel　idea　that；

whatever　I　had　seen；　Miles　and　Flora　saw　MOREthings　terrible

and　unguessable　and　that　sprang　from　dreadful　passages　of　intercourse

in　the　past。　　Such　things　naturally　left　on　the　surface；

for　the　time；　a　chill　which　we　vociferously　denied　that　we　felt；

and　we　had；　all　three；　with　repetition；　got　into　such　splendid

training　that　we　went；　each　time；　almost　automatically；　to　mark

the　close　of　the　incident；　through　the　very　same　movements。

It　was　striking　of　the　children；　at　all　events；　to　kiss　me　inveterately

with　a　kind　of　wild　irrelevance　and　never　to　failone　or　the　other

of　the　precious　question　that　had　helped　us　through　many　a　peril。

〃When　do　you　think　he　WILL　come？　　Don't　you　think　we　OUGHT

to　write？〃there　was　nothing　like　that　inquiry；　we　found

by　experience；　for　carrying　off　an　awkwardness。　　〃He〃　of　course

was　their　uncle　in　Harley　Street；　and　we　lived　in　much　profusion

of　theory　that　he　might　at　any　moment　arrive　to　mingle　in　our　circle。

It　was　impossible　to　have　given　less　encouragement　than　he　had　done

to　such　a　doctrine；　but　if　we　had　not　had　the　doctrine　to　fall　back　upon

we　should　have　deprived　each　other　of　some　of　our　finest　exhibitions。

He　never　wrote　to　themthat　may　have　been　selfish；　but　it　was　a　part

of　the　flattery　of　his　trust　of　me；　for　the　way　in　which　a　man

pays　his　highest　tribute　to　a　woman　is　apt　to　be　but　by　the　more

festal　celebration　of　one　of　the　sacred　laws　of　his　comfort；

and　I　held　that　I　carried　out　the　spirit　of　the　pledge　given　not

to　appeal　to　him　when　I　let　my　charges　understand　that　their　own

letters　were　but　charming　literary　exercises。　　They　were　too　beautiful

to　be　posted；　I　kept　them　myself；　I　have　them　all　to　this　hour。

This　was　a　rule　indeed　which　only　added　to　the　satiric　effect　of　my　being

plied　with　the　supposition　that　he　might　at　any　moment　be　among　us。

It　was　exactly　as　if　my　charges　knew　how　almost　more　awkward

than　anything　else　that　might　be　for　me。　　There　appears　to　me；

moreover；　as　I　look　back；　no　note　in　all　this　more　extraordinary

than　the　mere　fact　that；　in　spite　of　my　tension　and　of　their　triumph；

I　never　lost　patience　with　them。　　Adorable　they　must　in　truth

have　been；　I　now　reflect；　that　I　didn't　in　these　days　hate　them！

Would　exasperation；　however；　if　relief　had　longer　been　postponed；

finally　have　betrayed　me？　　It　little　matters；　for　relief　arrived。

I　call　it　relief；　though　it　was　only　the　relief　that　a　snap　brings

to　a　strain　or　the　burst　of　a　thunderstorm　to　a　day　of　suffocation。

It　was　at　least　change；　and　it　came　with　a　rush。







　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　XIV





Walking　to　church　a　certain　Sunday　morning；　I　had　little　Miles　at　my　side

and　his　sister；　in　advance　of　us　and　at　Mrs。　Grose's；　well　in　sight。

It　was　a　crisp；　clear　day；　the　first　of　its　order　for　some　time；

the　night　had　brought　a　touch　of　frost；　and　the　autumn　air；　bright　and　sharp；

made　the　church　bells　almost　gay。　　It　was　an　odd　accident　of　thought

that　I　should　have　happened　at　such　a　moment　to　be　particularly

and　very　gratefully　struck　with　the　obedience　of　my　little　charges。

Why　did　they　never　resent　my　inexorable；　my　perpetual　society？

Something　or　other　had　brought　nearer　home　to　me　that　I　had　all　but　pinned

the　boy　to　my　shawl　and　that；　in　the　way　our　companions　were　marshaled

before　me；　I　might　have　appeared　to　provide　against　some　danger　of　rebellion。

I　was　like　a　gaoler　with　an　eye　to　possible　surprises　and　escapes。

But　all　this　belongedI　mean　their　magnificent　little　surrender

just　to　the　special　array　of　the　facts　that　were　most　abysmal。

Turned　out　for　Sunday　by　his　uncle's　tailor；　who　had　had　a　free

hand　and　a　notion　of　pretty　waistcoats　and　of　his　grand　little　air；

Miles's　whole　title　to　independence；　the　rights　of　his　sex　and　situation；

were　so　stamped　upon　him　that　if　he　had　suddenly　struck　for　freedom

I　should　have　had　nothing　to　say。　　I　was　by　the　strangest　of　chances

wondering　how　I　should　meet　him　when　the　revolution　unmistakably　occurred。

I　call　it　a　revolution　because　I　now　see　how；　with　the　word　he　spoke；

the　curtain　rose　on　the　last　act　of　my　dreadful　drama；　and　the　catastrophe

was　precipitated。　　〃Look　here；　my　dear；　you　know；〃　he　charmingly　said；

〃when　in　the　world；　please；　am　I　going　back　to　school？〃



Transcribed　here　the　speech　sounds　harmless　enough；

particularly　as　uttered　in　the　sweet；　high；　casual　pipe　with　which；

at　all　interlocutors；　but　above　all　at　his　eternal　governess；

he　threw　off　intonations　as　if　he　were　tossing　roses。

There　was　something　in　them　that　always　made　one　〃catch；〃　and

I　caught；　at　any　rate；　now　so　effectually　that　I　stopped　as　short

as　if　one　of　the　trees　of　the　park　had　fallen　across　the　road。

There　was　something　new；　on　the　spot；　between　us；　and　he　was

perfectly　aware　that　I　recognized　it；　though；　to　enable　me　to　do　so；

he　had　no　need　to　look　a　whit　less　candid　and　charming　than　usual。

I　could　feel　in　him　how　he　already；　from　my　at　first　finding

nothing　to　reply；　perceived　the　advantage　he　had　gained。

I　was　so　slow　to　find　anything　that　he　had　plenty　of　time；

after　a　minute；　to　continue　with　his　suggestive　but　inconclusive　smile：

〃You　know；　my　dear；　that　for　a　fellow　to　be　with　a　lady　ALWAYS！〃

His　〃my　dear〃　was　constantly　on　his　lips　for　me；　and　nothing

could　have　expressed　more　the　exact　shade　of　the　sentiment　with

which　I　desired　to　inspire　my　pupils　than　its　fond　familiarity。

It　was　so　respectfully　easy。



But；　oh；　how　I　felt　that　at　present　I　must　pick　my　own　phrases！

I　remember　that；　to　gain　time；　I　tried　to　laugh；　and　I　seemed　to　see　in

the　beautiful　face　with　which　he　watched　me　how　ugly　and　queer　I　looked。

〃And　always　with　the　same　lady？〃　　I　returned。



He　neither　blanched　nor　winked。　　The　whole　thing　was　virtually　out

between　us。　　〃Ah；　of　course；　she's　a　jolly；　‘perfect'　lady；　but；　after　all；

I'm　a　fellow；　don't　you　see？　that'swell；　getting　on。〃



I　lingered　there　with　him　an　instant　ever　so　kindly。

〃Yes；　you're　getting　on。〃　　Oh；　but　I　felt　helpless！



I　have　kept　to　this　day　the　heartbreaking　little　idea

of　how　he　seemed　to　know　that　and　to　play　with　it。

〃And　you　can't　say　I've　not　been　awfully　good；　can　you？〃



I　laid　my　hand　on　his　shoulder；　for；　though　I　felt　how　much

better　it　would　have　been　to　walk　on；　I　was　not　yet　quite　able。

〃No；　I　can't　say　that；　Miles。〃



〃Except　just　that　one　night；　you　know！〃



〃That　one　night？〃　　I　couldn't　look　as　straight　as　he。



〃Why；　when　I　went　downwent　out　of　the　house。〃



〃Oh；　yes。　　But　I　f