the secret places of the heart- 第7部分

tten　village　crouching　under　the　lee　of　the　great　sea　wall。　At　low　water　there　were　miles　of　sand　as　smooth　and　shining　as　the　skin　of　a　savage　brown　woman。　Shining　and　with　a　texturethe　very　same。　And　one　day　as　I　was　mucking　about　by　myself　on　the　beach；　boy　fashion；there　were　some　ribs　of　a　wrecked　boat　buried　in　the　sand　near　a　groin　and　I　was　busy　with　thema　girl　ran　out　from　a　tent　high　up　on　the　beach　and　across　the　sands　to　the　water。　She　was　dressed　in　a　tight　bathing　dress　and　not　in　the　clumsy　skirts　and　frills　that　it　was　the　custom　to　inflict　on　women　in　those　days。　Her　hair　was　tied　up　in　a　blue　handkerchief。　She　ran　swiftly　and　gracefully；　intent　upon　the　white　line　of　foam　ahead。　I　can　still　remember　how　the　sunlight　touched　her　round　neck　and　cheek　as　she　went　past　me。　She　was　the　loveliest；　most　shapely　thing　I　have　ever　seento　this　day。　She　lifted　up　her　arms　and　thrust　through　the　dazzling　white　and　green　breakers　and　plunged　into　the　water　and　swam；　she　swam　straight　out　for　a　long　way　as　it　seemed　to　me；　and　presently　came　in　and　passed　me　again　on　her　way　back　to　her　tent；　light　and　swift　and　sure。　The　very　prints　of　her　feet　on　the　sand　were　beautiful。　Suddenly　I　realized　that　there　could　be　living　people　in　the　world　as　lovely　as　any　goddess。　。　。　。　She　wasn't　in　the　least　out　of　breath。　〃That　was　my　first　human　love。　And　I　love　that　girl　still。　I　doubt　sometimes　whether　I　have　ever　loved　anyone　else。　I　kept　the　thing　very　secret。　I　wonder　now　why　I　have　kept　the　thing　so　secret。　Until　now　I　have　never　told　a　soul　about　it。　I　resorted　to　all　sorts　of　tortuous　devices　and　excuses　to　get　a　chance　of　seeing　her　again　without　betraying　what　it　was　I　was　after。〃　Dr。　Martineau　retained　a　simple　fondness　for　a　story。　〃And　did　you　meet　her　again？〃　〃Never。　Of　course　I　may　have　seen　her　as　a　dressed…up　person　and　not　recognized　her。　A　day　or　so　later　I　was　stabbed　to　the　heart　by　the　discovery　that　the　tent　she　came　out　of　had　been　taken　away。　〃　〃She　had　gone？〃　〃For　ever。〃　Sir　Richmond　smiled　brightly　at　the　doctor's　disappointment。　Section　3　〃I　was　never　wholehearted　and　simple　about　sexual　things；〃　Sir　Richmond　resumed　presently。　〃Never。　I　do　not　think　any　man　is。　We　are　too　much　plastered…up　things；　too　much　the　creatures　of　a　tortuous　and　complicated　evolution。〃　Dr。　Martineau；　under　his　green　umbrella；　nodded　his　conceded　agreement。　〃Thiswhat　shall　I　call　it？this　Dream　of　Women；　grew　up　in　my　mind　as　I　grew　upas　something　independent　of　and　much　more　important　than　the　reality　of　Women。　It　came　only　very　slowly　into　relation　with　that。　That　girl　on　the　Dymchurch　beach　was　one　of　the　first　links；　but　she　ceased　very　speedily　to　be　realshe　joined　the　women　of　dreamland　at　last　altogether。　She　became　a　sort　of　legendary　incarnation。　I　thought　of　these　dream　women　not　only　as　something　beautiful　but　as　something　exceedingly　kind　and　helpful。　The　girls　and　women　I　met　belonged　to　a　different　creation。　。　。　。〃　Sir　Richmond　stopped　abruptly　and　rowed　a　few　long　strokes。　Dr。　Martineau　sought　information。　〃I　suppose；〃　he　said；　〃there　was　a　sensuous　element　in　these　dreamings？〃　〃Certainly。　A　very　strong　one。　It　didn't　dominate　but　it　was　a　very　powerful　undertow。〃　〃Was　there　any　tendency　in　all　this　imaginative　stuff　to　concentrate？　To　group　itself　about　a　single　figure；　the　sort　of　thing　that　Victorians　would　have　called　an　ideal？〃　〃Not　a　bit　of　it；〃　said　Sir　Richmond　with　conviction。　〃There　was　always　a　tremendous　lot　of　variety　in　my　mind。　In　fact　the　thing　I　liked　least　in　the　real　world　was　the　way　it　was　obsessed　by　the　idea　of　pairing　off　with　one　particular　set　and　final　person。　I　liked　to　dream　of　a　blonde　goddess　in　her　own　Venusberg　one　day；　and　the　next　I　would　be　off　over　the　mountains　with　an　armed　Brunhild。〃　〃You　had　little　thought　of　children？〃　〃As　a　young　man？〃　〃Yes。〃　〃None　at　all。　I　cannot　recall　a　single　philoprogenitive　moment。　These　dream　women　were　all　conceived　of；　and　I　was　conceived　of；　as　being　concerned　in　some　tremendous　enterprisesomething　quite　beyond　domesticity。　It　kept　us　relatedgave　us　dignity。　。　。　。　Certainly　it　wasn't　babies。〃　〃All　this　is　very　interesting；　very　interesting；　from　the　scientific　point　of　view。　A　PRIORI　it　is　not　what　one　might　have　expected。　Reasoning　from　the　idea　that　all　instincts　and　natural　imaginations　are　adapted　to　a　biological　end　and　seeing　that　sex　is　essentially　a　method　of　procreation；　one　might　reasonably　expect　a　convergence；　if　not　a　complete　concentration；　upon　the　idea　of　offspring。　It　is　almost　as　if　there　were　other　ends　to　be　served。　It　is　clear　that　Nature　has　not　worked　this　impulse　out　to　any　sight　of　its　end。　Has　not　perhaps　troubled　to　do　so。　The　instinct　of　the　male　for　the　female　isn't　primarily　for　offspringnot　even　in　the　most　intelligent　and　farseeing　types。　The　desire　just　points　to　glowing　satisfactions　and　illusions。　Quite　equally　I　think　the　desire　of　the　female　for　the　male　ignores　its　end。　Nature　has　set　about　this　business　in　a　CHEAP　sort　of　way。　She　is　like　some　pushful　advertising　tradesman。　She　isn't　frank　with　us；　she　just　humbugs　us　into　what　she　wants　with　us。　All　very　well　in　the　early　Stone　Agewhen　the　poor　dear　things　never　realized　that　their　mutual　endearments　meant　all　the　troubles　and　responsibilities　of　parentage。　But　NOW！〃　He　shook　his　head　sideways　and　twirled　the　green　umbrella　like　an　animated　halo　around　his　large　broad…minded　face。　Sir　Richmond　considered。　〃Desire　has　never　been　the　chief　incentive　of　my　relations　with　women。　Never。　So　far　as　I　can　analyze　the　thing；　it　has　been　a　craving　for　a　particular　sort　of　life　giving　companionship。〃　〃That　I　take　it　is　Nature's　device　to　keep　the　lovers　together　in　the　interest　of　the　more　or　less　unpremeditated　offspring。〃　〃A　poor　device；　if　that　is　its　end。　It　doesn't　keep　parents　together；　more　often　it　tears　them　apart。　The　wife　or　the　mistress；　so　soon　as　she　is　encumbered　with　children；　becomes　all　too　manifestly　not　the　companion　goddess。　。　。　。〃　Sir　Richmond　brooded　over　his　sculls　and　thought。　〃Throughout　my　life　I　have　been　an　exceedingly　busy　man。　I　have　done　a　lot　of　scientific　work　and　some　of　it　has　been　very　good　work。　And　very　laborious　work。　I've　travelled　much。　I've　organized　great　business　developments。　You　might　think　that　my　time　has　been　fairly　well　filled　without　much　philandering。　And　all　the　time；　all　the　time；　I've　been　about　womenlike　a　thirsty　beast　looking　for　water。　。　。　。　Always。　Always。　All　through　my　life。〃　Dr。　Martineau　waited　through　another　silence。　〃I　was　very　grave　about　it　at　first。　I　married　young。　I　married　very　simply　and　purely。　I　was　not　one　of　those　young　men　who　sow　a　large　crop　of　wild　oats。　I　was　a　fairly　decent　youth。　It　suddenly　appeared　to　me　that　a　certain　smiling　and　dainty　girl　could　make　herself　into　all　the　goddesses　of　my　dreams。　I　had　but　to　win　her　and　this　miracle　would　occur。　Of　course　I　forget　now　the　exact　things　I　thought　and　felt　then；　but　surely　I　had　some　such　persuasion。　Or　why　should　I　have　married　her？　My　wife　was　seven　years　younger　than　myself；a　girl　of　twenty。　She　was　charming。　She　is　charming。　She　is　a　wonderfully　intelligent　and　understanding　woman。　She　has　made　a　home　for　mea　delightful　home。　I　am　one　of　those　men　who　have　no　instinct　for　home　making。　I　owe　my　home　and　all　the　comfort　and　dignity　of　my　life　to　her　ability。　I　have　no　excuse　for　any　misbehaviourso　far　as　she　is　concerned。　None　at　all。　By　all　the　rules　I　should　have　been　completely　happy。　But　instead　of　my　marriage　satisfying　me；　it　presently　released　a　storm　of　long…controlled　desires　and　imprisoned　cravings。　A　voice　within　me　became　more　and　more　urgent。　'This　will　not　do。　This　is　not　love。　Where　are　your　goddesses？　This　is　not　love。'　。　。　。　And　I　was　unfaithful　to　my　wife　within　four　years　of　my　marriage。　It　was　a　sudden　overpowering　impulse。　But　I　suppose　the　ground　had　been　preparing　for　a　long　time。　I　forget　now　all　the　emotions　of　that　adventure。　I　suppose　at　the　time　it　seemed　beautiful　and　wonderful。　。　。　。　I　do　not　excuse　myself。　Still　less　do　I　condemn　myself。　I　put　the　facts　before　you。　So　it　was。〃　〃There　were　no　children　by　your　marriage？〃　〃Your　line　of　thought；　doctor；　is　too　philoprogenitive。　We　have　had　three。　My　daughter　was　married　two　years　ago。　She　is　in　America。　One　little　boy　died　when　he　was　three。　The　other　is　in　India；　taking　up　the　Mardipore　power　scheme　again　now　that　he　is　out　of　the　army。　。　。　。　No；　it　is　simply　that　I　was　hopelessly　disappointed　with　everything　that　a　good　woman　and　a　decent　marriage　had　to　give　me。　Pure　disappointment　and　vexation。　The　anti…climax　to　an　immense　expectation　built　up　throughout　an　imaginative　boyhood　and　youth　and　early　manhood。　I　was　shocked　and　ashamed　at　my　own　disappointment。　I　thought　it　mean　and　base。　Nevertheless　this　orderly　household　into　which　I　had　placed　my　life；　these　almost　methodical　connubialities　。　。　。　。〃　He　broke　off　in　mid…sentence。　Dr。　Martineau　shook　his　head　disapprovingly。　〃No；〃　he　said；　〃it　wasn't　fair　to　your　wife。〃　〃It　was　shockingly　unfair。　I　have　always　realized　that。　I've　done　what　I　could　to　make　things　up　to　her。　。　。　。　Heaven　knows　what　counter　disappointments　she　has　concealed。　。　。　。　But　it　is　no　good　arguing　about　rights　and　wrongs　now。　This　is　not　an　apology　for　my　life。　I　am　telling　you　what　happened。　〃Not　for　me　to　judge；〃　said　Dr。　Martineau。　〃Go　on。〃　〃By　marrying　I　had　got　nothing　that　my　soul　craved　for；　I　had　satisfied　none　but　the　most　transitory　desires　and　I　had　incurred　a　tremendous　obligation。　That　obligation　didn't　restrain　me　from　making　desperate　lunges　at　something　vaguely　beautiful　that　I　felt　was　necessary　to　me；　but　it　did　cramp　and　limit　these　lunges。　So　my　story　flops　down　into　the　comedy　of　the　lying；　cramped　intrigues　of　a　respectable；　married　man。　。　。I　was　still　driven　by　my　dream　of　some　extravagantly　beautiful　inspiration　called　love　and　I　sought　it　like　an　area　sneak。　Gods！　What　a　story　it　is　when　one　brings　it　all　together！　I　couldn't　believe　that　the　glow　and　sweetness　I　dreamt　of　were　not　in　the　worldsomewhere。　Hidden　away　from　me。　I　seemed　to　catch　glimpses　of　the　dear　lost　thing；　now　in　the　corners　of　a　smiling　mouth；　now　in　dark　eyes　beneath　a　black　smoke　of　hair；　now　in　a　slim　form　seen　against　the　sky。　Often　I　cared　nothing　fo