notes from the underground- 第13部分

〃Can　you　imagine；〃　Ferfitchkin　interrupted　hotly　and　conceitedly；

like　some　insolent　flunkey　boasting　of　his　master　the　General's

decorations；　〃can　you　imagine　that　Zverkov　will　let　us　pay　alone？　

He　will　accept　from　delicacy；　but　he　will　order　half　a　dozen

bottles　of　champagne。〃



〃Do　we　want　half　a　dozen　for　the　four　of　us？〃　observed

Trudolyubov；　taking　notice　only　of　the　half　dozen。



〃So　the　three　of　us；　with　Zverkov　for　the　fourth；　twenty…one

roubles；　at　the　Hotel　de　Paris　at　five　o'clock　tomorrow；〃

Simonov；　who　had　been　asked　to　make　the　arrangements；　concluded

finally。



〃How　twenty…one　roubles？〃　I　asked　in　some　agitation；　with　a　show

of　being　offended；　〃if　you　count　me　it　will　not　be　twenty…one；

but　twenty…eight　roubles。〃



It　seemed　to　me　that　to　invite　myself　so　suddenly　and

unexpectedly　would　be　positively　graceful；　and　that　they　would

all　be　conquered　at　once　and　would　look　at　me　with　respect。



〃Do　you　want　to　join；　too？〃　Simonov　observed；　with　no　appearance

of　pleasure；　seeming　to　avoid　looking　at　me。　　He　knew　me　through

and　through。



It　infuriated　me　that　he　knew　me　so　thoroughly。



〃Why　not？　　I　am　an　old　schoolfellow　of　his；　too；　I　believe；　and　I

must　own　I　feel　hurt　that　you　have　left　me　out；〃　I　said；　boiling

over　again。



〃And　where　were　we　to　find　you？〃　Ferfitchkin　put　in　roughly。



〃You　never　were　on　good　terms　with　Zverkov；〃　Trudolyubov　added；

frowning。



But　I　had　already　clutched　at　the　idea　and　would　not　give　it　up。



〃It　seems　to　me　that　no　one　has　a　right　to　form　an　opinion　upon

that；〃　I　retorted　in　a　shaking　voice；　as　though　something

tremendous　had　happened。　　〃Perhaps　that　is　just　my　reason　for

wishing　it　now；　that　I　have　not　always　been　on　good　terms　with

him。〃



〃Oh；　there's　no　making　you　out。。。with　these　refinements；〃

Trudolyubov　jeered。



〃We'll　put　your　name　down；〃　Simonov　decided；　addressing　me。　

〃Tomorrow　at　five…o'clock　at　the　Hotel　de　Paris。〃



〃What　about　the　money？〃　Ferfitchkin　began　in　an　undertone；

indicating　me　to　Simonov；　but　he　broke　off；　for　even　Simonov　was

embarrassed。



〃That　will　do；〃　said　Trudolyubov；　getting　up。　　〃If　he　wants　to

come　so　much；　let　him。〃



〃But　it's　a　private　thing；　between　us　friends；〃　Ferfitchkin　said

crossly；　as　he；　too；　picked　up　his　hat。　　〃It's　not　an　official

gathering。〃



〃We　do　not　want　at　all；　perhaps。。。〃



They　went　away。　　Ferfitchkin　did　not　greet　me　in　any　way　as　he

went　out；　Trudolyubov　barely　nodded。　　Simonov；　with　whom　I　was

left　tete…a…tete；　was　in　a　state　of　vexation　and　perplexity；　and

looked　at　me　queerly。　　He　did　not　sit　down　and　did　not　ask　me　to。



〃H'm　。。。　yes　。。。　tomorrow；　then。　　Will　you　pay　your　subscription

now？　　I　just　ask　so　as　to　know；〃　he　muttered　in　embarrassment。



I　flushed　crimson；　as　I　did　so　I　remembered　that　I　had　owed

Simonov　fifteen　roubles　for　ageswhich　I　had；　indeed；　never

forgotten；　though　I　had　not　paid　it。



〃You　will　understand；　Simonov；　that　I　could　have　no　idea　when　I

came　here。。。。I　am　very　much　vexed　that　I　have　forgotten　。。。。〃



〃All　right；　all　right；　that　doesn't　matter。　　You　can　pay　tomorrow

after　the　dinner。　　I　simply　wanted　to　know。。。。Please　don't。。。〃



He　broke　off　and　began　pacing　the　room　still　more　vexed。　　As　he

walked　he　began　to　stamp　with　his　heels。



〃Am　I　keeping　you？〃　I　asked；　after　two　minutes　of　silence。



〃Oh！〃　he　said；　starting；　〃that　isto　be　truthfulyes。　　I　have

to　go　and　see　someone。。。not　far　from　here；〃　he　added　in　an

apologetic　voice；　somewhat　abashed。



〃My　goodness；　why　didn't　you　say　so？〃　I　cried；　seizing　my　cap；

with　an　astonishingly　free…and…easy　air；　which　was　the　last　thing

I　should　have　expected　of　myself



〃It's　close　by。。。not　two　paces　away；〃　Simonov　repeated；

accompanying　me　to　the　front　door　with　a　fussy　air　which　did　not

suit　him　at　all。　　〃So　five　o'clock；　punctually；　tomorrow；〃　he

called　down　the　stairs　after　me。　　He　was　very　glad　to　get　rid　of

me。　　I　was　in　a　fury。



〃What　possessed　me；　what　possessed　me　to　force　myself　upon　them？〃

I　wondered；　grinding　my　teeth　as　I　strode　along　the　street；　〃for

a　scoundrel；　a　pig　like　that　Zverkov！　　Of　course　I　had　better　not

go；　of　course；　I　must　just　snap　my　fingers　at　them。　　I　am　not

bound　in　any　way。　　I'll　send　Simonov　a　note　by　tomorrow's

post。。。。〃



But　what　made　me　furious　was　that　I　knew　for　certain　that　I

should　go；　that　I　should　make　a　point　of　going；　and　the　more

tactless；　the　more　unseemly　my　going　would　be；　the　more　certainly

I　would　go。



And　there　was　a　positive　obstacle　to　my　going：　I　had　no　money。　

All　I　had　was　nine　roubles；　I　had　to　give　seven　of　that　to　my

servant；　Apollon；　for　his　monthly　wages。　　That　was　all　I　paid

himhe　had　to　keep　himself。



Not　to　pay　him　was　impossible；　considering　his　character。　　But　I

will　talk　about　that　fellow；　about　that　plague　of　mine；　another

time。



However；　I　knew　I　should　go　and　should　not　pay　him　his　wages。



That　night　I　had　the　most　hideous　dreams。　　No　wonder；　all　the

evening　I　had　been　oppressed　by　memories　of　my　miserable　days　at

school；　and　I　could　not　shake　them　off。　　I　was　sent　to　the　school

by　distant　relations；　upon　whom　I　was　dependent　and　of　whom　I

have　heard　nothing　sincethey　sent　me　there　a　forlorn；　silent

boy；　already　crushed　by　their　reproaches；　already　troubled　by

doubt；　and　looking　with　savage　distrust　at　everyone。　　My

schoolfellows　met　me　with　spiteful　and　merciless　jibes　because　I

was　not　like　any　of　them。　　But　I　could　not　endure　their　taunts；　I

could　not　give　in　to　them　with　the　ignoble　readiness　with　which

they　gave　in　to　one　another。　　I　hated　them　from　the　first；　and

shut　myself　away　from　everyone　in　timid；　wounded　and

disproportionate　pride。　　Their　coarseness　revolted　me。　　They

laughed　cynically　at　my　face；　at　my　clumsy　figure；　and　yet　what

stupid　faces　they　had　themselves。　　In　our　school　the　boys'　faces

seemed　in　a　special　way　to　degenerate　and　grow　stupider。　　How

many　fine…looking　boys　came　to　us！　　In　a　few　years　they　became

repulsive。　　Even　at　sixteen　I　wondered　at　them　morosely；　even

then　I　was　struck　by　the　pettiness　of　their　thoughts；　the

stupidity　of　their　pursuits；　their　games；　their　conversations。　

They　had　no　understanding　of　such　essential　things；　they　took　no

interest　in　such　striking；　impressive　subjects；　that　I　could　not

help　considering　them　inferior　to　myself。　　It　was　not　wounded

vanity　that　drove　me　to　it；　and　for　God's　sake　do　not　thrust　upon

me　your　hackneyed　remarks；　repeated　to　nausea；　that　〃I　was　only　a

dreamer；〃　while　they　even　then　had　an　understanding　of　life。　

They　understood　nothing；　they　had　no　idea　of　real　life；　and　I

swear　that　that　was　what　made　me　most　indignant　with　them。　　On

the　contrary；　the　most　obvious；　striking　reality　they　accepted

with　fantastic　stupidity　and　even　at　that　time　were　accustomed　to

respect　success。　　Everything　that　was　just；　but　oppressed　and

looked　down　upon；　they　laughed　at　heartlessly　and　shamefully。　

They　took　rank　for　intelligence；　even　at　sixteen　they　were

already　talking　about　a　snug　berth。　　Of　course；　a　great　deal　of

it　was　due　to　their　stupidity；　to　the　bad　examples　with　which

they　had　always　been　surrounded　in　their　childhood　and　boyhood。　

They　were　monstrously　depraved。　　Of　course　a　great　deal　of　that；

too；　was　superficial　and　an　assumption　of　cynicism；　of　course

there　were　glimpses　of　youth　and　freshness　even　in　their

depravity；　but　even　that　freshness　was　not　attractive；　and　showed

itself　in　a　certain　rakishness。　　I　hated　them　horribly；　though

perhaps　I　was　worse　than　any　of　them。　　They　repaid　me　in　the　same

way；　and　did　not　conceal　their　aversion　for　me。　　But　by　then　I

did　not　desire　their　affection：　on　the　contrary；　I　continually

longed　for　their　humiliation。　　To　escape　from　their　derision　I

purposely　began　to　make　all　the　progress　I　could　with　my　studies

and　forced　my　way　to　the　very　top。　　This　impressed　them。　

Moreover；　they　all　began　by　degrees　to　grasp　that　I　had　already

read　books　none　of　them　could　read；　and　understood　things　（not

forming　part　of　our　school　curriculum）　of　which　they　had　not　even

heard。　　They　took　a　savage　and　sarcastic　view　of　it；　but　were

morally　impressed；　especially　as　the　teachers　began　to　notice　me

on　those　grounds。　　The　mockery　ceased；　but　the　hostility

remained；　and　cold　and　strained　relations　became　permanent

between　us。　　In　the　end　I　could　not　put　up　with　it：　with　years　a

craving　for　society；　for　friends；　developed　in　me。　I　attempted　to

get　on　friendly　terms　with　some　of　my　schoolfellows；　but　somehow

or　other　my　intimacy　with　them　was　always　strained　and　soon　ended

of　itself。　　Once；　indeed；　I　did　have　a　friend。　　But　I　was　already

a　tyrant　at　heart；　I　wanted　to　exercise　unbounded　sway　over　him；

I　tried　to　instil　into　him　a　contempt　for　his　surroundings；　I

required　of　him　a　disdainful　and　complete　break　with　those

surroundings。　　I　frightened　him　with　my　passionate　affection；　I

reduced　him　to　tears；　to　hysterics。　　He　was　a　simple　and　devoted

soul；　but　when　he　devoted　himself　to　me　entirely　I　began　to　hate

him　immediately　and　repulsed　himas　though　all　I　needed　him　for

was　to　win　a　victory　over　him；　to　subjugate　him　and　nothing　else。　

But　I　could　not　subjugate　all　of　them；　my　friend　was　not　at　all

like　them　either；　he　was；　in　fact；　a　rare　exception。　　The　first

thing　I　did　on　leaving　school　was　to　give　up　the　special　job　for

which　I　had　been　destined　so　as　to　break　all　ties；　to　curse　my

past　and　shake　the　dust　from　off　my　feet。。。。　And　goodness　knows

why；　after　all　that；　I　should　go　trudging　off　to　Simonov's！



Early　next　morning　I　roused　myself　and　jumped　out　of　bed　with

excitement；　as　though　it　were　all　about　to　happen　at　once。　　But　I

believed　that　some　radical　change　in　my　life　was　coming；　and

would　inevitably　come　that　day。　　Owing　to　its　rarity；　perhaps；

any　external　event；　however　trivial；　always　made　me　feel　as

th