you that much that takes place here; even among those who can afford
long finger…nails; would not be tolerated in Yuen…ping; and in order
to avoid the suspicion that I am suffering from a serious injury to
the head; or have become a prey to a conflicting demon; it will be
necessary to continue an even more highly…sustained tolerant
alertness。 This person himself has frequently suffered the ill effects
of rashly assuming that because he is conducting the adventure in a
prepossessing spirit his efforts will be honourably received; as when
he courteously inquired the ages of a company of maidens into whose
presence he was led; and complimented the one whom he was desirous of
especially gratifying by assuring her that she had every appearance of
being at least twice the nine…and…twenty years to which she modestly
laid claim。
Upon another occasion I entered a barber's stall; and finding it
oppressively hot within; I commanded the attendant to carry a
reclining stool into the street and there shave my lower limbs and
anoint my head。 As he hesitated to obeydoubtless on account of the
trivial labour involvedI repeated my words in a tone of fuller
authority; holding out the inducement of a just payment when he
complied; and assuring him that he would certainly be dragged before
the nearest mandarin and tortured if he held his joints stiffly。 At
this he evidently understood his danger; for obsequiously protesting
that he was only a barber of very mean attainments; and that his
deformed utensils were quite inadequate for the case; he very
courteously directed me in inquire for a public chariot bound for a
quarter called Colney Hatch (the place of commerce; it is reasonable
to infer; of the higher class barbers); and; seating myself in it;
instruct the attendant to put me down at the large gates; where they
possessed every requisite appliance; and also would; if desirable;
shave my head also。 Here the incident assumes a more doubtful guise;
for; notwithstanding the admitted politeness of the one who spoke;
each of those to whom I subsequently addressed myself on the subject;
presented to me a face quite devoid of encouragement。 While none
actually pointed out the vehicle I sought; many passed on in a state
of inward contemplation without replying; and somechiefly the
attendants of other chariots of a similar kindreplied in what I
deemed to be a spirit of elusive metaphor; as he who asserted that
such a conveyance must be sought for at a point known intimately as
the Aldgate Pump; whence it started daily at half…past the thirteenth
gong…stroke; and another; who maintained that I had no prospect of
reaching the desired spot until I secured the services of one of a
class of female attendants who wear flowing blue robes in order to
indicate that they are prepared to encounter and vanquish any
emergency in life。 To make no elaborate pretence in the matter this
person may definitely admit that he never did reach the place in
question; norin spite of a diligent search in which he has
encountered much obloquyhas he yet found any barber sufficiently
well equipped to undertake the detail。
Even more recently I suffered the unmerited rebuke of the superficial
through performing an act of deferential politeness。 Learning that the
enlightened and magnanimous sovereign of this country was setting out
on a journey I stationed myself in the forefront of those who stood
before his palace; intending to watch such parts of the procession as
might be fitly witnessed by one of my condition。 When these had
passed; and the chariot of the greatest approached; I respectfully
turned my back to the road with a propitiatory gesture; as of one who
did not deem himself worthy even to look upon a being of such majestic
rank and acknowledged excellence。 This delicate action; by some
incredible process of mental obliquity; was held by those around to be
a deliberate insult; if not even a preconcerted signal; of open
treachery; and had not a heaven…sent breeze at that moment carried the
hat of a very dignified bystander into the upper branches of an
opportune tree; and successfully turned aside the attention of the
assembly into a most immoderate exhibition of utter loss of gravity; I
should undoubtedly have been publicly tortured; if not actually torn
to pieces。
But the incident first alluded to was of an even more
elaborately…contrived density than these; and some of the details are
still unrolled before the keenest edge of this one's inner perception。
Nevertheless; all is now set down in unbroken exactness for your
impartial judgment。
At the time of this exploit I had only ventured out on a few
occasions; and then; save those recorded; to no considerable extent;
for it had already become obvious that the enterprises in which I
persistently became involved never contributed to my material
prosperity; and the disappointment of finding that even when I could
remember nine words of a sentence in their language none of the
barbarians could understand even so much as a tenth of my own; further
cast down my enthusiasm。
On the day which has been the object of this person's narration from
the first; he set out to become more fully instructed in the subjects
already indicated; and proceeding in a direction of which he had no
actual knowledge; he soon found himself in a populous and degraded
quarter of the city。 Presently; to his reasonable astonishment; he saw
before him at a point where two ill…constructed thoroughfares met; a
spacious and important building; many…storied in height; ornamented
with a profusion of gold and crystal; marble and precious stones; and
displaying from a tall pole the three…hued emblem of undeniable
authority。 A never…ending stream of people passed in and out by the
numerous doors; the strains of expertly wielded instruments could be
distinctly heard inside; and the warm odour of a most prepossessing
spiced incense permeated the surroundings。 〃Assuredly;〃 thought the
person who is now recording the incident; 〃this is one of the Temples
of barbarian worship〃; and to set all further doubt at rest he saw in
letters of gilt splendour a variety of praiseworthy and appropriate
inscriptions; among which he read and understood; 〃Excellent;〃 〃Fine
Old;〃 〃Well Matured;〃 〃Spirits only of the choicest quality within;〃
together with many other invocations from which he could not wrest the
hidden significance; as 〃Old Vatted;〃 〃Barclay's Entire;〃 〃An Ordinary
at One;〃 and the like。
By this time an impressive gathering had drawn around; and from its
manner of behaving conveyed the suspicion that an entertainment or
manifestation of some kind was confidently awaited。 To disperse so
outrageous a misconception this person was on the point of withdrawing
himself when he chanced to see; over the principal door of the Temple;
a solid gold figure of colossal magnitude; represented as crowned with
leaves and tendrils; and holding in his outstretched hands a gigantic;
and doubtless symbolic; bunch of grapes。 〃This;〃 I said to myself; 〃is
evidently the tutelary deity of the place; so displayed to receive the
worship of the passer…by。〃 With the discovery a thought of the most
irreproachable benevolence possessed me。 〃Why should not this person;〃
I reflected; 〃gain the unstinted approbation of those barbarians〃
(who by this time completely encircled me in) 〃by doing obeisance
towards their deity; and by the same act delicately and inoffensively
rebuke them for their own too…frequent intolerable attitude towards
the susceptibilities of others? As an unprejudiced follower; in his
own land; of the systems of Confucius; Lao…tse; and Buddha; this
person already recognises the claims of seventeen thousand nine
hundred and thirty…three deities of various grades; so that the
addition of one more to that number can be a heresy of very trivial
expiation。〃 Inspired by these honourable sentiments; therefore; I at
once prostrated myself on the ground; and; amid a silence of really
illimitable expectation; I began to kow…tow repeatedly with
ceremonious precision。
At this display of charitable broadmindedness an approving shout went
up on all sides。 Thus encouraged I proceeded to kow…tow with even more
unceasing assiduousness; and presently words of definite encouragement
mingled with the shout。 〃Do not flag in your amiable
disinterestedness; Kong Ho;〃 I whispered in my ear; 〃and out of your
well…sustained endurance may perchance arise a cordial understanding;
and ultimately a remunerative alliance between two distinguished
nations。〃 Filled with this patriotic hope I did not suffer my neck to
stiffen; and doubtless I would have continued the undertaking as long
as the sympathetic persons who hemmed me in signified their refined
approval; when suddenly the cry was raised; 〃Look out; here comes the
coppers!〃
This; O my venerable…headed father; I at once guessed to be the
announcement heralding the collecting…bowl which some over…zealous
bystander was preparing to pass round on my behalf; doubtless under
the impressionso obtuse in grasping the true relationship of events
are many of the barbariansthat I was a wandering monk; displaying my
reverence for the purpose of mendicancy。 Not wishing to profit by this
offensive misapprehension; I was preparing to rise; when a han
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