a face illumined- 第51部分

family　misunderstand　and　are　wronging　her；　and　I　may　have　occasion

to　go　down　on　my　knees　myself；　metaphorically；　and　ask　her　pardon

for　my　superior　airs。〃



These　and　kindred　other　thoughts　passed　through　his　mind　as　he

slowly　paced　up　and　down　a　side　piazza　which　he　often　sought　when

he　wished　to　be　alone。　　Stanton；　having　lost　Miss　Burton　for　the

evening；　soon　joined　him；　and　threw　himself　dejectedly　into　a　chair。



〃Van；〃　he　said；　〃I　used　to　be　rather　self…complacent。　　I　thought

I　had　learned　to　take　life　so　philosophically　that　I　should　have　a

good　time　as　long　as　my　health　lasted。　　But　to…night　I　feel　as　if

life　were　a　horribly　heavy　burden　which　I；　an　overladen　jackass；

must　carry　for　many　a　weary　day。　　How　little　we　know　what　we　are

and　what　is　before　us！　　I've　been　a　fool；　I　am　a　fool！〃



〃Well；　Ik；〃　replied　Van　Berg　with　a　shrug；　〃I　imagine　there　is　a

pair　of　us。　　My　reasonall　that's　decent　in　merefuses　to　regard

Sibley　as　the　cause　of　your　cousin's　most　evident　distress。　　For

heaven's　sake　don't　confirm　your　words　of　this　afternoon；　or　I　shall

feel　like　taking　the　first　train；　in　order　to　escape　from　the　most

exasperating　paradox　that　ever　contradicted　a　man's　senses。〃



〃Van；　you　are　right。　　I　am　mortified　with　myself　beyond　measure；

and　I　am　bitterly　ashamed　that　my　aunt；　her　own　mother；　should

have　so　grossly　misjudged　her。　　Sibley；　no　doubt；　IS　the　occasion

of　her　trouble　in　part；　for　she　seems　fairly　to　writhe　under　the

false　position　in　which　he　has　placed　her　by　leading　every　one　to

associate　her　name　with　his；　but　I　now　believe　that　she　loathes

and　detests　him　more　than　you　or　I　can。　　Certainly　no　woman　could

speak　of　a　man　in　harsher　or　more　scathing　terms　than　she　spoke

of　him　to…night。　　Well；　to　sum　up　the　whole　miserable　trough；　by

taking　her　mother's　view　for　granted；　I　made　such　a　mess　of　it　that

I　doubt　if　she　ever　speaks　civilly　to　either　of　us　again。〃



〃Why！　was　my　name　mentioned？〃　asked　Van　Berg；　quickly。



〃Yes；　confound　it　all！　　When　things　are　going　wrong　there　is　a

miserable　fatality　about　them；　and　the　worst　always　happens。　　She

asked　me　point…blank　if　you　shared　my　estimate　of　her；　and　I　suppose

got　the　impression　you　did。〃



〃Well　really；　Stanton；〃　said　Van　Berg；　with　some　irritation；　〃I

think　you　must　have　been　unfortunate　in　your　language。〃



〃Worse　than　unfortunate。　　The　whole　blunder　is　unpardonable。

Still；　do　me　justice。　　I　could　not　answer　her　question　with　a　bold

lie。　　And　what　would　have　been　its　use？　　How　could　you　explain　your

bearing　towards　her　at　the　supper　table？　　Your　manner　would　have

frozen　Jezebel　herself。〃



〃I　was　an　infernal　fool；〃　groaned　Van　Berg。



〃It　is　due　to　us　both　that　I　should　say　I　told　her　you　had　tried

to　form　a　good　opinion　of　her；　and　very　reluctantly　received　the

view　her　mother　suggested。　　I　said；　in　effect；　you　wished　to　think

well　of　her；　although　she　had　treated　you　so　badly。〃



〃Treated　me　badly！　　I　have　treated　her　a　thousandfold　worse。　　She；

at　least；　has　never　insulted　me；　and　I　can　never　forgive　myself

for　the　insult　I　have　offered　her。



〃Well；　I　hope　to　find　her　in　the　mood　to　accept　an　apology　in　the

morning；〃　said　Stanton。



〃I'm　in　a　confoundedly　awkward　position　to　apologize；〃　growled

Van　Berg。　　〃Any　reference　to　such　an　affair　will　be　like　another

insult；〃　and　the　friends　parted　in　an　unsatisfactory　state　of　mind

towards　each　other；　and　especially　towards　themselves。



But　that　was　a　sad　and　memorable　night　to　Ida　Mayhew。　　She　felt

that　it　might　be　her　last　on　earth；　for　her　dark　purpose　was　rapidly

taking　definite　form。



she　was　passing　into　that　unhealthful　condition　of　mental　excitement；

in　which　the　salutary　restraints　of　the　physical　nature　lose　their

power。　　In　the　place　of　drowsiness　and　weariness；　she　began　to

experience　an　unnatural　exaltation　which　would　make　any　reckless

folly　possible；　if　it　took　the　guise　of　sublime　and　tragic　action。



Few　realize　to　what　degree　the　mind　can　become　warped　and　disordered；

even　with　a　brief　time；　by　trouble　and　the　violation　of　the　laws

of　health；　and　some；　by　education　and　temperament；　are　peculiarly

predisposed　to　abnormal　conditions。　　Science　has　taught　men　how

to　build　ships　with　water…tight　compartments；　so　that　if　disaster

crushes　in　on　one　side；　the　other　parts　may　save　from　sinking。

There　are　fortunate　people　who　are　built　on　the　same　safe　principle。

They　have　cultivated　minds；　and　varied　resources　in　artistic　and

scientific　pursuits。　　Above　all　else；　they　may　have　faith　in　God　and

a　better　life　to　come；　such　possessions　are　like　the　compartments

of　a　modern　ship。　　Few　disasters　can　destroy　them　all；　and　in　the

loss　of　one　or　more　the　soul　is　kept　afloat　by　the　others。



But　it　would　seem　that　poor　Ida's　character　had　been　constructed

with　fatal　simplicity；　and　when　the　cold　waves　of　trouble　rushed

in　there　was　nothing　to　prevent　her　from　sinking　beneath　them　like

a　stone。　　Her　mind　was　uncultivated；　and　art；　science；　literature

offered　her　as　yet　no　resources；　no　pursuits。　　She　had　a　woman's

heart　that　might　have　been　filled　with　sustaining　love；　but　in　its

place　had　come　a　sudden　and　icy　flood　of　disappointment　and　despair。

She　loved；　with　all　the　passion　and　simplicity　of　a　narrow；　yet

earnest　nature；　the　man　who　had　awakened　the　woman　within　her；

and　he；　she　believed；　would　never　give　her　aught　in　return；　save

contempt。　　She　naturally　thought　that　she　had　been　degraded　in　his

estimation　beyond　all　ordinary　means　of　redemption；　therefore；　in

her　desperation　and　despair；　she　was　ready　to　take　an　extraordinary

method　of　compelling　at　least　his　respect。



Moreover；　Ida　was　impatient　and　impetuous　by　nature。　　She　had　a

large　capacity　for　action；　but　little　for　endurance。　　It　would　be

almost　impossible　for　her　to　reach　woman's　loftiest　heroism；　and

sit　〃like　Patience　on　a　monument；　smiling　at　grief。〃　　It　would　be

her　disposition　rather　to　rush　forward；　and　dash　herself　against　an

adverse　fate；　meeting　it　even　more　than　half　way。　　All　the　influences

of　her　life　had　tended　to　develop　imperiousness；　willfulness；　and

now　her　impulse　was　to　enter　a　protest　against　her　hard　lot　that

was　as　passionate　and　reckless　as　it　was　impotent。



Apart　from　her　supreme　wish　to　fill　Van　Berg　with　regret；　and　awaken

in　him　something　like　respect；　the　thought　of　dragging　on　a　wretched

existence　through　the　indefinite　years　to　come　was　intolerable。　　The

color　had　utterly　faded　out　of　life；　and　left　it　bald　and　repulsive

to　the　last　degree。



Fashionable　dissipation　promised　her　nothing。　　She　had　often　tasted

this；　to　the　utmost　limit　of　propriety；　and　was　well　aware　that

the　gay　whirl　had　nothing　new　to　offer；　unless　she　plunged　into

the　mad　excitement　of　a　life　which　is　as　brief　as　it　is　vile。　　It

was　to　her　credit　that　death　seemed　preferable　to　this。　　It　was

largely　due　to　her　defective　training　and　limited　experience；　that

a　useful；　innocent　life；　even　though　it　promised　to　be　devoid　of

happiness；　was　so　utterly　repulsive　that　she　was　ready　to　throw　it

away　in　impatient　disgust。



As　yet　she　was　incapable　of　Jennie　Burton's　divine　philosophy

of　〃pleasing　not〃　herself。　　he　who　〃gave　his　life　for　others〃　was

but　a　name　at　the　pronunciation　of　which；　in　the　Service；　she　was

accustomed　to　bow　profoundly；　but　to　whom；　in　her　heart；　she　had

never　bowed　or　offered　a　genuine　prayer。　　Religion　seemed　to　her　a

sort　of　fashion　which　differed　with　the　tastes　of　different　people。

She　was　a　practical　atheist。



It　is　a　fearful　thing　to　permit　a　child　to　grow　up　ignorant　of　God；

and　of　the　sacred　principles　of　duty　which　should　be　inwrought　in

the　conscience；　and　enforced　by　the　most　vital　considerations　of

well…being；　both　for　this　world　and　the　world　to　come。



But　Ida　Mayhew　thought　not　of　God　or　duty；　but　only　of　her　thwarted；

unhappy　life；　from　which　she　shrank　weakly　and　selfishly；　assuring

herself　that　she　could　not　and　would　not　endure　it。　　In　her　father

she　saw　only　increasing　humiliation；　in　her　mother；　one　for　whom

she　had　but　little　affection　and　less　respect；　and　who　would　of

necessity　irritate　the　wounds　that　time　might　slowly　heal；　could　she

live　in　an　atmosphere　of　delicate；　unspoken　sympathy；　in　herself；

one　whom　she　now　believed　to　be　so　ignorant　and　faulty　that　the　man

she　loved　had　turned　away　in　disgust　on　finding　her　out。　　If　all

this　were　not　bad　enough；　unforeseen　and　unfortunate　circumstances；

even　more　than　her　own　folly；　had　brought　about　a　humiliation　from

which　she　felt　she　could　never　recover。　　In　her　blind；　desperate

effort　to　hide　her　passion　from　the　man　she　loved；　she　had　made　it

appear　that　she　was　infatuated　with　the　man　she　loathed；　and　who

had　shown　himself　such　a　contemptible　villain　that　her　association

with　him　was　the　scandal　of　the　house。　　If　her　own　mother　and

cousin　could　believe　that　she　was　ready　to　throw　herself　away　for

the　sake　of　such　a　wretch；　what　must　the　people　of　the　hotel　think？

What　kind　of　a　story　would　go　abroad　among　her　acquaintances　in

the　city？　　She　fairly　cringed　and　writhed　at　the　thought　of　it　all。



It　seemed　to　the　tortured　and　morbidly　excited　girl　that　there　was

but　one　way　out　of　her　troubles；　and　dark　and　dreadful　as　was　that

path；　she　thought　it　could　lead　to　nothing　so　painful　as　that　from

which　she　would　escape。



But　after　all；　her　chief　incentive　to　the　fatal　act　was　the　hope

of　securing　Van　Berg's　respect；　and　of　implanting　herself　in　his

heart　as　an　undying　memory；　even　though　a　sad　and　terrible　one。

With　her　ideas　of　the　fitness　of　things　this　would　be　a　strong

temptation　at　best；　but　the　present　conditions　of　her　life；　as　we

have　seen；　so　far　from　restraining；　added　greatly　to　the　temptation。



And；　as　has　been　said；　while　the　act　seemed　a　stern　and　dreadful

alternative　to　worse　evils；　it　was　not　revolting　to　her。　　She　had

seen　so　many　of　her