a personal record- 第2部分

It　may　be　pride。　　There　can　be　nothing　more　humiliating　than　to



see　the　shaft　of　one's　emotion　miss　the　mark　of　either　laughter



or　tears。　　Nothing　more　humiliating！　　And　this　for　the　reason



that　should　the　mark　be　missed；　should　the　open　display　of



emotion　fail　to　move；　then　it　must　perish　unavoidably　in　disgust



or　contempt。　　No　artist　can　be　reproached　for　shrinking　from　a



risk　which　only　fools　run　to　meet　and　only　genius　dare　confront



with　impunity。　　In　a　task　which　mainly　consists　in　laying　one's



soul　more　or　less　bare　to　the　world；　a　regard　for　decency；　even



at　the　cost　of　success；　is　but　the　regard　for　one's　own　dignity



which　is　inseparably　united　with　the　dignity　of　one's　work。







And　thenit　is　very　difficult　to　be　wholly　joyous　or　wholly　sad



on　this　earth。　　The　comic；　when　it　is　human；　soon　takes　upon



itself　a　face　of　pain；　and　some　of　our　griefs　（some　only；　not



all；　for　it　is　the　capacity　for　suffering　which　makes　man　August



in　the　eyes　of　men）　have　their　source　in　weaknesses　which　must　be



recognized　with　smiling　com　passion　as　the　common　inheritance　of



us　all。　　Joy　and　sorrow　in　this　world　pass　into　each　other；



mingling　their　forms　and　their　murmurs　in　the　twilight　of　life　as



mysterious　as　an　over　shadowed　ocean；　while　the　dazzling



brightness　of　supreme　hopes　lies　far　off；　fascinating　and　still；



on　the　distant　edge　of　the　horizon。







Yes！　　I；　too；　would　like　to　hold　the　magic　wand　giving　that



command　over　laughter　and　tears　which　is　declared　to　be　the



highest　achievement　of　imaginative　literature。　　Only；　to　be　a



great　magician　one　must　surrender　oneself　to　occult　and



irresponsible　powers；　either　outside　or　within　one's　breast。　　We



have　all　heard　of　simple　men　selling　their　souls　for　love　or



power　to　some　grotesque　devil。　　The　most　ordinary　intelligence



can　perceive　without　much　reflection　that　anything　of　the　sort　is



bound　to　be　a　fool's　bargain。　　I　don't　lay　claim　to　particular



wisdom　because　of　my　dislike　and　distrust　of　such　transactions。



It　may　be　my　sea　training　acting　upon　a　natural　disposition　to



keep　good　hold　on　the　one　thing　really　mine；　but　the　fact　is　that



I　have　a　positive　horror　of　losing　even　for　one　moving　moment



that　full　possession　of　my　self　which　is　the　first　condition　of



good　service。　　And　I　have　carried　my　notion　of　good　service　from



my　earlier　into　my　later　existence。　　I；　who　have　never　sought　in



the　written　word　anything　else　but　a　form　of　the　BeautifulI



have　carried　over　that　article　of　creed　from　the　decks　of　ships



to　the　more　circumscribed　space　of　my　desk；　and　by　that　act；　I



suppose；　I　have　become　permanently　imperfect　in　the　eyes　of　the



ineffable　company　of　pure　esthetes。







As　in　political　so　in　literary　action　a　man　wins　friends　for



himself　mostly　by　the　passion　of　his　prejudices　and　by　the



consistent　narrowness　of　his　outlook。　　But　I　have　never　been　able



to　love　what　was　not　lovable　or　hate　what　was　not　hateful　out　of



deference　for　some　general　principle。　　Whether　there　be　any



courage　in　making　this　admission　I　know　not。　　After　the　middle



turn　of　life's　way　we　consider　dangers　and　joys　with　a　tranquil



mind。　　So　I　proceed　in　peace　to　declare　that　I　have　always



suspected　in　the　effort　to　bring　into　play　the　extremities　of



emotions　the　debasing　touch　of　insincerity。　　In　order　to　move



others　deeply　we　must　deliberately　allow　ourselves　to　be　carried



away　beyond　the　bounds　of　our　normal　sensibilityinnocently



enough；　perhaps；　and　of　necessity；　like　an　actor　who　raises　his



voice　on　the　stage　above　the　pitch　of　natural　conversationbut



still　we　have　to　do　that。　　And　surely　this　is　no　great　sin。　But



the　danger　lies　in　the　writer　becoming　the　victim　of　his　own



exaggeration；　losing　the　exact　notion　of　sincerity；　and　in　the



end　coming　to　despise　truth　itself　as　something　too　cold；　too



blunt　for　his　purposeas；　in　fact；　not　good　enough　for　his



insistent　emotion。　　From　laughter　and　tears　the　descent　is　easy



to　snivelling　and　giggles。







These　may　seem　selfish　considerations；　but　you　can't；　in　sound



morals；　condemn　a　man　for　taking　care　of　his　own　integrity。　　It



is　his　clear　duty。　　And　least　of　all　can　you　condemn　an　artist



pursuing；　however　humbly　and　imperfectly；　a　creative　aim。　　In



that　interior　world　where　his　thought　and　his　emotions　go　seeking



for　the　experience　of　imagined　adventures；　there　are　no



policemen；　no　law；　no　pressure　of　circumstance　or　dread　of



opinion　to　keep　him　within　bounds。　　Who　then　is　going　to　say　Nay



to　his　temptations　if　not　his　conscience？







And　besidesthis；　remember；　is　the　place　and　the　moment　of



perfectly　open　talkI　think　that　all　ambitions　are　lawful　except



those　which　climb　upward　on　the　miseries　or　credulities　of



mankind。　　All　intellectual　and　artistic　ambitions　are



permissible；　up　to　and　even　beyond　the　limit　of　prudent　sanity。



They　can　hurt　no　one。　　If　they　are　mad；　then　so　much　the　worse



for　the　artist。　　Indeed；　as　virtue　is　said　to　be；　such　ambitions



are　their　own　reward。　　Is　it　such　a　very　mad　presumption　to



believe　in　the　sovereign　power　of　one's　art；　to　try　for　other



means；　for　other　ways　of　affirming　this　belief　in　the　deeper



appeal　of　one's　work？　　To　try　to　go　deeper　is　not　to　be



insensible。　　A　historian　of　hearts　is　not　a　historian　of



emotions；　yet　he　penetrates　further；　restrained　as　he　may　be；



since　his　aim　is　to　reach　the　very　fount　of　laughter　and　tears。　



The　sight　of　human　affairs　deserves　admiration　and　pity。　　They



are　worthy　of　respect；　too。　　And　he　is　not　insensible　who　pays



them　the　undemonstrative　tribute　of　a　sigh　which　is　not　a　sob；



and　of　a　smile　which　is　not　a　grin。　　Resignation；　not　mystic；　not



detached；　but　resignation　open…eyed；　conscious；　and　informed　by



love；　is　the　only　one　of　our　feelings　for　which　it　is　impossible



to　become　a　sham。







Not　that　I　think　resignation　the　last　word　of　wisdom。　　I　am　too



much　the　creature　of　my　time　for　that。　　But　I　think　that　the



proper　wisdom　is　to　will　what　the　gods　will　without；　perhaps；



being　certain　what　their　will　isor　even　if　they　have　a　will　of



their　own。　　And　in　this　matter　of　life　and　art　it　is　not　the　Why



that　matters　so　much　to　our　happiness　as　the　How。　　As　the



Frenchman　said；　〃Il　y　a　toujours　la　maniere。〃　　Very　true。　　Yes。　



There　is　the　manner。　　The　manner　in　laughter；　in　tears；　in　irony；



in　indignations　and　enthusiasms；　in　judgmentsand　even　in　love。　



The　manner　in　which；　as　in　the　features　and　character　of　a　human



face；　the　inner　truth　is　foreshadowed　for　those　who　know　how　to



look　at　their　kind。







Those　who　read　me　know　my　conviction　that　the　world；　the　temporal



world；　rests　on　a　few　very　simple　ideas；　so　simple　that　they　must



be　as　old　as　the　hills。　　It　rests　notably；　among　others；　on　the



idea　of　Fidelity。　　At　a　time　when　nothing　which　is　not



revolutionary　in　some　way　or　other　can　expect　to　attract　much



attention　I　have　not　been　revolutionary　in　my　writings。　　The



revolutionary　spirit　is　mighty　convenient　in　this；　that　it　frees



one　from　all　scruples　as　regards　ideas。　　Its　hard；　absolute



optimism　is　repulsive　to　my　mind　by　the　menace　of　fanaticism　and



intolerance　it　contains。　　No　doubt　one　should　smile　at　these



things；　but；　imperfect　Esthete；　I　am　no　better　Philosopher。







All　claim　to　special　righteousness　awakens　in　me　that　scorn　and



danger　from　which　a　philosophical　mind　should　be　free。　。　。　。







I　fear　that　trying　to　be　conversational　I　have　only　managed　to　be



unduly　discursive。　　I　have　never　been　very　well　acquainted　with



the　art　of　conversationthat　art　which；　I　understand；　is



supposed　to　be　lost　now。　　My　young　days；　the　days　when　one's



habits　and　character　are　formed；　have　been　rather　familiar　with



long　silences。　　Such　voices　as　broke　into　them　were　anything　but



conversational。　　No。　　I　haven't　got　the　habit。　　Yet　this



discursiveness　is　not　so　irrelevant　to　the　handful　of　pages　which



follow。　　They；　too；　have　been　charged　with　discursiveness；　with



disregard　of　chronological　order　（which　is　in　itself　a　crime）；



with　unconventionality　of　form　（which　is　an　impropriety）。　　I　was



told　severely　that　the　public　would　view　with　displeasure　the



informal　character　of　my　recollections。　　〃Alas！〃　I　protested；



mildly。　　〃Could　I　begin　with　the　sacramental　words；　'I　was　born



on　such　a　date　in　such　a　place'？　　The　remoteness　of　the　locality



would　have　robbed　the　statement　of　all　interest。　　I　haven't　lived



through　wonderful　adventures　to　be　related　seriatim。　　I　haven't



known　distinguished　men　on　whom　I　could　pass　fatuous　remarks。　　I



haven't　been　mixed　up　with　great　or　scandalous　affairs。　　This　is



but　a　bit　of　psychological　document；　and　even　so；　I　haven't



written　it　with　a　view　to　put　forward　any　conclusion　of　my　own。〃







But　my　objector　was　not　placated。　　These　were　good　reasons　for



not　writing　at　allnot　a　defense　of　what　stood　written　already；



he　said。







I　admit　that　almost　anything；　anything　in　the　world；　would　serve



as　a　good　reason　for　not　writing　at　all。　　But　since　I　have



written　them；　all　I　want　to　say　in　their　defense　is　that　these



memories　put　down　without　any　regard　for　established　conventions



have　not　been　thrown　off　without　system　and　purpose。　　They　have



their　hope　and　their　aim。　　The　hope　that　from　the　reading　of



these　pages　there　may　emerge　at　last　the　vision　of　a　personality；



the　man　behind　the　books　so　fundamentally　dissimi