a confession(忏悔录)- 第5部分

sciences；　but　later　the　mathematical　and　natural　sciences　attracted

me；　and　until　I　put　my　question　definitely　to　myself；　until　that

question　had　itself　grown　up　within　me　urgently　demanding　a

decision；　I　contented　myself　with　those　counterfeit　answers　which

science　gives。

　　　　　Now　in　the　experimental　sphere　I　said　to　myself：　〃Everything

develops　and　differentiates　itself；　moving　towards　complexity　and

perfection；　and　there　are　laws　directing　this　movement。　　You　are　a

part　of　the　whole。　　Having　learnt　as　far　as　possible　the　whole；　and

having　learnt　the　law　of　evolution；　you　will　understand　also　your

place　in　the　whole　and　will　know　yourself。〃　　Ashamed　as　I　am　to

confess　it；　there　wa　a　time　when　I　seemed　satisfied　with　that。　　It

was　just　the　time　when　I　was　myself　becoming　more　complex　and　was

developing。　My　muscles　were　growing　and　strengthening；　my　memory

was　being　enriched；　my　capacity　to　think　and　understand　was

increasing；　I　was　growing　and　developing；　and　feeling　this　growth

in　myself　it　was　natural　for　me　to　think　that　such　was　the

universal　law　in　which　I　should　find　the　solution　of　the　question

of　my　life。　　But　a　time　came　when　the　growth　within　me　ceased。　　I

felt　that　I　was　not　developing；　but　fading；　my　muscles　were

weakening；　my　teeth　falling　out；　and　I　saw　that　the　law　not　only

did　not　explain　anything　to　me；　but　that　there　never　had　been　or

could　be　such　a　law；　and　that　I　had　taken　for　a　law　what　I　had

found　in　myself　at　a　certain　period　of　my　life。　　I　regarded　the

definition　of　that　law　more　strictly；　and　it　became　clear　to　me

that　there　could　be　no　law　of　endless　development；　it　became　clear

that　to　say；　〃in　infinite　space　and　time　everything　develops；

becomes　more　perfect　and　more　complex；　is　differentiated〃；　is　to

say　nothing　at　all。　　These　are　all　words　with　no　meaning；　for　in

the　infinite　there　is　neither　complex　nor　simple；　neither　forward

nor　backward；　nor　better　or　worse。

　　　　　Above　all；　my　personal　question；　〃What　am　I　with　my　desires？〃

remained　quite　unanswered。　　And　I　understood　that　those　sciences

are　very　interesting　and　attractive；　but　that　they　are　exact　and

clear　in　inverse　proportion　to　their　applicability　to　the　question

of　life：　the　less　their　applicability　to　the　question　of　life；　the

more　exact　and　clear　they　are；　while　the　more　they　try　to　reply　to

the　question　of　life；　the　more　obscure　and　unattractive　they

become。　　If　one　turns　to　the　division　of　sciences　which　attempt　to

reply　to　the　questions　of　life　　to　physiology；　psychology；

biology；　sociology　　one　encounters　an　appalling　poverty　of

thought；　the　greatest　obscurity；　a　quite　unjustifiable　pretension

to　solve　irrelevant　question；　and　a　continual　contradiction　of　each

authority　by　others　and　even　by　himself。　　If　one　turns　to　the

branches　of　science　which　are　not　concerned　with　the　solution　of

the　questions　of　life；　but　which　reply　to　their　own　special

scientific　questions；　one　is　enraptured　by　the　power　of　man's　mind；

but　one　knows　in　advance　that　they　give　no　reply　to　life's

questions。　　Those　sciences　simply　ignore　life's　questions。　　They

say：　　〃To　the　question　of　what　you　are　and　why　you　live　we　have　no

reply；　and　are　not　occupied　with　that；　but　if　you　want　to　know　the

laws　of　light；　of　chemical　combinations；　the　laws　of　development　of

organisms；　if　you　want　to　know　the　laws　of　bodies　and　their　form；

and　the　relation　of　numbers　and　quantities；　if　you　want　to　know　the

laws　of　your　mind；　to　all　that　we　have　clear；　exact　and

unquestionable　replies。〃

　　　　　In　general　the　relation　of　the　experimental　sciences　to　life's

question　may　be　expressed　thus：　　Question：　〃Why　do　I　live？〃　

Answer：　〃In　infinite　space；　in　infinite　time；　infinitely　small

particles　change　their　forms　in　infinite　complexity；　and　when　you

have　under　stood　the　laws　of　those　mutations　of　form　you　will

understand　why　you　live　on　the　earth。〃

　　　　　Then　in　the　sphere　of　abstract　science　I　said　to　myself：　　〃All

humanity　lives　and　develops　on　the　basis　of　spiritual　principles

and　ideals　which　guide　it。　　Those　ideals　are　expressed　in

religions；　in　sciences；　in　arts；　in　forms　of　government。　　Those

ideals　become　more　and　more　elevated；　and　humanity　advances　to　its

highest　welfare。　　I　am　part　of　humanity；　and　therefore　my　vocation

is　to　forward　the　recognition　and　the　realization　of　the　ideals　of

humanity。〃　　And　at　the　time　of　my　weak…mindedness　I　was　satisfied

with　that；　but　as　soon　as　the　question　of　life　presented　itself

clearly　to　me；　those　theories　immediately　crumbled　away。　　Not　to

speak　of　the　unscrupulous　obscurity　with　which　those　sciences

announce　conclusions　formed　on　the　study　of　a　small　part　of　mankind

as　general　conclusions；　not　to　speak　of　the　mutual　contradictions

of　different　adherents　of　this　view　as　to　what　are　the　ideals　of

humanity；　the　strangeness；　not　to　say　stupidity；　of　the　theory

consists　in　the　fact　that　in　order　to　reply　to　the　question　facing

each　man：　　〃What　am　I？〃　or　〃Why　do　I　live？〃　or　〃What　must　I　do？〃

one　has　first　to　decide　the　question：　〃What　is　the　life　of　the

whole？〃　（which　is　to　him　unknown　and　of　which　he　is　acquainted　with

one　tiny　part　in　one　minute　period　of　time。　　To　understand　what　he

is；　one　man　must　first　understand　all　this　mysterious　humanity；

consisting　of　people　such　as　himself　who　do　not　understand　one

another。

　　　　　I　have　to　confess　that　there　was　a　time　when　I　believed　this。　

It　was　the　time　when　I　had　my　own　favourite　ideals　justifying　my

own　caprices；　and　I　was　trying　to　devise　a　theory　which　would　allow

one　to　consider　my　caprices　as　the　law　of　humanity。　　But　as　soon　as

the　question　of　life　arose　in　my　soul　in　full　clearness　that　reply

at　once　few　to　dust。　　And　I　understood　that　as　in　the　experimental

sciences　there　are　real　sciences；　and　semi…sciences　which　try　to

give　answers　to　questions　beyond　their　competence；　so　in　this

sphere　there　is　a　whole　series　of　most　diffused　sciences　which　try

to　reply　to　irrelevant　questions。　　Semi…sciences　of　that　kind；　the

juridical　and　the　social…historical；　endeavour　to　solve　the

questions　of　a　man's　life　by　pretending　to　decide　each　in　its　own

way；　the　question　of　the　life　of　all　humanity。

　　　　　But　as　in　the　sphere　of　man's　experimental　knowledge　one　who

sincerely　inquires　how　he　is　to　live　cannot　be　satisfied　with　the

reply　　〃Study　in　endless　space　the　mutations；　infinite　in　time

and　in　complexity；　of　innumerable　atoms；　and　then　you　will

understand　your　life〃　　so　also　a　sincere　man　cannot　be　satisfied

with　the　reply：　〃Study　the　whole　life　of　humanity　of　which　we

cannot　know　either　the　beginning　or　the　end；　of　which　we　do　not

even　know　a　small　part；　and　then　you　will　understand　your　own

life。〃　And　like　the　experimental　semi…sciences；　so　these　other

semi…sciences　are　the　more　filled　with　obscurities；　inexactitudes；

stupidities；　and　contradictions；　the　further　they　diverge　from　the

real　problems。　　The　problem　of　experimental　science　is　the　sequence

of　cause　and　effect　in　material　phenomena。　　It　is　only　necessary

for　experimental　science　to　introduce　the　question　of　a　final　cause

for　it　to　become　nonsensical。　　The　problem　of　abstract　science　is

the　recognition　of　the　primordial　essence　of　life。　　It　is　only

necessary　to　introduce　the　investigation　of　consequential　phenomena

（such　as　social　and　historical　phenomena）　and　it　also　becomes

nonsensical。

　　　　　Experimental　science　only　then　gives　positive　knowledge　and

displays　the　greatness　of　the　human　mind　when　it　does　not　introduce

into　its　investigations　the　question　of　an　ultimate　cause。　　And；　on

the　contrary；　abstract　science　is　only　then　science　and　displays

the　greatness　of　the　human　mind　when　it　puts　quite　aside　questions

relating　to　the　consequential　causes　of　phenomena　and　regards　man

solely　in　relation　to　an　ultimate　cause。　　Such　in　this　realm　of

science　　forming　the　pole　of　the　sphere　　is　metaphysics　or

philosophy。　　That　science　states　the　question　clearly：　　〃What　am　I；

and　what　is　the　universe？　　And　why　do　I　exist；　and　why　does　the

universe　exist？〃　　And　since　it　has　existed　it　has　always　replied　in

the　same　way。　　Whether　the　philosopher　calls　the　essence　of　life

existing　within　me；　and　in　all　that　exists；　by　the　name　of　〃idea〃；

or　〃substance〃；　or　〃spirit〃；　or　〃will〃；　he　says　one　and　the　same

thing：　　that　this　essence　exists　and　that　I　am　of　that　same

essence；　but　why　it　is　he　does　not　know；　and　does　not　say；　if　he　is

an　exact　thinker。　　I　ask：　　〃Why　should　this　essence　exist？　　What

results　from　the　fact　that　it　is　and　will　be？〃　。。。　And　philosophy

not　merely　does　not　reply；　but　is　itself　only　asking　that　question。　

And　if　it　is　real　philosophy　all　its　labour　lies　merely　in　trying

to　put　that　question　clearly。　　And　if　it　keeps　firmly　to　its　task

it　cannot　reply　to　the　question　otherwise　than　thus：　　〃What　am　I；

and　what　is　the　universe？〃　　〃All　and　nothing〃；　and　to　the　question

〃Why？〃　by　〃I　do　not　know〃。

　　　　　So　that　however　I　may　turn　these　replies　of　philosophy；　I　can

never　obtain　anything　like　an　answer　　and　not　because；　as　in　the

clear　experimental　sphere；　the　reply　does　not　relate　to　my

question；　but　because　here；　though　all　the　mental　work　is　directed

just　to　my　question；　there　is　no　answer；　but　instead　of　an　answer

one　gets　the　same　question；　only　in　a　complex　form。





　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　
VI



　　　　　In　my　search　for　answers　to　life's　questions　I　experienced

just　what　is　felt　by　a　man　lost　in　a　forest。

　　　　　He　reaches　a　glade；　climbs　a　tree；　and　clearly　sees　the

limitless　distance；　but　sees　that　his　home　is　not　and　cannot　be

there；　then　he　goes　into　the　dark　wood　and　sees　the　darkness；　but

there　also　his　home　is　not。

　　　　　So　I　wandered　n　that　wood　of　human　knowledge；　amid　the　gleams

of　mathematical　and　experimental　science　which　showed　me　clear

horizons　but　in　a　direction　where　there　could　be　no　home；　and　also

amid　the　darkness　of　the　abstract　sciences　where　I　was　immersed