symptom that I was willing now to confess that the 〃self…realization〃 had
been a secondary and sentimental consideration； a rosy； self…created halo
to give a moral and religious sanction to my desire。 Was I not trying to
do that very thing now？ It tortured me to think so； I strove to achieve
a detached consideration of the problem；to arrive at length at a
thought that seemed illuminating： that the it wrongness〃 or 〃rightness；〃
utility and happiness of all such unions depend upon whether or not they
become a part of the woof and warp of the social fabric； in other words；
whether the gratification of any particular love by divorce and
remarriage does or does not tend to destroy a portion of that fabric。
Nancy certainly would have been justified in divorce。 It did not seem in
the retrospect that I would have been： surely not if； after I had married
Nancy； I had developed this view of life that seemed to me to be the true
view。 I should have been powerless to act upon it。 But the chances were
I should not have developed it； since it would seem that any salvation
for me at least must come precisely through suffering； through not
getting what I wanted。 Was this equivocating？
My mistake had been in marrying Maude instead of Nancya mistake largely
due to my saturation with a false idea of life。 Would not the attempt to
cut loose from the consequences of that mistake in my individual case
have been futile？ But there was a remedy for itthe remedy Krebs had
suggested： I might still prevent my children from making such a mistake；
I might help to create in them what I might have been； and thus find a
solution for myself。 My errors would then assume a value。
But the question tortured me： would Maude wish it？ Would it be fair to
her if she did not？ By my long neglect I had forfeited the right to go。
And would she agree with my point of view if she did permit me to stay？
I had less concern on this score； a feeling that that development of
hers； which once had irritated me； was in the same direction as my
own。。。。
I have still strangely to record moments when； in spite of the
aspirations I had achieved； of the redeeming vision I had gained； at the
thought of returning to her I revolted。 At such times recollections came
into my mind of those characteristics in her that had seemed most
responsible for my alienation。。。。 That demon I had fed so mightily still
lived。 By what righthe seemed to askhad I nourished him all these
years if now I meant to starve him？ Thus sometimes he defied me； took on
Protean guises； blustered； insinuated； cajoled； managed to make me
believe that to starve him would be to starve myself； to sap all there
was of power in me。 Let me try and see if I could do it！ Again he
whispered； to what purpose had I gained my liberty； if now I renounced
it？ I could not live in fetters； even though the fetters should be self…
imposed。 I was lonely now； but I would get over that； and life lay
before me still。
Fierce and tenacious； steel in the cruelty of his desires； fearful in the
havoc he had wrought； could he be subdued？ Foiled； he tore and rent
me。。。。
One morning I rode up through the shady canon； fragrant with bay； to the
open slopes stained smoky…blue by the wild lilac； where the twisted
madrona grows。 As I sat gazing down on tiny headlands jutting out into a
vast ocean my paralyzing indecision came to an end。 I turned my horse
down the trail again。 I had seen at last that life was bigger than I；
bigger than Maude； bigger than our individual wishes and desires。 I felt
as though heavy shackles had been struck from me。 As I neared the house
I spied my young doctor in the garden path； his hands in his pockets
watching a humming…bird poised over the poppies。 He greeted me with a
look that was not wholly surprise at my early return； that seemed to have
in it something of gladness。
〃Strafford；〃 I said； 〃I've made up my mind to go to Europe。〃
〃I have been thinking for some time； Mr。 Paret；〃 he replied； 〃that a sea…
voyage is just what you need to set you on your feet。〃
I started eastward the next morning； arriving in New York in time to
catch one of the big liners sailing for Havre。 On my way across the
continent I decided to send a cable to Maude at Paris； since it were only
fair to give her an opportunity to reflect upon the manner in which she
would meet the situation。 Save for an impatience which at moments I
restrained with difficulty； the moods that succeeded one another as I
journeyed did not differ greatly from those I had experienced in the past
month。 I was alternately exalted and depressed； I hoped and doubted and
feared； my courage； my confidence rose and fell。 And yet I was aware of
the nascence within me of an element that gave me a stability I had
hitherto lacked： I had made my decision； and I felt the stronger for it。
It was early in March。 The annual rush of my countrymen and women for
foreign shores had not as yet begun； the huge steamer was far from
crowded。 The faint throbbing of her engines as she glided out on the
North River tide found its echo within me as I leaned on the heavy rail
and watched the towers of the city receding in the mist； they became
blurred and ghostlike； fantastic in the grey distance； sad； appealing
with a strange beauty and power。 Once the sight of them； sunlit；
standing forth sharply against the high blue of American skies； had
stirred in me that passion for wealth and power of which they were so
marvellously and uniquely the embodiment。 I recalled the bright day of
my home…coming with Maude； when she too had felt that passion drawing me
away from her； after the briefest of possessions。。。。 Well； I had had it；
the power。 I had stormed and gained entrance to the citadel itself。 I
might have lived here in New York； secure； defiant of a veering public
opinion that envied while it strove to sting。 Why was I flinging it all
away？ Was this a sudden resolution of mine； forced by events；
precipitated by a failure to achieve what of all things on earth I had
most desired？ or was it the inevitable result of the development of the
Hugh Paret of earlier days； who was not meant for that kind of power？
The vibration of the monster ship increased to a strong； electric
pulsation； the water hummed along her sides； she felt the swell of the
open sea。 A fine rain began to fall that hid the landyes； and the life
I was leaving。 I made my way across the glistening deck to the saloon
where； my newspapers and periodicals neglected； I sat all the morning
beside a window gazing out at the limited； vignetted zone of waters
around the ship。 We were headed for the Old World。 The wind rose； the
rain became pelting； mingling with the spume of the whitecaps racing
madly past： within were warmth and luxury； electric lights； open fires；
easy chairs； and men and women reading； conversing as unconcernedly as
though the perils of the deep had ceased to be。 In all this I found an
impelling interest； the naive capacity
in me for wonder； so long dormant； had been marvellously opened up once
more。 I no longer thought of myself as the important man of affairs； and
when in the progress of the voyage I was accosted by two or three men I
had met and by others who had heard of me it was only to feel amazement
at the remoteness I now felt from a world whose realities were stocks and
bonds； railroads and corporations and the detested new politics so
inimical to the smooth conduct of 〃business。〃
It all sounded like a language I had forgotten。
It was not until near the end of the passage that we ran out of the
storm。 A morning came when I went on deck to survey spaces of a blue and
white sea swept by the white March sunlight； to discern at length against
the horizon toward which we sped a cloud of the filmiest and most
delicate texture and design。 Suddenly I divined that the cloud was
France！ Little by little； as I watched； it took on substance。 I made
out headlands and cliffs； and then we were coasting beside them。 That
night I should be in Paris with Maude。 My bag was packed； my steamer
trunk closed。 I strayed about the decks； in and out of the saloons；
wondering at the indifference of other passengers who sat reading in
steamer…chairs or wrote last letters to be posted at Havre。 I was filled
with impatience； anticipation； yes； with anxiety concerning the adventure
that was now so imminent； with wavering doubts。 Had I done the wisest
thing after all？ I had the familiar experience that often comes just
before reunion after absence of recalling intimate and forgotten
impressions of those whom I was about to see again the tones of their
voices； little gestures。。。。
How would they receive me？
The great ship had slowed down and was entering the harbour； carefully
threading her way amongst smaller craft； the passengers lining the rails
and gazing at the animated scene； at the quaint and cheerful French city
bathed in sunlight。。。。 I had reached the dock and was making my way
through the hurrying and shifting groups toward the steamer train when I
saw Maude。 She was standing a little aside； scanning the faces that
passed her。
I remember how she looked at me； expectantly； yet timidly； almost
fearfully。 I kissed her。
〃You've come to meet me！〃 I exclaimed stupidly。 〃How are the children？〃
〃They're very well； Hugh。 They wanted to come； too； but I thought it
better not。〃
Her restraint struck me as extraordinary； and while I was thankful for
the relief it brought to a situation which might have been awkward； I was
conscious of resenting it a little。 I was impressed and puzzled。 As I
walked along the platform beside her she seemed almost a stranger： I had
difficulty in realizing that she was my wife； the mother of my children。
Her eyes were clear； more serious than I recalled them； and her physical
as well as her moral tone seemed to have improved。 Her cheeks glowed
with health； and she wore a becoming suit of dark blue。
〃Did you have a good trip； Hugh？〃 she asked。
〃Splendid；〃 I said； forgetting the storm。 We took our seats in an empty
compartment。 Was she glad to see me？ She had come all the way from
Paris to meet me！