other； and then plunged under forever； carrying the national archives
along with itand not only the archives and the populace； but some
eligible town lots which had increased in value as fast as they
diminished in size in the tropics； and which Riley could have sold at
thirty cents a pound and made himself rich if he could have kept the
province afloat ten hours longer and got her into port。
Riley is very methodical； untiringly accommodating； never forgets
anything that is to be attended to； is a good son； a stanch friend； and a
permanent reliable enemy。 He will put himself to any amount of trouble
to oblige a body； and therefore always has his hands full of things to be
done for the helpless and the shiftless。 And he knows how to do nearly
everything； too。 He is a man whose native benevolence is a well…spring
that never goes dry。 He stands always ready to help whoever needs help；
as far as he is ableand not simply with his money； for that is a cheap
and common charity； but with hand and brain； and fatigue of limb and
sacrifice of time。 This sort of men is rare。
Riley has a ready wit； a quickness and aptness at selecting and applying
quotations； and a countenance that is as solemn and as blank as the back
side of a tombstone when he is delivering a particularly exasperating
joke。 One night a negro woman was burned to death in a house next door
to us； and Riley said that our landlady would be oppressively emotional
at breakfast； because she generally made use of such opportunities as
offered； being of a morbidly sentimental turn； and so we should find it
best to let her talk along and say nothing backit was the only way to
keep her tears out of the gravy。 Riley said there never was a funeral in
the neighborhood but that the gravy was watery for a week。
And； sure enough； at breakfast the landlady was down in the very sloughs
of woeentirely brokenhearted。 Everything she looked at reminded her of
that poor old negro woman； and so the buckwheat cakes made her sob； the
coffee forced a groan； and when the beefsteak came on she fetched a wail
that made our hair rise。 Then she got to talking about deceased； and
kept up a steady drizzle till both of us were soaked through and through。
Presently she took a fresh breath and said； with a world of sobs：
〃Ah； to think of it； only to think of it！the poor old faithful
creature。 For she was so faithful。 Would you believe it； she had been a
servant in that selfsame house and that selfsame family for twenty seven
years come Christmas； and never a cross word and never a lick！ And； oh；
to think she should meet such a death at last！a…sitting over the red
hot stove at three o'clock in the morning and went to sleep and fell on
it and was actually roasted！ Not just frizzled up a bit； but literally
roasted to a crisp！ Poor faithful creature； how she was cooked！ I am
but a poor woman； but even if I have to scrimp to do it； I will put up a
tombstone over that lone sufferer's graveand Mr。 Riley if you would
have the goodness to think up a little epitaph to put on it which would
sort of describe the awful way in which she met her〃
〃Put it； 'Well done； good and faithful servant；'〃 said Riley； and never
smiled。
A FINE OLD MAN
John Wagner； the oldest man in Buffaloone hundred and four years old
recently walked a mile and a half in two weeks。
He is as cheerful and bright as any of these other old men that charge
around so persistently and tiresomely in the newspapers； and in every way
as remarkable。
Last November he walked five blocks in a rainstorm； without any shelter
but an umbrella； and cast his vote for Grant； remarking that he had voted
for forty…seven presidentswhich was a lie。
His 〃second crop〃 of rich brown hair arrived from New York yesterday； and
he has a new set of teeth coming from Philadelphia。
He is to be married next week to a girl one hundred and two years old；
who still takes in washing。
They have been engaged eighty years； but their parents persistently
refused their consent until three days ago。
John Wagner is two years older than the Rhode Island veteran； and yet has
never tasted a drop of liquor in his lifeunless…unless you count
whisky。
SCIENCE V。S。 LUCK ＇Written about 1867。＇
At that time； in Kentucky （said the Hon。 Mr。 K…）； the law was very
strict against what is termed 〃games of chance。〃 About a dozen of the
boys were detected playing 〃seven up〃 or 〃old sledge〃 for money； and the
grand jury found a true bill against them。 Jim Sturgis was retained to
defend them when the case came up； of course。 The more he studied over
the matter； and looked into the evidence； the plainer it was that he must
lose a case at lastthere was no getting around that painful fact。
Those boys had certainly been betting money on a game of chance。 Even
public sympathy was roused in behalf of Sturgis。 People said it was a
pity to see him mar his successful career with a big prominent case like
this； which must go against him。
But after several restless nights an inspired idea flashed upon Sturgis；
and he sprang out of bed delighted。 He thought he saw his way through。
The next day he whispered around a little among his clients and a few
friends； and then when the case came up in court he acknowledged the
seven…up and the betting； and； as his sole defense； had the astounding
effrontery to put in the plea that old sledge was not a game of chance！
There was the broadest sort of a smile all over the faces of that
sophisticated audience。 The judge smiled with the rest。 But Sturgis
maintained a countenance whose earnestness was even severe。 The opposite
counsel tried to ridicule him out of his position； and did not succeed。
The judge jested in a ponderous judicial way about the thing； but did not
move him。 The matter was becoming grave。 The judge lost a little of his
patience； and said the joke had gone far enough。 Jim Sturgis said he
knew of no joke in the matterhis clients could not be punished for
indulging in what some people chose to consider a game of chance until it
was proven that it was a game of chance。 Judge and counsel said that
would be an easy matter； and forthwith called Deacons Job； Peters； Burke；
and Johnson； and Dominies Wirt and Miggles； to testify； and they
unanimously and with strong feeling put down the legal quibble of Sturgis
by pronouncing that old sledge was a game of chance。
〃What do you call it now？〃 said the judge。
〃I call it a game of science！〃 retorted Sturgis； 〃and I'll prove it；
too！〃
They saw his little game。
He brought in a cloud of witnesses； and produced an overwhelming mass of
testimony； to show that old sledge was not a game of chance but a game of
science。
Instead of being the simplest case in the world； it had somehow turned
out to be an excessively knotty one。 The judge scratched his head over
it awhile； and said there was no way of coming to a determination；
because just as many men could be brought into court who would testify on
one side as could be found to testify on the other。 But he said he was
willing to do the fair thing by all parties； and would act upon any
suggestion Mr。 Sturgis would make for the solution of the difficulty。
Mr。 Sturgis was on his feet in a second。
〃Impanel a jury of six of each； Luck versus Science。 Give them candles
and a couple of decks of cards。 Send them into the jury…room； and just
abide by the result！〃
There was no disputing the fairness of the proposition。 The four deacons
and the two dominies were sworn in as the 〃chance〃 jurymen； and six
inveterate old seven…up professors were chosen to represent the 〃science〃
side of the issue。 They retired to the jury…room。
In about two hours Deacon Peters sent into court to borrow three dollars
from a friend。 ＇Sensation。＇ In about two hours more Dominie Miggles
sent into court to borrow a 〃stake〃 from a friend。 ＇Sensation。＇ During
the next three or four hours the other dominie and the other deacons sent
into court for small loans。 And still the packed audience waited； for it
was a prodigious occasion in Bull's Corners； and one in which every
father of a family was necessarily interested。
The rest of the story can be told briefly。 About daylight the jury came
in； and Deacon Job； the foreman； read the following：
VERDICT：
We； the jury in the case of the Commonwealth of Kentucky vs。 John
Wheeler et al。； have carefully considered the points of the case；
and tested the merits of the several theories advanced； and do
hereby unanimously decide that the game commonly known as old sledge
or seven…up is eminently a game of science and not of chance。 In
demonstration whereof it is hereby and herein stated； iterated；
reiterated； set forth； and made manifest that； during the entire
night； the 〃chance〃 men never won a game or turned a jack； although
both feats were common and frequent to the opposition； and
furthermore； in support of this our verdict； we call attention to
the significant fact that the 〃chance〃 men are all busted； and the
〃science〃 men have got the money。 It is the deliberate opinion of
this jury； that the 〃chance〃 theory concerning seven…up is a
pernicious doctrine； and calculated to inflict untold suffering and
pecuniary loss upon any community that takes stock in it。
〃That is the way that seven…up came to be set apart and particularized in
the statute…books of Kentucky as being a game not of chance but of
science； and therefore not punishable under the law；〃 said Mr。 K…。
〃That verdict is of record； and holds good to this day。〃
THE LATE BENJAMIN FRANKLIN ＇Written about 1870。＇
＇〃Never put off till to…morrow what you can do day after to…morrow just
as well。〃B。 F。＇
This party was one of those persons whom they call Philosophers。 He was
twins； being born simultaneously in two different houses in the city of
Boston。 These houses remain unto this day； and have signs upon them
worded in accordance with the facts。 The signs are considered well
enough to have； though not necessary； because the inhabitants point out
the two birthplaces to the stranger anyhow； an