notes from the underground- 第16部分

humiliation　those　filthiest；　most　ludicrous；　and　most　awful

moments　of　my　life。　　No　one　could　have　gone　out　of　his　way　to

degrade　himself　more　shamelessly；　and　I　fully　realised　it；　fully；

and　yet　I　went　on　pacing　up　and　down　from　the　table　to　the　stove。　

〃Oh；　if　you　only　knew　what　thoughts　and　feelings　I　am　capable　of；

how　cultured　I　am！〃　I　thought　at　moments；　mentally　addressing　the

sofa　on　which　my　enemies　were　sitting。　　But　my　enemies　behaved　as

though　I　were　not　in　the　room。　　Onceonly　oncethey　turned

towards　me；　just　when　Zverkov　was　talking　about　Shakespeare；　and

I　suddenly　gave　a　contemptuous　laugh。　　I　laughed　in　such　an

affected　and　disgusting　way　that　they　all　at　once　broke　off　their

conversation；　and　silently　and　gravely　for　two　minutes　watched　me

walking　up　and　down　from　the　table　to　the　stove；　_taking　no

notice　of　them_。　　But　nothing　came　of　it：　they　said　nothing；　and

two　minutes　later　they　ceased　to　notice　me　again。　It　struck

eleven。



〃Friends；〃　cried　Zverkov　getting　up　from　the　sofa；　〃let　us　all　be

off　now；　_there_！〃



〃Of　course；　of　course；〃　the　others　assented。　　I　turned　sharply　to

Zverkov。　　I　was　so　harassed；　so　exhausted；　that　I　would　have　cut

my　throat　to　put　an　end　to　it。　　I　was　in　a　fever；　my　hair；　soaked

with　perspiration；　stuck　to　my　forehead　and　temples。



〃Zverkov；　I　beg　your　pardon；〃　I　said　abruptly　and　resolutely。　

〃Ferfitchkin；　yours　too；　and　everyone's；　everyone's：　I　have

insulted　you　all！〃



〃Aha！　　A　duel　is　not　in　your　line；　old　man；〃　Ferfitchkin　hissed

venomously。



It　sent　a　sharp　pang　to　my　heart。



〃No；　it's　not　the　duel　I　am　afraid　of；　Ferfitchkin！　　I　am　ready

to　fight　you　tomorrow；　after　we　are　reconciled。　　I　insist　upon

it；　in　fact；　and　you　cannot　refuse。　　I　want　to　show　you　that　I　am

not　afraid　of　a　duel。　　You　shall　fire　first　and　I　shall　fire　into

the　air。〃



〃He　is　comforting　himself；〃　said　Simonov。



〃He's　simply　raving；〃　said　Trudolyubov。



〃But　let　us　pass。　　Why　are　you　barring　our　way？　　What　do　you

want？〃　Zverkov　answered　disdainfully



They　were　all　flushed；　their　eyes　were　bright：　they　had　been

drinking　heavily。



〃I　ask　for　your　friendship；　Zverkov；　I　insulted　you；　but。。。〃



〃Insulted？　　_You_　insulted　_me_？　　Understand；　sir；　that　you

never；　under　any　circumstances；　could　possibly　insult　_me_。〃



〃And　that's　enough　for　you。　　Out　of　the　way！〃　concluded

Trudolyubov。



　〃Olympia　is　mine；　friends；　that's　agreed！〃　cried　Zverkov。



〃We　won't　dispute　your　right；　we　won't　dispute　your　right；〃　the

others　answered；　laughing。



I　stood　as　though　spat　upon。　　The　party　went　noisily　out　of　the

room。　　Trudolyubov　struck　up　some　stupid　song。　　Simonov　remained

behind　for　a　moment　to　tip　the　waiters。　　I　suddenly　went　up　to

him。



〃Simonov！　　give　me　six　roubles！〃　I　said；　with　desperate

resolution。



He　looked　at　me　in　extreme　amazement；　with　vacant　eyes。　　　He；

too；　was　drunk。



〃You　don't　mean　you　are　coming　with　us？〃



〃Yes。〃



〃I've　no　money；〃　he　snapped　out；　and　with　a　scornful　laugh　he

went　out　of　the　room。



I　clutched　at　his　overcoat。　　It　was　a　nightmare。



〃Simonov；　I　saw　you　had　money。　　Why　do　you　refuse　me？　　Am　I　a

scoundrel？　　Beware　of　refusing　me：　if　you　knew；　if　you　knew　why　I

am　asking！　　My　whole　future；　my　whole　plans　depend　upon　it！〃



Simonov　pulled　out　the　money　and　almost　flung　it　at　me。



〃Take　it；　if　you　have　no　sense　of　shame！〃　he　pronounced

pitilessly；　and　ran　to　overtake　them。



I　was　left　for　a　moment　alone。　　Disorder；　the　remains　of　dinner；

a　broken　wine…glass　on　the　floor；　spilt　wine；　cigarette　ends；

fumes　of　drink　and　delirium　in　my　brain；　an　agonising　misery　in

my　heart　and　finally　the　waiter；　who　had　seen　and　heard　all　and

was　looking　inquisitively　into　my　face。



〃I　am　going　there！〃　I　cried。　　〃Either　they　shall　all　go　down　on

their　knees　to　beg　for　my　friendship；　or　I　will　give　Zverkov　a

slap　in　the　face！〃

　



V



〃So　this　is　it；　this　is　it　at　lastcontact　with　real　life；〃　I

muttered　as　I　ran　headlong　downstairs。　　〃This　is　very　different

from　the　Pope's　leaving　Rome　and　going　to　Brazil；　very　different

from　the　ball　on　Lake　Como！〃



〃You　are　a　scoundrel；〃　a　thought　flashed　through　my　mind；　〃if　you

laugh　at　this　now。〃



〃No　matter！〃　I　cried；　answering　myself。　　〃Now　everything　is

lost！〃



There　was　no　trace　to　be　seen　of　them；　but　that　made　no

differenceI　knew　where　they　had　gone。



At　the　steps　was　standing　a　solitary　night　sledge…driver　in　a

rough　peasant　coat；　powdered　over　with　the　still　falling；　wet；

and　as　it　were　warm；　snow。　　It　was　hot　and　steamy。　　The　little

shaggy　piebald　horse　was　also　covered　with　snow　and　coughing；　I

remember　that　very　well。　　I　made　a　rush　for　the　roughly　made

sledge；　but　as　soon　as　I　raised　my　foot　to　get　into　it；　the

recollection　of　how　Simonov　had　just　given　me　six　roubles　seemed

to　double　me　up　and　I　tumbled　into　the　sledge　like　a　sack。



〃No；　I　must　do　a　great　deal　to　make　up　for　all　that；〃　I　cried。　

〃But　I　will　make　up　for　it　or　perish　on　the　spot　this　very　night。　

Start！〃



We　set　off。　　There　was　a　perfect　whirl　in　my　head。



〃They　won't　go　down　on　their　knees　to　beg　for　my　friendship。　

That　is　a　mirage；　cheap　mirage；　revolting；　romantic　and

fantasticalthat's　another　ball　on　Lake　Como。　　And　so　I　am　bound

to　slap　Zverkov's　face！　　It　is　my　duty　to。　　And　so　it　is　settled；

I　am　flying　to　give　him　a　slap　in　the　face。　　Hurry　up！〃



The　driver　tugged　at　the　reins。



〃As　soon　as　I　go　in　I'll　give　it　him。　　Ought　I　before　giving　him

the　slap　to　say　a　few　words　by　way　of　preface？　　No。　I'll　simply

go　in　and　give　it　him。　　They　will　all　be　sitting　in　the

drawing…room；　and　he　with　Olympia　on　the　sofa。　　That　damned

Olympia！　　She　laughed　at　my　looks　on　one　occasion　and　refused　me。　

I'll　pull　Olympia's　hair；　pull　Zverkov's　ears！　　No；　better　one

ear；　and　pull　him　by　it　round　the　room。　　Maybe　they　will　all

begin　beating　me　and　will　kick　me　out。　　That's　most　likely；

indeed。　　No　matter！　　Anyway；　I　shall　first　slap　him；　the

initiative　will　be　mine；　and　by　the　laws　of　honour　that　is

everything：　he　will　be　branded　and　cannot　wipe　off　the　slap　by

any　blows；　by　nothing　but　a　duel。　　He　will　be　forced　to　fight。　

And　let　them　beat　me　now。　　Let　them；　the　ungrateful　wretches！　

Trudolyubov　will　beat　me　hardest；　he　is　so　strong；　Ferfitchkin

will　be　sure　to　catch　hold　sideways　and　tug　at　my　hair。　　But　no

matter；　no　matter！　　That's　what　I　am　going　for。　　The　blockheads

will　be　forced　at　last　to　see　the　tragedy　of　it　all！　　When　they

drag　me　to　the　door　I　shall　call　out　to　them　that　in　reality　they

are　not　worth　my　little　finger。　　Get　on；　driver；　get　on！〃　I　cried

to　the　driver。　　He　started　and　flicked　his　whip；　I　shouted　so

savagely。



〃We　shall　fight　at　daybreak；　that's　a　settled　thing。　　I've　done

with　the　office。　　Ferfitchkin　made　a　joke　about　it　just　now。　　But

where　can　I　get　pistols？　　Nonsense！　　I'll　get　my　salary　in

advance　and　buy　them。　　And　powder；　and　bullets？　　That's　the

second's　business。　　And　how　can　it　all　be　done　by　daybreak？　　and

where　am　I　to　get　a　second？　　I　have　no　friends。　　Nonsense！〃　I

cried；　lashing　myself　up　more　and　more。　　〃It's　of　no　consequence！　

the　first　person　I　meet　in　the　street　is　bound　to　be　my　second；

just　as　he　would　be　bound　to　pull　a　drowning　man　out　of　water。　

The　most　eccentric　things　may　happen。　　Even　if　I　were　to　ask　the

director　himself　to　be　my　second　tomorrow；　he　would　be　bound　to

consent；　if　only　from　a　feeling　of　chivalry；　and　to　keep　the

secret！　　Anton　Antonitch。。。。〃



The　fact　is；　that　at　that　very　minute　the　disgusting　absurdity　of

my　plan　and　the　other　side　of　the　question　was　clearer　and　more

vivid　to　my　imagination　than　it　could　be　to　anyone　on　earth。　　But

。。。。



〃Get　on；　driver；　get　on；　you　rascal；　get　on！〃



〃Ugh；　sir！〃　said　the　son　of　toil。



Cold　shivers　suddenly　ran　down　me。　　Wouldn't　it　be　better。。。to　go

straight　home？　　My　God；　my　God！　　Why　did　I　invite　myself　to　this

dinner　yesterday？　　But　no；　it's　impossible。　　And　my　walking　up

and　down　for　three　hours　from　the　table　to　the　stove？　　No；　they；

they　and　no　one　else　must　pay　for　my　walking　up　and　down！　　They

must　wipe　out　this　dishonour！　　Drive　on！



And　what　if　they　give　me　into　custody？　　They　won't　dare！　　They'll

be　afraid　of　the　scandal。　　And　what　if　Zverkov　is　so　contemptuous

that　he　refuses　to　fight　a　duel？　　He　is　sure　to；　but　in　that　case

I'll　show　them。。。I　will　turn　up　at　the　posting　station　when　he's

setting　off　tomorrow；　I'll　catch　him　by　the　leg；　I'll　pull　off

his　coat　when　he　gets　into　the　carriage。　　I'll　get　my　teeth　into

his　hand；　I'll　bite　him。　　〃See　what　lengths　you　can　drive　a

desperate　man　to！〃　　He　may　hit　me　on　the　head　and　they　may

belabour　me　from　behind。　　I　will　shout　to　the　assembled

multitude：　〃Look　at　this　young　puppy　who　is　driving　off　to

captivate　the　Circassian　girls　after　letting　me　spit　in　his

face！〃



Of　course；　after　that　everything　will　be　over！　　The　office　will

have　vanished　off　the　face　of　the　earth。　　I　shall　be　arrested；　I

shall　be　tried；　I　shall　be　dismissed　from　the　service；　thrown　in

prison；　sent　to　Siberia。　　Never　mind！　　In　fifteen　years　when　they

let　me　out　of　prison　I　will　trudge　off　to　him；　a　beggar；　in　rags。　

I　shall　find　him　in　some　provincial　town。　　He　will　be　married　and

happy。　　He　will　have　a　grown…up　daughter。。。。　I　shall　say　to　him：

〃Look；　monster；　at　my　hollow　cheeks　and　my　rags！　　I've　lost

everythingmy　career；　my　happiness；　art；　science；　_the　woman　I

loved_；　and　all　through　you。　　Here　are　pistols。　　I　have　come　to

discharge　my　pistol　and。。。and　I。。。forgive　you。　　Then　I　shall　fire

into　the　air　and　he　will　hear　nothing　more　of　me。。。。〃



I　was　actually　on　the　point　of　tears；　though　I　knew　perfectly

well　at　that　moment　that　all　this　was　out　of　Pushkin's　Silvio　and

Lermontov's　Masquerade。　　And　all　at　once　I　felt　horribly　ashamed；

so