home and take it easyyou bet not。 I just want to shake hands with
myself when I think that I've got a home； and a job like this。 I know a
fellera hard worker he was； too who walked the pavements for three
months when the Colvers failed； and couldn't get nothing； and took to
drink； and the last I heard of him he was sleeping in police stations and
walking the ties； and his wife's a waitress at a cheap hotel。 Don't you
think it's easy to get a job。〃
I was momentarily sobered by the earnestness with which he brought home
to me the relentlessness of our civilization。 It seemed incredible。 I
should have learned a lesson in that store。 Barring a few discordant
days when the orders came in too fast or when we were short handed
because of sickness； it was a veritable hive of happiness； morning after
morning clerks and porters arrived； pale； yet smiling； and laboured with
cheerfulness from eight o'clock until six； and departed as cheerfully for
modest homes in obscure neighbourhoods that seemed to me areas of exile。
They were troubled with no visions of better things。 When the travelling
men came in from the 〃road〃 there was great hilarity。 Important
personages； these； looked up to by the city clerks； jolly； reckless；
Elizabethan…like rovers； who had tasted of the wine of libertyand of
other wines with the ineradicable lust for the road in their blood。 No
more routine for Jimmy Bowles； who was king of them all。 I shudder to
think how much of my knowledge of life I owe to this Jimmy； whose stories
would have filled a quarto volume； but could on no account have been
published； for a self…respecting post…office would not have allowed them
to pass through the mails。 As it was； Jimmy gave them circulation
enough。 I can still see his round face； with the nose just indicated；
his wicked； twinkling little eyes； and I can hear his husky voice fall to
a whisper when 〃the boss〃 passed through the store。 Jimmy； when visiting
us； always had a group around him。 His audacity with women amazed me；
for he never passed one of the 〃lady clerks〃 without some form of caress；
which they resented but invariably laughed at。 One day he imparted to me
his code of morality： he never made love to another man's wife； so he
assured me； if he knew the man！ The secret of life he had discovered in
laughter； and by laughter he sold quantities of Cousin Robert's
groceries。
Mr。 Bowles boasted of a catholic acquaintance in all the cities of his
district； but before venturing forth to conquer these he had learned his
own city by heart。 My Cousin Robert was not aware of the fact that Mr。
Bowles 〃showed〃 the town to certain customers。 He even desired to show
it to me； but an epicurean strain in my nature held me back。 Johnny
Hedges went with him occasionally； and Henry Schneider； the bill clerk；
and I listened eagerly to their experiences； afterwards confiding them to
Tom。。。。
There were times when； driven by an overwhelming curiosity； I ventured
into certain strange streets； alone； shivering with cold and excitement；
gripped by a fascination I did not comprehend； my eyes now averted； now
irresistibly raised toward the white streaks of light that outlined the
windows of dark houses。。。。
One winter evening as I was going home； I encountered at the mail…box a
young woman who shot at me a queer； twisted smile。 I stood still； as
though stunned； looking after her； and when halfway across the slushy
street she turned and smiled again。 Prodigiously excited； I followed
her； fearful that I might be seen by someone who knew me； nor was it
until she reached an unfamiliar street that I ventured to overtake her。
She confounded me by facing me。
〃Get out！〃 she cried fiercely。
I halted in my tracks； overwhelmed with shame。 But she continued to
regard me by the light of the street lamp。
〃You didn't want to be seen with me on Second Street； did you？ You're
one of those sneaking swells。〃
The shock of this sudden onslaught was tremendous。 I stood frozen to the
spot； trembling； convicted； for I knew that her accusation was just； I
had wounded her； and I had a desire to make amends。
〃I'm sorry；〃 I faltered。 〃I didn't meanto offend you。 And you smiled〃
I got no farther。 She began to laugh； and so loudly that I glanced
anxiously about。 I would have fled； but something still held me；
something that belied the harshness of her laugh。
〃You're just a kid；〃 she told me。 〃Say； you get along home； and tell
your mamma I sent you。〃
Whereupon I departed in a state of humiliation and self…reproach I had
never before known； wandering about aimlessly for a long time。 When at
length I arrived at home； late for supper； my mother's solicitude only
served to deepen my pain。 She went to the kitchen herself to see if my
mince…pie were hot； and served me with her own hands。 My father remained
at his place at the head of the table while I tried to eat； smiling
indulgently at her ministrations。
〃Oh； a little hard work won't hurt him； Sarah；〃 he said。 〃When I was his
age I often worked until eleven o'clock and never felt the worse for it。
Business must be pretty good； eh； Hugh？〃
I had never seen him in a more relaxing mood； a more approving one。 My
mother sat down beside me。。。。 Words seem useless to express the
complicated nature of my suffering at that moment；my remorse； my sense
of deception； of hypocrisy；yes； and my terror。 I tried to talk
naturally； to answer my father's questions about affairs at the store；
while all the time my eyes rested upon the objects of the room； familiar
since childhood。 Here were warmth； love； and safety。 Why could I not be
content with them； thankful for them？ What was it in me that drove me
from these sheltering walls out into the dark places？ I glanced at my
father。 Had he ever known these wild； destroying desires？ Oh； if I only
could have confided in him！ The very idea of it was preposterous。 Such
placidity as theirs would never understand the nature of my temptations；
and I pictured to myself their horror and despair at my revelation。 In
imagination I beheld their figures receding while I drifted out to sea；
alone。 Would the tidewhich was somehow within mecarry me out and
out； in spite of all I could do？
〃Give me that man
That is not passion's slave； and I will wear him
In my heart's core。。。。〃
I did not shirk my tasks at the store； although I never got over the
feeling that a fine instrument was being employed where a coarser one
would have done equally well。 There were moments when I was almost
overcome by surges of self…commiseration and of impotent anger： for
instance； I was once driven out of a shop by an incensed German grocer
whom I had asked to settle a long…standing account。 Yet the days passed；
the daily grind absorbed my energies； and when I was not collecting； or
tediously going over the stock in the dim recesses of the store； I was
running errands in the wholesale district； treading the burning brick of
the pavements； dodging heavy trucks and drays and perspiring clerks who
flew about with memorandum pads in their hands； or awaiting the pleasure
of bank tellers。 Save Harvey； the venerable porter； I was the last to
leave the store in the evening； and I always came away with the taste on
my palate of Breck and Company's mail； it being my final duty to 〃lick〃
the whole of it and deposit it in the box at the corner。 The gum on the
envelopes tasted of winter…green。
My Cousin Robert was somewhat astonished at my application。
〃We'll make a man of you yet； Hugh；〃 he said to me once； when I had
performed a commission with unexpected despatch。。。。
Business was his all…in…all； and he had an undisguised contempt for
higher education。 To send a boy to college was； in his opinion； to run
no inconsiderable risk of ruining him。 What did they amount to when they
came home； strutting like peacocks； full of fads and fancies； and much
too good to associate with decent； hard…working citizens？ Nevertheless
when autumn came and my friends departed with eclat for the East； I was
desperate indeed！ Even the contemplation of Robert Breck did not console
me； and yet here； in truth； was a life which might have served me as a
model。 His store was his castle； and his reputation for integrity and
square dealing as wide as the city。 Often I used to watch him with a
certain envy as he stood in the doorway； his hands in his pockets； and
greeted fellow…merchant and banker with his genuine and dignified
directness。 This man was his own master。 They all called him 〃Robert；〃
and they made it clear by their manner that they knew they were
addressing one who fulfilled his obligations and asked no favours。
Crusty old Nathaniel Durrett once declared that when you bought a bill of
goods from Robert Breck you did not have to check up the invoice or
employ a chemist。 Here was a character to mould upon。 If my ambition
could but have been bounded by Breck and Company； I； too； might have come
to stand in that doorway content with a tribute that was greater than
Caesar's。
I had been dreading the Christmas holidays； which were indeed to be no
holidays for me。 And when at length they arrived they brought with them
from the East certain heroes fashionably clad； citizens now of a larger
world than mine。 These former companions had become superior beings；
they could not help showing it； and their presence destroyed the Balance
of Things。 For alas； I had not wholly abjured the feminine sex after
all！ And from being a somewhat important factor in the lives of Ruth
Hollister and other young women I suddenly became of no account。 New
interests； new rivalries and loyalties had arisen in which I had no
share； I must perforce busy myself with invoices of flour and coffee and
canned fruits while sleigh rides and coasting and skating expeditions to
Blackstone Lake followed one another day after day；for the irony of
circumstances had decreed a winter uncommonly cold。 There were evening
parties； too； where I felt like an alien； though my friends were guilty
of no conscious neglect； and had I been able to accept the situation
simply； I should not have suffered。
The princip