of no conscious neglect； and had I been able to accept the situation
simply； I should not have suffered。
The principal event of those holidays was a play given in the old
Hambleton house （which later became the Boyne Club）； under the direction
of the lively and talented Mrs。 Watling。 I was invited； indeed； to
participate； but even if I had had the desire I could not have done so；
since the rehearsals were carried on in the daytime。 Nancy was the
leading lady。 I have neglected to mention that she too had been away
almost continuously since our misunderstanding； for the summer in the
mountains；a sojourn recommended for her mother's health； and in the
autumn she had somewhat abruptly decided to go East to boarding…school at
Farmington。 During the brief months of her absence she had marvellously
acquired maturity and aplomb； a worldliness of manner and a certain
frivolity that seemed to put those who surrounded her on a lower plane。
She was only seventeen； yet she seemed the woman of thirty whose role she
played。 First there were murmurs； then sustained applause。 I scarcely
recognized her： she had taken wings and soared far above me； suggesting a
sphere of power and luxury hitherto unimagined and beyond the scope of
the world to which I belonged。
Her triumph was genuine。 When the play was over she was immediately
surrounded by enthusiastic admirers eager to congratulate her； to dance
with her。 I too would have gone forward； but a sense of inadequacy； of
unimportance； of an inability to cope with her； held me back； and from a
corner I watched her sweeping around the room； holding up her train； and
leaning on the arm of Bob Lansing； a classmate whom Ralph had brought
home from Harvard。 Then it was Ralph's turn： that affair seemed still to
be going on。 My feelings were a strange medley of despondency and
stimulation。。。。
Our eyes met。 Her partner now was Ham Durrett。 Capriciously releasing
him； she stood before me；
〃Hugh； you haven't asked me to dance； or even told me what you thought of
the play。〃
〃I thought it was splendid；〃 I said lamely。
Because she refrained from replying I was farther than ever from
understanding her。 How was I to divine what she felt？ or whether any
longer she felt at all？ Here； in this costume of a woman of the world；
with the string of pearls at her neck to give her the final touch of
brilliancy； was a strange； new creature who baffled and silenced me。。。。
We had not gone halfway across the room when she halted abruptly。
〃I'm tired；〃 she exclaimed。 〃I don't feel like dancing just now；〃 and
led the way to the big； rose punch…bowl； one of the Durretts' most
cherished possessions。 Glancing up at me over the glass of lemonade I
had given her she went on： 〃Why haven't you been to see me since I came
home？ I've wanted to talk to you； to hear how you are getting along。〃
Was she trying to make amends； or reminding me in this subtle way of the
cause of our quarrel？ What I was aware of as I looked at her was an
attitude； a vantage point apparently gained by contact with that
mysterious outer world which thus vicariously had laid its spell on me；
I was tremendously struck by the thought that to achieve this attitude
meant emancipation； invulnerability against the aches and pains which
otherwise our fellow…beings had the power to give us； mastery over life；
the ability to choose calmly； as from a height； what were best for one's
self； untroubled by loves and hates。 Untroubled by loves and hates！ At
that very moment； paradoxically； I loved her madly； but with a love not
of the old quality； a love that demanded a vantage point of its own。
Even though she had made an advanceand some elusiveness in her manner
led me to doubt it I could not go to her now。 I must go as a conqueror；
a conqueror in the lists she herself had chosen； where the prize is
power。
〃Oh； I'm getting along pretty well；〃 I said。 〃At any rate； they don't
complain of me。〃
〃Somehow；〃 she ventured； 〃somehow it's hard to think of you as a business
man。〃
I took this for a reference to the boast I had made that I would go to
college。
〃Business isn't so bad as it might be；〃 I assured her。
〃I think a man ought to go away to college；〃 she declared； in what seemed
another tone。 〃He makes friends； learns certain things；it gives him
finish。 We are very provincial here。〃
Provincial！ I did not stop to reflect how recently she must have
acquired the word； it summed up precisely the self…estimate at which I
had arrived。 The sting went deep。 Before I could think of an effective
reply Nancy was being carried off by the young man from the East； who was
clearly infatuated。 He was not provincial。 She smiled back at me
brightly over his shoulder。。。。 In that instant were fused in one
resolution all the discordant elements within me of aspiration and
discontent。 It was not so much that I would show Nancy what I intended
to doI would show myself； and I felt a sudden elation； and accession of
power that enabled me momentarily to despise the puppets with whom she
danced。。。。 From this mood I was awakened with a start to feel a hand on
my shoulder； and I turned to confront her father； McAlery Willett； a
gregarious； easygoing； pleasure…loving gentleman who made only a pretence
of business； having inherited an ample fortune from his father； unique
among his generation in our city in that he paid some attention to
fashion in his dress； good living was already beginning to affect his
figure。 His mellow voice had a way of breaking an octave。
〃Don't worry； my boy；〃 he said。 〃You stick to business。 These college
fellows are cocks of the walk just now； but some day you'll be able to
snap your fingers at all of 'em。〃
The next day was dark； overcast； smoky； damp…the soft； unwholesome
dampness that follows a spell of hard frost。 I spent the morning and
afternoon on the gloomy third floor of Breck and Company； making a list
of the stock。 I remember the place as though I had just stepped out of
it； the freight elevator at the back； the dusty； iron columns； the
continuous piles of cases and bags and barrels with narrow aisles between
them； the dirty windows； spotted and soot…streaked； that looked down on
Second Street。 I was determined now to escape from all this； and I had
my plan in mind。
No sooner had I swallowed my supper that evening than I set out at a
swift pace for a modest residence district ten blocks away； coming to a
little frame house set back in a yard；one of those houses in which the
ringing of the front door…bell produces the greatest commotion；
children's voices were excitedly raised and then hushed。 After a brief
silence the door was opened by a pleasant…faced； brown…bearded man； who
stood staring at me in surprise。 His hair was rumpled； he wore an old
house coat with a hole in the elbow； and with one finger he kept his
place in the book which he held in his hand。
〃Hugh Paret！〃 he exclaimed。
He ushered me into a little parlour lighted by two lamps； that bore every
evidence of having been recently vacated。 Its features somehow bespoke a
struggle for existence； as though its occupants had worried much and
loved much。 It was a room best described by the word 〃home〃home made
more precious by a certain precariousness。 Toys and school…books strewed
the floor； a sewing…bag and apron lay across the sofa； and in one corner
was a roll…topped desk of varnished oak。 The seats of the chairs were
comfortably depressed。
So this was where Mr。 Wood lived！ Mr。 Wood； instructor in Latin and
Greek at Densmore Academy。 It was now borne in on me for the first time
that he did live and have his ties like any other human being； instead of
just appearing magically from nowhere on a platform in a chalky room at
nine every morning； to vanish again in the afternoon。 I had formerly
stood in awe of his presence。 But now I was suddenly possessed by an
embarrassment； and （shall I say it？） by a commiseration bordering on
contempt for a man who would consent to live thus for the sake of being a
schoolteacher。 How strange that civilization should set such a high
value on education and treat its functionaries with such neglect！
Mr。 Wood's surprise at seeing me was genuine。 For I had never shown a
particular interest in him； nor in the knowledge which he strove to
impart。
〃I thought you had forgotten me； Hugh；〃 he said； and added whimsically：
〃most boys do； when they graduate。〃
I felt the reproach； which made it the more difficult for me to state my
errand。
〃I knew you sometimes took pupils in the evening； Mr。 Wood。〃
〃Pupils；yes；〃 he replied； still eyeing me。 Suddenly his eyes twinkled。
He had indeed no reason to suspect me of thirsting for learning。 〃But I
was under the impression that you had gone into business； Hugh。〃
〃The fact is； sir；〃 I explained somewhat painfully； 〃that I am not
satisfied with business。 I feelas if I ought to know more。 And I came
to see if you would give me lessons about three nights a week； because I
want to take the Harvard examinations next summer。〃
Thus I made it appear； and so persuaded myself； that my ambition had been
prompted by a craving for knowledge。 As soon as he could recover himself
he reminded me that he had on many occasions declared I had a brain。
〃Your father must be very happy over this decision of yours；〃 he said。
That was the point； I told him。 It was to be a surprise for my father； I
was to take the examinations first； and inform him afterwards。
To my intense relief； Mr。 Wood found the scheme wholly laudable； and
entered into it with zest。 He produced examinations of preceding years
from a pigeonhole in his desk； and inside of half an hour the arrangement
was made； the price of the lessons settled。 They were well within my
salary； which recently had been raised。。。。
When I went down town； or collecting bills for Breck and Company； I took
a text…book along with me in the street…cars。 Now at last I had behind
my studies a driving force。 Algebra； Latin； Greek and history became
worth while； means to an end。 I astonished Mr。 Wood； and sometimes he
would tilt back his chair； take off his spectacles and pull his beard。