the wife and other stories- 第7部分

Any　one　who　has　lived　in　the　country　in　winter　and　knows　those　long　dreary；　still　evenings　when　even　the　dogs　are　too　bored　to　bark　and　even　the　clocks　seem　weary　of　ticking；　and　any　one　who　on　such　evenings　has　been　troubled　by　awakening　conscience　and　has　moved　restlessly　about；　trying　now　to　smother　his　conscience；　now　to　interpret　it；　will　understand　the　distraction　and　the　pleasure　my　wife's　voice　gave　me　as　it　sounded　in　the　snug　little　room；　telling　me　I　was　a　bad　man。　I　did　not　understand　what　was　wanted　of　me　by　my　conscience；　and　my　wife；　translating　it　in　her　feminine　way；　made　clear　to　me　in　the　meaning　of　my　agitation。　As　often　before　in　the　moments　of　intense　uneasiness；　I　guessed　that　the　whole　secret　lay；　not　in　the　starving　peasants；　but　in　my　not　being　the　sort　of　a　man　I　ought　to　be。

My　wife　got　up　with　an　effort　and　came　up　to　me。

〃Pavel　Andreitch；〃　she　said；　smiling　mournfully；　〃forgive　me；　I　don't　believe　you：　you　are　not　going　away；　but　I　will　ask　you　one　more　favour。　Call　this〃　　she　pointed　to　her　papers　　〃self…deception；　feminine　logic；　a　mistake；　as　you　like；　but　do　not　hinder　me。　It's　all　that　is　left　me　in　life。〃　She　turned　away　and　paused。　〃Before　this　I　had　nothing。　I　have　wasted　my　youth　in　fighting　with　you。　Now　I　have　caught　at　this　and　am　living；　I　am　happy。　。　。　。　It　seems　to　me　that　I　have　found　in　this　a　means　of　justifying　my　existence。〃

〃Natalie；　you　are　a　good　woman；　a　woman　of　ideas；〃　I　said；　looking　at　my　wife　enthusiastically；　and　everything　you　say　and　do　is　intelligent　and　fine。〃

I　walked　about　the　room　to　conceal　my　emotion。

〃Natalie；〃　I　went　on　a　minute　later；　〃before　I　go　away；　I　beg　of　you　as　a　special　favour；　help　me　to　do　something　for　the　starving　peasants！〃

〃What　can　I　do？〃　said　my　wife；　shrugging　her　shoulders。　〃Here's　the　subscription　list。〃

She　rummaged　among　the　papers　and　found　the　subscription　list。

〃Subscribe　some　money；〃　she　said；　and　from　her　tone　I　could　see　that　she　did　not　attach　great　importance　to　her　subscription　list；　〃that　is　the　only　way　in　which　you　can　take　part　in　the　work。〃

I　took　the　list　and　wrote：　〃Anonymous；　5；000。〃

In　this　〃anonymous〃　there　was　something　wrong；　false；　conceited；　but　I　only　realized　that　when　I　noticed　that　my　wife　flushed　very　red　and　hurriedly　thrust　the　list　into　the　heap　of　papers。　We　both　felt　ashamed；　I　felt　that　I　must　at　all　costs　efface　this　clumsiness　at　once；　or　else　I　should　feel　ashamed　afterwards；　in　the　train　and　at　Petersburg。　But　how　efface　it？　What　was　I　to　say？

〃I　fully　approve　of　what　you　are　doing；　Natalie；〃　I　said　genuinely；　〃and　I　wish　you　every　success。　But　allow　me　at　parting　to　give　you　one　piece　of　advice；　Natalie；　be　on　your　guard　with　Sobol；　and　with　your　assistants　generally；　and　don't　trust　them　blindly。　I　don't　say　they　are　not　honest；　but　they　are　not　gentlefolks；　they　are　people　with　no　ideas；　no　ideals；　no　faith；　with　no　aim　in　life；　no　definite　principles；　and　the　whole　object　of　their　life　is　comprised　in　the　rouble。　Rouble；　rouble；　rouble！〃　I　sighed。　〃They　are　fond　of　getting　money　easily；　for　nothing；　and　in　that　respect　the　better　educated　they　are　the　more　they　are　to　be　dreaded。〃

My　wife　went　to　the　couch　and　lay　down。

〃Ideas；〃　she　brought　out；　listlessly　and　reluctantly；　〃ideas；　ideals；　objects　of　life；　principles　。　。　。　。you　always　used　to　use　those　words　when　you　wanted　to　insult　or　humiliate　some　one；　or　say　something　unpleasant。　Yes；　that's　your　way：　if　with　your　views　and　such　an　attitude　to　people　you　are　allowed　to　take　part　in　anything；　you　would　destroy　it　from　the　first　day。　It's　time　you　understand　that。〃

She　sighed　and　paused。

〃It's　coarseness　of　character；　Pavel　Andreitch；〃　she　said。　〃You　are　well…bred　and　educated；　but　what　a　。　。　。　Scythian　you　are　in　reality！　That's　because　you　lead　a　cramped　life　full　of　hatred；　see　no　one；　and　read　nothing　but　your　engineering　books。　And；　you　know；　there　are　good　people；　good　books！　Yes　。　。　。　but　I　am　exhausted　and　it　wearies　me　to　talk。　I　ought　to　be　in　bed。〃

〃So　I　am　going　away；　Natalie；〃　I　said。

〃Yes　。　。　。　yes。　。　。　。　_Merci_。　。　。　。〃

I　stood　still　for　a　little　while；　then　went　upstairs。　An　hour　later　　it　was　half…past　one　　I　went　downstairs　again　with　a　candle　in　my　hand　to　speak　to　my　wife。　I　didn't　know　what　I　was　going　to　say　to　her；　but　I　felt　that　I　must　say　some　thing　very　important　and　necessary。　She　was　not　in　her　study；　the　door　leading　to　her　bedroom　was　closed。

〃Natalie；　are　you　asleep？〃　I　asked　softly。

There　was　no　answer。

I　stood　near　the　door；　sighed；　and　went　into　the　drawing…room。　There　I　sat　down　on　the　sofa；　put　out　the　candle；　and　remained　sitting　in　the　dark　till　the　dawn。

VI

I　went　to　the　station　at　ten　o'clock　in　the　morning。　There　was　no　frost；　but　snow　was　falling　in　big　wet　flakes　and　an　unpleasant　damp　wind　was　blowing。

We　passed　a　pond　and　then　a　birch　copse；　and　then　began　going　uphill　along　the　road　which　I　could　see　from　my　window。　I　turned　round　to　take　a　last　look　at　my　house；　but　I　could　see　nothing　for　the　snow。　Soon　afterwards　dark　huts　came　into　sight　ahead　of　us　as　in　a　fog。　It　was　Pestrovo。

〃If　I　ever　go　out　of　my　mind；　Pestrovo　will　be　the　cause　of　it；〃　I　thought。　〃It　persecutes　me。〃

We　came　out　into　the　village　street。　All　the　roofs　were　intact；　not　one　of　them　had　been　pulled　to　pieces；　so　my　bailiff　had　told　a　lie。　A　boy　was　pulling　along　a　little　girl　and　a　baby　in　a　sledge。　Another　boy　of　three；　with　his　head　wrapped　up　like　a　peasant　woman's　and　with　huge　mufflers　on　his　hands；　was　trying　to　catch　the　flying　snowflakes　on　his　tongue；　and　laughing。　Then　a　wagon　loaded　with　fagots　came　toward　us　and　a　peasant　walking　beside　it；　and　there　was　no　telling　whether　his　beard　was　white　or　whether　it　was　covered　with　snow。　He　recognized　my　coachman；　smiled　at　him　and　said　something；　and　mechanically　took　off　his　hat　to　me。　The　dogs　ran　out　of　the　yards　and　looked　inquisitively　at　my　horses。　Everything　was　quiet；　ordinary；　as　usual。　The　emigrants　had　returned；　there　was　no　bread；　in　the　huts　〃some　were　laughing；　some　were　delirious〃；　but　it　all　looked　so　ordinary　that　one　could　not　believe　it　really　was　so。　There　were　no　distracted　faces；　no　voices　whining　for　help；　no　weeping；　nor　abuse；　but　all　around　was　stillness；　order；　life；　children；　sledges；　dogs　with　dishevelled　tails。　Neither　the　children　nor　the　peasant　we　met　were　troubled；　why　was　I　so　troubled？

Looking　at　the　smiling　peasant；　at　the　boy　with　the　huge　mufflers；　at　the　huts；　remembering　my　wife；　I　realized　there　was　no　calamity　that　could　daunt　this　people；　I　felt　as　though　there　were　already　a　breath　of　victory　in　the　air。　I　felt　proud　and　felt　ready　to　cry　out　that　I　was　with　them　too；　but　the　horses　were　carrying　us　away　from　the　village　into　the　open　country；　the　snow　was　whirling；　the　wind　was　howling；　and　I　was　left　alone　with　my　thoughts。　Of　the　million　people　working　for　the　peasantry；　life　itself　had　cast　me　out　as　a　useless；　incompetent；　bad　man。　I　was　a　hindrance；　a　part　of　the　people's　calamity；　I　was　vanquished；　cast　out；　and　I　was　hurrying　to　the　station　to　go　away　and　hide　myself　in　Petersburg　in　a　hotel　in　Bolshaya　Morskaya。

An　hour　later　we　reached　the　station。　The　coachman　and　a　porter　with　a　disc　on　his　breast　carried　my　trunks　into　the　ladies'　room。　My　coachman　Nikanor；　wearing　high　felt　boots　and　the　skirt　of　his　coat　tucked　up　through　his　belt；　all　wet　with　the　snow　and　glad　I　was　going　away；　gave　me　a　friendly　smile　and　said：

〃A　fortunate　journey；　your　Excellency。　God　give　you　luck。〃

Every　one；　by　the　way；　calls　me　〃your　Excellency；〃　though　I　am　only　a　collegiate　councillor　and　a　kammer…junker。　The　porter　told　me　the　train　had　not　yet　left　the　next　station；　I　had　to　wait。　I　went　outside；　and　with　my　head　heavy　from　my　sleepless　night；　and　so　exhausted　I　could　hardly　move　my　legs；　I　walked　aimlessly　towards　the　pump。　There　was　not　a　soul　anywhere　near。

〃Why　am　I　going？〃　I　kept　asking　myself。　〃What　is　there　awaiting　me　there？　The　acquaintances　from　whom　I　have　come　away；　loneliness；　restaurant　dinners；　noise；　the　electric　light；　which　makes　my　eyes　ache。　Where　am　I　going；　and　what　am　I　going　for？　What　am　I　going　for？〃

And　it　seemed　somehow　strange　to　go　away　without　speaking　to　my　wife。　I　felt　that　I　was　leaving　her　in　uncertainty。　Going　away；　I　ought　to　have　told　that　she　was　right；　that　I　really　was　a　bad　man。

When　I　turned　away　from　the　pump；　I　saw　in　the　doorway　the　station…master；　of　whom　I　had　twice　made　complaints　to　his　superiors；　turning　up　the　collar　of　his　coat；　shrinking　from　the　wind　and　the　snow。　He　came　up　to　me；　and　putting　two　fingers　to　the　peak　of　his　cap；　told　me　with　an　expression　of　helpless　confusion；　strained　respectfulness；　and　hatred　on　his　face；　that　the　train　was　twenty　minutes　late；　and　asked　me　would　I　not　like　to　wait　in　the　warm？

〃Thank　you；〃　I　answered；　〃but　I　am　probably　not　going。　Send　word　to　my　coachman　to　wait；　I　have　not　made　up　my　mind。〃

I　walked　to　and　fro　on　the　platform　and　thought；　should　I　go　away　or　not？　When　the　train　came　in　I　decided　not　to　go。　At　home　I　had　to　expect　my　wife's　amazement　and　perhaps　her　mockery；　the　dismal　upper　storey　and　my　uneasiness；　but；　still；　at　my　age　that　was　easier　and　as　it　were　more　homelike　than　travelling　for　two　days　and　nights　with　strangers　to　Petersburg；　where　I　should　be　conscious　every　minute　that　my　life　was　of　no　use　to　any　one　or　to　anything；　and　that　it　was　approaching　its　end。　No；　better　at　home　whatever　awaited　me　there。　。　。　。　I　went　out　of　the　station。　It　was　awkward　by　daylight　to　return　home；　where　every　one　was　so　glad　at　my　going。　I　might　spend　the　rest　of　the　day　till　evening　at　some　neighbour's；　but　with　whom？　With　some　of　them　I　was　on　strained　relations；　others　I　did　not　know　at　all。　I　considered　and　thought　of　Ivan　Ivanitch。

〃We　are　going　to　Bragino！〃　I　said　to　the　coachman；　getting　into　the　sledge。

〃It's　a　long　way；〃　sighed　Nikanor；　〃it　will　be　twenty　miles；　or　maybe　twenty…five。〃

〃Oh；　please；　my　dear　fellow；〃　I　said　in　a　tone　as　though　Nikanor　had　the　right　to　refuse。　〃Please　let　us　go！〃

Nikanor　shook　his　head　doubtfully　and　said　slowly　that　we　really　ought　to　have　put　in　the　shafts；　not　Circassian；　but　Peasant　or　Siskin