lives in which I sang with the priests and bards the taboo…songs of
the stars wherein we believed was written our imperishable record。
And here； at the end of it all； I pore over books of astronomy from
the prison library； such as they allow condemned men to read； and
learn that even the heavens are passing fluxes； vexed with star…
driftage as the earth is by the drifts of men。
Equipped with this modern knowledge； I have； returning through the
little death from my earlier lives； been able to compare the heavens
then and now。 And the stars do change。 I have seen pole stars and
pole stars and dynasties of pole stars。 The pole star to…day is in
Ursa Minor。 Yet； in those far days I have seen the pole star in
Draco； in Hercules； in Vega； in Cygnus； and in Cepheus。 No； not
even the stars abide； and yet the memory and the knowledge of them
abides in me； in the spirit of me that is memory and that is
eternal。 Only spirit abides。 All else； being mere matter； passes；
and must pass。
Oh； I do see myself to…day that one man who appeared in the elder
world； blonde； ferocious； a killer and a lover； a meat…eater and a
root…digger； a gypsy and a robber； who； club in hand； through
millenniums of years wandered the world around seeking meat to
devour and sheltered nests for his younglings and sucklings。
I am that man； the sum of him； the all of him； the hairless biped
who struggled upward from the slime and created love and law out of
the anarchy of fecund life that screamed and squalled in the jungle。
I am all that that man was and did become。 I see myself； through
the painful generations； snaring and killing the game and the fish；
clearing the first fields from the forest； making rude tools of
stone and bone； building houses of wood； thatching the roofs with
leaves and straw； domesticating the wild grasses and meadow…roots；
fathering them to become the progenitors of rice and millet and
wheat and barley and all manner of succulent edibles； learning to
scratch the soil； to sow； to reap； to store； beating out the fibres
of plants to spin into thread and to weave into cloth； devising
systems of irrigation； working in metals； making markets and trade…
routes； building boats； and founding navigationay； and organizing
village life； welding villages to villages till they became tribes；
welding tribes together till they became nations； ever seeking the
laws of things； ever making the laws of humans so that humans might
live together in amity and by united effort beat down and destroy
all manner of creeping； crawling； squalling things that might else
destroy them。
I was that man in all his births and endeavours。 I am that man to…
day； waiting my due death by the law that I helped to devise many a
thousand years ago； and by which I have died many times before this；
many times。 And as I contemplate this vast past history of me； I
find several great and splendid influences； and； chiefest of these；
the love of woman； man's love for the woman of his kind。 I see
myself； the one man； the lover； always the lover。 Yes； also was I
the great fighter； but somehow it seems to me as I sit here and
evenly balance it all； that I was； more than aught else； the great
lover。 It was because I loved greatly that I was the great fighter。
Sometimes I think that the story of man is the story of the love of
woman。 This memory of all my past that I write now is the memory of
my love of woman。 Ever； in the ten thousand lives and guises； I
loved her。 I love her now。 My sleep is fraught with her； my waking
fancies； no matter whence they start； lead me always to her。 There
is no escaping her； that eternal； splendid； ever…resplendent figure
of woman。
Oh； make no mistake。 I am no callow； ardent youth。 I am an elderly
man； broken in health and body； and soon to die。 I am a scientist
and a philosopher。 I； as all the generations of philosophers before
me； know woman for what she isher weaknesses； and meannesses； and
immodesties； and ignobilities； her earth…bound feet； and her eyes
that have never seen the stars。 Butand the everlasting；
irrefragable fact remains： HER FEET ARE BEAUTIFUL； HER EYES ARE
BEAUTIFUL； HER ARMS AND BREASTS ARE PARADISE； HER CHARM IS POTENT
BEYOND ALL CHARM THAT HAS EVER DAZZLED MEN； AND； AS THE POLE WILLY…
NILLY DRAWS THE NEEDLE； JUST SO； WILLY…NILLY； DOES SHE DRAW MEN。
Woman has made me laugh at death and distance； scorn fatigue and
sleep。 I have slain men； many men； for love of woman； or in warm
blood have baptized our nuptials or washed away the stain of her
favour to another。 I have gone down to death and dishonour； my
betrayal of my comrades and of the stars black upon me； for woman's
sakefor my sake； rather； I desired her so。 And I have lain in the
barley； sick with yearning for her； just to see her pass and glut my
eyes with the swaying wonder of her and of her hair； black with the
night； or brown or flaxen； or all golden…dusty with the sun。
For woman IS beautiful 。 。 。 to man。 She is sweet to his tongue；
and fragrance in his nostrils。 She is fire in his blood； and a
thunder of trumpets； her voice is beyond all music in his ears； and
she can shake his soul that else stands steadfast in the draughty
presence of the Titans of the Light and of the Dark。 And beyond his
star…gazing； in his far…imagined heavens； Valkyrie or houri； man has
fain made place for her； for he could see no heaven without her。
And the sword； in battle； singing； sings not so sweet a song as the
woman sings to man merely by her laugh in the moonlight； or her
love…sob in the dark； or by her swaying on her way under the sun
while he lies dizzy with longing in the grass。
I have died of love。 I have died for love； as you shall see。 In a
little while they will take me out； me； Darrell Standing； and make
me die。 And that death shall be for love。 Oh； not lightly was I
stirred when I slew Professor Haskell in the laboratory at the
University of California。 He was a man。 I was a man。 And there
was a woman beautiful。 Do you understand？ She was a woman and I
was a man and a lover； and all the heredity of love was mine up from
the black and squalling jungle ere love was love and man was man。
Oh； ay； it is nothing new。 Often； often； in that long past have I
given life and honour； place and power for love。 Man is different
from woman。 She is close to the immediate and knows only the need
of instant things。 We know honour above her honour； and pride
beyond her wildest guess of pride。 Our eyes are far…visioned for
star…gazing； while her eyes see no farther than the solid earth
beneath her feet； the lover's breast upon her breast； the infant
lusty in the hollow of her arm。 And yet； such is our alchemy
compounded of the ages； woman works magic in our dreams and in our
veins； so that more than dreams and far visions and the blood of
life itself is woman to us； who； as lovers truly say； is more than
all the world。 Yet is this just； else would man not be man； the
fighter and the conqueror； treading his red way on the face of all
other and lesser lifefor； had man not been the lover； the royal
lover； he could never have become the kingly fighter。 We fight
best； and die best； and live best； for what we love。
I am that one man。 I see myself the many selves that have gone into
the constituting of me。 And ever I see the woman； the many women；
who have made me and undone me； who have loved me and whom I have
loved。
I remember； oh； long ago when human kind was very young； that I made
me a snare and a pit with a pointed stake upthrust in the middle
thereof； for the taking of Sabre…Tooth。 Sabre…Tooth； long…fanged
and long…haired； was the chiefest peril to us of the squatting
place； who crouched through the nights over our fires and by day
increased the growing shell…bank beneath us by the clams we dug and
devoured from the salt mud…flats beside us。
And when the roar and the squall of Sabre…Tooth roused us where we
squatted by our dying embers； and I was wild with far vision of the
proof of the pit and the stake； it was the woman； arms about me；
leg…twining； who fought with me and restrained me not to go out
through the dark to my desire。 She was part…clad； for warmth only；
in skins of animals； mangy and fireburnt； that I had slain； she was
swart and dirty with camp smoke； unwashed since the spring rains；
with nails gnarled and broken； and hands that were calloused like
footpads and were more like claws than like hands； but her eyes were
blue as the summer sky is； as the deep sea is； and there was that in
her eyes； and in her clasped arms about me； and in her heart beating
against mine； that withheld me 。 。 。 though through the dark until
dawn； while Sabre…Tooth squalled his wrath and his agony； I could
hear my comrades snickering and sniggling to their women in that I
had not the faith in my emprise and invention to venture through the
night to the pit and the stake I had devised for the undoing of
Sabre…Tooth。 But my woman； my savage mate held me； savage that I
was； and her eyes drew me； and her arms chained me； and her twining
legs and heart beating to mine seduced me from my far dream of
things； my man's achievement； the goal beyond goals； the taking and
the slaying of Sabre…Tooth on the stake in the pit。
Once I wan Ushu； the archer。 I remember it well。 For I was lost
from my own people； through the great forest； till I emerged on the
flat lands and grass lands； and was taken in by a strange people；
kin in that their skin was white； their hair yellow； their speech
not too remote from mine。 And she was Igar； and I drew her as I
sang in the twilight； for she was destined a race…mother； and she
was broad…built and full…dugged； and she could not but draw to the
man heavy…muscled； deep…chested； who sang of his prowess in man…
slaying and in meat…getting； and so； promised food an