five minutes it was not possible to tell which was the drunkest。 Both
were as drunk as loonsand on hot whisky punches； by the smell of their
breath。 Yet all the while Chang's moral principles were unsullied； his
conscience clear； and so all just men were forced to confess that he was
not morally； but only physically； drunk。 By every right and by every
moral evidence the man was strictly sober； and； therefore； it caused his
friends all the more anguish to see him shake hands with the pump and try
to wind his watch with his night…key。
There is a moral in these solemn warningsor； at least； a warning in
these solemn morals； one or the other。 No matter； it is somehow。 Let us
heed it； let us profit by it。
I could say more of an instructive nature about these interesting beings；
but let what I have written suffice。
Having forgotten to mention it sooner； I will remark in conclusion that
the ages of the Siamese Twins are respectively fifty…one and fifty…three
years。
SPEECH AT THE SCOTTISH BANQUET IN LONDON ＇Written about 1872。＇
On the anniversary festival of the Scottish Corporation of London on
Monday evening； in response to the toast of 〃The Ladies；〃 MARK TWAIN
replied。 The following is his speech as reported in the London Observer：
I am proud； indeed； of the distinction of being chosen to respond to this
especial toast； to 'The Ladies；' or to women if you please； for that is
the preferable term； perhaps； it is certainly the older； and therefore
the more entitled to reverence ＇Laughter。＇ I have noticed that the
Bible； with that plain； blunt honesty which is such a conspicuous
characteristic of the Scriptures； is always particular to never refer to
even the illustrious mother of all mankind herself as a 'lady；' but
speaks of her as a woman； ＇Laughter。＇ It is odd； but you will find it is
so。 I am peculiarly proud of this honor； because I think that the toast
to women is one which； by right and by every rule of gallantry； should
take precedence of all othersof the army； of the navy； of even royalty
itself perhaps； though the latter is not necessary in this day and in
this land； for the reason that； tacitly； you do drink a broad general
health to all good women when you drink the health of the Queen of
England and the Princess of Wales。 ＇Loud cheers。＇ I have in mind a poem
just now which is familiar to you all； familiar to everybody。 And what
an inspiration that was （and how instantly the present toast recalls the
verses to all our minds） when the most noble； the most gracious； the
purest； and sweetest of all poets says：
〃Woman！ O woman！er
Wom〃
＇Laughter。＇ However； you remember the lines； and you remember how
feelingly； how daintily； how almost imperceptibly the verses raise up
before you； feature by feature； the ideal of a true and perfect woman；
and how； as you contemplate the finished marvel； your homage grows into
worship of the intellect that could create so fair a thing out of mere
breath； mere words。 And you call to mind now； as I speak； how the poet；
with stern fidelity to the history of all humanity； delivers this
beautiful child of his heart and his brain over to the trials and sorrows
that must come to all； sooner or later； that abide in the earth； and how
the pathetic story culminates in that apostropheso wild； so regretful；
so full of mournful retrospection。 The lines run thus：
〃Alas！alas！aalas！
Alas！alas！〃
and so on。 ＇Laughter。＇ I do not remember the rest； but； taken
together； it seems to me that poem is the noblest tribute to woman that
human genius has ever brought forth＇laughter）and I feel that if I
were to talk hours I could not do my great theme completer or more
graceful justice than I have now done in simply quoting that poet's
matchless words。 ＇Renewed laughter。＇ The phases of the womanly nature
are infinite in their variety。 Take any type of woman； and you shall
find in it something to respect； something to admire； something to love。
And you shall find the whole joining you heart and hand。 Who was more
patriotic than Joan of Arc？ Who was braver？ Who has given us a grander
instance of self…sacrificing devotion？ Ah！ you remember； you remember
well； what a throb of pain； what a great tidal wave of grief swept over
us all when Joan of Arc fell at Waterloo。 ＇Much laughter。＇ Who does not
sorrow for the loss of Sappho； the sweet singer of Israel？ ＇Laughter。＇
Who among us does not miss the gentle ministrations； the softening
influences； the humble piety of Lucretia Borgia？ ＇Laughter。＇ Who can
join in the heartless libel that says woman is extravagant in dress when
he can look back and call to mind our simple and lowly mother Eve arrayed
in her modification of the Highland costume。 ＇Roars of laughter。＇
Sir； women have been soldiers； women have been painters； women have been
poets。 As long as language lives the name of Cleopatra will live。
And； not because she conquered George III。 ＇laughter＇but because she
wrote those divine lines：
〃Let dogs delight to bark and bite；
For God hath made them so。〃
＇More laughter。＇ The story of the world is adorned with the names of
illustrious ones of our own sexsome of them sons of St。 Andrew； too
Scott； Bruce； Burns； the warrior Wallace； Ben Nevis＇laughter＇the
gifted Ben Lomond； and the great new Scotchman； Ben Disraeli。 ＇Great
laughter。＇ Out of the great plains of history tower whole mountain
ranges of sublime womenthe Queen of Sheba； Josephine； Semiramis； Sairey
Gamp； the list is endless＇laughter＇but I will not call the mighty
roll； the names rise up in your own memories at the mere suggestion；
luminous with the glory of deeds that cannot die； hallowed by the loving
worship of the good and the true of all epochs and all climes。 ＇Cheers。＇
Suffice it for our pride and our honor that we in our day have added to
it such names as those of Grace Darling and Florence Nightingale。
＇Cheers。＇ Woman is all that she should be…gentle； patient； long
suffering； trustful； unselfish； full of generous impulses。 It is her
blessed mission to comfort the sorrowing； plead for the erring； encourage
the faint of purpose； succor the distressed； uplift the fallen； befriend
the friendless in a word； afford the healing of her sympathies and a home
in her heart for all the bruised and persecuted children of misfortune
that knock at its hospitable door。 ＇Cheers。＇ And when I say； God bless
her； there is none among us who has known the ennobling affection of a
wife； or the steadfast devotion of a mother； but in his heart will say；
Amen！ ＇Loud and prolonged cheering。＇
＇Mr。 Benjamin Disraeli； at that time Prime Minister of England； had
just been elected Lord Rector of Glasgow University； and had made a
speech which gave rise to a world of discussion。＇
A GHOST STORY
I took a large room； far up Broadway； in a huge old building whose upper
stories had been wholly unoccupied for years until I came。 The place had
long been given up to dust and cobwebs； to solitude and silence。
I seemed groping among the tombs and invading the privacy of the dead；
that first night I climbed up to my quarters。 For the first time in my
life a superstitious dread came over me； and as I turned a dark angle of
the stairway and an invisible cobweb swung its slazy woof in my face and
clung there； I shuddered as one who had encountered a phantom。
I was glad enough when I reached my room and locked out the mold and the
darkness。 A cheery fire was burning in the grate； and I sat down before
it with a comforting sense of relief。 For two hours I sat there；
thinking of bygone times； recalling old scenes； and summoning half…
forgotten faces out of the mists of the past； listening； in fancy； to
voices that long ago grew silent for all time； and to once familiar songs
that nobody sings now。 And as my reverie softened down to a sadder and
sadder pathos； the shrieking of the winds outside softened to a wail； the
angry beating of the rain against the panes diminished to a tranquil
patter； and one by one the noises in the street subsided； until the
hurrying footsteps of the last belated straggler died away in the
distance and left no sound behind。
The fire had burned low。 A sense of loneliness crept over me。 I arose
and undressed； moving on tiptoe about the room； doing stealthily what I
had to do； as if I were environed by sleeping enemies whose slumbers it
would be fatal to break。 I covered up in bed； and lay listening to the
rain and wind and the faint creaking of distant shutters； till they
lulled me to sleep。
I slept profoundly； but how long I do not know。 All at once I found
myself awake； and filled with a shuddering expectancy。 All was still。
All but my own heartI could hear it beat。 Presently the bedclothes
began to slip away slowly toward the foot of the bed； as if some one were
pulling them！ I could not stir； I could not speak。 Still the blankets
slipped deliberately away； till my breast was uncovered。 Then with a
great effort I seized them and drew them over my head。 I waited；
listened； waited。 Once more that steady pull began； and once more I lay
torpid a century of dragging seconds till my breast was naked again。 At
last I roused my energies and snatched the covers back to their place and
held them with a strong grip。 I waited。 By and by I felt a faint tug；
and took a fresh grip。； The tug strengthened to a steady strainit grew
stronger and stronger。 My hold parted； and for the third time the
blankets slid away。 I groaned。 An answering groan came from the foot of
the bed！ Beaded drops of sweat stood upon my forehead。 I was more dead
than alive。 Presently I heard a heavy footstep in my roomthe step of
an elephant； it seemed to meit was not like anything human。 But it was
moving from methere was relief in that。 I heard it approach the door
pass out without moving bolt or lockand wander away among the dismal
corridors； straining the floors and joists till they creaked again as it
passedand then silence reigned once more。
When my excitement had calmed； I said to myself； 〃T