rapid； prob'ly on account of the pity which tears our boosums for
his onhappy condition。
This last remark is a sirkastic and witherin' thrust at them
blotid peple who live in gilded saloons。 I tho't I'd explain my
meanin' to you。 I frekently have to explain the meanin' of my
remarks。 I know one manand he's a man of varid 'complishments
who often reads my articles over 20 times afore he can make
anything of 'em at all。 Our skoolmaster to home says this is a
pecoolerarity of geneyus。 My wife says it is a pecoolerarity of
infernal nonsens。 She's a exceedin' practycal woman。 I luv her
muchly； however； and humer her little ways。 It's a recklis
falshood that she henpecks me； and the young man in our
neighborhood who said to me one evenin'； as I was mistenin' my
diafram with a gentle cocktail at the villige tavunwho said to
me in these very langwidge； 〃Go home； old man； onless you desires
to have another teapot throwd at you by B。J。；〃 probly regrets
havin said so。
I said； 〃Betsy Jane is my wife's front name； gentle yooth； and I
permits no person to alood to her as B。J。 outside of the family
circle； of which I am it principally myself。 Your other
observations I scorn and disgust； and I must pollish you off。〃
He was a able…bodied young man； and； remoovin his coat； he
enquired if I wanted to be ground to powder？ I said； Yes： if
there was a Powder…grindist handy； nothin would 'ford me greater
pleasure； when he struck me a painful blow into my right eye；
causin' me to make a rapid retreat into the fireplace。 I hadn't
no idee that the enemy was so well organized。 But I rallied and
went for him； in a rayther vigris style for my time of life。 His
parunts lived near by； and I will simply state 15 minits had only
elapst after the first act when he was carried home on a shutter。
His mama met the sollum procession at the door； and after
keerfully looking her orfspring over； she said：
〃My son； I see how it is distinctually。 You've been foolin'
round a Trashin Masheen。 You went in at the place where they put
the grain in； cum out with the straw； and you got up into the
thingamyjig； and let the horses tred on you； didn't you； my son？〃
The pen of no liven Orthur could describe that disfortnit young
man's sittywation more clearer。 But I was sorry for him； and I
went and nussed him till he got well。 His reg'lar original
father being absent to the war； I told him I'd be a father to him
myself。 He smilt a sickly smile； and said I'd already been wus
than two fathers to him。
I will here obsarve that fitin orter be allus avided； excep in
extreem cases。 My principle is； if a man smites me on the right
cheek I'll turn my left to him； prob'ly； but if he insinooates
that my gran'mother wasn't all right； I'll punch his hed。 But
fitin is mis'ble bisniss； gen'rally speakin； and whenever any
enterprisin countryman of mine cums over here to scoop up a
Briton in the prize ring I'm allus excessively tickled when he
gets scooped hisself； which it is a sad fack has thus far been
the casemy only sorrer bein' that t'other feller wasn't scooped
likewise。 It's diff'rently with scullin boats； which is a manly
sport； and I can only explain Mr。 Hamil's resunt defeat in this
country on the grounds that he wasn't used to British water。 I
hope this explanation will be entirely satisfact'ry to all。
As I remarked afore； I'm gettin' on well。 I'm aware that I'm in
the great metrop'lis of the world； and it doesn't make me onhappy
to admit the fack。 A man is a ass who dispoots it。 That's all
that ails HIM。 I know there is sum peple who cum over here and
snap and snarl 'bout this and that： I know one man who says it
is a shame and a disgrace that St。 Paul's Church isn't a older
edifiss； he says it should be years and even ages older than it
is； but I decline to hold myself responsible for the conduck of
this idyit simply because he's my countryman。 I spose every
civ'lised land is endowed with its full share of gibberin'
idyits； and it can't be helptleastways I can't think of any
effectooal plan of helpin' it。
I'm a little sorry you've got politics over here； but I shall not
diskuss 'em with nobody。 Tear me to pieces with wild omnibus
hosses； and I won't diskuss 'em。 I've had quite enuff of 'em at
home； thank you。 I was at Birmingham t'other night； and went to
the great meetin' for a few minits。 I hadn't been in the hall
long when a stern…lookin' artisan said to me：
〃You ar from Wales！〃
No； I told him I didn't think I was。 A hidgyis tho't flasht over
me。 It was of that onprincipled taler； and I said； 〃Has my
clothin' a Welchy appearance？〃
〃Not by no means；〃 he answered； and then he said； 〃And what is
your opinyin of the present crisis？〃
I said； 〃I don't zackly know。 Have you got it very bad？〃
He replied； 〃Sir； it is sweepin' England like the Cymoon of the
Desert！〃
〃Wall；〃 I said； 〃let it sweep！〃
He ceased me by the arm and said； 〃Let us glance at hist'ry。 It
is now some two thousand years〃
〃Is it； indeed？〃 I replied。
〃Listin！〃 he fiercely cried； 〃it is only a little over two
thousand years since〃
〃Oh； bother！〃 I remarkt； 〃let us go out and git some beer。〃
〃No； Sir。 I want no gross and sensual beer。 I'll not move from
this spot till I can vote。 Who ar you？〃
I handed him my card； which in addition to my name； contains a
elabrit description of my show。 〃Now； Sir；〃 I proudly said； 〃you
know me？〃
〃I sollumly swear；〃 he sternly replied； 〃that I never heard of
you； or your show； in my life！〃
〃And this man；〃 I cried bitterly； 〃calls hisself a intelligent
man； and thinks he orter be allowed to vote！ What a holler
mockery！〃
I've no objection to ev'ry intelligent man votin' if he wants to。
It's a pleasant amoosement； no doubt； but there is those whose
igrance is so dense and loathsum that they shouldn't be trustid
with a ballit any more'n one of my trained serpunts should be
trusted with a child to play with。
I went to the station with a view of returnin' to town on the
cars。
〃This way； Sir；〃 said the guard； 〃here you ar；〃 and he pinted to
a first…class carriage； the sole ockepant of which was a rayther
prepossessin' female of about 30 summers。
〃No； I thank you；〃 I earnestly replied； 〃I prefer to walk。〃
I am； dear Sir；
Very respectivly yours；
Artemus WArd。
5。3。 THE GREEN LION AND OLIVER CROMWELL。
MR。 PUNCH： My Dear Sir；It is now two weeks since a rayther
strange lookin man engaged 'partments at the Green Lion。 He
stated he was from the celebrated United States； but beyond this
he said nothin。 He seem'd to prefer sollytood。 He remained
mostly in his room； and whenever he did show hisself he walkt in
a moody and morose manner in the garding； with his hed bowed down
and his arms foldid across his brest。 He reminded me sumwhat of
the celebrated but onhappy 〃Mr。 Haller；〃 in the cheerful play of
〃The Stranger。〃 This man puzzled me。 I'd been puzzled afore
several times； but never so severally as now。 Mine Ost of the
Greenlion said I must interregate this strange bein； who claimed
to be my countryman。
〃He hasn't called for a drop of beer since he's been in this ere
Ouse；〃 said the landlord。 〃I look to you；〃 he added； 〃to clear
up this dark； this orful mistry！〃
I wringed the lan'lord's honest hand； and told him to consider
the mistry cleared up。
I gained axes to the misterus bein's room； and by talkin sweet to
him for a few minits； I found out who he was。 Then returnin to
the lan'lord； who was nervisly pacin up and down the bar； I said；
〃Sweet ROLANDO； don't tremble no more！ I've torn the marsk from
the hawty stranger's face； and dived into the recesses of his
inmost sole！ He's a Trans…Mejim。〃
I'd been to the Beefanham theatre the previs evenin； and probly
the drammer I saw affected me； because I'm not in the habit of
goin on as per above。 I like the Beefanham theatre very much
indeed； because there a enthoosiastic lover of the theatre like
myself can unite the legitermit drammer with fish。 Thus； while
your enrapterd soul drinks in the lorfty and noble sentences of
the gifted artists； you can eat a biled mack'ril jest as
comfor'bly as in your own house。 I felt constrained； however； to
tell a fond mother who sot immegitly behind me； and who was
accompanied by a gin bottle； and a young infantI felt
constrained to tell that mother； when her infant playfully
mingled a rayther oily mack'ril with the little hair which is
left on my vener'ble hed； that I had a bottle of scented hair oil
at home； which on the whole I tho't I preferred to that which her
orfspring was greasin me with。 This riled the excellent feamale；
and she said：
〃Git out！ You never was a infank yourself； I spose！ Oh no！ You
was too good to be a infank； you was！ You slid into the world
all ready grow'd； didn't you？ Git out！〃
〃No； Madam；〃 I replied； 〃I too was once a infant！ I was a luvly
child。 People used to come in large and enthoosiastic crowds
from all parts of the country to see me； I was such a sweet and
intel'gent infant。 The excitement was so intens； in fack； that a
extra hotel was startid in the town to accomodate the peple who
thronged to my cradle。〃 Havin finished these troothful
statemints； I smilt sweetly on the worthy female。 She said：
〃Drat you； what do you come a…chaffin me for？〃 and the estymible
woman was really gettin furis； when I mollyfied her by praisin
her child； and by axin pardin for all I'd said。
〃This little gal；〃 I observed； 〃this surprisingly lively gal
when〃 the mother said；
〃It's t'other sect is he； Sir： it's a boy。〃
〃Wall；〃 I said； 〃then this little boy； whose eye is like a eagle
a…soaring proudly in the azure sky； will some day be a man； if he
don't choke hisself to death in childhood's sunny hours with a
smelt or a bloater； or some other drefful calamity。 How surblime
the tho't； my dear Madam； that this infant as you fondle on your
knee on this night； may grow up into a free and independent
citizen； whose vote will be worth from ten to fifteen pounds；
accordin as suffrage may range at that joyous perid！〃
Let us now return； jentle reader； to the