notes from the underground- 第21部分

played　together；　but　a　very　long　time　agoand　he　knew　her

parents；　but　_about　this_　he　knew　nothing；　nothing　whatever；　and

had　no　suspicion！　　And　the　day　after　the　dance　（three　days　ago）

he　had　sent　her　that　letter　through　the　friend　with　whom　she　had

gone　to　the　party。。。and。。。well；　that　was　all。〃



She　dropped　her　shining　eyes　with　a　sort　of　bashfulness　as　she

finished。



The　poor　girl　was　keeping　that　student's　letter　as　a　precious

treasure；　and　had　run　to　fetch　it；　her　only　treasure；　because　she

did　not　want　me　to　go　away　without　knowing　that　she；　too；　was

honestly　and　genuinely　loved；　that　she；　too；　was　addressed

respectfully。　　No　doubt　that　letter　was　destined　to　lie　in　her

box　and　lead　to　nothing。　　But　none　the　less；　I　am　certain　that

she　would　keep　it　all　her　life　as　a　precious　treasure；　as　her

pride　and　justification；　and　now　at　such　a　minute　she　had　thought

of　that　letter　and　brought　it　with　naive　pride　to　raise　herself

in　my　eyes　that　I　might　see；　that　I；　too；　might　think　well　of

her。　　I　said　nothing；　pressed　her　hand　and　went　out。　　I　so　longed

to　get　away。。。I　walked　all　the　way　home；　in　spite　of　the　fact

that　the　melting　snow　was　still　falling　in　heavy　flakes。　　I　was

exhausted；　shattered；　in　bewilderment。　　But　behind　the

bewilderment　the　truth　was　already　gleaming。　　The　loathsome

truth。





VIII



It　was　some　time；　however；　before　I　consented　to　recognise　that

truth。　　Waking　up　in　the　morning　after　some　hours　of　heavy；

leaden　sleep；　and　immediately　realising　all　that　had　happened　on

the　previous　day；　I　was　positively　amazed　at　my　last　night's

_sentimentality_　with　Liza；　at　all　those　〃outcries　of　horror　and

pity。〃　　〃To　think　of　having　such　an　attack　of　womanish　hysteria；

pah！〃　I　concluded。　　And　what　did　I　thrust　my　address　upon　her

for？　　What　if　she　comes？　　Let　her　come；　though；　it　doesn't

matter。。。。But　_obviously_；　that　was　not　now　the　chief　and　the

most　important　matter：　I　had　to　make　haste　and　at　all　costs　save

my　reputation　in　the　eyes　of　Zverkov　and　Simonov　as　quickly　as

possible；　that　was　the　chief　business。　　And　I　was　so　taken　up

that　morning　that　I　actually　forgot　all　about　Liza。



First　of　all　I　had　at　once　to　repay　what　I　had　borrowed　the　day

before　from　Simonov。　　I　resolved　on　a　desperate　measure：　to

borrow　fifteen　roubles　straight　off　from　Anton　Antonitch。　　As

luck　would　have　it　he　was　in　the　best　of　humours　that　morning；

and　gave　it　to　me　at　once；　on　the　first　asking。　　I　was　so

delighted　at　this　that；　as　I　signed　the　IOU　with　a　swaggering

air；　I　told　him　casually　that　the　night　before　〃I　had　been

keeping　it　up　with　some　friends　at　the　Hotel　de　Paris；　we　were

giving　a　farewell　party　to　a　comrade；　in　fact；　I　might　say　a

friend　of　my　childhood；　and　you　knowa　desperate　rake；　fearfully

spoiltof　course；　he　belongs　to　a　good　family；　and　has

considerable　means；　a　brilliant　career；　he　is　witty；　charming；　a

regular　Lovelace；　you　understand；　we　drank　an　extra　'half…dozen'

and。。。〃　　And　it　went　off　all　right；　all　this　was　uttered　very

easily；　unconstrainedly　and　complacently。



On　reaching　home　I　promptly　wrote　to　Simonov。



To　this　hour　I　am　lost　in　admiration　when　I　recall　the　truly

gentlemanly；　good…humoured；　candid　tone　of　my　letter。　　With　tact

and　good…breeding；　and；　above　all；　entirely　without　superfluous

words；　I　blamed　myself　for　all　that　had　happened。　　I　defended

myself；　〃if　I　really　may　be　allowed　to　defend　myself；〃　by

alleging　that　being　utterly　unaccustomed　to　wine；　I　had　been

intoxicated　with　the　first　glass；　which　I　said；　I　had　drunk

before　they　arrived；　while　I　was　waiting　for　them　at　the　Hotel　de

Paris　between　five　and　six　o'clock。　　I　begged　Simonov's　pardon

especially；　I　asked　him　to　convey　my　explanations　to　all　the

others；　especially　to　Zverkov；　whom　〃I　seemed　to　remember　as

though　in　a　dream〃　I　had　insulted。　　I　added　that　I　would　have

called　upon　all　of　them　myself；　but　my　head　ached；　and　besides　I

had　not　the　face　to。　　I　was　particularly　pleased　with　a　certain

lightness；　almost　carelessness　（strictly　within　the　bounds　of

politeness；　however）；　which　was　apparent　in　my　style；　and　better

than　any　possible　arguments；　gave　them　at　once　to　understand　that

I　took　rather　an　independent　view　of　〃all　that　unpleasantness

last　night〃；　that　I　was　by　no　means　so　utterly　crushed　as　you；　my

friends；　probably　imagine；　but　on　the　contrary；　looked　upon　it　as

a　gentleman　serenely　respecting　himself　should　look　upon　it。　　〃On

a　young　hero's　past　no　censure　is　cast！〃



〃There　is　actually　an　aristocratic　playfulness　about　it！〃　　I

thought　admiringly；　as　I　read　over　the　letter。　　〃And　it's　all

because　I　am　an　intellectual　and　cultivated　man！　　Another　man　in

my　place　would　not　have　known　how　to　extricate　himself；　but　here

I　have　got　out　of　it　and　am　as　jolly　as　ever　again；　and　all

because　I　am　'a　cultivated　and　educated　man　of　our　day。'　　And；

indeed；　perhaps；　everything　was　due　to　the　wine　yesterday。　　H'm！〃

。。。no；　it　was　not　the　wine。　　I　did　not　drink　anything　at　all

between　five　and　six　when　I　was　waiting　for　them。　　I　had　lied　to

Simonov；　I　had　lied　shamelessly；　and　indeed　I　wasn't　ashamed

now。。。。　Hang　it　all　though；　the　great　thing　was　that　I　was　rid　of

it。



I　put　six　roubles　in　the　letter；　sealed　it　up；　and　asked　Apollon

to　take　it　to　Simonov。　　When　he　learned　that　there　was　money　in

the　letter；　Apollon　became　more　respectful　and　agreed　to　take　it。　

Towards　evening　I　went　out　for　a　walk。　　My　head　was　still　aching

and　giddy　after　yesterday。　　But　as　evening　came　on　and　the

twilight　grew　denser；　my　impressions　and；　following　them；　my

thoughts；　grew　more　and　more　different　and　confused。　　Something

was　not　dead　within　me；　in　the　depths　of　my　heart　and　conscience

it　would　not　die；　and　it　showed　itself　in　acute　depression。　　For

the　most　part　I　jostled　my　way　through　the　most　crowded　business

streets；　along　Myeshtchansky　Street；　along　Sadovy　Street　and　in

Yusupov　Garden。　　I　always　liked　particularly　sauntering　along

these　streets　in　the　dusk；　just　when　there　were　crowds　of　working

people　of　all　sorts　going　home　from　their　daily　work；　with　faces

looking　cross　with　anxiety。　　What　I　liked　was　just　that　cheap

bustle；　that　bare　prose。　　On　this　occasion　the　jostling　of　the

streets　irritated　me　more　than　ever；　I　could　not　make　out　what

was　wrong　with　me；　I　could　not　find　the　clue；　something　seemed

rising　up　continually　in　my　soul；　painfully；　and　refusing　to　be

appeased。　　I　returned　home　completely　upset；　it　was　just　as

though　some　crime　were　lying　on　my　conscience。



The　thought　that　Liza　was　coming　worried　me　continually。　　It

seemed　queer　to　me　that　of　all　my　recollections　of　yesterday　this

tormented　me；　as　it　were；　especially；　as　it　were；　quite

separately。　　Everything　else　I　had　quite　succeeded　in　forgetting

by　the　evening；　I　dismissed　it　all　and　was　still　perfectly

satisfied　with　my　letter　to　Simonov。　　But　on　this　point　I　was　not

satisfied　at　all。　　It　was　as　though　I　were　worried　only　by　Liza。　

〃What　if　she　comes；〃　I　thought　incessantly；　〃well；　it　doesn't

matter；　let　her　come！　　H'm！　　it's　horrid　that　she　should　see；　for

instance；　how　I　live。　　Yesterday　I　seemed　such　a　hero　to　her；

while　now；　h'm！　　It's　horrid；　though；　that　I　have　let　myself　go

so；　the　room　looks　like　a　beggar's。　　And　I　brought　myself　to　go

out　to　dinner　in　such　a　suit！　　And　my　American　leather　sofa　with

the　stuffing　sticking　out。　　And　my　dressing…gown；　which　will　not

cover　me；　such　tatters；　and　she　will　see　all　this　and　she　will

see　Apollon。　　That　beast　is　certain　to　insult　her。　　He　will

fasten　upon　her　in　order　to　be　rude　to　me。　　And　I；　of　course；

shall　be　panic…stricken　as　usual；　I　shall　begin　bowing　and

scraping　before　her　and　pulling　my　dressing…gown　round　me；　I

shall　begin　smiling；　telling　lies。　　Oh；　the　beastliness！　　And　it

isn't　the　beastliness　of　it　that　matters　most！　　There　is

something　more　important；　more　loathsome；　viler！　　Yes；　viler！　

And　to　put　on　that　dishonest　lying　mask　again！。。。〃



When　I　reached　that　thought　I　fired　up　all　at　once。



〃Why　dishonest？　　How　dishonest？　　I　was　speaking　sincerely　last

night。　　I　remember　there　was　real　feeling　in　me；　too。　　What　I

wanted　was　to　excite　an　honourable　feeling　in　her。。。。　Her　crying

was　a　good　thing；　it　will　have　a　good　effect。〃



Yet　I　could　not　feel　at　ease。　　All　that　evening；　even　when　I　had

come　back　home；　even　after　nine　o'clock；　when　I　calculated　that

Liza　could　not　possibly　come；　still　she　haunted　me；　and　what　was

worse；　she　came　back　to　my　mind　always　in　the　same　position。　　One

moment　out　of　all　that　had　happened　last　night　stood　vividly

before　my　imagination；　the　moment　when　I　struck　a　match　and　saw

her　pale；　distorted　face；　with　its　look　of　torture。　　And　what　a

pitiful；　what　an　unnatural；　what　a　distorted　smile　she　had　at

that　moment！　　But　I　did　not　know　then；　that　fifteen　years　later　I

should　still　in　my　imagination　see　Liza；　always　with　the　pitiful；

distorted；　inappropriate　smile　which　was　on　her　face　at　that

minute。



Next　day　I　was　ready　again　to　look　upon　it　all　as　nonsense；　due

to　over…excited　nerves；　and；　above　all；　as　_exaggerated_。　　I　was

always　conscious　of　that　weak　point　of　mine；　and　sometimes　very

much　afraid　of　it。　　〃I　exaggerate　everything；　that　is　where　I　go

wrong；〃　I　repeated　to　myself　every　hour。　　But；　however；　〃Liza

will　very　likely　come　all　the　same；〃　was　the　refrain　with　which

all　my　reflections　ended。　　I　was　so　uneasy　that　I　sometimes　flew

into　a　fury：　〃She'll　come；　she　is　certain　to　come！〃　I　cried；

running　about　the　room；　〃if　not　today；　she　will　come　tomorrow；

she'll　find　me　out！　　The　damnable　romanticism　of　these　pure

hearts！　　Oh；　the　vilenessoh；　the　sillinessoh；　the　stupidity

of　these　'wretched　sentimental　souls！'　　Why；　how　fail　to

understand？　　How　could　one　fall　to　understand？。。。〃



But　at　this　point　I　stopped　short；　and　in　great　confusion；

indeed。



〃And　how　few；　how　few　wor