delivered from the presence of something clandestine； with which she
could not interfere so far as to confess knowledge of it。 It had
rendered her uneasy； she had felt shy and uncomfortable。 Once or
twice she had been on the point of saying to Mrs。 Brookes that she
thought her cousin and Eppy very oddly familiar； but had failed of
courage。 It was no wonder therefore that she should be more
cheerful。
CHAPTER XXXVIII。
ARCTURA AND SOPHIA。
About this time her friend； Miss Carmichael； returned from a rather
lengthened visit。 But after the atonement that had taken place
between her and Donal； it was with some anxiety that lady Arctura
looked forward to seeing her。 She shrank from telling her what had
come about through the wonderful poem； as she thought it； which had
so bewitched her。 She shrank too from showing her the verses： they
were not of a kind； she was sure； to meet with recognition from her。
She knew she would make game of them； and that not good…humouredly
like Kate； who yet confessed to some beauty in them。 For herself；
the poem and the study of its growth had ministered so much
nourishment to certain healthy poetic seeds lying hard and dry in
her bosom； that they had begun to sprout； indeed to shoot rapidly
up。 Donal's poem could not fail therefore to be to her thenceforward
something sacred。 A related result also was that it had made her
aware of something very defective in her friend's constitution： she
did not know whether in her constitution mental； moral； or
spiritual： probably it was in all three。 Doubtless； thought Arctura；
she knew most things better than she； and certainly had a great deal
more common sense； but； on the other hand； was she not satisfied
with far less than she could be satisfied with？ To believe as her
friend believed would not save her from insanity！ She must be made
on a smaller scale of necessities than herself！ How was she able to
love the God she said she believed in？ God should at least be as
beautiful as his creature could imagine him！ But Miss Carmichael
would say her poor earthly imagination was not to occupy itself with
such a high subject！ Oh； why would not God tell her something about
himselfsomething directstraight from himself？ Why should she
only hear of him at second handalways and always？
Alas； poor girl！ second hand？ Five hundredth hand rather？ And she
might have been all the time communing with the very God himself；
manifest in his own shape； which is ours also！all the time
learning that her imagination could nevernot to say originate；
but； when presented； receive into it the unspeakable excess of his
loveliness； of his absolute devotion and tenderness to the
creatures； the children of his father！
In the absence of Miss Carmichael she had thought with less
oppression of many things that in her presence appeared
ghastly…hopeless； now in the prospect of her reappearance she began
to feel wicked in daring a thought of her own concerning the God
that was nearer to her than her thoughts！ Such an unhealthy mastery
had she gained over her！ What if they met Donal； and she saw her
smile to him as she always did now！ One thing she was determined
uponand herein lay the pledge of her coming freedom！that she
would not behave to him in the least otherwise than her wont。 If she
would be worthy； she must be straightforward！
Donal and she had never had any further talk； much as she would have
liked it； upon things poetic。 As a matter of supposed dutywhere
she had got the idea I do not knowcertainly not from Miss
Carmichael； seeing she approved of little poetry but that of Young；
Cowper； Pollok； and James Montgomeryshe had been reading the
Paradise Lost； and wished much to speak of it to Donal； but had not
the courage。
When Miss Carmichael came； she at once perceived a difference in
her； and it set her thinking。 She was not one to do or say anything
without thinking over it first。 She had such a thorough confidence
in her judgment； and such a pleasure in exercising it； that she
almost always rejected an impulse。 Judgment was on the throne；
feeling under the footstool。 There was something in Arctura's
carriage which reminded her of the only time when she had stood upon
her rank with her。 This was once she made a remark disparaging a
favourite dog： for the animals Arctura could brave even her
spiritual nightmare： they were not under the wrath and curse like
men and women； therefore might be defended！ She had on that occasion
shown so much offence that Miss Carmichael saw； if she was to keep
her influence over her； she must avoid rousing the phantom of rank
in defence of prejudice。 She was now therefore carefulsaid next to
nothing； but watched her keenly； and not the less slyly that she
looked her straight in the face。 There is an effort to see into the
soul of others that is essentially treacherous； wherever； friendship
being the ostensible bond； inquiry outruns regard； it is
treacheryan endeavour to grasp more than the friend would
knowingly give。
They went for a little walk in the grounds； as they returned they
met Donal going out with Davie。 Arctura and Donal passed with a bow
and a friendly smile； Davie stopped and spoke to the ladies； then
bounded after his friend。
〃Have you attended the scripture…lesson regularly？〃 asked Miss
Carmichael。
〃Yes； I have been absent only once； I think； since you left；〃
replied Arctura。
〃Good； my dear！ You have not been leaving your lamb to the wolf！〃
〃I begin to doubt if he be a wolf。〃
〃Ah！ does he wear his sheepskin so well？ Are you sure he is not
plotting to devour sheep and shepherd together？〃 said Miss
Carmichael； with an open glance of search。
〃Don't you think；〃 suggested Arctura； 〃when you are not able to say
anything； it would be better not to be present？ Your silence looks
like agreement。〃
〃But you can always protest！ You can assert he is all wrong。 You can
say you do not in the least agree with him！〃
〃But what if you are not sure that you do not agree with him？〃
〃I thought as much！〃 said Miss Carmichael to herself。 〃I might have
foreseen this！〃Here she spoke。〃If you are not sure you do agree；
you can say； 'I can't say I agree with you！' It is always safer to
admit little than much。〃
〃I do not quite follow you。 But speaking of little and much； I am
sure I want a great deal more than I know yet to save me。 I have
never yet heard what seems enough。〃
〃Is that to say God has not done his part？〃
〃No； it is only to say that I hope he has done more than I have yet
heard。〃
〃More than send his son to die for your sins？〃
〃More than you say that means。〃
〃You have but to believe Christ did so。〃
〃I don't know that he died for my sins。〃
〃He died for the sins of the whole world。〃
〃Then I must be saved！〃
〃Yes； if you believe that he made atonement for your sins。〃
〃Then I cannot be saved except I believe that I shall be saved。 And
I cannot believe I shall be saved until I know I shall be saved！〃
〃You are cavilling； Arctura！ Ah； this is what you have been learning
of Mr。 Grant！ I ought not to have gone away！〃
〃Nothing of the sort！〃 said Arctura； drawing herself up a little。 〃I
am sorry if I have said anything wrong； but really I can get hold of
nothing！ I feel sometimes as if I should go out of my mind。〃
〃Arctura； I have done my best for you！ If you think you have found a
better teacher； no warning； I fear； will any longer avail！〃
〃If I did think I had found a better teacher； no warning certainly
would； I am only afraid I have not。 But of one thing I am surethat
the things Mr。 Grant teaches are much more to be desired than〃
〃By the unsanctified heart； no doubt！〃 said Sophia。
〃The unsanctified heart；〃 rejoined Arctura； astonished at her own
boldness； and the sense of power and freedom growing in her as she
spoke； 〃surely needs God as much as the sanctified！ But can the
heart be altogether unsanctified that desires to find God so
beautiful and good that it can worship him with its whole power of
love and adoration？ Or is God less beautiful and good than that？〃
〃We ought to worship God whatever he is。〃
〃But could we love him with all our hearts if he were not altogether
lovable？〃
〃He might not be the less to be worshipped though he seemed so to
us。 We must worship his justice as much as his love； his power as
much as his justice。〃
Arctura returned no answer； the words had fallen on her heart like
an ice…berg。 She was not； however； so utterly overwhelmed by them as
she would have been some time before； she thought with herself； 〃I
will ask Mr。 Grant！ I am sure he does not think like that！ Worship
power as much as love！ I begin to think she does not understand what
she is talking about！ If I were to make a creature needing all my
love to make life endurable to him； and then not be kind enough to
him； should I not be cruel？ Would I not be to blame？ Can God be God
and do anything conceivably to blameanything that is not
altogether beautiful？ She tells me we cannot judge what it would be
right for God to do by what it would be right for us to do： if what
seems right to me is not right to God； I must wrong my conscience
and be a sinner in order to serve him！ Then my conscience is not the
voice of God in me！ How then am I made in his image？ What does it
mean？ Ah； but that image has been defaced by the fall！ So I cannot
tell a bit what God is like？ Then how am I to love him？ I never can
love him！ I am very miserable！ I am not God's child！
Thus； long after Miss Carmichael had taken a coldly sorrowful
farewell of her； Arctura went round and round the old mill…horse
rack of her self…questioning： God was not to be trusted in until she
had done something she could not do； upon which he would take her
into his favour； and then she could trust him！ What a God to give
all her heart to； to long for； to dream of being at home with！ Then
she compared Miss Carmichael and Donal Grant； and thought whether
Donal might not be as likely to be right as she。 Oh； where was
assurance； where was certainty about anything！ How was she ever to
know？ What if the thing she came to know for certain should bea
God she could not love！
The next day was Sunday。 Davie and his tut