notes from the underground- 第22部分

But　at　this　point　I　stopped　short；　and　in　great　confusion；

indeed。



〃And　how　few；　how　few　words；〃　I　thought；　in　passing；　〃were

needed；　how　little　of　the　idyllic　（and　affectedly；　bookishly；

artificially　idyllic　too）　had　sufficed　to　turn　a　whole　human　life

at　once　according　to　my　will。　　That's　virginity；　to　be　sure！　

Freshness　of　soil！〃



At　times　a　thought　occurred　to　me；　to　go　to　her；　〃to　tell　her

all；〃　and　beg　her　not　to　come　to　me。　　But　this　thought　stirred

such　wrath　in　me　that　I　believed　I　should　have　crushed　that

〃damned〃　Liza　if　she　had　chanced　to　be　near　me　at　the　time。　　I

should　have　insulted　her；　have　spat　at　her；　have　turned　her　out；

have　struck　her！



One　day　passed；　however；　another　and　another；　she　did　not　come

and　I　began　to　grow　calmer。　　I　felt　particularly　bold　and

cheerful　after　nine　o'clock；　I　even　sometimes　began　dreaming；　and

rather　sweetly：　I；　for　instance；　became　the　salvation　of　Liza；

simply　through　her　coming　to　me　and　my　talking　to　her。。。。I

develop　her；　educate　her。　　Finally；　I　notice　that　she　loves　me；

loves　me　passionately。　　I　pretend　not　to　understand　（I　don't

know；　however；　why　I　pretend；　just　for　effect；　perhaps）。　　At　last

all　confusion；　transfigured；　trembling　and　sobbing；　she　flings

herself　at　my　feet　and　says　that　I　am　her　saviour；　and　that　she

loves　me　better　than　anything　in　the　world。　　I　am　amazed；　but。。。。　

〃Liza；〃　I　say；　〃can　you　imagine　that　I　have　not　noticed　your

love？　　I　saw　it　all；　I　divined　it；　but　I　did　not　dare　to　approach

you　first；　because　I　had　an　influence　over　you　and　was　afraid

that　you　would　force　yourself；　from　gratitude；　to　respond　to　my

love；　would　try　to　rouse　in　your　heart　a　feeling　which　was

perhaps　absent；　and　I　did　not　wish　that　。。。　because　it　would　be

tyranny　。。。　it　would　be　indelicate〃　（in　short；　I　launch　off　at

that　point　into　European；　inexplicably　lofty　subtleties　a　la

George　Sand）；　〃but　now；　now　you　are　mine；　you　are　my　creation；

you　are　pure；　you　are　good；　you　are　my　noble　wife。



'Into　my　house　come　bold　and　free；

Its　rightful　mistress　there　to　be'。

　　　　　　

〃Then　we　begin　living　together；　go　abroad　and　so　on；　and　so　on。〃　　

In　fact；　in　the　end　it　seemed　vulgar　to　me　myself；　and　I　began

putting　out　my　tongue　at　myself。



Besides；　they　won't　let　her　out；　〃the　hussy！〃　I　thought。　　They

don't　let　them　go　out　very　readily；　especially　in　the　evening

（for　some　reason　I　fancied　she　would　come　in　the　evening；　and　at

seven　o'clock　precisely）。　　Though　she　did　say　she　was　not

altogether　a　slave　there　yet；　and　had　certain　rights；　so；　h'm！　

Damn　it　all；　she　will　come；　she　is　sure　to　come！



It　was　a　good　thing；　in　fact；　that　Apollon　distracted　my

attention　at　that　time　by　his　rudeness。　　He　drove　me　beyond　all

patience！　　He　was　the　bane　of　my　life；　the　curse　laid　upon　me　by

Providence。　　We　had　been　squabbling　continually　for　years；　and　I

hated　him。　　My　God；　how　I　hated　him！　　I　believe　I　had　never　hated

anyone　in　my　life　as　I　hated　him；　especially　at　some　moments。　　He

was　an　elderly；　dignified　man；　who　worked　part　of　his　time　as　a

tailor。　　But　for　some　unknown　reason　he　despised　me　beyond　all

measure；　and　looked　down　upon　me　insufferably。　　Though；　indeed；

he　looked　down　upon　everyone。　　Simply　to　glance　at　that　flaxen；

smoothly　brushed　head；　at　the　tuft　of　hair　he　combed　up　on　his

forehead　and　oiled　with　sunflower　oil；　at　that　dignified　mouth；

compressed　into　the　shape　of　the　letter　V；　made　one　feel　one　was

confronting　a　man　who　never　doubted　of　himself。　　He　was　a　pedant；

to　the　most　extreme　point；　the　greatest　pedant　I　had　met　on

earth；　and　with　that　had　a　vanity　only　befitting　Alexander　of

Macedon。　　He　was　in　love　with　every　button　on　his　coat；　every

nail　on　his　fingersabsolutely　in　love　with　them；　and　he　looked

it！　　In　his　behaviour　to　me　he　was　a　perfect　tyrant；　he　spoke

very　little　to　me；　and　if　he　chanced　to　glance　at　me　he　gave　me　a

firm；　majestically　self…confident　and　invariably　ironical　look

that　drove　me　sometimes　to　fury。　　He　did　his　work　with　the　air　of

doing　me　the　greatest　favour；　though　he　did　scarcely　anything　for

me；　and　did　not；　indeed；　consider　himself　bound　to　do　anything。　

There　could　be　no　doubt　that　he　looked　upon　me　as　the　greatest

fool　on　earth；　and　that　〃he　did　not　get　rid　of　me〃　was　simply

that　he　could　get　wages　from　me　every　month。　　He　consented　to　do

nothing　for　me　for　seven　roubles　a　month。　　Many　sins　should　be

forgiven　me　for　what　I　suffered　from　him。　　My　hatred　reached　such

a　point　that　sometimes　his　very　step　almost　threw　me　into

convulsions。　　What　I　loathed　particularly　was　his　lisp。　　His

tongue　must　have　been　a　little　too　long　or　something　of　that

sort；　for　he　continually　lisped；　and　seemed　to　be　very　proud　of

it；　imagining　that　it　greatly　added　to　his　dignity。　　He　spoke　in

a　slow；　measured　tone；　with　his　hands　behind　his　back　and　his

eyes　fixed　on　the　ground。　　He　maddened　me　particularly　when　he

read　aloud　the　psalms　to　himself　behind　his　partition。　　Many　a

battle　I　waged　over　that　reading！　　But　he　was　awfully　fond　of

reading　aloud　in　the　evenings；　in　a　slow；　even；　sing…song　voice；

as　though　over　the　dead。　　It　is　interesting　that　that　is　how　he

has　ended：　he　hires　himself　out　to　read　the　psalms　over　the　dead；

and　at　the　same　time　he　kills　rats　and　makes　blacking。　　But　at

that　time　I　could　not　get　rid　of　him；　it　was　as　though　he　were

chemically　combined　with　my　existence。　　Besides；　nothing　would

have　induced　him　to　consent　to　leave　me。　I　could　not　live　in

furnished　lodgings：　my　lodging　was　my　private　solitude；　my　shell；

my　cave；　in　which　I　concealed　myself　from　all　mankind；　and

Apollon　seemed　to　me；　for　some　reason；　an　integral　part　of　that

flat；　and　for　seven　years　I　could　not　turn　him　away。　　　　　　



To　be　two　or　three　days　behind　with　his　wages；　for　instance；　was

impossible。　　He　would　have　made　such　a　fuss；　I　should　not　have

known　where　to　hide　my　head。　　But　I　was　so　exasperated　with

everyone　during　those　days；　that　I　made　up　my　mind　for　some

reason　and　with　some　object　to　_punish_　Apollon　and　not　to　pay

him　for　a　fortnight　the　wages　that　were　owing　him。　　I　had　for　a

long　timefor　the　last　two　yearsbeen　intending　to　do　this；

simply　in　order　to　teach　him　not　to　give　himself　airs　with　me；

and　to　show　him　that　if　I　liked　I　could　withhold　his　wages。　　I

purposed　to　say　nothing　to　him　about　it；　and　was　purposely　silent

indeed；　in　order　to　score　off　his　pride　and　force　him　to　be　the

first　to　speak　of　his　wages。　　Then　I　would　take　the　seven　roubles

out　of　a　drawer；　show　him　I　have　the　money　put　aside　on　purpose；

but　that　I　won't；　I　won't；　I　simply　won't　pay　him　his　wages；　I

won't　just　because　that　is　〃what　I　wish；〃　because　〃I　am　master；

and　it　is　for　me　to　decide；〃　because　he　has　been　disrespectful；

because　he　has　been　rude；　but　if　he　were　to　ask　respectfully　I

might　be　softened　and　give　it　to　him；　otherwise　he　might　wait

another　fortnight；　another　three　weeks；　a　whole　month。。。。



But　angry　as　I　was；　yet　he　got　the　better　of　me。　　I　could　not

hold　out　for　four　days。　　He　began　as　he　always　did　begin　in　such

cases；　for　there　had　been　such　cases　already；　there　had　been

attempts　（and　it　may　be　observed　I　knew　all　this　beforehand；　I

knew　his　nasty　tactics　by　heart）。　　He　would　begin　by　fixing　upon

me　an　exceedingly　severe　stare；　keeping　it　up　for　several　minutes

at　a　time；　particularly　on　meeting　me　or　seeing　me　out　of　the

house。　　If　I　held　out　and　pretended　not　to　notice　these　stares；

he　would；　still　in　silence；　proceed　to　further　tortures。　　All　at

once；　a　propos　of　nothing；　he　would　walk　softly　and　smoothly　into

my　room；　when　I　was　pacing　up　and　down　or　reading；　stand　at　the

door；　one　hand　behind　his　back　and　one　foot　behind　the　other；　and

fix　upon　me　a　stare　more　than　severe；　utterly　contemptuous。　　If　I

suddenly　asked　him　what　he　wanted；　he　would　make　me　no　answer；

but　continue　staring　at　me　persistently　for　some　seconds；　then；

with　a　peculiar　compression　of　his　lips　and　a　most　significant

air；　deliberately　turn　round　and　deliberately　go　back　to　his

room。　　Two　hours　later　he　would　come　out　again　and　again　present

himself　before　me　in　the　same　way。　　It　had　happened　that　in　my

fury　I　did　not　even　ask　him　what　he　wanted；　but　simply　raised　my

head　sharply　and　imperiously　and　began　staring　back　at　him。　　So

we　stared　at　one　another　for　two　minutes；　at　last　he　turned　with

deliberation　and　dignity　and　went　back　again　for　two　hours。



If　I　were　still　not　brought　to　reason　by　all　this；　but　persisted

in　my　revolt；　he　would　suddenly　begin　sighing　while　he　looked　at

me；　long；　deep　sighs　as　though　measuring　by　them　the　depths　of　my

moral　degradation；　and；　of　course；　it　ended　at　last　by　his

triumphing　completely：　I　raged　and　shouted；　but　still　was　forced

to　do　what　he　wanted。



This　time　the　usual　staring　manoeuvres　had　scarcely　begun　when　I

lost　my　temper　and　flew　at　him　in　a　fury。　　I　was　irritated　beyond

endurance　apart　from　him。



〃Stay；〃　I　cried；　in　a　frenzy；　as　he　was　slowly　and　silently

turning；　with　one　hand　behind　his　back；　to　go　to　his　room。　

〃Stay！　　Come　back；　come　back；　I　tell　you！〃　and　I　must　have　bawled

so　unnaturally；　that　he　turned　round　and　even　looked　at　me　with

some　wonder。　　However；　he　persisted　in　saying　nothing；　and　that

infuriated　me。



〃How　dare　you　come　and　look　at　me　like　that　without　being　sent

for？　　Answer！〃



After　looking　at　me　calmly　for　half　a　minute；　he　began　turning

round　again。



〃Stay！〃　I　roared；　running　up　to　him；　〃don't　stir！　　There。　

Answer；　now：　what　did　you　come　in　to　look　at？〃



〃If　you　have　any　order　to　give　me　it's　my　duty　to　carry　it　out；〃

he　answered；　after　another　silent　pause；　with　a　slow；　measured

lisp；　raising　his　eyebrows　and　calmly　twisting　his　head　from　one

side　to　another；　all　this　with　exasperating　composure。



〃That's　not　what　I　am　asking　you　about；　you　torturer！〃　I　shouted；

turning　crimson　with　anger。　　〃I'll　tell