notes from the underground- 第23部分

〃That's　not　what　I　am　asking　you　about；　you　torturer！〃　I　shouted；

turning　crimson　with　anger。　　〃I'll　tell　you　why　you　came　here

myself：　you　see；　I　don't　give　you　your　wages；　you　are　so　proud

you　don't　want　to　bow　down　and　ask　for　it；　and　so　you　come　to

punish　me　with　your　stupid　stares；　to　worry　me　and　you　have　no

sus。。。pic。。。ion　how　stupid　it　isstupid；　stupid；　stupid；　stupid！

。。。〃



He　would　have　turned　round　again　without　a　word；　but　I　seized

him。



〃Listen；〃　I　shouted　to　him。　　〃Here's　the　money；　do　you　see；　here

it　is；〃　（I　took　it　out　of　the　table　drawer）；　〃here's　the　seven

roubles　complete；　but　you　are　not　going　to　have　it；　

you。。。are。。。not。。。going。。。to。。。have　it　until　you　come

respectfully　with　bowed　head　to　beg　my　pardon。　　Do　you　hear？〃



〃That　cannot　be；〃　he　answered；　with　the　most　unnatural

self…confidence。



〃It　shall　be　so；〃　I　said；　〃I　give　you　my　word　of　honour；　it　shall

be！〃



〃And　there's　nothing　for　me　to　beg　your　pardon　for；〃　he　went　on；

as　though　he　had　not　noticed　my　exclamations　at　all。　　〃Why；

besides；　you　called　me　a　'torturer；'　for　which　I　can　summon　you

at　the　police…station　at　any　time　for　insulting　behaviour。〃



〃Go；　summon　me；〃　I　roared；　〃go　at　once；　this　very　minute；　this

very　second！　　You　are　a　torturer　all　the　same！　　a　torturer！〃



But　he　merely　looked　at　me；　then　turned；　and　regardless　of　my

loud　calls　to　him；　he　walked　to　his　room　with　an　even　step　and

without　looking　round。



〃If　it　had　not　been　for　Liza　nothing　of　this　would　have

happened；〃　I　decided　inwardly。　　Then；　after　waiting　a　minute；　I

went　myself　behind　his　screen　with　a　dignified　and　solemn　air；

though　my　heart　was　beating　slowly　and　violently。



〃Apollon；〃　I　said　quietly　and　emphatically；　though　I　was

breathless；　〃go　at　once　without　a　minute's　delay　and　fetch　the

police…officer。〃



He　had　meanwhile　settled　himself　at　his　table；　put　on　his

spectacles　and　taken　up　some　sewing。　　But；　hearing　my　order；　he

burst　into　a　guffaw。



〃At　once；　go　this　minute！　　Go　on；　or　else　you　can't　imagine　what

will　happen。〃



〃You　are　certainly　out　of　your　mind；〃　he　observed；　without　even

raising　his　head；　lisping　as　deliberately　as　ever　and　threading

his　needle。　　〃Whoever　heard　of　a　man　sending　for　the　police

against　himself？　　And　as　for　being　frightenedyou　are　upsetting

yourself　about　nothing；　for　nothing　will　come　of　it。〃



〃Go！〃　I　shrieked；　clutching　him　by　the　shoulder。　　I　felt　I　should

strike　him　in　a　minute。



But　I　did　not　notice　the　door　from　the　passage　softly　and　slowly

open　at　that　instant　and　a　figure　come　in；　stop　short；　and　begin

staring　at　us　in　perplexity　I　glanced；　nearly　swooned　with　shame；

and　rushed　back　to　my　room。　　There；　clutching　at　my　hair　with

both　hands；　I　leaned　my　head　against　the　wall　and　stood

motionless　in　that　position。



Two　minutes　later　I　heard　Apollon's　deliberate　footsteps。　　〃There

is　some　woman　asking　for　you；〃　he　said；　looking　at　me　with

peculiar　severity。　　Then　he　stood　aside　and　let　in　Liza。　　He

would　not　go　away；　but　stared　at　us　sarcastically。



〃Go　away；　go　away；〃　I　commanded　in　desperation。　　At　that　moment

my　clock　began　whirring　and　wheezing　and　struck　seven。





IX



〃Into　my　house　come　bold　and　free；

Its　rightful　mistress　there　to　be。〃



I　stood　before　her　crushed；　crestfallen；　revoltingly　confused；

and　I　believe　I　smiled　as　I　did　my　utmost　to　wrap　myself　in　the

skirts　of　my　ragged　wadded　dressing…gownexactly　as　I　had

imagined　the　scene　not　long　before　in　a　fit　of　depression。　　After

standing　over　us　for　a　couple　of　minutes　Apollon　went　away；　but

that　did　not　make　me　more　at　ease。　　What　made　it　worse　was　that

she；　too；　was　overwhelmed　with　confusion；　more　so；　in　fact；　than

I　should　have　expected。　　At　the　sight　of　me；　of　course。



〃Sit　down；〃　I　said　mechanically；　moving　a　chair　up　to　the　table；

and　I　sat　down　on　the　sofa。　　She　obediently　sat　down　at　once　and

gazed　at　me　open…eyed；　evidently　expecting　something　from　me　at

once。　　This　naivete　of　expectation　drove　me　to　fury；　but　I

restrained　myself。



She　ought　to　have　tried　not　to　notice；　as　though　everything　had

been　as　usual；　while　instead　of　that；　she。。。and　I　dimly　felt　that

I　should　make　her　pay　dearly　for　_all　this_。



〃You　have　found　me　in　a　strange　position；　Liza；〃　I　began；

stammering　and　knowing　that　this　was　the　wrong　way　to　begin。　

〃No；　no；　don't　imagine　anything；〃　I　cried；　seeing　that　she　had

suddenly　flushed。　　〃I　am　not　ashamed　of　my　poverty。。。On　the

contrary；　I　look　with　pride　on　my　poverty。　　I　am　poor　but

honourable。。。。One　can　be　poor　and　honourable；〃　I　muttered。　

〃However。。。would　you　like　tea？。。。。〃



〃No；〃　she　was　beginning。



〃Wait　a　minute。〃



I　leapt　up　and　ran　to　Apollon。　　I　had　to　get　out　of　the　room

somehow。



〃Apollon；〃　I　whispered　in　feverish　haste；　flinging　down　before

him　the　seven　roubles　which　had　remained　all　the　time　in　my

clenched　fist；　〃here　are　your　wages；　you　see　I　give　them　to　you；

but　for　that　you　must　come　to　my　rescue：　bring　me　tea　and　a　dozen

rusks　from　the　restaurant。　　If　you　won't　go；　you'll　make　me　a

miserable　man！　　You　don't　know　what　this　woman　is。。。。This

iseverything！　　You　may　be　imagining　something。。。。But　you　don't

know　what　that　woman　is！　　。。。〃



Apollon；　who　had　already　sat　down　to　his　work　and　put　on　his

spectacles　again；　at　first　glanced　askance　at　the　money　without

speaking　or　putting　down　his　needle；　then；　without　paying　the

slightest　attention　to　me　or　making　any　answer；　he　went　on

busying　himself　with　his　needle；　which　he　had　not　yet　threaded。　

I　waited　before　him　for　three　minutes　with　my　arms　crossed　a　la

Napoleon。　　My　temples　were　moist　with　sweat。　　I　was　pale；　I　felt

it。　　But；　thank　God；　he　must　have　been　moved　to　pity；　looking　at

me。　　Having　threaded　his　needle　he　deliberately　got　up　from　his

seat；　deliberately　moved　back　his　chair；　deliberately　took　off

his　spectacles；　deliberately　counted　the　money；　and　finally

asking　me　over　his　shoulder：　〃Shall　I　get　a　whole　portion？〃

deliberately　walked　out　of　the　room。　　As　I　was　going　back　to

Liza；　the　thought　occurred　to　me　on　the　way：　shouldn't　I　run　away

just　as　I　was　in　my　dressing…gown；　no　matter　where；　and　then　let

happen　what　would？



I　sat　down　again。　　She　looked　at　me　uneasily。　　For　some　minutes

we　were　silent。



〃I　will　kill　him；〃　I　shouted　suddenly；　striking　the　table　with　my

fist　so　that　the　ink　spurted　out　of　the　inkstand。



〃What　are　you　saying！〃　she　cried；　starting。



〃I　will　kill　him！　　kill　him！〃　I　shrieked；　suddenly　striking　the

table　in　absolute　frenzy；　and　at　the　same　time　fully

understanding　how　stupid　it　was　to　be　in　such　a　frenzy。　　〃You

don't　know；　Liza；　what　that　torturer　is　to　me。　He　is　my

torturer。。。。He　has　gone　now　to　fetch　some　rusks；　he　。。。〃



And　suddenly　I　burst　into　tears。　　It　was　an　hysterical　attack。　

How　ashamed　I　felt　in　the　midst　of　my　sobs；　but　still　I　could　not

restrain　them。



She　was　frightened。



〃What　is　the　matter？　　What　is　wrong？〃　she　cried；　fussing　about

me。



〃Water；　give　me　water；　over　there！〃　I　muttered　in　a　faint　voice；

though　I　was　inwardly　conscious　that　I　could　have　got　on　very

well　without　water　and　without　muttering　in　a　faint　voice。　　But　I

was；　what　is　called；　_putting　it　on_；　to　save　appearances；　though

the　attack　was　a　genuine　one。



She　gave　me　water；　looking　at　me　in　bewilderment。　　At　that　moment

Apollon　brought　in　the　tea。　　It　suddenly　seemed　to　me　that　this

commonplace；　prosaic　tea　was　horribly　undignified　and　paltry

after　all　that　had　happened；　and　I　blushed　crimson。　　Liza　looked

at　Apollon　with　positive　alarm。　　He　went　out　without　a　glance　at

either　of　us。



〃Liza；　do　you　despise　me？〃　I　asked；　looking　at　her　fixedly；

trembling　with　impatience　to　know　what　she　was　thinking。



She　was　confused；　and　did　not　know　what　to　answer。



〃Drink　your　tea；〃　I　said　to　her　angrily。　　I　was　angry　with

myself；　but；　of　course；　it　was　she　who　would　have　to　pay　for　it。　

A　horrible　spite　against　her　suddenly　surged　up　in　my　heart；　I

believe　I　could　have　killed　her。　　To　revenge　myself　on　her　I

swore　inwardly　not　to　say　a　word　to　her　all　the　time。　　〃She　is

the　cause　of　it　all；〃　I　thought。



Our　silence　lasted　for　five　minutes。　　The　tea　stood　on　the　table；

we　did　not　touch　it。　　I　had　got　to　the　point　of　purposely

refraining　from　beginning　in　order　to　embarrass　her　further；　it

was　awkward　for　her　to　begin　alone。　　Several　times　she　glanced　at

me　with　mournful　perplexity。　　I　was　obstinately　silent。　　I　was；

of　course；　myself　the　chief　sufferer；　because　I　was　fully

conscious　of　the　disgusting　meanness　of　my　spiteful　stupidity；

and　yet　at　the　same　time　I　could　not　restrain　myself。



〃I　want　to。。。get　away。。。from　there　altogether；〃　she　began；　to

break　the　silence　in　some　way；　but；　poor　girl；　that　was　just　what

she　ought　not　to　have　spoken　about　at　such　a　stupid　moment　to　a

man　so　stupid　as　I　was。　　My　heart　positively　ached　with　pity　for

her　tactless　and　unnecessary　straightforwardness。　　But　something

hideous　at　once　stifled　all　compassion　in　me；　it　even　provoked　me

to　greater　venom。　　I　did　not　care　what　happened。　　Another　five

minutes　passed。



〃Perhaps　I　am　in　your　way；〃　she　began　timidly；　hardly　audibly；

and　was　getting　up。



But　as　soon　as　I　saw　this　first　impulse　of　wounded　dignity　I

positively　trembled　with　spite；　and　at　once　burst　out。



〃Why　have　you　come　to　me；　tell　me　that；　please？〃　I　began；　gasping

for　breath　and　regardless　of　logical　connection　in　my　words。　　I

longed　to　have　it　all　out　at　once；　at　one　burst；　I　did　not　even

trouble　how　to　begin。　　〃Why　have　you　come？　　Answer；　answer；〃　I

cried；　hardly　knowing　what　I　was　doing。　　〃I'll　tell　you；　my　good

girl；　why　you　have　come。　　You've　come　because　I　talked

sentimental　stuff　to　you　then。　　So　now　you　are　soft　as　butter　and

longing　for　fine　sentiments　again。　　So　you　may　as　well　know　that