notes from the underground- 第15部分

what　my　salary　was。　　I　turned　horribly　red。



〃It　is　not　very　handsome；〃　Zverkov　observed　majestically



〃Yes；　you　can't　afford　to　dine　at　cafes　on　that；〃　Ferfitchkin

added　insolently



〃To　my　thinking　it's　very　poor；〃　Trudolyubov　observed　gravely。



〃And　how　thin　you　have　grown！　　How　you　have　changed！〃　added

Zverkov；　with　a　shade　of　venom　in　his　voice；　scanning　me　and　my

attire　with　a　sort　of　insolent　compassion。



〃Oh；　spare　his　blushes；〃　cried　Ferfitchkin；　sniggering。



〃My　dear　sir；　allow　me　to　tell　you　I　am　not　blushing；〃　I　broke

out　at　last；　〃do　you　hear？　　I　am　dining　here；　at　this　cafe；　at　my

own　expense；　not　at　other　people'snote　that；　Mr。　Ferfitchkin。〃



〃Wha…at？　　Isn't　every　one　here　dining　at　his　own　expense？　　You

would　seem　to　be　。。。〃　Ferfitchkin　flew　out　at　me；　turning　as　red

as　a　lobster；　and　looking　me　in　the　face　with　fury。



〃Tha…at；〃　I　answered；　feeling　I　had　gone　too　far；　〃and　I　imagine

it　would　be　better　to　talk　of　something　more　intelligent。〃



〃You　intend　to　show　off　your　intelligence；　I　suppose？〃



〃Don't　disturb　yourself；　that　would　be　quite　out　of　place　here。〃



〃Why　are　you　clacking　away　like　that；　my　good　sir；　eh？　　Have　you

gone　out　of　your　wits　in　your　office？〃



〃Enough；　gentlemen；　enough！〃　Zverkov　cried；　authoritatively。



〃How　stupid　it　is！〃　muttered　Simonov。



〃It　really　is　stupid。　　We　have　met　here；　a　company　of　friends；

for　a　farewell　dinner　to　a　comrade　and　you　carry　on　an

altercation；〃　said　Trudolyubov；　rudely　addressing　himself　to　me

alone。　　〃You　invited　yourself　to　join　us；　so　don't　disturb　the

general　harmony。〃



〃Enough；　enough！〃　cried　Zverkov。　　〃Give　over；　gentlemen；　it's　out

of　place。　　Better　let　me　tell　you　how　I　nearly　got　married　the

day　before　yesterday　。。。。〃



And　then　followed　a　burlesque　narrative　of　how　this　gentleman　had

almost　been　married　two　days　before。　　There　was　not　a　word　about

the　marriage；　however；　but　the　story　was　adorned　with　generals；

colonels　and　kammer…junkers；　while　Zverkov　almost　took　the　lead

among　them。　　It　was　greeted　with　approving　laughter；　Ferfitchkin

positively　squealed。



No　one　paid　any　attention　to　me；　and　I　sat　crushed　and

humiliated。



〃Good　Heavens；　these　are　not　the　people　for　me！〃　I　thought。　　〃And

what　a　fool　I　have　made　of　myself　before　them！　　I　let　Ferfitchkin

go　too　far；　though。　　The　brutes　imagine　they　are　doing　me　an

honour　in　letting　me　sit　down　with　them。　　They　don't　understand

that　it's　an　honour　to　them　and　not　to　me！　　I've　grown　thinner！　

My　clothes！　　Oh；　damn　my　trousers！　　Zverkov　noticed　the　yellow

stain　on　the　knee　as　soon　as　he　came　in。。。。　But　what's　the　use！　

I　must　get　up　at　once；　this　very　minute；　take　my　hat　and　simply

go　without　a　word。。。with　contempt！　　And　tomorrow　I　can　send　a

challenge。　　The　scoundrels！　　As　though　I　cared　about　the　seven

roubles。　　They　may　think。。。。　Damn　it！　　I　don't　care　about　the

seven　roubles。　　I'll　go　this　minute！〃



Of　course　I　remained。　　I　drank　sherry　and　Lafitte　by　the　glassful

in　my　discomfiture。　　Being　unaccustomed　to　it；　I　was　quickly

affected。　　My　annoyance　increased　as　the　wine　went　to　my　head。　　I

longed　all　at　once　to　insult　them　all　in　a　most　flagrant　manner

and　then　go　away。　　To　seize　the　moment　and　show　what　I　could　do；

so　that　they　would　say；　〃He's　clever；　though　he　is　absurd；〃

and。。。and。。。in　fact；　damn　them　all！　　　　　　　



I　scanned　them　all　insolently　with　my　drowsy　eyes。　　But　they

seemed　to　have　forgotten　me　altogether。　　They　were　noisy；

vociferous；　cheerful。　　Zverkov　was　talking　all　the　time。　　I　began

listening。　　Zverkov　was　talking　of　some　exuberant　lady　whom　he

had　at　last　led　on　to　declaring　her　love　（of　course；　he　was　lying

like　a　horse）；　and　how　he　had　been　helped　in　this　affair　by　an

intimate　friend　of　his；　a　Prince　Kolya；　an　officer　in　the

hussars；　who　had　three　thousand　serfs。



〃And　yet　this　Kolya；　who　has　three　thousand　serfs；　has　not　put　in

an　appearance　here　tonight　to　see　you　off；〃　I　cut　in　suddenly。　

For　one　minute　every　one　was　silent。　　



〃You　are　drunk　already。〃　　Trudolyubov　deigned　to　notice　me　at

last；　glancing　contemptuously　in　my　direction。　　Zverkov；　without

a　word；　examined　me　as　though　I　were　an　insect。　　I　dropped　my

eyes。　　Simonov　made　haste　to　fill　up　the　glasses　with　champagne。



Trudolyubov　raised　his　glass；　as　did　everyone　else　but　me。



〃Your　health　and　good　luck　on　the　journey！〃　he　cried　to　Zverkov。　

〃To　old　times；　to　our　future；　hurrah！〃



They　all　tossed　off　their　glasses；　and　crowded　round　Zverkov　to

kiss　him。　　I　did　not　move；　my　full　glass　stood　untouched　before

me。



〃Why；　aren't　you　going　to　drink　it？〃　roared　Trudolyubov；　losing

patience　and　turning　menacingly　to　me。



〃I　want　to　make　a　speech　separately；　on　my　own　account。。。and　then

I'll　drink　it；　Mr。　Trudolyubov。〃



〃Spiteful　brute！〃　muttered　Simonov。　　I　drew　myself　up　in　my　chair

and　feverishly　seized　my　glass；　prepared　for　something

extraordinary；　though　I　did　not　know　myself　precisely　what　I　was

going　to　say。



〃_Silence！_〃　cried　Ferfitchkin。　　〃Now　for　a　display　of　wit！〃



Zverkov　waited　very　gravely；　knowing　what　was　coming。



〃Mr。　Lieutenant　Zverkov；〃　I　began；　〃let　me　tell　you　that　I　hate

phrases；　phrasemongers　and　men　in　corsets。。。that's　the　first

point；　and　there　is　a　second　one　to　follow　it。〃



There　was　a　general　stir。



〃The　second　point　is：　I　hate　ribaldry　and　ribald　talkers。　

Especially　ribald　talkers！　　The　third　point：　I　love　justice；

truth　and　honesty。〃　　I　went　on　almost　mechanically；　for　I　was

beginning　to　shiver　with　horror　myself　and　had　no　idea　how　I　came

to　be　talking　like　this。　　〃I　love　thought；　Monsieur　Zverkov；　I

love　true　comradeship；　on　an　equal　footing　and　not。。。H'm。。。I　love

。。。But；　however；　why　not？　　I　will　drink　your　health；　too；　Mr。

Zverkov。　　Seduce　the　Circassian　girls；　shoot　the　enemies　of　the

fatherland　and。。。and。。。to　your　health；　Monsieur　Zverkov！〃



Zverkov　got　up　from　his　seat；　bowed　to　me　and　said：



〃I　am　very　much　obliged　to　you。〃　He　was　frightfully　offended　and

turned　pale。



〃Damn　the　fellow！〃　roared　Trudolyubov；　bringing　his　fist　down　on

the　table。



〃Well；　he　wants　a　punch　in　the　face　for　that；〃　squealed

Ferfitchkin。



〃We　ought　to　turn　him　out；〃　muttered　Simonov。



〃Not　a　word；　gentlemen；　not　a　movement！〃　cried　Zverkov　solemnly；

checking　the　general　indignation。　　〃I　thank　you　all；　but　I　can

show　him　for　myself　how　much　value　I　attach　to　his　words。〃



〃Mr。　　Ferfitchkin；　you　will　give　me　satisfaction　tomorrow　for

your　words　just　now！〃　I　said　aloud；　turning　with　dignity　to

Ferfitchkin。



〃A　duel；　you　mean？　　Certainly；〃　he　answered。　　But　probably　I　was

so　ridiculous　as　I　challenged　him　and　it　was　so　out　of　keeping

with　my　appearance　that　everyone　including　Ferfitchkin　was

prostrate　with　laughter。



〃Yes；　let　him　alone；　of　course！　　He　is　quite　drunk；〃　Trudolyubov

said　with　disgust。



〃I　shall　never　forgive　myself　for　letting　him　join　us；〃　Simonov

muttered　again。



〃Now　is　the　time　to　throw　a　bottle　at　their　heads；〃　I　thought　to

myself。　　I　picked　up　the　bottle。。。and　filled　my　glass。。。。〃No；　I'd

better　sit　on　to　the　end；〃　I　went　on　thinking；　〃you　would　be

pleased；　my　friends；　if　I　went　away。　　Nothing　will　induce　me　to

go。　　I'll　go　on　sitting　here　and　drinking　to　the　end；　on　purpose；

as　a　sign　that　I　don't　think　you　of　the　slightest　consequence。　　I

will　go　on　sitting　and　drinking；　because　this　is　a　public…house

and　I　paid　my　entrance　money。　　I'll　sit　here　and　drink；　for　I

look　upon　you　as　so　many　pawns；　as　inanimate　pawns。　　I'll　sit

here　and　drink。。。and　sing　if　I　want　to；　yes；　sing；　for　I　have　the

right　to。。。to　sing。。。H'm！〃



But　I　did　not　sing。　　I　simply　tried　not　to　look　at　any　of　them。　

I　assumed　most　unconcerned　attitudes　and　waited　with　impatience

for　them　to　speak　_first_。　　But　alas；　they　did　not　address　me！　

And　oh；　how　I　wished；　how　I　wished　at　that　moment　to　be

reconciled　to　them！　　It　struck　eight；　at　last　nine。　　They　moved

from　the　table　to　the　sofa。　　Zverkov　stretched　himself　on　a

lounge　and　put　one　foot　on　a　round　table。　　Wine　was　brought

there。　　He　did；　as　a　fact；　order　three　bottles　on　his　own

account。　　I；　of　course；　was　not　invited　to　join　them。　　They　all

sat　round　him　on　the　sofa。　　They　listened　to　him；　almost　with

reverence。　　It　was　evident　that　they　were　fond　of　him。　　〃What

for？　　What　for？〃　I　wondered。　　From　time　to　time　they　were　moved

to　drunken　enthusiasm　and　kissed　each　other。　　They　talked　of　the

Caucasus；　of　the　nature　of　true　passion；　of　snug　berths　in　the

service；　of　the　income　of　an　hussar　called　Podharzhevsky；　whom

none　of　them　knew　personally；　and　rejoiced　in　the　largeness　of

it；　of　the　extraordinary　grace　and　beauty　of　a　Princess　D。；　whom

none　of　them　had　ever　seen；　then　it　came　to　Shakespeare's　being

immortal。



I　smiled　contemptuously　and　walked　up　and　down　the　other　side　of

the　room；　opposite　the　sofa；　from　the　table　to　the　stove　and　back

again。　　I　tried　my　very　utmost　to　show　them　that　I　could　do

without　them；　and　yet　I　purposely　made　a　noise　with　my　boots；

thumping　with　my　heels。　　But　it　was　all　in　vain。　　They　paid　no

attention。　　I　had　the　patience　to　walk　up　and　down　in　front　of

them　from　eight　o'clock　till　eleven；　in　the　same　place；　from　the

table　to　the　stove　and　back　again。　　〃I　walk　up　and　down　to　please

myself　and　no　one　can　prevent　me。〃　　The　waiter　who　came　into　the

room　stopped；　from　time　to　time；　to　look　at　me。　　I　was　somewhat

giddy　from　turning　round　so　often；　at　moments　it　seemed　to　me

that　I　was　in　delirium。　　During　those　three　hours　I　was　three

times　soaked　with　sweat　and　dry　again。　　At　times；　with　an

intense；　acute　pang　I　was　stabbed　to　the　heart　by　the　thought

that　ten　years；　twenty　years；　forty　years　would　pass；　and　that

even　in　forty　years　I　would　remember　with　loathing　and

humiliation　those　filthiest；　most　ludicrous；　and　most　awful

moment