mudfog+- 第8部分

melancholy　instance　of　a　presentiment　entertained　by　the　animal　of

his　approaching　dissolution；　was　recorded。　　After　gratifying　a

numerous　and　fashionable　company　with　his　performances；　in　which　no

falling　off　whatever　was　visible；　he　fixed　his　eyes　on　the

biographer；　and；　turning　to　the　watch　which　lay　on　the　floor；　and

on　which　he　was　accustomed　to　point　out　the　hour；　deliberately

passed　his　snout　twice　round　the　dial。　　In　precisely　four…and…

twenty　hours　from　that　time　he　had　ceased　to　exist！



'PROFESSOR　WHEEZY　inquired　whether；　previous　to　his　demise；　the

animal　had　expressed；　by　signs　or　otherwise；　any　wishes　regarding

the　disposal　of　his　little　property。



'MR。　BLUNDERUM　replied；　that；　when　the　biographer　took　up　the　pack

of　cards　at　the　conclusion　of　the　performance；　the　animal　grunted

several　times　in　a　significant　manner；　and　nodding　his　head　as　he

was　accustomed　to　do；　when　gratified。　　From　these　gestures　it　was

understood　that　he　wished　the　attendant　to　keep　the　cards；　which　he

had　ever　since　done。　　He　had　not　expressed　any　wish　relative　to　his

watch；　which　had　accordingly　been　pawned　by　the　same　individual。



'THE　PRESIDENT　wished　to　know　whether　any　Member　of　the　section　had

ever　seen　or　conversed　with　the　pig…faced　lady；　who　was　reported　to

have　worn　a　black　velvet　mask；　and　to　have　taken　her　meals　from　a

golden　trough。



'After　some　hesitation　a　Member　replied　that　the　pig…faced　lady　was

his　mother…in…law；　and　that　he　trusted　the　President　would　not

violate　the　sanctity　of　private　life。



'THE　PRESIDENT　begged　pardon。　　He　had　considered　the　pig…faced　lady

a　public　character。　　Would　the　honourable　member　object　to　state；

with　a　view　to　the　advancement　of　science；　whether　she　was　in　any

way　connected　with　the　learned　pig？



'The　Member　replied　in　the　same　low　tone；　that；　as　the　question

appeared　to　involve　a　suspicion　that　the　learned　pig　might　be　his

half…brother；　he　must　decline　answering　it。





'SECTION　B。　…　ANATOMY　AND　MEDICINE。

COACH…HOUSE；　PIG　AND　TINDER…BOX。





PRESIDENT　…　Dr。　Toorell。　　VICE…PRESIDENTS　…　Professors　Muff　and

Nogo。



DR。　KUTANKUMAGEN　（of　Moscow）　read　to　the　section　a　report　of　a　case

which　had　occurred　within　his　own　practice；　strikingly　illustrative

of　the　power　of　medicine；　as　exemplified　in　his　successful

treatment　of　a　virulent　disorder。　　He　had　been　called　in　to　visit

the　patient　on　the　1st　of　April；　1837。　　He　was　then　labouring　under

symptoms　peculiarly　alarming　to　any　medical　man。　　His　frame　was

stout　and　muscular；　his　step　firm　and　elastic；　his　cheeks　plump　and

red；　his　voice　loud；　his　appetite　good；　his　pulse　full　and　round。

He　was　in　the　constant　habit　of　eating　three　meals　PER　DIEM；　and　of

drinking　at　least　one　bottle　of　wine；　and　one　glass　of　spirituous

liquors　diluted　with　water；　in　the　course　of　the　four…and…twenty

hours。　　He　laughed　constantly；　and　in　so　hearty　a　manner　that　it

was　terrible　to　hear　him。　　By　dint　of　powerful　medicine；　low　diet；

and　bleeding；　the　symptoms　in　the　course　of　three　days　perceptibly

decreased。　　A　rigid　perseverance　in　the　same　course　of　treatment

for　only　one　week；　accompanied　with　small　doses　of　water…gruel；

weak　broth；　and　barley…water；　led　to　their　entire　disappearance。

In　the　course　of　a　month　he　was　sufficiently　recovered　to　be

carried　down…stairs　by　two　nurses；　and　to　enjoy　an　airing　in　a

close　carriage；　supported　by　soft　pillows。　　At　the　present　moment

he　was　restored　so　far　as　to　walk　about；　with　the　slight　assistance

of　a　crutch　and　a　boy。　　It　would　perhaps　be　gratifying　to　the

section　to　learn　that　he　ate　little；　drank　little；　slept　little；

and　was　never　heard　to　laugh　by　any　accident　whatever。



'DR。　W。　R。　FEE；　in　complimenting　the　honourable　member　upon　the

triumphant　cure　he　had　effected；　begged　to　ask　whether　the　patient

still　bled　freely？



'DR。　KUTANKUMAGEN　replied　in　the　affirmative。



'DR。　W。　R。　FEE。　…　And　you　found　that　he　bled　freely　during　the

whole　course　of　the　disorder？



'DR。　KUTANKUMAGEN。　…　Oh　dear；　yes；　most　freely。



'DR。　NEESHAWTS　supposed；　that　if　the　patient　had　not　submitted　to

be　bled　with　great　readiness　and　perseverance；　so　extraordinary　a

cure　could　never；　in　fact；　have　been　accomplished。　　Dr。

Kutankumagen　rejoined；　certainly　not。



'MR。　KNIGHT　BELL　（M。R。C。S。）　exhibited　a　wax　preparation　of　the

interior　of　a　gentleman　who　in　early　life　had　inadvertently

swallowed　a　door…key。　　It　was　a　curious　fact　that　a　medical　student

of　dissipated　habits；　being　present　at　the　POST　MORTEM　examination；

found　means　to　escape　unobserved　from　the　room；　with　that　portion

of　the　coats　of　the　stomach　upon　which　an　exact　model　of　the

instrument　was　distinctly　impressed；　with　which　he　hastened　to　a

locksmith　of　doubtful　character；　who　made　a　new　key　from　the

pattern　so　shown　to　him。　　With　this　key　the　medical　student　entered

the　house　of　the　deceased　gentleman；　and　committed　a　burglary　to　a

large　amount；　for　which　he　was　subsequently　tried　and　executed。



'THE　PRESIDENT　wished　to　know　what　became　of　the　original　key　after

the　lapse　of　years。　　Mr。　Knight　Bell　replied　that　the　gentleman　was

always　much　accustomed　to　punch；　and　it　was　supposed　the　acid　had

gradually　devoured　it。



'DR。　NEESHAWTS　and　several　of　the　members　were　of　opinion　that　the

key　must　have　lain　very　cold　and　heavy　upon　the　gentleman's

stomach。



'MR。　KNIGHT　BELL　believed　it　did　at　first。　　It　was　worthy　of

remark；　perhaps；　that　for　some　years　the　gentleman　was　troubled

with　a　night…mare；　under　the　influence　of　which　he　always　imagined

himself　a　wine…cellar　door。



'PROFESSOR　MUFF　related　a　very　extraordinary　and　convincing　proof

of　the　wonderful　efficacy　of　the　system　of　infinitesimal　doses；

which　the　section　were　doubtless　aware　was　based　upon　the　theory

that　the　very　minutest　amount　of　any　given　drug；　properly　dispersed

through　the　human　frame；　would　be　productive　of　precisely　the　same

result　as　a　very　large　dose　administered　in　the　usual　manner。

Thus；　the　fortieth　part　of　a　grain　of　calomel　was　supposed　to　be

equal　to　a　five…grain　calomel　pill；　and　so　on　in　proportion

throughout　the　whole　range　of　medicine。　　He　had　tried　the

experiment　in　a　curious　manner　upon　a　publican　who　had　been　brought

into　the　hospital　with　a　broken　head；　and　was　cured　upon　the

infinitesimal　system　in　the　incredibly　short　space　of　three　months。

This　man　was　a　hard　drinker。　　He　（Professor　Muff）　had　dispersed

three　drops　of　rum　through　a　bucket　of　water；　and　requested　the　man

to　drink　the　whole。　　What　was　the　result？　　Before　he　had　drunk　a

quart；　he　was　in　a　state　of　beastly　intoxication；　and　five　other

men　were　made　dead　drunk　with　the　remainder。



'THE　PRESIDENT　wished　to　know　whether　an　infinitesimal　dose　of

soda…water　would　have　recovered　them？　　Professor　Muff　replied　that

the　twenty…fifth　part　of　a　teaspoonful；　properly　administered　to

each　patient；　would　have　sobered　him　immediately。　　The　President

remarked　that　this　was　a　most　important　discovery；　and　he　hoped　the

Lord　Mayor　and　Court　of　Aldermen　would　patronize　it　immediately。



'A　Member　begged　to　be　informed　whether　it　would　be　possible　to

administer　…　say；　the　twentieth　part　of　a　grain　of　bread　and　cheese

to　all　grown…up　paupers；　and　the　fortieth　part　to　children；　with

the　same　satisfying　effect　as　their　present　allowance。



'PROFESSOR　MUFF　was　willing　to　stake　his　professional　reputation　on

the　perfect　adequacy　of　such　a　quantity　of　food　to　the　support　of

human　life　…　in　workhouses；　the　addition　of　the　fifteenth　part　of　a

grain　of　pudding　twice　a　week　would　render　it　a　high　diet。



'PROFESSOR　NOGO　called　the　attention　of　the　section　to　a　very

extraordinary　case　of　animal　magnetism。　　A　private　watchman；　being

merely　looked　at　by　the　operator　from　the　opposite　side　of　a　wide

street；　was　at　once　observed　to　be　in　a　very　drowsy　and　languid

state。　　He　was　followed　to　his　box；　and　being　once　slightly　rubbed

on　the　palms　of　the　hands；　fell　into　a　sound　sleep；　in　which　he

continued　without　intermission　for　ten　hours。







'SECTION　C。　…　STATISTICS。

HAY…LOFT；　ORIGINAL　PIG。



PRESIDENT　…　Mr。　Woodensconce。　　VICE…PRESIDENTS　…　Mr。　Ledbrain　and

Mr。　Timbered。



'MR。　SLUG　stated　to　the　section　the　result　of　some　calculations　he

had　made　with　great　difficulty　and　labour；　regarding　the　state　of

infant　education　among　the　middle　classes　of　London。　　He　found

that；　within　a　circle　of　three　miles　from　the　Elephant　and　Castle；

the　following　were　the　names　and　numbers　of　children's　books

principally　in　circulation：…





'Jack　the　Giant…killer　　　　　　　　　　　7；943

Ditto　and　Bean…stalk　　　　　　　　　　　　　8；621

Ditto　and　Eleven　Brothers　　　　　　　　2；845

Ditto　and　Jill　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　1；998

Total　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　21；407





'He　found　that　the　proportion　of　Robinson　Crusoes　to　Philip　Quarlls

was　as　four　and　a　half　to　one；　and　that　the　preponderance　of

Valentine　and　Orsons　over　Goody　Two　Shoeses　was　as　three　and　an

eighth　of　the　former　to　half　a　one　of　the　latter；　a　comparison　of

Seven　Champions　with　Simple　Simons　gave　the　same　result。　　The

ignorance　that　prevailed；　was　lamentable。　　One　child；　on　being

asked　whether　he　would　rather　be　Saint　George　of　England　or　a

respectable　tallow…chandler；　instantly　replied；　〃Taint　George　of

Ingling。〃　　Another；　a　little　boy　of　eight　years　old；　was　found　to

be　firmly　impressed　with　a　belief　in　the　existence　of　dragons；　and

openly　stated　that　it　was　his　intention　when　he　grew　up；　to　rush

forth　sword　in　hand　for　the　deliverance　of　captive　princesses；　and

the　promiscuous　slaughter　of　giants。　　Not　one　child　among　the

number　interrogated　had　ever　heard　of　Mungo　Park；　…　some　inquiring

whether　he　was　at　all　connected　with　the　black　man　that　swept　the

crossing；　and　others　whether　he　was　in　any　way　related　to　the

Regent's　Park。　　They　had　not　the　slightest　conception　of　the

commonest　principles　of　mathematics；