That aunt；〃 continued Cyrus Pym； his face darkening grandly〃that
visionary aunt had been the dancing will…o'…the…wisp
who had led many a high…souled maiden to her doom。
Into how many virginal ears has he whispered that holy word？
When he said ‘aunt' there glowed about her all the merriment
and high morality of the Anglo…Saxon home。 Kettles began to hum；
pussy cats to purr； in that very wild cab that was being
driven to destruction。〃
Inglewood looked up； to find； to his astonishment （as many another
denizen of the eastern hemisphere has found）； that the American was
not only perfectly serious； but was really eloquent and affecting
when the difference of the hemispheres was adjusted。
〃It is therefore atrociously evident that the man Smith has at
least represented himself to one innocent female of this house
as an eligible bachelor； being； in fact； a married man。 I agree with
my colleague； Mr。 Gould； that no other crime could approximate to this。
As to whether what our ancestors called purity has any ultimate ethical
value indeed； science hesitates with a high； proud hesitation。
But what hesitation can there be about the baseness of a citizen
who ventures； by brutal experiments upon living females； to anticipate
the verdict of science on such a point？
〃The woman mentioned by Curate Percy as living with Smith
in Highbury may or may not be the same as the lady he married
in Maidenhead。 If one short sweet spell of constancy and heart
repose interrupted the plunging torrent of his profligate life；
we will not deprive him of that long past possibility。
After that conjectural date； alas； he seems to have plunged deeper
and deeper into the shaking quagmires of infidelity and shame。〃
Dr。 Pym closed his eyes； but the unfortunate fact that there was no more
light left this familiar signal without its full and proper moral effect。
After a pause； which almost partook of the character of prayer； he continued。
〃The first instance of the accused's repeated and irregular nuptials；〃
he exclaimed； 〃comes from Lady Bullingdon； who expresses herself
with the high haughtiness which must be excused in those who look
out upon all mankind from the turrets of a Norman and ancestral keep。
The communication she has sent to us runs as follows：
〃Lady Bullingdon recalls the painful incident to which reference
is made； and has no desire to deal with it in detail。
The girl Polly Green was a perfectly adequate dressmaker；
and lived in the village for about two years。 Her unattached
condition was bad for her as well as for the general morality
of the village。 Lady Bullingdon； therefore； allowed it to be
understood that she favoured the marriage of the young woman。
The villagers； naturally wishing to oblige Lady Bullingdon；
came forward in several cases； and all would have been well had it
not been for the deplorable eccentricity or depravity of the girl
Green herself。 Lady Bullingdon supposes that where there is
a village there must be a village idiot； and in her village；
it seems； there was one of these wretched creatures。
Lady Bullingdon only saw him once； and she is quite aware
that it is really difficult to distinguish between actual
idiots and the ordinary heavy type of the rural lower classes。
She noticed； however； the startling smallness of his head
in comparison to the rest of his body； and； indeed； the fact
of his having appeared upon election day wearing the rosette
of both the two opposing parties appears to Lady Bullingdon
to put the matter quite beyond doubt。 Lady Bullingdon was
astounded to learn that this afflicted being had put himself
forward as one of the suitors of the girl in question。
Lady Bullingdon's nephew interviewed the wretch upon the point；
telling him that he was a ‘donkey' to dream of such a thing；
and actually received； along with an imbecile grin；
the answer that donkeys generally go after carrots。
But Lady Bullingdon was yet further amazed to find the unhappy
girl inclined to accept this monstrous proposal； though she
was actually asked in marriage by Garth； the undertaker； a man
in a far superior position to her own。 Lady Bullingdon could not；
of course； countenance such an arrangement for a moment；
and the two unhappy persons escaped for a clandestine marriage。
Lady Bullingdon cannot exactly recall the man's name；
but thinks it was Smith。 He was always called in the village
the Innocent。 Later； Lady Bullingdon believes he murdered
Green in a mental outbreak。〃
〃The next communication；〃 proceeded Pym； 〃is more conspicuous for brevity；
but I am of the opinion that it will adequately convey the upshot。
It is dated from the offices of Messrs。 Hanbury and Bootle； publishers；
and is as follows：
〃Sir；Yrs。 rcd。 and conts。 noted。 Rumour re typewriter possibly refers
to a Miss Blake or similar name； left here nine years ago to marry an
organ…grinder。 Case was undoubtedly curious； and attracted police attention。
Girl worked excellently till about Oct。 1907； when apparently went mad。
Record was written at the time； part of which I enclose。
Yrs。； etc。； W。 Trip。〃
〃The fuller statement runs as follows：
〃On October 12 a letter was sent from this office to Messrs。
Bernard and Juke； bookbinders。 Opened by Mr。 Juke； it was found
to contain the following： ‘Sir； our Mr。 Trip will call at 3；
as we wish to know whether it is really decided 00000073bb！！！！！xy。'
To this Mr。 Juke； a person of a playful mind； returned the answer：
‘Sir； I am in a position to give it as my most decided opinion
that it is not really decided that 00000073bb！！！！！xy。' Yrs。； etc。；
‘J。 Juke。'
〃On receiving this extraordinary reply； our Mr。 Trip asked for the original
letter sent from him； and found that the typewriter had indeed substituted
these demented hieroglyphics for the sentences really dictated to her。
Our Mr。 Trip interviewed the girl； fearing that she was in an
unbalanced state； and was not much reassured when she merely remarked
that she always went like that when she heard the barrel organ。
Becoming yet more hysterical and extravagant； she made a series of most
improbable statementsas； that she was engaged to the barrel…organ man；
that he was in the habit of serenading her on that instrument；
that she was in the habit of playing back to him upon the typewriter
（in the style of King Richard and Blondel）； and that the organ man's
musical ear was so exquisite and his adoration of herself so ardent
that he could detect the note of the different letters on the machine；
and was enraptured by them as by a melody。 To all these statements
of course our Mr。 Trip and the rest of us only paid that sort of assent
that is paid to persons who must as quickly as possible be put in the
charge of their relations。 But on our conducting the lady downstairs；
her story received the most startling and even exasperating confirmation；
for the organ…grinder； an enormous man with a small head and manifestly
a fellow…lunatic； had pushed his barrel organ in at the office doors
like a battering…ram； and was boisterously demanding his alleged fiancee。
When I myself came on the scene he was flinging his great； ape…like arms about
and reciting a poem to her。 But we were used to lunatics coming and reciting
poems in our office； and we were not quite prepared for what followed。
The actual verse he uttered began； I think；
‘O vivid； inviolate head；
Ringed '
but he never got any further。 Mr。 Trip made a sharp
movement towards him； and the next moment the giant picked
up the poor lady typewriter like a doll； sat her on top
of the organ； ran it with a crash out of the office doors；
and raced away down the street like a flying wheelbarrow。
I put the police upon the matter； but no trace of the amazing
pair could be found。 I was sorry myself； for the lady was
not only pleasant but unusually cultivated for her position。
As I am leaving the service of Messrs。 Hanbury and Bootle； I put
these things in a record and leave it with them。
〃（Signed） Aubrey Clarke；
Publishers' reader。〃
〃And the last document；〃 said Dr。 Pym complacently； 〃is from
one of those high…souled women who have in this age introduced
your English girlhood to hockey； the higher mathematics；
and every form of ideality。
〃Dear Sir （she writes）；I have no objection to telling you
the facts about the absurd incident you mention； though I would
ask you to communicate them with some caution； for such things；
however entertaining in the abstract； are not always auxiliary
to the success of a girls' school。 The truth is this：
I wanted some one to deliver a lecture on a philological
or historical questiona lecture which； while containing
solid educational matter； should be a little more popular and
entertaining than usual； as it was the last lecture of the term。
I remembered that a Mr。 Smith of Cambridge had written somewhere
or other an amusing essay about his own somewhat ubiquitous name
an essay which showed considerable knowledge of genealogy
and topography。 I wrote to him； asking if he would come and
give us a bright address upon English surnames； and he did。
It was very bright； almost too bright。 To put the matter otherwise；
by the time that he was halfway through it became apparent
to the other mistresses and myself that the man was totally
and entirely off his head。 He began rationally enough by dealing
with the two departments of place names and trade names； and he said
（quite rightly； I dare say） that the loss of all significance
in names was an instance of the deadening of civilization。
But then he went on calmly to maintain that every man who had
a place name ought to go to live in that place； and that every
man who had a trade name ought instantly to adopt that trade；
that people named after colours should always dress in those colours；
and that people named after trees or plants （such as Beech or Rose）
ought to surround and decorate themselves with these vegetables。
In a slight discussion that arose afterwards among the elder girls
the difficulties of the proposal were clearly； and even eage