the magic skin- 第18部分

await　a　brilliant　and　splendid　new　birth。　I　imperiled　my　life　in　order

to　live。　By　reducing　my　requirements　to　real　needs　and　the　barest

necessaries；　I　found　that　three　hundred　and　sixty…five　francs　sufficed

for　a　year　of　penury；　and；　in　fact；　I　managed　to　exist　on　that　slender

sum；　so　long　as　I　submitted　to　my　own　claustral　discipline。〃



〃Impossible！〃　cried　Emile。



〃I　lived　for　nearly　three　years　in　that　way；〃　Raphael　answered；　with　a

kind　of　pride。　〃Let　us　reckon　it　out。　Three　sous　for　bread；　two　for

milk；　and　three　for　cold　meat；　kept　me　from　dying　of　hunger；　and　my

mind　in　a　state　of　peculiar　lucidity。　I　have　observed；　as　you　know；

the　wonderful　effects　produced　by　diet　upon　the　imagination。　My

lodgings　cost　me　three　sous　daily；　I　burnt　three　sous　more　in　oil　at

night；　I　did　my　own　housework；　and　wore　flannel　shirts　so　as　to　reduce

the　laundress'　bill　to　two　sous　per　day。　The　money　I　spent　yearly　in

coal；　if　divided　up；　never　cost　more　than　two　sous　for　each　day。　I　had

three　years'　supply　of　clothing；　and　I　only　dressed　when　going　out　to

some　library　or　public　lecture。　These　expenses；　all　told；　only

amounted　to　eighteen　sous；　so　two　were　left　over　for　emergencies。　I

cannot　recollect；　during　that　long　period　of　toil；　either　crossing　the

Pont　des　Arts；　or　paying　for　water；　I　went　out　to　fetch　it　every

morning　from　the　fountain　in　the　Place　Saint　Michel；　at　the　corner　of

the　Rue　de　Gres。　Oh；　I　wore　my　poverty　proudly。　A　man　urged　on　towards

a　fair　future　walks　through　life　like　an　innocent　person　to　his　death；

he　feels　no　shame　about　it。



〃I　would　not　think　of　illness。　Like　Aquilina；　I　faced　the　hospital

without　terror。　I　had　not　a　moment's　doubt　of　my　health；　and　besides；

the　poor　can　only　take　to　their　beds　to　die。　I　cut　my　own　hair　till

the　day　when　an　angel　of　love　and　kindness　。　。　。　But　I　do　not　want　to

anticipate　the　state　of　things　that　I　shall　reach　later。　You　must

simply　know　that　I　lived　with　one　grand　thought　for　a　mistress；　a

dream；　an　illusion　which　deceives　us　all　more　or　less　at　first。　To…day

I　laugh　at　myself；　at　that　self；　holy　perhaps　and　heroic；　which　is　now

no　more。　I　have　since　had　a　closer　view　of　society　and　the　world；　of

our　manners　and　customs；　and　seen　the　dangers　of　my　innocent　credulity

and　the　superfluous　nature　of　my　fervent　toil。　Stores　of　that　sort　are

quite　useless　to　aspirants　for　fame。　Light　should　be　the　baggage　of

seekers　after　fortune！



〃Ambitious　men　spend　their　youth　in　rendering　themselves　worthy　of

patronage；　it　is　their　great　mistake。　While　the　foolish　creatures　are

laying　in　stores　of　knowledge　and　energy；　so　that　they　shall　not　sink

under　the　weight　of　responsible　posts　that　recede　from　them；　schemers

come　and　go　who　are　wealthy　in　words　and　destitute　in　ideas；　astonish

the　ignorant；　and　creep　into　the　confidence　of　those　who　have　a　little

knowledge。　While　the　first　kind　study；　the　second　march　ahead；　the　one

sort　is　modest；　and　the　other　impudent；　the　man　of　genius　is　silent

about　his　own　merits；　but　these　schemers　make　a　flourish　of　theirs；

and　they　are　bound　to　get　on。　It　is　so　strongly　to　the　interest　of　men

in　office　to　believe　in　ready…made　capacity；　and　in　brazen…faced

merit；　that　it　is　downright　childish　of　the　learned　to　expect　material

rewards。　I　do　not　seek　to　paraphrase　the　commonplace　moral；　the　song

of　songs　that　obscure　genius　is　for　ever　singing；　I　want　to　come；　in　a

logical　manner；　by　the　reason　of　the　frequent　successes　of　mediocrity。

Alas！　study　shows　us　such　a　mother's　kindness　that　it　would　be　a　sin

perhaps　to　ask　any　other　reward　of　her　than　the　pure　and　delightful

pleasures　with　which　she　sustains　her　children。



〃Often　I　remember　soaking　my　bread　in　milk；　as　I　sat　by　the　window　to

take　the　fresh　air；　while　my　eyes　wandered　over　a　view　of　roofs

brown；　gray；　or　red；　slated　or　tiled；　and　covered　with　yellow　or　green

mosses。　At　first　the　prospect　may　have　seemed　monotonous；　but　I　very

soon　found　peculiar　beauties　in　it。　Sometimes　at　night；　streams　of

light　through　half…closed　shutters　would　light　up　and　color　the　dark

abysses　of　this　strange　landscape。　Sometimes　the　feeble　lights　of　the

street　lamps　sent　up　yellow　gleams　through　the　fog；　and　in　each　street

dimly　outlined　the　undulations　of　a　crowd　of　roofs；　like　billows　in　a

motionless　sea。　Very　occasionally；　too；　a　face　appeared　in　this　gloomy

waste；　above　the　flowers　in　some　skyey　garden　I　caught　a　glimpse　of　an

old　woman's　crooked　angular　profile　as　she　watered　her　nasturtiums；

or；　in　a　crazy　attic　window；　a　young　girl；　fancying　herself　quite

alone　as　she　dressed　herselfa　view　of　nothing　more　than　a　fair

forehead　and　long　tresses　held　above　her　by　a　pretty　white　arm。



〃I　liked　to　see　the　short…lived　plant…life　in　the　gutterspoor　weeds

that　a　storm　soon　washed　away。　I　studied　the　mosses；　with　their　colors

revived　by　showers；　or　transformed　by　the　sun　into　a　brown　velvet　that

fitfully　caught　the　light。　Such　things　as　these　formed　my　recreations

the　passing　poetic　moods　of　daylight；　the　melancholy　mists；　sudden

gleams　of　sunlight；　the　silence　and　the　magic　of　night；　the　mysteries

of　dawn；　the　smoke　wreaths　from　each　chimney；　every　chance　event；　in

fact；　in　my　curious　world　became　familiar　to　me。　I　came　to　love　this

prison　of　my　own　choosing。　This　level　Parisian　prairie　of　roofs；

beneath　which　lay　populous　abysses；　suited　my　humor；　and　harmonized

with　my　thoughts。



〃Sudden　descents　into　the　world　from　the　divine　height　of　scientific

meditation　are　very　exhausting；　and；　besides；　I　had　apprehended

perfectly　the　bare　life　of　the　cloister。　When　I　made　up　my　mind　to

carry　out　this　new　plan　of　life；　I　looked　for　quarters　in　the　most

out…of…the…way　parts　of　Paris。　One　evening；　as　I　returned　home　to　the

Rue　des　Cordiers　from　the　Place　de　l'Estrapade；　I　saw　a　girl　of

fourteen　playing　with　a　battledore　at　the　corner　of　the　Rue　de　Cluny；

her　winsome　ways　and　laughter　amused　the　neighbors。　September　was　not

yet　over；　it　was　warm　and　fine；　so　that　women　sat　chatting　before

their　doors　as　if　it　were　a　fete…day　in　some　country　town。　At　first　I

watched　the　charming　expression　of　the　girl's　face　and　her　graceful

attitudes；　her　pose　fit　for　a　painter。　It　was　a　pretty　sight。　I　looked

about　me；　seeking　to　understand　this　blithe　simplicity　in　the　midst　of

Paris；　and　saw　that　the　street　was　a　blind　alley　and　but　little

frequented。　I　remembered　that　Jean　Jacques　had　once　lived　here；　and

looked　up　the　Hotel　Saint…Quentin。　Its　dilapidated　condition　awakened

hopes　of　a　cheap　lodging；　and　I　determined　to　enter。



〃I　found　myself　in　a　room　with　a　low　ceiling；　the　candles；　in　classic…

looking　copper　candle…sticks；　were　set　in　a　row　under　each　key。　The

predominating　cleanliness　of　the　room　made　a　striking　contrast　to　the

usual　state　of　such　places。　This　one　was　as　neat　as　a　bit　of　genre；

there　was　a　charming　trimness　about　the　blue　coverlet；　the　cooking

pots　and　furniture。　The　mistress　of　the　house　rose　and　came　to　me。　She

seemed　to　be　about　forty　years　of　age；　sorrows　had　left　their　traces

on　her　features；　and　weeping　had　dimmed　her　eyes。　I　deferentially

mentioned　the　amount　I　could　pay；　it　seemed　to　cause　her　no　surprise；

she　sought　out　a　key　from　the　row；　went　up　to　the　attics　with　me；　and

showed　me　a　room　that　looked　out　on　the　neighboring　roofs　and　courts；

long　poles　with　linen　drying　on　them　hung　out　of　the　window。



〃Nothing　could　be　uglier　than　this　garret；　awaiting　its　scholar；　with

its　dingy　yellow　walls　and　odor　of　poverty。　The　roofing　fell　in　a

steep　slope；　and　the　sky　was　visible　through　chinks　in　the　tiles。

There　was　room　for　a　bed；　a　table；　and　a　few　chairs；　and　beneath　the

highest　point　of　the　roof　my　piano　could　stand。　Not　being　rich　enough

to　furnish　this　cage　（that　might　have　been　one　of　the　Piombi　of

Venice）；　the　poor　woman　had　never　been　able　to　let　it；　and　as　I　had

saved　from　the　recent　sale　the　furniture　that　was　in　a　fashion

peculiarly　mine；　I　very　soon　came　to　terms　with　my　landlady；　and　moved

in　on　the　following　day。



〃For　three　years　I　lived　in　this　airy　sepulchre；　and　worked

unflaggingly　day　and　night；　and　so　great　was　the　pleasure　that　study

seemed　to　me　the　fairest　theme　and　the　happiest　solution　of　life。　The

tranquillity　and　peace　that　a　scholar　needs　is　something　as　sweet　and

exhilarating　as　love。　Unspeakable　joys　are　showered　on　us　by　the

exertion　of　our　mental　faculties；　the　quest　of　ideas；　and　the　tranquil

contemplation　of　knowledge；　delights　indescribable；　because　purely

intellectual　and　impalpable　to　our　senses。　So　we　are　obliged　to　use

material　terms　to　express　the　mysteries　of　the　soul。　The　pleasure　of

striking　out　in　some　lonely　lake　of　clear　water；　with　forests；　rocks；

and　flowers　around；　and　the　soft　stirring　of　the　warm　breeze；all

this　would　give；　to　those　who　knew　them　not；　a　very　faint　idea　of　the

exultation　with　which　my　soul　bathed　itself　in　the　beams　of　an　unknown

light；　hearkened　to　the　awful　and　uncertain　voice　of　inspiration；　as

vision　upon　vision　poured　from　some　unknown　source　through　my

throbbing　brain。



〃No　earthly　pleasure　can　compare　with　the　divine　delight　of　watching

the　dawn　of　an　idea　in　the　space　of　abstractions　as　it　rises　like　the

morning　sun；　an　idea　that；　better　still；　attains　gradually　like　a

child　to　puberty　and　man's　estate。　Study　lends　a　kind　of　enchantment

to　all　our　surroundings。　The　wretched　desk　covered　with　brown　leather

at　which　I　wrote；　my　piano；　bed；　and　armchair；　the　odd　wall…paper　and

furniture　seemed　to　have　for　me　a　kind　of　life　in　them；　and　to　be

humble　friends　of　mine　and　mute　partakers　of　my　destiny。　How　often

have　I　confided　my　soul　to　them　in　a　glance！　A　warped　bit　of　beading

often　met　my　eyes；　and　suggested　new　developments；a　striking　proof

of　my　system；　or　a　felicitous　word　by　which　to　render　my　all　but

inexpressible　thought。　By　sheer　contemplation　of　the　things　about　me　I

discerned　an　expression　and　a　c