the magic skin- 第15部分

feelings　if　I　do　not　relate　the　facts　that　insensibly　shaped　my

character；　made　me　timid；　and　prolonged　the　period　of　youthful

simplicity？　In　this　manner　I　cowered　under　as　strict　a　despotism　as　a

monarch's　till　I　came　of　age。　To　depict　the　tedium　of　my　life；　it　will

be　perhaps　enough　to　portray　my　father　to　you。　He　was　tall；　thin；　and

slight；　with　a　hatchet　face；　and　pale　complexion；　a　man　of　few　words；

fidgety　as　an　old　maid；　exacting　as　a　senior　clerk。　His　paternal

solicitude　hovered　over　my　merriment　and　gleeful　thoughts；　and　seemed

to　cover　them　with　a　leaden　pall。　Any　effusive　demonstration　on　my

part　was　received　by　him　as　a　childish　absurdity。　I　was　far　more

afraid　of　him　than　I　had　been　of　any　of　our　masters　at　school。



〃I　seem　to　see　him　before　me　at　this　moment。　In　his　chestnut…brown

frock…coat　he　looked　like　a　red　herring　wrapped　up　in　the　cover　of　a

pamphlet；　and　he　held　himself　as　erect　as　an　Easter　candle。　But　I　was

fond　of　my　father；　and　at　heart　he　was　right　enough。　Perhaps　we　never

hate　severity　when　it　has　its　source　in　greatness　of　character　and

pure　morals；　and　is　skilfully　tempered　with　kindness。　My　father；　it　is

true；　never　left　me　a　moment　to　myself；　and　only　when　I　was　twenty

years　old　gave　me　so　much　as　ten　francs　of　my　own；　ten　knavish

prodigals　of　francs；　such　a　hoard　as　I　had　long　vainly　desired；　which

set　me　a…dreaming　of　unutterable　felicity；　yet；　for　all　that　he　sought

to　procure　relaxations　for　me。　When　he　had　promised　me　a　treat

beforehand；　he　would　take　me　to　Les　Boufoons；　or　to　a　concert　or　ball；

where　I　hoped　to　find　a　mistress。　。　。　。　A　mistress！　that　meant

independence。　But　bashful　and　timid　as　I　was；　knowing　nobody；　and

ignorant　of　the　dialect　of　drawing…rooms；　I　always　came　back　as

awkward　as　ever；　and　swelling　with　unsatisfied　desires；　to　be　put　in

harness　like　a　troop　horse　next　day　by　my　father；　and　to　return　with

morning　to　my　advocate；　the　Palais　de　Justice；　and　the　law。　To　have

swerved　from　the　straight　course　which　my　father　had　mapped　out　for

me；　would　have　drawn　down　his　wrath　upon　me；　at　my　first　delinquency；

he　threatened　to　ship　me　off　as　a　cabin…boy　to　the　Antilles。　A

dreadful　shiver　ran　through　me　if　I　had　ventured　to　spend　a　couple　of

hours　in　some　pleasure　party。



〃Imagine　the　most　wandering　imagination　and　passionate　temperament；

the　tenderest　soul　and　most　artistic　nature；　dwelling　continually　in

the　presence　of　the　most　flint…hearted；　atrabilious；　and　frigid　man　on

earth；　think　of　me　as　a　young　girl　married　to　a　skeleton；　and　you　will

understand　the　life　whose　curious　scenes　can　only　be　a　hearsay　tale　to

you；　the　plans　for　running　away　that　perished　at　the　sight　of　my

father；　the　despair　soothed　by　slumber；　the　dark　broodings　charmed

away　by　music。　I　breathed　my　sorrows　forth　in　melodies。　Beethoven　or

Mozart　would　keep　my　confidences　sacred。　Nowadays；　I　smile　at

recollections　of　the　scruples　which　burdened　my　conscience　at　that

epoch　of　innocence　and　virtue。



〃If　I　set　foot　in　a　restaurant；　I　gave　myself　up　for　lost；　my　fancy

led　me　to　look　on　a　cafe　as　a　disreputable　haunt；　where　men　lost　their

characters　and　embarrassed　their　fortunes；　as　for　engaging　in　play；　I

had　not　the　money　to　risk。　Oh；　if　I　needed　to　send　you　to　sleep；　I

would　tell　you　about　one　of　the　most　frightful　pleasures　of　my　life；

one　of　those　pleasures　with　fangs　that　bury　themselves　in　the　heart　as

the　branding…iron　enters　the　convict's　shoulder。　I　was　at　a　ball　at

the　house　of　the　Duc　de　Navarreins；　my　father's　cousin。　But　to　make　my

position　the　more　perfectly　clear；　you　must　know　that　I　wore　a

threadbare　coat；　ill…fitting　shoes；　a　tie　fit　for　a　stableman；　and　a

soiled　pair　of　gloves。　I　shrank　into　a　corner　to　eat　ices　and　watch

the　pretty　faces　at　my　leisure。　My　father　noticed　me。　Actuated　by　some

motive　that　I　did　not　fathom；　so　dumfounded　was　I　by　this　act　of

confidence；　he　handed　me　his　keys　and　purse　to　keep。　Ten　paces　away

some　men　were　gambling。　I　heard　the　rattling　of　gold；　I　was　twenty

years　old；　I　longed　to　be　steeped　for　one　whole　day　in　the　follies　of

my　time　of　life。　It　was　a　license　of　the　imagination　that　would　find　a

parallel　neither　in　the　freaks　of　courtesans；　nor　in　the　dreams　of

young　girls。　For　a　year　past　I　had　beheld　myself　well　dressed；　in　a

carriage；　with　a　pretty　woman　by　my　side；　playing　the　great　lord；

dining　at　Very's；　deciding　not　to　go　back　home　till　the　morrow；　but

was　prepared　for　my　father　with　a　plot　more　intricate　than　the

Marriage　of　Figaro；　which　he　could　not　possibly　have　unraveled。　All

this　bliss　would　cost；　I　estimated；　fifty　crowns。　Was　it　not　the

artless　idea　of　playing　truant　that　still　had　charms　for　me？



〃I　went　into　a　small　adjoining　room；　and　when　alone　counted　my

father's　money　with　smarting　eyes　and　trembling　fingersa　hundred

crowns！　The　joys　of　my　escapade　rose　before　me　at　the　thought　of　the

amount；　joys　that　flitted　about　me　like　Macbeth's　witches　round　their

caldron；　joys　how　alluring！　how　thrilling！　how　delicious！　I　became　a

deliberate　rascal。　I　heeded　neither　my　tingling　ears　nor　the　violent

beating　of　my　heart；　but　took　out　two　twenty…franc　pieces　that　I　seem

to　see　yet。　The　dates　had　been　erased；　and　Bonaparte's　head　simpered

upon　them。　After　I　had　put　back　the　purse　in　my　pocket；　I　returned　to

the　gaming…table　with　the　two　pieces　of　gold　in　the　palms　of　my　damp

hands；　prowling　about　the　players　like　a　sparrow…hawk　round　a　coop　of

chickens。　Tormented　by　inexpressible　terror；　I　flung　a　sudden

clairvoyant　glance　round　me；　and　feeling　quite　sure　that　I　was　seen　by

none　of　my　acquaintance；　betted　on　a　stout；　jovial　little　man；　heaping

upon　his　head　more　prayers　and　vows　than　are　put　up　during　two　or

three　storms　at　sea。　Then；　with　an　intuitive　scoundrelism；　or

Machiavelism；　surprising　in　one　of　my　age；　I　went　and　stood　in　the

door；　and　looked　about　me　in　the　rooms；　though　I　saw　nothing；　for　both

mind　and　eyes　hovered　about　that　fateful　green　cloth。



〃That　evening　fixes　the　date　of　a　first　observation　of　a　physiological

kind；　to　it　I　owe　a　kind　of　insight　into　certain　mysteries　of　our

double　nature　that　I　have　since　been　enabled　to　penetrate。　I　had　my

back　turned　on　the　table　where　my　future　felicity　lay　at　stake；　a

felicity　but　so　much　the　more　intense　that　it　was　criminal。　Between　me

and　the　players　stood　a　wall　of　onlookers　some　five　feet　deep；　who

were　chatting；　the　murmur　of　voices　drowned　the　clinking　of　gold；

which　mingled　in　the　sounds　sent　up　by　this　orchestra；　yet；　despite

all　obstacles；　I　distinctly　heard　the　words　of　the　two　players　by　a

gift　accorded　to　the　passions；　which　enables　them　to　annihilate　time

and　space。　I　saw　the　points　they　made；　I　knew　which　of　the　two　turned

up　the　king　as　well　as　if　I　had　actually　seen　the　cards；　at　a　distance

of　ten　paces；　in　short；　the　fortunes　of　play　blanched　my　face。



〃My　father　suddenly　went　by；　and　then　I　knew　what　the　Scripture　meant

by　'The　Spirit　of　God　passed　before　his　face。'　I　had　won。　I　slipped

through　the　crowd　of　men　who　had　gathered　about　the　players　with　the

quickness　of　an　eel　escaping　through　a　broken　mesh　in　a　net。　My　nerves

thrilled　with　joy　instead　of　anguish。　I　felt　like　some　criminal　on　the

way　to　torture　released　by　a　chance　meeting　with　the　king。　It　happened

that　a　man　with　a　decoration　found　himself　short　by　forty　francs。

Uneasy　eyes　suspected　me；　I　turned　pale；　and　drops　of　perspiration

stood　on　my　forehead；　I　was　well　punished；　I　thought；　for　having

robbed　my　father。　Then　the　kind　little　stout　man　said；　in　a　voice　like

an　angel's　surely；　'All　these　gentlemen　have　paid　their　stakes；'　and

put　down　the　forty　francs　himself。　I　raised　my　head　in　triumph　upon

the　players。　After　I　had　returned　the　money　I　had　taken　from　it　to　my

father's　purse；　I　left　my　winnings　with　that　honest　and　worthy

gentleman；　who　continued　to　win。　As　soon　as　I　found　myself　possessed

of　a　hundred　and　sixty　francs；　I　wrapped　them　up　in　my　handkerchief；

so　that　they　could　neither　move　or　rattle　on　the　way　back；　and　I

played　no　more。



〃　'What　were　you　doing　at　the　card…table？'　said　my　father　as　we

stepped　into　the　carriage。



〃　'I　was　looking　on；'　I　answered；　trembling。



〃　'But　it　would　have　been　nothing　out　of　the　common　if　you　had　been

prompted　by　self…love　to　put　some　money　down　on　the　table。　In　the　eyes

of　men　of　the　world　you　are　quite　old　enough　to　assume　the　right　to

commit　such　follies。　So　I　should　have　pardoned　you；　Raphael；　if　you

had　made　use　of　my　purse。　。　。　。　。'



〃I　did　not　answer。　When　we　reached　home；　I　returned　the　keys　and　money

to　my　father。　As　he　entered　his　study；　he　emptied　out　his　purse　on　the

mantelpiece；　counted　the　money；　and　turned　to　me　with　a　kindly　look；

saying　with　more　or　less　long　and　significant　pauses　between　each

phrase：



〃　'My　boy；　you　are　very　nearly　twenty　now。　I　am　satisfied　with　you。

You　ought　to　have　an　allowance；　if　only　to　teach　you　how　to　lay　it

out；　and　to　gain　some　acquaintance　with　everyday　business。

Henceforward　I　shall　let　you　have　a　hundred　francs　each　month。　Here　is

your　first　quarter's　income　for　this　year；'　he　added；　fingering　a　pile

of　gold；　as　if　to　make　sure　that　the　amount　was　correct。　'Do　what　you

please　with　it。'



〃I　confess　that　I　was　ready　to　fling　myself　at　his　feet；　to　tell　him

that　I　was　a　thief；　a　scoundrel；　and；　worse　than　all；　a　liar！　But　a

feeling　of　shame　held　me　back。　I　went　up　to　him　for　an　embrace；　but　he

gently　pushed　me　away。



〃　'You　are　a　man　now；　MY　CHILD；'　he　said。　'What　I　have　just　done　was　a

very　proper　and　simple　thing；　for　which　there　is　no　need　to　thank　me。

If　I　have　any　claim　to　your　gratitude；　Raphael；'　he　went　on；　in　a　kind

but　dignified　way；　'it　is　because　I　have　preserved　your　youth　from　the

evils　that　destroy　young　men　in　Paris。　We　will　be　two　friends

henceforth。　In　a　year's　time　you　will　be　a　doctor　of　law。　Not　without

some　hardship　and　privations　you　hav