the hungry stones and other stories- 第14部分

〃No；〃　I　answered。　〃In　reality；　I　was　secretly　treating　myself　in　accordance　with　your　doctor's　directions。〃

Oh！　　what　lies　we　women　have　to　tell！　　When　we　are　mothers；　we　tell　lies　to　pacify　our　children；　and　when　we　are　wives；　we　tell　lies　to　pacify　the　fathers　of　our　children。　　We　are　never　free　from　this　necessity。

My　deception　had　the　effect　of　bringing　about　a　better　feeling　between　my　husband　and　Dada。　　Dada　blamed　himself　for　asking　me　to　keep　a　secret　from　my　husband：　and　my　husband　regretted　that　he　had　not　taken　my　brother's　advice　at　the　first。

At　last；　with　the　consent　of　both；　an　English　doctor　came；　and　operated　on　my　left　eye。　　That　eye；　however；　was　too　weak　to　bear　the　strain；　and　the　last　flickering　glimmer　of　light　went　out。　　Then　the　other　eye　gradually　lost　itself　in　darkness。

One　day　my　husband　came　to　my　bedside。　〃I　cannot　brazen　it　out　before　you　any　longer；〃　said　he；　〃Kumo；　it　is　I　who　have　ruined　your　eyes。〃

I　felt　that　his　voice　was　choking　with　tears；　and　so　I　took　up　his　right　hand　in　both　of　mine　and　said：　〃Why！　　you　did　exactly　what　was　right。　You　have　dealt　only　with　that　which　was　your　very　own。　　Just　imagine；　if　some　strange　doctor　had　come　and　taken　away　my　eyesight。　　What　consolation　should　I　have　had　then？　　But　now　I　can　feel　that　all　has　happened　for　the　best；　and　my　great　comfort　is　to　know　that　it　is　at　your　hands　I　have　lost　my　eyes。　　When　Ramchandra　found　one　lotus　too　few　with　which　to　worship　God；　he　offered　both　his　eyes　in　place　of　the　lotus。　　And　I　hate　dedicated　my　eyes　to　my　God。　　From　now；　whenever　you　see　something　that　is　a　joy　to　you；　then　you　must　describe　it　to　me；　and　I　will　feed　upon　your　words　as　a　sacred　gift　left　over　from　your　vision。〃

I　do　not　mean；　of　course；　that　I　said　all　this　there　and　then；　for　it　is　impossible　to　speak　these　things　an　the　spur　of　the　moment。　　But　I　used　to　think　over　words　like　these　for　days　and　days　together。　　And　when　I　was　very　depressed；　or　if　at　any　time　the　light　of　my　devotion　became　dim；　and　I　pitied　my　evil　fate；　then　I　made　my　mind　utter　these　sentences；　one　by　one；　as　a　child　repeats　a　story　that　is　told。　　And　so　I　could　breathe　once　more　the　serener　air　of　peace　and　love。

At　the　very　time　of　our　talk　together；　I　said　enough　to　show　my　husband　what　was　in　my　heart。

〃Kumo；〃　he　said　to　me；　〃the　mischief　I　have　done　by　my　folly　can　never　be　made　good。　　But　I　can　do　one　thing。　　I　can　ever　remain　by　your　side；　and　try　to　make　up　for　your　want　of　vision　as　much　as　is　in　my　power。〃

〃No；〃　said　I。　〃That　will　never　do。　　I　shall　not　ask　you　to　turn　your　house　into　an　hospital　for　the　blind。　　There　is　only　one　thing　to　be　done；　you　must　marry　again。〃

As　I　tried　to　explain　to　him　that　this　was　necessary；　my　voice　broke　a　little。　　I　coughed；　and　tried　to　hide　my　emotion；　but　he　burst　out　saying：

〃Kumo；　I　know　I　am　a　fool；　and　a　braggart；　and　all　that；　but　I　am　not　a　villain！　　If　ever　I　marry　again；　I　swear　to　youI　swear　to　you　the　most　solemn　oath　by　my　family　god；　Gopinathmay　that　most　hated　of　all　sins；　the　sin　of　parricide；　fall　on　my　head！〃

Ah！　　I　should　never；　never　have　allowed　him　to　swear　that　dreadful　oath。　But　tears　were　choking　my　voice；　and　I　could　not　say　a　word　for　insufferable　joy。　　I　hid　my　blind　face　in　my　pillows；　and　sobbed；　and　sobbed　again。　　At　last；　when　the　first　flood　of　my　tears　was　over；　I　drew　his　head　down　to　my　breast。

〃Ah　I　〃　said　I；　〃why　did　you　take　such　a　terrible　oath？　　Do　you　think　I　asked　you　to　marry　again　for　your　own　sordid　pleasure？　　No！　　I　was　thinking　of　myself；　for　she　could　perform　those　services　which　were　mine　to　give　you　when　I　had　my　sight。〃

〃Services！　〃　said　he；　〃services！　　Those　can　be　done　by　servants。　　Do　you　think　I　am　mad　enough　to　bring　a　slave　into　my　house；　and　bid　her　share　the　throne　with　this　my　Goddess？〃

As　he　said　the　word　〃Goddess；〃　he　held　up　my　face　in　his　hands；　and　placed　a　kiss　between　my　brows。　　At　that　moment　the　third　eye　of　divine　wisdom　was　opened；　where　he　kissed　me；　and　verily　I　had　a　consecration。

I　said　in　my　own　mind：　〃It　is　well。　　I　am　no　longer　able　to　serve　him　in　the　lower　world　of　household　cares。　　But　I　shall　rise　to　a　higher　region。　　I　shall　bring　down　blessings　from　above。　　No　more　lies！　　No　more　deceptions　for　me！　　All　the　littlenesses　and　hypocrisies　of　my　former　life　shall　be　banished　for　ever！〃

That　day；　the　whole　day　through；　I　felt　a　conflict　going　on　within　me。　The　joy　of　the　thought；　that　after　this　solemn　oath　it　was　impossible　for　my　husband　to　marry　again；　fixed　its　roots　deep　in　my　heart；　and　I　could　not　tear　them　out。　　But　the　new　Goddess；　who　had　taken　her　new　throne　in　me；　said：　〃The　time　might　come　when　it　would　be　good　for　your　husband　to　break　his　oath　and　marry　again。〃　　But　the　woman；　who　was　within　me；　said：　〃That　may　be；　but　all　the　same　an　oath　is　an　oath；　and　there　is　no　way　out。〃　　The　Goddess；　who　was　within　me；　answered：　〃That　is　no　reason　why　you　should　exult　over　it。〃　　But　the　woman；　who　was　within　me；　replied：　〃What　you　say　is　quite　true；　no　doubt；　all　the　same　he　has　taken　his　oath。〃　　And　the　same　story　went　on　again　and　again。　　At　last　the　Goddess　frowned　in　silence；　and　the　darkness　of　a　horrible　fear　came　down　upon　me。

My　repentant　husband　would　not　let　the　servants　do　my　work；　he　must　do　it　all　himself。　　At　first　it　gave　me　unbounded　delight　to　be　dependent　on　him　thus　for　every　little　thing。　　It　was　a　means　of　keeping　him　by　my　side；　and　my　desire　to　have　him　with　me　had　become　intense　since　my　blindness。　　That　share　of　his　presence；　which　my　eyes　had　lost；　my　other　senses　craved。　　When　he　was　absent　from　my　side；　I　would　feel　as　if　I　were　hanging　in　mid…air；　and　had　lost　my　hold　of　all　things　tangible。

Formerly；　when　my　husband　came　back　late　from　the　hospital；　I　used　to　open　my　window　and　gaze　at　the　road。　　That　road　was　the　link　which　connected　his　world　with　mine。　　Now　when　I　had　lost　that　link　through　my　blindness；　all　my　body　would　go　out　to　seek　him。　　The　bridge　that　united　us　had　given　way；　and　there　was　now　this　unsurpassable　chasm。　　When　he　left　my　side　the　gulf　seemed　to　yawn　wide　open。　　I　could　only　wait　for　the　time　when　he　should　cross　back　again　from　his　own　shore　to　mine。

But　such　intense　longing　and　such　utter　dependence　can　never　be　good。　　A　wife　is　a　burden　enough　to　a　man；　in　all　conscience；　and　to　add　to　it　the　burden　of　this　blindness　was　to　make　his　life　unbearable。　　I　vowed　that　I　would　suffer　alone；　and　never　wrap　my　husband　round　in　the　folds　of　my　all…pervading　darkness。

Within　an　incredibly　short　space　of　time　I　managed　to　train　myself　to　do　all　my　household　duties　by　the　help　of　touch　and　sound　and　smell。　　In　fact　I　soon　found　that　I　could　get　on　with　greater　skill　than　before。　For　sight　often　distracts　rather　than　helps　us。　　And　so　it　came　to　pass　that；　when　these　roving　eyes　of　mine　could　do　their　work　no　longer；　all　the　other　senses　took　up　their　several　duties　with　quietude　and　completeness。

When　I　had　gained　experience　by　constant　practice；　I　would　not　let　my　husband　do　any　more　household　duties　for　me。　　He　complained　bitterly　at　first　that　I　was　depriving　him　of　his　penance。

This　did　not　convince　me。　　Whatever　he　might　say；　I　could　feel　that　he　had　a　real　sense　of　relief　when　these　household　duties　were　over。　　To　serve　daily　a　wife　who　is　blind　can　never　make　up　the　life　of　a　man。

II

My　husband　at　last　had　finished　his　medical　course。　　He　went　away　from　Calcutta　to　a　small　town　to　practise　as　a　doctor。　　There　in　the　country　I　felt　with　joy；　through　all　my　blindness；　that　I　was　restored　to　the　arms　of　my　mother。　　I　had　left　my　village　birthplace　for　Calcutta　when　I　was　eight　years　old。　　Since　then　ten　years　had　passed　away；　and　in　the　great　city　the　memory　of　my　village　home　had　grown　dim。　　As　long　as　I　had　eyesight；　Calcutta　with　its　busy　life　screened　from　view　the　memory　of　my　early　days。　　But　when　I　lost　my　eyesight　I　knew　for　the　first　time　that　Calcutta　allured　only　the　eyes：　it　could　not　fill　the　mind。　　And　now；　in　my　blindness；　the　scenes　of　my　childhood　shone　out　once　more；　like　stars　that　appear　one　by　one　in　the　evening　sky　at　the　end　of　the　day。

It　was　the　beginning　of　November　when　we　left　Calcutta　for　Harsingpur。　The　place　was　new　to　me；　but　the　scents　and　sounds　of　the　countryside　pressed　round　and　embraced　me。　　The　morning　breeze　coming　fresh　from　the　newly　ploughed　land；　the　sweet　and　tender　smell　of　the　flowering　mustard；　the　shepherd…boy's　flute　sounding　in　the　distance；　even　the　creaking　noise　of　the　bullock…cart；　as　it　groaned　over　the　broken　village　road；　filled　my　world　with　delight。　　The　memory　of　my　past　life；　with　all　its　ineffable　fragrance　and　sound；　became　a　living　present　to　me；　and　my　blind　eyes　could　not　tell　me　I　was　wrong。　　I　went　back；　and　lived　over　again　my　childhood。　　Only　one　thing　was　absent：　my　mother　was　not　with　me。

I　could　see　my　home　with　the　large　peepul　trees　growing　along　the　edge　of　the　village　pool。　　I　could　picture　in　my　mind's　eye　my　old　grandmother　seated　on　the　ground　with　her　thin　wisps　of　hair　untied；　warming　her　back　in　the　sun　as　she　made　the　little　round　lentil　balls　to

be　dried　and　used　for　cooking。　　But　somehow　I　could　not　recall　the　songs　she　used　to　croon　to　herself　in　her　weak　and　quavering　voice。　　In　the　evening；　whenever　I　heard　the　lowing　of　cattle；　I　could　almost　watch　the　figure　of　my　mother　going　round　the　sheds　with　lighted　lamp　in　her　hand。　The　smell　of　the　wet　fodder　and　the　pungent　smoke　of　the　straw　fire　would　enter　into　my　very　heart。　　And　in　the　distance　I　seemed　to　hear　the　clanging　of　the　temple　bell　wafted　up　by　the　breeze　from　the　river　bank。

Calcutta；　with　all　its　turmoil　and　gossip；　curdles　the　heart。　　There；　all　the　beautiful　duties　of　life　lose　their　freshness　and　innocence。　　I　remember　one　day；　when　a　friend　of　mine　came　in；　and　said　to　me：　〃Kumo；　why　don't　you　feel　angry？　　If　I　had　been　treated　like　you　by　my　husband；　I　would　never　look　upon　his　face　again。〃

She　tried　to　make　me　indignant；　because　he　had　been　so　long　calling　in　a　doctor。

〃My　blindness；〃　said　I；　〃was　itself　a　sufficient　evil。　　Why　should　I　make　it　worse　by　allowing　hatred　to　grow　up　against　my　husband？〃

My　friend　shook　her　head　in　great　contempt；　when　she　heard