could muster； 〃I've an idea I'd like to read a little science。 Could you
recommend a work on biology？〃
I chose biology because I thought he would know something about it。
〃Popular biology； Mr。 Paret？〃
〃Well； not too popular； I smiled。 〃I think it would do me good to use my
mind； to chew on something。 Besides； you can help me over the tough
places。〃
He returned that afternoon with two books。
〃I've been rather fortunate in getting these；〃 he said。 〃One is fairly
elementary。 They had it at the library。 And the other〃 he paused
delicately； 〃I didn't know whether you might be interested in the latest
speculations on the subject。〃
〃Speculations？〃 I repeated。
〃Well； the philosophy of it。〃 He almost achieved a blush under his tan。
He held out the second book on the philosophy of the organism。 〃It's the
work of a German scientist who stands rather high。 I read it last
winter； and it interested me。 I got it from a clergyman I know who is
spending the winter in Santa Barbara。〃
〃A clergyman！〃
Strafford laughed。 〃An 'advanced' clergyman；〃 he explained。 〃Oh； a lot
of them are reading science now。 I think it's pretty decent of them。〃
I looked at Strafford； who towered six feet three； and it suddenly struck
me that he might be one of the forerunners of a type our universities
were about to turn out。 I wondered what he believed。 Of one thing I was
sure； that he was not in the medical profession to make money。 That was
a faith in itself。
I began with the elementary work。
〃You'd better borrow a Century Dictionary；〃 I said。
〃That's easy；〃 he said； and actually achieved it； with the clergyman's
aid。
The absorption in which I fought my way through those books may prove
interesting to future generations； who； at Sunday…school age； when the
fable of Adam and Eve was painfully being drummed into me （without any
mention of its application）； will be learning to think straight；
acquiring easily in early youth what I failed to learn until after forty。
And think of all the trouble and tragedy that will have been averted。 It
is true that I had read some biology at Cambridge； which I had promptly
forgotten； it had not been especially emphasized by my instructors as
related to lifecertainly not as related to religion： such incidents as
that of Adam and Eve occupied the religious field exclusively。 I had
been compelled to commit to memory； temporarily； the matter in those
books； but what I now began to perceive was that the matter was secondary
compared to the view point of scienceand this had been utterly
neglected。 As I read； I experienced all the excitement of an old…
fashioned romance； but of a romance of such significance as to touch the
very springs of existence； and above all I was impressed with the
integrity of the scientific methodan integrity commensurate with the
dignity of manthat scorned to quibble to make out a case； to affirm
something that could not be proved。
Little by little I became familiar with the principles of embryonic
evolution； ontogeny； and of biological evolution； phylogeny； realized；
for the first time； my own history and that of the ancestors from whom I
had developed and descended。 I； this marvellously complicated being；
torn by desires and despairs； was the result of the union of two
microscopic cells。 〃All living things come from the egg；〃 such had been
Harvey's dictum。 The result was like the tonic of a cold douche。 I
began to feel cleansed and purified； as though something sticky…sweet
which all my life had clung to me had been washed away。 Yet a question
arose； an insistent question that forever presses itself on the mind of
man； how could these apparently chemical and mechanical processes； which
the author of the book contented himself with recording； account for me？
The spermia darts for the egg； and pierces it； personal history begins。
But what mysterious shaping force is it that repeats in the individual
the history of the race； supervises the orderly division of the cells； by
degrees directs the symmetry； sets aside the skeleton and digestive tract
and supervises the structure？
I took up the second book； that on the philosophy of the
organism； to read in its preface that a much…to…be…honoured
British nobleman had established a foundation of lectures in a Scotch
University for forwarding the study of a Natural Theology。 The term
possessed me。 Unlike the old theology woven of myths and a fanciful
philosophy of the decadent period of Greece； natural theology was founded
on science itself； and scientists were among those who sought to develop
it。 Here was a synthesis that made a powerful appeal； one of the many
signs and portents of a new era of which I was dimly becoming cognizant；
and now that I looked for signs； I found them everywhere； in my young
Doctor； in Krebs； in references in the texts； indications of a new order
beginning to make itself felt in a muddled； chaotic human world； which
mightwhich must have a parallel with the order that revealed itself in
the egg！ Might not both； physical and social； be due to the influence of
the same invisible； experimenting； creating Hand？
My thoughts lingered lovingly on this theology so well named 〃natural；〃
on its conscientiousness； its refusal to affirm what it did not prove； on
its lack of dogmatic dictums and infallible revelations； yet it gave me
the vision of a new sanction whereby man might order his life； a sanction
from which was eliminated fear and superstition and romantic hope； a
sanction whose doctrinesunlike those of the sentimental theologydid
not fly in the face of human instincts and needs。 Nor was it a theology
devoid of inspiration and poetry； though poetry might be called its
complement。 With all that was beautiful and true in the myths dear to
mankind it did not conflict； annulling only the vicious dogmatism of
literal interpretation。 In this connection I remembered something that
Krebs had saidin our talk about poetry and art；that these were
emotion； religion expressed by the tools reason had evolved。 Music； he
had declared； came nearest to the cry of the human soul。。。。
That theology cleared for faith an open road； made of faith a reasonable
thing； yet did not rob it of a sense of high adventure； cleansed it of
the taints of thrift and selfish concern。 In this reaffirmation of
vitalism there might be a future； yes； an individual future； yet it was
far from the smug conception of salvation。 Here was a faith conferred by
the freedom of truth； a faith that lost and regained itself in life； it
was dynamic in its operation； for； as Lessing said； the searching after
truth； and not its possession； gives happiness to man。 In the words of
an American scientist； taken from his book on Heredity； 〃The evolutionary
idea has forced man to consider the probable future of his own race on
earth and to take measures to control that future； a matter he had
previously left largely to fate。〃
Here indeed was another sign of the times； to find in a strictly
scientific work a sentence truly religious！ As I continued to read these
works； I found them suffused with religion； religion of a kind and
quality I had not imagined。 The birthright of the spirit of man was
freedom； freedom to experiment； to determine； to createto create
himself； to create society in the image of God！ Spiritual creation the
function of cooperative man through the coming ages； the task that was to
make him divine。 Here indeed was the germ of a new sanction； of a new
motive； of a new religion that strangely harmonized with the concepts of
the oldonce the dynamic power of these was revealed。
I had been thinking of my familyof my family in terms of Matthewand
yet with a growing yearning that embraced them all。 I had not informed
Maude of my illness； and I had managed to warn Tom Peters not to do so。
I had simply written her that after the campaign I had gone for a rest to
California； yet in her letters to me； after this information had reached
her； I detected a restrained anxiety and affection that troubled me。
Sequences of words curiously convey meanings and implications that
transcend their literal sense； true thoughts and feelings are difficult
to disguise even in written speech。 Could it be possible after all that
had happened that Maude still loved me？ I continually put the thought
away from me； but continually it returned to haunt me。 Suppose Maude
could not help loving me； in spite of my weaknesses and faults； even as I
loved Nancy in spite of hers？ Love is no logical thing。
It was Matthew I wanted； Matthew of whom I thought； and trivial； long…
forgotten incidents of the past kept recurring to me constantly。 I still
received his weekly letters； but he did not ask why； since I had taken a
vacation； I had not come over to them。 He represented the medium； the
link between Maude and me that no estrangement； no separation could
break。
All this new vision of mine was for him； for the coming generation； the
soil in which it must be sown； the Americans of the future。 And who so
well as Matthew； sensitive yet brave； would respond to it？ I wished not
only to give him what I had begun to grasp； to study with him； to be his
companion and friend； but to spare him； if possible； some of my own
mistakes and sufferings and punishments。 But could I go back？ Happy
coincidences of desires and convictions had been so characteristic of
that other self I had been struggling to cast off： I had so easily been
persuaded； when I had had a chance of getting Nancy； that it was the
right thing to do！ And now； in my loneliness； was I not growing just as
eager to be convinced that it was my duty to go back to the family which
in the hour of self…sufficiency I had cast off？ I had believed in
divorce thenwhy not now？ Well； I still believed in it。 I had thought
of a union with Nancy as something that would bring about the 〃self…
realization that springs from the gratification of a great passion；〃an
appealing phrase I had read somewhere。 But； it was at least a favourable
symptom that I was willing now to confess that the 〃self…realization〃 had
been a secondary and sentimental consideration； a rosy； self…creat