in full view； in the second row of benches； that night； and I began on
him。 I tried him with mild jokes； then with severe ones； I dosed him
with bad jokes and riddled him with good ones； I fired old stale jokes
into him； and peppered him fore and aft with red…hot new ones； I warmed
up to my work； and assaulted him on the right and left； in front and
behind； I fumed and sweated and charged and ranted till I was hoarse and
sick and frantic and furious； but I never moved him onceI never started
a smile or a tear！ Never a ghost of a smile； and never a suspicion of
moisture！ I was astounded。 I closed the lecture at last with one
despairing shriekwith one wild burst of humor； and hurled a joke of
supernatural atrocity full at him！
Then I sat down bewildered and exhausted。
The president of the society came up and bathed my head with cold water；
and said： 〃What made you carry on so toward the last？〃
I said： 〃I was trying to make that confounded old fool laugh； in the
second row。〃
And he said： 〃Well； you were wasting your time； because he is deaf and
dumb； and as blind as a badger！〃
Now； was that any way for that old man's nephew to impose on a stranger
and orphan like me？ I ask you as a man and brother； if that was any way
for him to do？
THE OFFICE BORE ＇Written about 1869＇
He arrives just as regularly as the clock strikes nine in the morning。
And so he even beats the editor sometimes； and the porter must leave his
work and climb two or three pairs of stairs to unlock the 〃Sanctum〃 door
and let him in。 He lights one of the office pipesnot reflecting；
perhaps； that the editor may be one of those 〃stuck…up〃 people who would
as soon have a stranger defile his tooth…brush as his pipe…stem。 Then he
begins to lollfor a person who can consent to loaf his useless life
away in ignominious indolence has not the energy to sit up straight。
He stretches full length on the sofa awhile； then draws up to half
length； then gets into a chair； hangs his head back and his arms abroad；
and stretches his legs till the rims of his boot…heels rest upon the
floor； by and by sits up and leans forward； with one leg or both over the
arm of the chair。 But it is still observable that with all his changes
of position； he never assumes the upright or a fraudful affectation of
dignity。 From time to time he yawns； and stretches； and scratches
himself with a tranquil； mangy enjoyment； and now and then he grunts a
kind of stuffy； overfed grunt； which is full of animal contentment。 At
rare and long intervals； however； he sighs a sigh that is the eloquent
expression of a secret confession； to wit 〃I am useless and a nuisance；
a cumberer of the earth。〃 The bore and his comradesfor there are
usually from two to four on hand； day and nightmix into the
conversation when men come in to see the editors for a moment on
business； they hold noisy talks among themselves about politics in
particular； and all other subjects in generaleven warming up； after a
fashion； sometimes； and seeming to take almost a real interest in what
they are discussing。 They ruthlessly call an editor from his work with
such a remark as： 〃Did you see this； Smith； in the Gazette？〃 and proceed
to read the paragraph while the sufferer reins in his impatient pen and
listens； they often loll and sprawl round the office hour after hour；
swapping anecdotes and relating personal experiences to each other
hairbreadth escapes； social encounters with distinguished men； election
reminiscences； sketches of odd characters； etc。 And through all those
hours they never seem to comprehend that they are robbing the editors of
their time； and the public of journalistic excellence in next day's
paper。 At other times they drowse； or dreamily pore over exchanges； or
droop limp and pensive over the chair…arms for an hour。 Even this solemn
silence is small respite to the editor； for the next uncomfortable thing
to having people look over his shoulders； perhaps； is to have them sit by
in silence and listen to the scratching of his pen。 If a body desires to
talk private business with one of the editors； he must call him outside；
for no hint milder than blasting…powder or nitroglycerin would be likely
to move the bores out of listening…distance。 To have to sit and endure
the presence of a bore day after day； to feel your cheerful spirits begin
to sink as his footstep sounds on the stair； and utterly vanish away as
his tiresome form enters the door； to suffer through his anecdotes and
die slowly to his reminiscences； to feel always the fetters of his
clogging presence； to long hopelessly for one single day's privacy； to
note with a shudder； by and by； that to contemplate his funeral in fancy
has ceased to soothe； to imagine him undergoing in strict and fearful
detail the tortures of the ancient Inquisition has lost its power to
satisfy the heart； and that even to wish him millions and millions and
millions of miles in Tophet is able to bring only a fitful gleam of joy；
to have to endure all this； day after day； and week after week； and month
after month； is an affliction that transcends any other that men suffer。
Physical pain is pastime to it； and hanging a pleasure excursion。
JOHNNY GREER
〃The church was densely crowded that lovely summer Sabbath；〃 said the
Sunday…school superintendent； 〃and all； as their eyes rested upon the
small coffin； seemed impressed by the poor black boy's fate。 Above the
stillness the pastor's voice rose； and chained the interest of every ear
as he told； with many an envied compliment； how that the brave； noble；
daring little Johnny Greer； when he saw the drowned body sweeping down
toward the deep part of the river whence the agonized parents never could
have recovered it in this world； gallantly sprang into the stream； and；
at the risk of his life； towed the corpse to shore； and held it fast till
help came and secured it。 Johnny Greer was sitting just in front of me。
A ragged street…boy； with eager eye； turned upon him instantly； and said
in a hoarse whisper
〃'No； but did you； though？'
〃'Yes。'
〃'Towed the carkiss ashore and saved it yo'self？'
〃'Yes。'
〃'Cracky！ What did they give you？'
〃'Nothing。'
〃'W…h…a…t ＇with intense disgust＇！ D'you know what I'd 'a' done？ I'd 'a'
anchored him out in the stream； and said； Five dollars； gents； or you
carn't have yo' nigger。'〃
THE FACTS IN THE CASE OF THE GREAT BEEF CONTRACT ＇Written about 1867。＇
In as few words as possible I wish to lay before the nation what's here；
howsoever small； I have had in this matterthis matter which has so
exercised the public mind； engendered so much ill…feeling； and so filled
the newspapers of both continents with distorted statements and
extravagant comments。
The origin of this distressful thing was thisand I assert here that
every fact in the following resume can be amply proved by the official
records of the General Government。
John Wilson Mackenzie； of Rotterdam； Chemung County； New Jersey；
deceased； contracted with the General Government； on or about the 10th
day of October； 1861； to furnish to General Sherman the sum total of
thirty barrels of beef。
Very well。
He started after Sherman with the beef； but when he got to Washington
Sherman had gone to Manassas； so he took the beef and followed him there；
but arrived too late； he followed him to Nashville； and from Nashville to
Chattanooga； and from Chattanooga to Atlantabut he never could overtake
him。 At Atlanta he took a fresh start and followed him clear through his
march to the sea。 He arrived too late again by a few days； but hearing
that Sherman was going out in the Quaker City excursion to the Holy Land；
he took shipping for Beirut； calculating to head off the other vessel。
When he arrived in Jerusalem with his beef； he learned that Sherman had
not sailed in the Quaker City； but had gone to the Plains to fight the
Indians。 He returned to America and started for the Rocky Mountains。
After sixty…eight days of arduous travel on the Plains； and when he had
got within four miles of Sherman's headquarters； he was tomahawked and
scalped； and the Indians got the beef。 They got all of it but one
barrel。 Sherman's army captured that； and so； even in death； the bold
navigator partly fulfilled his contract。 In his will； which he had kept
like a journal； he bequeathed the contract to his son Bartholomew W。
Bartholomew W。 made out the following bill； and then died：
THE UNITED STATES
In account with JOHN WILSON MACKENZIE； of New Jersey；
deceased； 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 Dr。
To thirty barrels of beef for General Sherman； at 100； 3；000
To traveling expenses and transportation 。 。 。 。 。 14；000
Total 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 17；000
Rec'd Pay't。
He died then； but he left the contract to Wm。 J。 Martin； who tried to
collect it； but died before he got through。 He left it to Barker J。
Allen； and he tried to collect it also。 He did not survive。 Barker J。
Allen left it to Anson G。 Rogers； who attempted to collect it； and got
along as far as the Ninth Auditor's Office； when Death； the great
Leveler； came all unsummoned； and foreclosed on him also。 He left the
bill to a relative of his in Connecticut； Vengeance Hopkins by name； who
lasted four weeks and two days； and made the best time on record； coming
within one of reaching the Twelfth Auditor。 In his will he gave the
contract bill to his uncle； by the name of O…be…joyful Johnson。 It was
too undermining for joyful。 His last words were： 〃Weep not for meI am
willing to go。〃 And so he was； poor soul。 Seven people inherited the
contract after that； but they all died。 So it came into my hands at
last。 It fell to me through a relative by the name of； Hubbard
Bethlehem Hubbard； of Indiana。 He had had a grudge against me for a long
time； but in his last moments he sent for me； and forgave me everything；
and； weeping； gave me the beef contract。
This ends the history of it up to the time that I succeeded to the
property。 I will now endeavor to set myself straight before the nation
in everything