the complete works of artemus ward, part 5- 第7部分

＇All　of　the　foregoin　is　sarcasum。＇

It's　a　sing'lar　fack；　but　I　never　sot　eyes　on　your　excellent
British　Mooseum　till　the　other　day。　　I've　sent　a　great　many　peple
there；　as　also　to　your　genial　Tower　of　London；　however。　　It
happened　thusly：　　When　one　of　my　excellent　countrymen　jest
arrived　in　London　would　come　and　see　me；　and　display　a
inclination　to　cling　to　me　too　lengthy；　thus　showing　a　respect
for　me　which　I　feel　I　do　not　deserve；　I　would　sugjest　a　visit　to
the　Mooseum　and　Tower。　　The　Mooseum　would　ockepy　him　a　day　at
leest；　and　the　Tower　another。　　Thus　I've　derived　considerable
peace　and　comfort　from　them　noble　edifisses；　and　I　hope　they　will
long　continner　to　grace　your　metroplis。　　There's　my　fren　Col。
Larkins；　from　Wisconsin；　who　I　regret　to　say　understands　the
Jamaica　question；　and　wants　to　talk　with　me　about　it；　I　sent　him
to　the　Tower　four　days　ago；　and　he　hasn't　got　throogh　with　it
yit。　　He　likes　it　very　much；　and　he　writes　me　that　he　can't　never
thank　me　sufficient　for　directin　him　to　so　interestin　a　bildin。
I　writ　him　not　to　mention　it。　　The　Col。　says　it　is　fortnit　we
live　in　a　intellectooal　age　which　wouldn't　countenance　such
infamus　things　as　occurd　in　this　Tower。　　I'm　aware　that　it　is
fashin'ble　to　compliment　this　age；　but　I　ain't　so　clear　that　the
Col。　is　altogether　right。　　This　is　a　very　respectable　age；　but
it's　pretty　easily　riled；　and　considerin　upon　how　slight　a
provycation　we　who　live　in　it　go　to　cuttin　each　other's　throats；
it　may　perhaps　be　doubted　whether　our　intellecks　is　so　much
massiver　than　our　ancestors'　intellecks　was；　after　all。

I　allus　ride　outside　with　the　cabman。　　I　am　of　humble　parentage；
but　I　have　（if　you　will　permit　me　to　say　so）　the　spirit　of　the
eagle；　which　chafes　when　shut　up　in　a　four…wheeler；　and　I　feel
much　eagler　when　I'm　in　the　open　air。　　So　on　the　mornin　on　which
I　went　to　the　Mooseum　I　lit　a　pipe；　and　callin　a　cab；　I　told　the
driver　to　take　me　there　as　quick　as　his　Arabian　charger　could　go。
The　driver　was　under　the　inflooence　of　beer　and　narrerly　escaped
runnin　over　a　aged　female　in　the　match　trade；　whereupon　I
remonstratid　with　him。　　I　said；　〃That　poor　old　woman　may　be　the
only　mother　of　a　young　man　like　you。〃　　Then　throwing　considerable
pathos　into　my　voice；　I　said：

〃That　poor　old　woman　may　be　the　only　mother　of　a　young　man　like
you。　　Then　throwing　considerable　pathos　into　my　voice　I　said；
〃You　have　a　mother？〃

He　said；　〃You　lie！〃　　I　got　down　and　called　another　cab；　but　said
nothin　to　this　driver　about　his　parents。

The　British　Mooseum　is　a　magnificent　free　show　for　the　people。
It　is　kept　open　for　the　benefit　of　all。

The　humble　costymonger；　who　traverses　the　busy　streets　with　a
cart　containin　all　kinds　of　vegetables；　such　as　carrots；　turnips；
etc；　and　drawn　by　a　spirited　jackasshe　can　go　to　the　Mooseum
and　reap　benefits　therefrom　as　well　as　the　lord　of　high　degree。

〃And　this；〃　I　said；　〃is　the　British　Mooseum！　　〃These　noble
walls；〃　I　continnerd；　punching　them　with　my　umbreller　to　see　if
the　masonry　was　all　rightbut　I　wasn't　allowd　to　finish　my
enthoosiastic　remarks；　for　a　man　with　a　gold　band　on　his　hat
said；　in　a　hash　voice；　that　I　must　stop　pokin　the　walls。　　I　told
him　I　would　do　so　by　all　means。　　〃You　see；〃　I　said；　taking　hold
of　the　tassel　which　waved　from　the　man's　belt；　and　drawin　him
close　to　me　in　a　confidential　way；　〃You　see；　I'm　lookin　round
this　Mooseum；　and　if　I　like　it　I　shall　buy　it。〃

Instid　of　larfin　hartily　at　these　remarks；　which　was　made　in　a
goakin　spirit；　the　man　frowned　darkly　and　walked　away。

I　first　visited　the　stuffed　animals；　of　which　the　gorillers
interested　me　most。　　These　simple…minded　monsters　live　in　Afriky；
and　are　believed　to　be　human　beins　to　a　slight　extent；　altho'
they　are　not　allowed　to　vote。　　In　this　department　is　one　or　two
superior　giraffes。　　I　never　woulded　I　were　a　bird；　but　I've
sometimes　wished　I　was　a　giraffe；　on　account　of　the　long　distance
from　his　mouth　to　his　stummuck。　　Hence；　if　he　loved　beer；　one
mugful　would　give　him　as　much　enjoyment　while　goin　down；　as　forty
mugfuls　would　ordinary　persons。　　And　he　wouldn't　get　intoxicated；
which　is　a　beastly　way　of　amusin　oneself；　I　must　say。　　I　like　a
little　beer　now　and　then；　and　when　the　teetotallers　inform　us；　as
they　frekently　do；　that　it　is　vile　stuff；　and　that　even　the　swine
shrink　from　it；　I　say　it　only　shows　that　the　swine　is　a　ass　who
don't　know　what's　good；　but　to　pour　gin　and　brandy　down　one's
throat　as　freely　as　though　it　were　fresh　milk；　is　the　most
idiotic　way　of　goin'　to　the　devil　that　I　know　of。

I　enjoyed　myself　very　much　lookin　at　the　Egyptian　mummays；　the
Greek　vasis；　etc；　but　it　occurd　to　me　there　was　rayther　too　many
〃Roman　antiquitys　of　a　uncertin　date。〃　　Now；　I　like　the　British
Mooseum；　as　I　said　afore；　but　when　I　see　a　lot　of　erthen　jugs　and
pots　stuck　up　on　shelves；　and　all　〃of　a　uncertin　date；〃　I'm　at　a
loss　to　'zackly　determin　whether　they　are　a　thousand　years　old　or
was　bought　recent。　　I　can　cry　like　a　child　over　a　jug　one
thousand　years　of　age；　especially　if　it　is　a　Roman　jug；　but　a　jug
of　a　uncertin　date　doesn't　overwhelm　me　with　emotions。　　Jugs　and
pots　of　a　uncertin　age　is　doubtles　vallyable　property；　but；　like
the　debentures　of　the　London；　Chatham；　and　Dover　Railway；　a　man
doesn't　want　too　many　of　them。

I　was　debarred　out　of　the　great　readin…room。　　A　man　told　me　I
must　apply　by　letter　for　admission；　and　that　I　must　get　somebody
to　testify　that　I　was　respectable。　　I'm　a　little　'fraid　I
shan't　get　in　there。　　Seein　a　elderly　gentleman；　with　a
beneverlent…lookin　face　near　by；　I　venturd　to　ask　him　if　he　would
certifythat　I　was　respectable。　　He　said　he　certainly　would　not；
but　he　would　put　me　in　charge　of　a　policeman；　if　that　would　do　me
any　good。　　A　thought　struck　me。　　〃I　refer　you　to　'Mr。　Punch'；〃　I
said。

〃Well；〃　said　a　man；　who　had　listened　to　my　application；　〃you　HAVE
done　it　now！　　You　stood　some　chance　before。〃

I　will　get　this　infamus　wretch's　name　before　you　go　to　press；　so
you　can　denounce　him　in　the　present　number　of　your　excellent
journal。

The　statute　of　Apollo　is　a　pretty　slick　statute。　　A　young　yeoman
seemed　deeply　imprest　with　it。　　He　viewd　it　with　silent
admiration。　　At　home；　in　the　beautiful　rural　districks　where　the
daisy　sweetly　blooms；　he　would　be　swearin　in　a　horrible　manner　at
his　bullocks；　and　whacking　'em　over　the　head　with　a　hayfork；　but
here；　in　the　presence　of　Art；　he　is　a　changed　bein。

I　told　the　attendant　that　if　the　British　nation　would　stand　the
expens　of　a　marble　bust　of　myself；　I　would　willingly　sit　to　some
talented　sculpist。

〃I　feel；〃　I　said；　〃that　this　is　a　dooty　I　owe　to　posterity。〃

He　said　it　was　hily　prob'l；　but　he　was　inclined　to　think　that　the
British　nation　wouldn't　care　to　enrich　the　Mooseum　with　a　bust　of
me；　altho'　he　venturd　to　think　that　if　I　paid　for　one　myself　it
would　be　accepted　cheerfully　by　Madam　Tussaud；　who　would　give　it
a　prom'nent　position　in　her　Chamber　of　Horrers。　The　young　man　was
very　polite；　and　I　thankt　him　kindly。

After　visitin　the　Refreshment　room　and　partakin　of　half　a　chicken
〃of　a　uncertin　age；〃　like　the　Roman　antiquitys　I　have　previsly
spoken　of；　I　prepared　to　leave。　　As　I　passed　through　the　animal
room　I　observed　with　pane　that　a　benevolint　person　was　urgin　the
stufft　elephant　to　accept　a　cold　muffin；　but　I　did　not　feel
called　on　to　remostrate　with　him；　any　more　than　I　did　with　two
young　persons　of　diff'rent　sexes　who　had　retired　behind　the
Rynosserhoss　to　squeeze　each　other's　hands。　　In　fack；　I　rayther
approved　of　the　latter　proceedin；　for　it　carrid　me　back　to　the
sunny　spring…time　of　MY　life。　　I'm　in　the　shear　and　yeller　leaf
now；　but　I　don't　forgit　the　time　when　to　squeeze　my　Betsy's　hand
sent　a　thrill　through　me　like　fellin　off　the　roof　of　a　two…story
house；　and　I　never　squozed　that　gentle　hand　without　wantin　to　do
so　some　more；　and　feelin　that　it　did　me　good。

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Trooly　yours；
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Artemus　Ward。







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