and beyond them a broad stretch of pine…wood。 Often I admire a boy and girl； both flaxen…headed and ragged； who clamber on the fence and laugh at my baldness。 In their shining little eyes I read； 〃Go up； go up； thou baldhead！〃 They are almost the only people who care nothing for my celebrity or my rank。
Visitors do not come to me every day now。 I will only mention the visits of Nikolay and Pyotr Ignatyevitch。 Nikolay usually comes to me on holidays； with some pretext of business； though really to see me。 He arrives very much exhilarated； a thing which never occurs to him in the winter。
〃What have you to tell me？〃 I ask； going out to him in the hall。
〃Your Excellency！〃 he says； pressing his hand to his heart and looking at me with the ecstasy of a lover 〃your Excellency！ God be my witness！ Strike me dead on the spot！ _Gaudeamus egitur juventus！_〃
And he greedily kisses me on the shoulder； on the sleeve； and on the buttons。
〃Is everything going well？〃 I ask him。
〃Your Excellency！ So help me God！ 。 。 。〃
He persists in grovelling before me for no sort of reason； and soon bores me； so I send him away to the kitchen； where they give him dinner。
Pyotr Ignatyevitch comes to see me on holidays； too； with the special object of seeing me and sharing his thoughts with me。 He usually sits down near my table； modest； neat； and reasonable； and does not venture to cross his legs or put his elbows on the table。 All the time； in a soft； even； little voice； in rounded bookish phrases； he tells me various； to his mind； very interesting and piquant items of news which he has read in the magazines and journals。 They are all alike and may be reduced to this type： 〃A Frenchman has made a discovery； some one else； a German； has denounced him； proving that the discovery was made in 1870 by some American； while a third person； also a German； trumps them both by proving they both had made fools of themselves； mistaking bubbles of air for dark pigment under the microscope。 Even when he wants to amuse me； Pyotr Ignatyevitch tells me things in the same lengthy； circumstantial manner as though he were defending a thesis； enumerating in detail the literary sources from which he is deriving his narrative； doing his utmost to be accurate as to the date and number of the journals and the name of every one concerned； invariably mentioning it in full Jean Jacques Petit； never simply Petit。 Sometimes he stays to dinner with us； and then during the whole of dinner…time he goes on telling me the same sort of piquant anecdotes； reducing every one at table to a state of dejected boredom。 If Gnekker and Liza begin talking before him of fugues and counterpoint； Brahms and Bach； he drops his eyes modestly； and is overcome with embarrassment； he is ashamed that such trivial subjects should be discussed before such serious people as him and me。
In my present state of mind five minutes of him is enough to sicken me as though I had been seeing and hearing him for an eternity。 I hate the poor fellow。 His soft； smooth voice and bookish language exhaust me； and his stories stupefy me。 。 。 。 He cherishes the best of feelings for me； and talks to me simply in order to give me pleasure； and I repay him by looking at him as though I wanted to hypnotize him； and think； 〃Go； go； go！ 。 。 。〃 But he is not amenable to thought…suggestion； and sits on and on and on。 。 。 。
While he is with me I can never shake off the thought； 〃It's possible when I die he will be appointed to succeed me；〃 and my poor lecture…hall presents itself to me as an oasis in which the spring is died up； and I am ungracious； silent； and surly with Pyotr Ignatyevitch； as though he were to blame for such thoughts； and not I myself。 When he begins； as usual； praising up the German savants； instead of making fun of him good…humouredly； as I used to do； I mutter sullenly：
〃Asses； your Germans！ 。 。 。〃
That is like the late Professor Nikita Krylov； who once； when he was bathing with Pirogov at Revel and vexed at the water's being very cold； burst out with； 〃Scoundrels； these Germans！〃 I behave badly with Pyotr Ignatyevitch； and only when he is going away； and from the window I catch a glimpse of his grey hat behind the garden…fence； I want to call out and say； 〃Forgive me； my dear fellow！〃
Dinner is even drearier than in the winter。 Gnekker； whom now I hate and despise； dines with us almost every day。 I used to endure his presence in silence； now I aim biting remarks at him which make my wife and daughter blush。 Carried away by evil feeling； I often say things that are simply stupid； and I don't know why I say them。 So on one occasion it happened that I stared a long time at Gnekker； and； _a propos_ of nothing； I fired off：
〃An eagle may perchance swoop down below a cock； But never will the fowl soar upwards to the clouds。 。
And the most vexatious thing is that the fowl Gnekker shows himself much cleverer than the eagle professor。 Knowing that my wife and daughter are on his side； he takes up the line of meeting my gibes with condescending silence； as though to say：
〃The old chap is in his dotage； what's the use of talking to him？〃
Or he makes fun of me good…naturedly。 It is wonderful how petty a man may become！ I am capable of dreaming all dinner…time of how Gnekker will turn out to be an adventurer； how my wife and Liza will come to see their mistake； and how I will taunt them and such absurd thoughts at the time when I am standing with one foot in th e grave！
There are now； too； misunderstandings of which in the old days I had no idea except from hearsay。 Though I am ashamed of it； I will describe one that occurred the other day after dinner。
I was sitting in my room smoking a pipe； my wife came in as usual； sat down； and began saying what a good thing it would be for me to go to Harkov now while it is warm and I have free time； and there find out what sort of person our Gnekker is。
〃Very good； I will go；〃 I assented。
My wife； pleased with me； got up and was going to the door； but turned back and said：
〃By the way； I have another favour to ask of you。 I know you will be angry； but it is my duty to warn you。 。 。 。 Forgive my saying it； Nikolay Stepanovitch； but all our neighbours and acquaintances have begun talking about your being so often at Katya's。 She is clever and well…educated； I don't deny that her company may be agreeable； but at your age and with your social position it seems strange that you should find pleasure in her society。 。 。 。 Besides； she has such a reputation that 。 。 。〃
All the blood suddenly rushed to my brain； my eyes flashed fire； I leaped up and； clutching at my head and stamping my feet； shouted in a voice unlike my own：
〃Let me alone！ let me alone！ let me alone！〃
Probably my face was terrible； my voice was strange； for my wife suddenly turned pale and began shrieking aloud in a despairing voice that was utterly unlike her own。 Liza； Gnekker； then Yegor； came running in at our shouts。 。 。 。
〃Let me alone！〃 I cried； 〃let me alone！ Go away！〃
My legs turned numb as though they had ceased to exist； I felt myself falling into someone's arms； for a little while I still heard weeping； then sank into a swoon which lasted two or three hours。
Now about Katya； she comes to see me every day towards evening； and of course neither the neighbours nor our acquaintances can avoid noticing it。 She comes in for a minute and carries me off for a drive with her。 She has her own horse and a new chaise bought this summer。 Altogether she lives in an expensive style； she has taken a big detached villa with a large garden； and has taken all her town retinue with her two maids； a coachman 。 。 。 I often ask her：
〃Katya； what will you live on when you have spent your father's money？〃
〃Then we shall see；〃 she answers。
〃That money； my dear； deserves to be treated more seriously。 It was earned by a good man； by honest labour。〃
〃You have told me that already。 I know it。〃
At first we drive through the open country； then through the pine…wood which is visible from my window。 Nature seems to me as beautiful as it always has been； though some evil spirit whispers to me that these pines and fir trees； birds； and white clouds on the sky； will not notice my absence when in three or four months I am dead。 Katya loves driving； and she is pleased that it is fine weather and that I am sitting beside her。 She is in good spirits and does not say harsh things。
〃You are a very good man； Nikolay Stepanovitch；〃 she says。 〃You are a rare specimen； and there isn't an actor who would understand how to play you。 Me or Mihail Fyodorovitch； for instance； any poor actor could do； but not you。 And I envy you； I envy you horribly！ Do you know what I stand for？ What？〃
She ponders for a minute； and then asks me：
〃Nikolay Stepanovitch； I am a negative phenomenon！ Yes？〃
〃Yes；〃 I answer。
〃H'm！ what am I to do？〃
What answer was I to make her？ It is easy to say 〃work；〃 or 〃give your possessions to the poor；〃 or 〃know yourself；〃 and because it is so easy to say that； I don't know what to answer。
My colleagues when they teach therapeutics advise 〃the individual study of each separate case。〃 One has but to obey this advice to gain the conviction that the methods recommended in the textbooks as the best and as providing a safe basis for treatment turn out to be quite unsuitable in individual cases。 It is just the same in moral ailments。
But I must make some answer； and I say：
〃You have too much free time； my dear； you absolutely must take up some occupation。 After all； why shouldn't you be an actress again if it is your vocation？〃
〃I cannot！〃
〃Your tone and manner suggest that you are a victim。 I don't like that； my dear； it is your own fault。 Remember； you began with falling out with people and methods； but you have done nothing to make either better。 You did not struggle with evil； but were cast down by it； and you are not the victim of the struggle； but of your own impotence。 Well； of course you were young and inexperienced then； now it may all be different。 Yes； really； go on the stage。 You will work； you will serve a sacred art。〃
〃Don't pretend； Nikolay Stepanovitch；〃 Katya interrupts me。 〃Let us make a compact once for all； we w