f them by putting it on paper； only I am the blessedest creature in all the world； and I only hope to goodness it is not very wicked to be so happy as I am。〃
_〃Dec。 31st。_It is all settled。 Alfred returns to Oxford to make up for lost time； the time spent in construing me instead of Greek： and at the end of term he is to come of age and marrysomebody。 Marriage！ what a word to put down！ it makes me tingle； it thrills me； it frightens me deliciously： no； not deliciously； anything but： for suppose； being both of us fiery； and they all say one of them ought to be cold blooded for a pair to be happy； I should make him a downright bad wife。 Why then I hope I shall die in a year or two out of my darling's way； and let him have a good one instead。 I'd come back from the grave and tear her to pieces。
_〃Jan。 4th。_Found a saint in a garret over a stable。 Took her my luncheon clandestinely； that is lady…like for 'under my apron：' and was detected and expostulated by Ned。 He took me into his studioit is carpeted with shavingsand showed me the _'Tiser_ digest； an enormous book he has made of newspaper cuttings all in apple…pie order； and out of this authority he proved vice and poverty abound most wherever there are most charities。 Oh； 'and the poor' a set of intoxicated sneaks； and me a Demoralising Influence。 It is all very fine： but why are there saints in garrets； and half…starved？ That rouses all my evil passions； and I cannot bear it； it _is_ no use。
_〃Jan。 6th。_Once a gay day； but now a sad one。 Mamma gone to see poor papa； where he is。 Alfred found me sorrowful； and rested my forehead on his shoulder； that soothed me； while it lasted。 I think I should like to grow there。 Mem！ to burn this diary； and never let a creature see a syllable。
〃As soon as he was gone； prayed earnestly on my knees not to make an idol of him。 For it is our poor idols that are destroyed for our weakness。 Which really I cannot quite see the justice of。〃
_〃Jan。 8th。_Jane does not approve my proposal that we should praise now and then at the same hour instead of always praying。 The dear girl sends me her unconverted diary 'to show me she is 〃a brand。〃' I have read most of it。 But really it seems to me she was always goodish： only she went to parties； and read novels； and enjoyed society。
〃There； I have finished it。 Oh dear； how like her _un_converted diary is to my _con_verted one！〃
_〃Jan。 14th。_A sorrowful day： he and I parted； after a fortnight of the tenderest affection； and that mutual respect without which neither of us； I think； could love long。 I had resolved to be very brave； but we were alone； and his bright face looked so sad； the change in it took me by surprise； and my resolution failed； I clung to him。 If gentlemen could interpret； as we can； he would never have left me。 It is better as it is。 He kissed my tears away as fast as they came： it was the first time he had ever kissed more than my hand； so I shall have that to think of； and his dear promised letters： but it made me cry more at the time； of course。 Some day； when we have been married years and years； I shall tell him not to go and pay a lady for every tear； if he wants her to leave off。
〃The whole place so gloomy and vacant now。
_〃Jan。 20th。_Poverty stares us in the face。 Edward says we could make a modest living in London； and nobody be the wiser： but here we are known； and _'must_ be ladies and gentlemen； and fools；' he says。 He has now made me seriously promise not to give money and things out of the house to the poor： it is robbing my mother and him。 Ah； now I see it _is_ nonsense to despise money： here I come home sad from my poor people； and I used to return warm all over。 And the poor old souls do not enjoy my sermons half so much as when I gave them nice things to eat along with them。
〃The dear boy； that I always loved dearly； but _admire_ and love now that he has turned an intolerable tyrant and he used to be Wax； has put down two maids out of our three； and brings our dinner up himself in a jacket； then puts on his coat and sits down with us； and we sigh at him and he grins and derides us； he does not care one straw for Pomp。 And mamma and I have to dress one another now。 And I like it。〃
_〃Jan。 30th。_He says we may now； by great economy； subsist honestly till my wedding…day； but then mamma and he must _'absquatulate。'_ Oh； what stout hearts men have。 They can jest at sorrow even when； in spite of their great thick skins； they feel it。 Ah； the real poor are happy： they marry； and need not leave the parish where their mother lives。〃
_〃Feb。 4th。_A kind and most delicate letter from Jane。 She says； 'Papa and I are much grieved at Captain Dodd's affliction； and deeply concerned at your loss by the Bank。 Papa has asked Uncle Thomas for two hundred pounds； and I entreat you to oblige me by receiving it at my hands and applying it according to the dictates of your own affectionate heart。〃
〃Actually our Viceroy will not let me take it： he says he will not accept a crumb from the man who owes us a loaf。〃
_〃Feb。 8th。_Jane mortified； and no wonder。 If she knew how very poor we are； she would be surprised as well。 I have implored her not to take it to heart； for that all will be explained one day； and she will see we _could_ not。
〃His dear letters！ I feed on them。 We have no secrets； no two minds。 He is to be a first class and then a private tutor。 Our money is to go to mamma： it is he and I that are to work our fingers to the bone （I am so happy！）； and never let them be driven by injustice from their home。 But all this is a great secret。 The Viceroy will be defeated； only I let him talk till Alfred is here to back me。 No； it is _not_ just the rightful owner of fourteen thousand pounds should be poor。
〃How shallow female education is： I was always led to suppose modesty is the highest virtue。 No such thing！ Justice is the queen of the virtues： _He_ is justice incarnate。〃
_〃March 10th。_On reperusing this diary； it is demoralising； very： it feeds self。 Of all the detestable compositions： Me； Me； Me； from one end to another： for when it is not about myself； it is about Alfred； and that it is my he…Me though not my she…one。 So now to turn over a new leaf： from this day I shall record only the things that happen in this house and what my betters say to _me；_ not what I say； and the texts； and outline of the sermons； and Jane's Christian admonitions。〃
Before a resolve so virtuous all impure spirits retire； taking off their hats； and bowing down to the very ground； but apprehending Small Beer。
CHAPTER XXVIII
_Extracts from Jane Hardie's Diary。_
_〃March 3rd。_In my district again； the first time since my illness； from which I am indeed but half recovered。 Spoke faithfully to Mrs。 B。 about her infidel husband： told her not to try and talk to him； but to talk to God about him。 Gave her my tract 'A quiet heart。' Came home tired。 Prayed to be used to sharpen the sickles of other reapers。
_〃March 4th。_At St。 Philip's to hear the Bishop。 In the midst of an excellent sermon on Gen。 i。 2； he came out with the waters of baptism； to my horror： he disclaimed the extravagant views some of them take； then hankered after what he denied； and then partly unsaid _that_ too。 While the poor man was trimming his sails； I slunk behind a pillar in the corner of my pew； and fell on my knees； and prayed （a） against the stream of poison flowing on the congregation。 Oh； I felt like Jeremiah in his dungeon。
〃In the evening papa forbade me to go to church again： said the wind was too cold： I kissed him； and went up to my room and put my head between the pillows not to hear the bells。 Prayed for poor （b） Alfred。〃
_〃March 5th。_Sadly disappointed in J。 D。 I did hope he was embittering the world to her by degrees。 But for some time past she writes in ill…concealed spirits。
〃Another friend； after seeking rest in the world； is now seeking it in ritualism。 May both be drawn from their rotten reeds to the cross
'And oh this moral may my heart retain； All hopes of happiness on earth are vain。'〃
_〃March 6th。_The cat is out of the bag。 She is corresponding with Alfred： indeed she makes no secret of it。 Wrote her a （c） faithful letter。 Received a short reply； saying I had made her unhappy； and begging me to suspend my judgment till she could undeceive me without giving me too much pain。 What mystery is this？〃
_March 7th。_Alfred announces his unalterable determination to marry Julia。 I read the letter to papa directly。 He was silent for a long time： and then said： 'All the worse for both of them。' It was all I could do to suppress a thrill of carnal complacency at the thought this might in time pave the way to another union。 Even to think of that now is a sin。 1 Cor。 vii。 20…4； plainly shows that whatever position （d） of life we are placed in； there it is our duty to abide。 A child； for instance； is placed in subjection to her parents； and must not leave them without their consent。〃
_〃March 8th。_Sent two cups of cold water to two fellow…pilgrims of mine on the way to Jerusalem； viz： to E。 H。； Rom。 viii。 1； to Mrs。 M。； Philipp。 ii。 27。
〃Prayed for increase of humility。 I am so afraid my great success in His vineyard has seduced me into feeling as if there was a spring of living water in myself； instead of every drop being derived from the true fountain。〃
_〃March 9th。_Dr。 Wycherley closeted two hours with papapapa had sent for him； I find。 What is it makes me think that man is no true friend to Alfred in his advice？ I don't like these roundabout speakers： the lively oracles are not roundabout。〃
_〃March 10th。_ My beloved friend and fellow…labourer； Charlotte D； ruptured a blood…vessel （x） at three P。 M。； and was conveyed in the chariots of angels to the heavenly banqueting…house； to go no more out。 May I be found watching。
_〃March 11th。_ Dreadfully starved with these afternoon sermons。 If they go on like this； I really must stay at home； and feed upon the word。〃
_〃March 12th。_ Alfred has written to his trustees； and announced his coming marriage； and told them he is going to settle all his money upon the Dodds。 Papa quite agitated by this news： it did not come from Alfred； one of the trustees wrote to papa。 Oh； the blessing of Heaven will ne