camille- 第19部分

〃You　are　fortunate；〃　she　said；　〃in　being　able　to　get　away　from　Paris　in　this　fine　weather。〃

I　looked　at　Prudence；　asking　myself　whether　she　was　laughing　at　me；　but　her　face　was　quite　serious。

〃Shall　you　go　and　say　good…bye　to　Marguerite？〃　she　continued；　as　seriously　as　before。

〃No。〃

〃You　are　quite　right。〃

〃You　think　so？〃

〃Naturally。　Since　you　have　broken　with　her；　why　should　you　see　her　again？〃

〃You　know　it　is　broken　off？〃

〃She　showed　me　your　letter。〃

〃What　did　she　say　about　it？〃

〃She　said：　'My　dear　Prudence；　your　protege　is　not　polite；　one　thinks　such　letters；　one　does　not　write　them。〃'

〃In　what　tone　did　she　say　that？〃

〃Laughingly；　and　she　added：　〃He　has　had　supper　with　me　twice；　and　hasn't　even　called。〃'

That；　then；　was　the　effect　produced　by　my　letter　and　my　jealousy。　I　was　cruelly　humiliated　in　the　vanity　of　my　affection。

〃What　did　she　do　last　night？〃

〃She　went　to　the　opera。〃

〃I　know。　And　afterward？〃

〃She　had　supper　at　home。〃

〃Alone？〃

〃With　the　Comte　de　G。；　I　believe。〃

So　my　breaking　with　her　had　not　changed　one　of　her　habits。　It　is　for　such　reasons　as　this　that　certain　people　say　to　you：　Don't　have　anything　more　to　do　with　the　woman；　she　cares　nothing　about　you。

〃Well；　I　am　very　glad　to　find　that　Marguerite　does　not　put　herself　out　for　me；〃　I　said　with　a　forced　smile。

〃She　has　very　good　reason　not　to。　You　have　done　what　you　were　bound　to　do。　You　have　been　more　reasonable　than　she；　for　she　was　really　in　love　with　you；　she　did　nothing　but　talk　of　you。　I　don't　know　what　she　would　not　have　been　capable　of　doing。〃

〃Why　hasn't　she　answered　me；　if　she　was　in　love　with　me？〃

〃Because　she　realizes　she　was　mistaken　in　letting　herself　love　you。　Women　sometimes　allow　you　to　be　unfaithful　to　their　love；　they　never　allow　you　to　wound　their　self…esteem；　and　one　always　wounds　the　self…esteem　of　a　woman　when；　two　days　after　one　has　become　her　lover；　one　leaves　her；　no　matter　for　what　reason。　I　know　Marguerite；　she　would　die　sooner　than　reply。〃

〃What　can　I　do；　then？〃

〃Nothing。　She　will　forget　you；　you　will　forget　her；　and　neither　will　have　any　reproach　to　make　against　the　other。〃

〃But　if　I　write　and　ask　her　forgiveness？〃

〃Don't　do　that；　for　she　would　forgive　you。〃

I　could　have　flung　my　arms　round　Prudence's　neck。

A　quarter　of　an　hour　later　I　was　once　more　in　my　own　quarters；　and　I　wrote　to　Marguerite：

〃Some　one；　who　repents　of　a　letter　that　he　wrote　yesterday　and　who　will　leave　Paris　to…morrow　if　you　do　not　forgive　him；　wishes　to　know　at　what　hour　he　might　lay　his　repentance　at　your　feet。

〃When　can　he　find　you　alone？　for；　you　know；　confessions　must　be　made　without　witnesses。〃

I　folded　this　kind　of　madrigal　in　prose；　and　sent　it　by　Joseph；　who　handed　it　to　Marguerite　herself；　she　replied　that　she　would　send　the　answer　later。

I　only　went　out　to　have　a　hasty　dinner；　and　at　eleven　in　the　evening　no　reply　had　come。　I　made　up　my　mind　to　endure　it　no　longer；　and　to　set　out　next　day。　In　consequence　of　this　resolution；　and　convinced　that　I　should　not　sleep　if　I　went　to　bed；　I　began　to　pack　up　my　things。



Chapter　15

It　was　hardly　an　hour　after　Joseph　and　I　had　begun　preparing　for　my　departure；　when　there　was　a　violent　ring　at　the　door。

〃Shall　I　go　to　the　door？〃　said　Joseph。

〃Go；〃　I　said；　asking　myself　who　it　could　be　at　such　an　hour；　and　not　daring　to　believe　that　it　was　Marguerite。

〃Sir；〃　said　Joseph　coming　back　to　me；　〃it　is　two　ladies。〃

〃It　is　we；　Armand；〃　cried　a　voice　that　I　recognised　as　that　of　Prudence。

I　came　out　of　my　room。　Prudence　was　standing　looking　around　the　place；　Marguerite；　seated　on　the　sofa；　was　meditating。　I　went　to　her；　knelt　down；　took　her　two　hands；　and；　deeply　moved；　said　to　her；　〃Pardon。〃

She　kissed　me　on　the　forehead；　and　said：

〃This　is　the　third　time　that　I　have　forgiven　you。〃

〃I　should　have　gone　away　to…morrow。〃

〃How　can　my　visit　change　your　plans？　I　have　not　come　to　hinder　you　from　leaving　Paris。　I　have　come　because　I　had　no　time　to　answer　you　during　the　day；　and　I　did　not　wish　to　let　you　think　that　I　was　angry　with　you。　Prudence　didn't　want　me　to　come；　she　said　that　I　might　be　in　the　way。〃

〃You　in　the　way；　Marguerite！　But　how？〃

〃Well；　you　might　have　had　a　woman　here；〃　said　Prudence；　〃and　it　would　hardly　have　been　amusing　for　her　to　see　two　more　arrive。〃

During　this　remark　Marguerite　looked　at　me　attentively。

〃My　dear　Prudence；〃　I　answered；　〃you　do　not　know　what　you　are　saying。〃

〃What　a　nice　place　you've　got！〃　Prudence　went　on。　〃May　we　see　the　bedroom？〃

〃Yes。〃

Prudence　went　into　the　bedroom；　not　so　much　to　see　it　as　to　make　up　for　the　foolish　thing　which　she　had　just　said；　and　to　leave　Marguerite　and　me　alone。

〃Why　did　you　bring　Prudence？〃　I　asked　her。

〃Because　she　was　at　the　theatre　with　me；　and　because　when　I　leave　here　I　want　to　have　some　one　to　see　me　home。〃

〃Could　not　I　do？〃

〃Yes；　but；　besides　not　wishing　to　put　you　out；　I　was　sure　that　if　you　came　as　far　as　my　door　you　would　want　to　come　up；　and　as　I　could　not　let　you；　I　did　not　wish　to　let　you　go　away　blaming　me　for　saying　'No。'〃

〃And　why　could　you　not　let　me　come　up？〃

〃Because　I　am　watched；　and　the　least　suspicion　might　do　me　the　greatest　harm。〃

〃Is　that　really　the　only　reason？〃

〃If　there　were　any　other；　I　would　tell　you；　for　we　are　not　to　have　any　secrets　from　one　another　now。〃

〃Come；　Marguerite；　I　am　not　going　to　take　a　roundabout　way　of　saying　what　I　really　want　to　say。　Honestly；　do　you　care　for　me　a　little？〃

〃A　great　deal。〃

〃Then　why　did　you　deceive　me？〃

〃My　friend；　if　I　were　the　Duchess　So　and　So；　if　I　had　two　hundred　thousand　francs　a　year；　and　if　I　were　your　mistress　and　had　another　lover；　you　would　have　the　right　to　ask　me；　but　I　am　Mlle。　Marguerite　Gautier；　I　am　forty　thousand　francs　in　debt；　I　have　not　a　penny　of　my　own；　and　I　spend　a　hundred　thousand　francs　a　year。　Your　question　becomes　unnecessary　and　my　answer　useless。〃

〃You　are　right；〃　I　said；　letting　my　head　sink　on　her　knees；　〃but　I　love　you　madly。〃

〃Well；　my　friend；　you　must　either　love　me　a　little　less　or　understand　me　a　little　better。　Your　letter　gave　me　a　great　deal　of　pain。　If　I　had　been　free；　first　of　all　I　would　not　have　seen　the　count　the　day　before　yesterday；　or；　if　I　had；　I　should　have　come　and　asked　your　forgiveness　as　you　ask　me　now；　and　in　future　I　should　have　had　no　other　lover　but　you。　I　fancied　for　a　moment　that　I　might　give　myself　that　happiness　for　six　months；　you　would　not　have　it；　you　insisted　on　knowing　the　means。　Well；　good　heavens；　the　means　were　easy　enough　to　guess！　In　employing　them　I　was　making　a　greater　sacrifice　for　you　than　you　imagine。　I　might　have　said　to　you；　'I　want　twenty　thousand　francs'；　you　were　in　love　with　me　and　you　would　have　found　them；　at　the　risk　of　reproaching　me　for　it　later　on。　I　preferred　to　owe　you　nothing；　you　did　not　understand　the　scruple；　for　such　it　was。　Those　of　us　who　are　like　me；　when　we　have　any　heart　at　all；　we　give　a　meaning　and　a　development　to　words　and　things　unknown　to　other　women；　I　repeat；　then；　that　on　the　part　of　Marguerite　Gautier　the　means　which　she　used　to　pay　her　debts　without　asking　you　for　the　money　necessary　for　it；　was　a　scruple　by　which　you　ought　to　profit；　without　saying　anything。　If　you　had　only　met　me　to…day；　you　would　be　too　delighted　with　what　I　promised　you；　and　you　would　not　question　me　as　to　what　I　did　the　day　before　yesterday。　We　are　sometimes　obliged　to　buy　the　satisfaction　of　our　souls　at　the　expense　of　our　bodies；　and　we　suffer　still　more；　when；　afterward；　that　satisfaction　is　denied　us。〃

I　listened；　and　I　gazed　at　Marguerite　with　admiration。　When　I　thought　that　this　marvellous　creature；　whose　feet　I　had　once　longed　to　kiss；　was　willing　to　let　me　take　my　place　in　her　thoughts；　my　part　in　her　life；　and　that　I　was　not　yet　content　with　what　she　gave　me；　I　asked　if　man's　desire　has　indeed　limits　when；　satisfied　as　promptly　as　mine　had　been；　it　reached　after　something　further。

〃Truly；〃　she　continued；　〃we　poor　creatures　of　chance　have　fantastic　desires　and　inconceivable　loves。　We　give　ourselves　now　for　one　thing；　now　for　another。　There　are　men　who　ruin　themselves　without　obtaining　the　least　thing　from　us；　there　are　others　who　obtain　us　for　a　bouquet　of　flowers。　Our　hearts　have　their　caprices；　it　is　their　one　distraction　and　their　one　excuse。　I　gave　myself　to　you　sooner　than　I　ever　did　to　any　man；　I　swear　to　you；　and　do　you　know　why？　Because　when　you　saw　me　spitting　blood　you　took　my　hand；　because　you　wept；　because　you　are　the　only　human　being　who　has　ever　pitied　me。　I　am　going　to　say　a　mad　thing　to　you：　I　once　had　a　little　dog　who　looked　at　me　with　a　sad　look　when　I　coughed；　that　is　the　only　creature　I　ever　loved。　When　he　died　I　cried　more　than　when　my　mother　died。　It　is　true　that　for　twelve　years　of　her　life　she　used　to　beat　me。　Well；　I　loved　you　all　at　once；　as　much　as　my　dog。　If　men　knew　what　they　can　have　for　a　tear；　they　would　be　better　loved　and　we　should　be　less　ruinous　to　them。

〃Your　letter　undeceived　me；　it　showed　me　that　you　lacked　the　intelligence　of　the　heart；　it　did　you　more　harm　with　me　than　anything　you　could　possibly　have　done。　It　was　jealousy　certainly；　but　ironical　and　impertinent　jealousy。　I　was　already　feeling　sad　when　I　received　your　letter。　I　was　looking　forward　to　seeing　you　at　twelve；　to　having　lunch　with　you；　and　wiping　out；　by　seeing　you；　a　thought　which　was　with　me　incessantly；　and　which；　before　I　knew　you；　I　had　no　difficulty　in　tolerating。

〃Then；〃　continued　Marguerite；　〃you　were　the　only　person　before　whom　it　seemed　to　me；　from　the　first；　that　I　could　think　and　speak　freely。　All　those　who　come　about　women　like　me　have　an　interest　in　calculating　their　slightest　words；　in　thinking　of　the　consequences　of　their　most　insignificant　actions。　Naturally　we　have　no　friends。　We　have　selfish　lovers　who　spend　their　fortunes；　riot　on　us；　as　they　say；　but　on　their　own　vanity。　For　these　people　we　have　to　be　merry　when　they　are　merry；　well　when　they　want　to　sup；　sceptics　like　themselves。　We　are　not　allowed　to　have　hearts；　under　penalty　of　being　hooted　down　and　of　ruining　our　credit。

〃We　no　longer　belong　to　ourselves。　We　are　no　longer　beings；　but　things。　We　stand　first　in　their　self…esteem；　last　in　their