notes from the underground- 第14部分

any　external　event；　however　trivial；　always　made　me　feel　as

though　some　radical　change　in　my　life　were　at　hand。　　I　went　to

the　office；　however；　as　usual；　but　sneaked　away　home　two　hours

earlier　to　get　ready。　　The　great　thing；　I　thought；　is　not　to　be

the　first　to　arrive；　or　they　will　think　I　am　overjoyed　at　coming。　

But　there　were　thousands　of　such　great　points　to　consider；　and

they　all　agitated　and　overwhelmed　me。　　I　polished　my　boots　a

second　time　with　my　own　hands；　nothing　in　the　world　would　have

induced　Apollon　to　clean　them　twice　a　day；　as　he　considered　that

it　was　more　than　his　duties　required　of　him。　　I　stole　the　brushes

to　clean　them　from　the　passage；　being　careful　he　should　not

detect　it；　for　fear　of　his　contempt。　　Then　I　minutely　examined　my

clothes　and　thought　that　everything　looked　old；　worn　and

threadbare。　　I　had　let　myself　get　too　slovenly。　　My　uniform；

perhaps；　was　tidy；　but　I　could　not　go　out　to　dinner　in　my

uniform。　　The　worst　of　it　was　that　on　the　knee　of　my　trousers　was

a　big　yellow　stain。　　I　had　a　foreboding　that　that　stain　would

deprive　me　of　nine…tenths　of　my　personal　dignity。　　I　knew；　too；

that　it　was　very　poor　to　think　so。　　〃But　this　is　no　time　for

thinking：　now　I　am　in　for　the　real　thing；〃　I　thought；　and　my

heart　sank。　　I　knew；　too；　perfectly　well　even　then；　that　I　was

monstrously　exaggerating　the　facts。　　But　how　could　I　help　it？　　I

could　not　control　myself　and　was　already　shaking　with　fever。　

With　despair　I　pictured　to　myself　how　coldly　and　disdainfully

that　〃scoundrel〃　Zverkov　would　meet　me；　with　what　dull…witted；

invincible　contempt　the　blockhead　Trudolyubov　would　look　at　me；

with　what　impudent　rudeness　the　insect　Ferfitchkin　would　snigger

at　me　in　order　to　curry　favour　with　Zverkov；　how　completely

Simonov　would　take　it　all　in；　and　how　he　would　despise　me　for　the

abjectness　of　my　vanity　and　lack　of　spiritand；　worst　of　all；

how　paltry；　_unliterary_；　commonplace　it　would　all　be。　　Of

course；　the　best　thing　would　be　not　to　go　at　all。　　But　that　was

most　impossible　of　all：　if　I　feel　impelled　to　do　anything；　I　seem

to　be　pitchforked　into　it。　　I　should　have　jeered　at　myself　ever

afterwards：　〃So　you　funked　it；　you　funked　it；　you　funked　the

_real　thing_！〃　　On　the　contrary；　I　passionately　longed　to　show

all　that　〃rabble〃　that　I　was　by　no　means　such　a　spiritless

creature　as　I　seemed　to　myself。　　What　is　more；　even　in　the

acutest　paroxysm　of　this　cowardly　fever；　I　dreamed　of　getting　the

upper　hand；　of　dominating　them；　carrying　them　away；　making　them

like　meif　only　for　my　〃elevation　of　thought　and　unmistakable

wit。〃　They　would　abandon　Zverkov；　he　would　sit　on　one　side；

silent　and　ashamed；　while　I　should　crush　him。　　Then；　perhaps；　we

would　be　reconciled　and　drink　to　our　everlasting　friendship；　but

what　was　most　bitter　and　humiliating　for　me　was　that　I　knew　even

then；　knew　fully　and　for　certain；　that　I　needed　nothing　of　all

this　really；　that　I　did　not　really　want　to　crush；　to　subdue；　to

attract　them；　and　that　I　did　not　care　a　straw　really　for　the

result；　even　if　I　did　achieve　it。　　Oh；　how　I　prayed　for　the　day

to　pass　quickly！　　In　unutterable　anguish　I　went　to　the　window；

opened　the　movable　pane　and　looked　out　into　the　troubled　darkness

of　the　thickly　falling　wet　snow。　　At　last　my　wretched　little

clock　hissed　out　five。　　I　seized　my　hat　and；　trying　not　to　look

at　Apollon；　who　had　been　all　day　expecting　his　month's　wages；　but

in　his　foolishness　was　unwilling　to　be　the　first　to　speak　about

it；　I　slipped　between　him　and　the　door　and；　lumping　into　a

high…class　sledge；　on　which　I　spent　my　last　half　rouble；　I　drove

up　in　grand　style　to　the　Hotel　de　Paris。



　

IV



I　had　been　certain　the　day　before　that　I　should　be　the　first　to

arrive。　　But　it　was　not　a　question　of　being　the　first　to　arrive。　

Not　only　were　they　not　there；　but　I　had　difficulty　in　finding　our

room。　　The　table　was　not　laid　even。　　What　did　it　mean？　　After　a

good　many　questions　I　elicited　from　the　waiters　that　the　dinner

had　been　ordered　not　for　five；　but　for　six　o'clock。　　This　was

confirmed　at　the　buffet　too。　　I　felt　really　ashamed　to　go　on

questioning　them。　　It　was　only　twenty…five　minutes　past　five。　　If

they　changed　the　dinner　hour　they　ought　at　least　to　have　let　me

knowthat　is　what　the　post　is　for；　and　not　to　have　put　me　in　an

absurd　position　in　my　own　eyes　and。。。and　even　before　the　waiters。　

I　sat　down；　the　servant　began　laying　the　table；　I　felt　even　more

humiliated　when　he　was　present。　　Towards　six　o'clock　they　brought

in　candles；　though　there　were　lamps　burning　in　the　room。　　It　had

not　occurred　to　the　waiter；　however；　to　bring　them　in　at　once

when　I　arrived。　　In　the　next　room　two　gloomy；　angry…looking

persons　were　eating　their　dinners　in　silence　at　two　different

tables。　　There　was　a　great　deal　of　noise；　even　shouting；　in　a

room　further　away；　one　could　hear　the　laughter　of　a　crowd　of

people；　and　nasty　little　shrieks　in　French：　there　were　ladies　at

the　dinner。　　It　was　sickening；　in　fact。　　I　rarely　passed　more

unpleasant　moments；　so　much　so　that　when　they　did　arrive　all

together　punctually　at　six　I　was　overjoyed　to　see　them；　as　though

they　were　my　deliverers；　and　even　forgot　that　it　was　incumbent

upon　me　to　show　resentment。　　　　　　



Zverkov　walked　in　at　the　head　of　them；　evidently　he　was　the

leading　spirit。　　He　and　all　of　them　were　laughing；　but；　seeing

me；　Zverkov　drew　himself　up　a　little；　walked　up　to　me

deliberately　with　a　slight；　rather　jaunty　bend　from　the　waist。　

He　shook　hands　with　me　in　a　friendly；　but　not　over…friendly；

fashion；　with　a　sort　of　circumspect　courtesy　like　that　of　a

General；　as　though　in　giving　me　his　hand　he　were　warding　off

something。　　I　had　imagined；　on　the　contrary；　that　on　coming　in　he

would　at　once　break　into　his　habitual　thin；　shrill　laugh　and　fall

to　making　his　insipid　jokes　and　witticisms。　　I　had　been　preparing

for　them　ever　since　the　previous　day；　but　I　had　not　expected　such

condescension；　such　high…official　courtesy。　　So；　then；　he　felt

himself　ineffably　superior　to　me　in　every　respect！　　If　he　only

meant　to　insult　me　by　that　high…official　tone；　it　would　not

matter；　I　thoughtI　could　pay　him　back　for　it　one　way　or

another。　　But　what　if；　in　reality；　without　the　least　desire　to　be

offensive；　that　sheepshead　had　a　notion　in　earnest　that　he　was

superior　to　me　and　could　only　look　at　me　in　a　patronising　way？　

The　very　supposition　made　me　gasp。



〃I　was　surprised　to　hear　of　your　desire　to　join　us；〃　he　began；

lisping　and　drawling；　which　was　something　new。　　〃You　and　I　seem

to　have　seen　nothing　of　one　another。　　You　shy　away　from　us。　　You

shouldn't。　　We　are　not　such　terrible　people　as　you　think。　　Well；

anyway；　I　am　glad　to　renew　our　acquaintance。〃



And　he　turned　carelessly　to　put　down　his　hat　on　the　window。



〃Have　you　been　waiting　long？〃　Trudolyubov　inquired。



〃I　arrived　at　five　o'clock　as　you　told　me　yesterday；〃　I　answered

aloud；　with　an　irritability　that　threatened　an　explosion。



〃Didn't　you　let　him　know　that　we　had　changed　the　hour？〃　said

Trudolyubov　to　Simonov。



〃No；　I　didn't。　　I　forgot；〃　the　latter　replied；　with　no　sign　of

regret；　and　without　even　apologising　to　me　he　went　off　to　order

the　hors　d'oeuvre。



〃So　you've　been　here　a　whole　hour？　　Oh；　poor　fellow！〃　Zverkov

cried　ironically；　for　to　his　notions　this　was　bound　to　be

extremely　funny。　　That　rascal　Ferfitchkin　followed　with　his　nasty

little　snigger　like　a　puppy　yapping。　　My　position　struck　him；

too；　as　exquisitely　ludicrous　and　embarrassing。



〃It　isn't　funny　at　all！〃　I　cried　to　Ferfitchkin；　more　and　more

irritated。　　〃It　wasn't　my　fault；　but　other　people's。　　They

neglected　to　let　me　know。　　It　was。。。it　was。。。it　was　simply

absurd。〃



〃It's　not　only　absurd；　but　something　else　as　well；〃　muttered

Trudolyubov；　naively　taking　my　part。　　〃You　are　not　hard　enough

upon　it。　　It　was　simply　rudenessunintentional；　of　course。　　And

how　could　Simonov。。。h'm！〃



〃If　a　trick　like　that　had　been　played　on　me；〃　observed

Ferfitchkin；　〃I　should。。。〃



〃But　you　should　have　ordered　something　for　yourself；〃　Zverkov

interrupted；　〃or　simply　asked　for　dinner　without　waiting　for　us。〃



〃You　will　allow　that　I　might　have　done　that　without　your

permission；〃　I　rapped　out。　　〃If　I　waited；　it　was。。。〃



〃Let　us　sit　down；　gentlemen；〃　cried　Simonov；　coming　in。　

〃Everything　is　ready；　I　can　answer　for　the　champagne；　it　is

capitally　frozen。。。。You　see；　I　did　not　know　your　address；　where

was　I　to　look　for　you？〃　he　suddenly　turned　to　me；　but　again　he

seemed　to　avoid　looking　at　me。　　Evidently　he　had　something

against　me。　　It　must　have　been　what　happened　yesterday。



All　sat　down；　I　did　the　same。　　It　was　a　round　table。　　Trudolyubov

was　on　my　left；　Simonov　on　my　right；　Zverkov　was　sitting

opposite；　Ferfitchkin　next　to　him；　between　him　and　Trudolyubov。



〃Tell　me；　are　you。。。in　a　government　office？〃　Zverkov　went　on

attending　to　me。　　Seeing　that　I　was　embarrassed　he　seriously

thought　that　he　ought　to　be　friendly　to　me；　and；　so　to　speak；

cheer　me　up。



〃Does　he　want　me　to　throw　a　bottle　at　his　head？〃　I　thought；　in　a

fury。　　In　my　novel　surroundings　I　was　unnaturally　ready　to　be

irritated。　　　　　　



〃In　the　N…　office；〃　I　answered　jerkily；　with　my　eyes　on　my

plate。



〃And　ha…ave　you　a　go…od　berth？　　I　say；　what　ma…a…de　you　leave

your　original　job？〃



〃What　ma…a…de　me　was　that　I　wanted　to　leave　my　original　job；〃　I

drawled　more　than　he；　hardly　able　to　control　myself。　　Ferfitchkin

went　off　into　a　guffaw。　　Simonov　looked　at　me　ironically。　

Trudolyubov　left　off　eating　and　began　looking　at　me　with

curiosity。



Zverkov　winced；　but　he　tried　not　to　notice　it。



　〃And　the　remuneration？〃



〃What　remuneration？〃



〃I　mean；　your　sa…a…lary？〃



〃Why　are　you　cross…examining　me？〃　　However；　I　told　him　at　once

what　my　salary　was。　　I　turned　horribly　red。



〃It　is　not　very　handsome；〃　Zverkov　observed　majestically



〃Yes；