compartment。 Was she glad to see me？ She had come all the way from
Paris to meet me！ All the embarrassment seemed to be on my side。 Was
this composure a controlled one or had she indeed attained to the self…
sufficiency her manner and presence implied？ Such were the questions
running through my head。
〃You've really liked Paris？〃 I asked。
〃Yes； Hugh； and it's been very good for us all。 Of course the boys like
America better； but they've learned many things they wouldn't have
learned at home； they both speak French； and Biddy too。 Even I have
improved。〃
〃I'm sure of it；〃 I said。
She flushed。
〃And what else have you been doing？〃
〃Oh； going to galleries。 Matthew often goes with me。 I think he quite
appreciates the pictures。 Sometimes I take him to the theatre； too； the
Francais。 Both boys ride in the Bois with a riding master。 It's been
rather a restricted life for them； but it won't have hurt them。 It's
good discipline。 We have little excursions in an automobile on fine days
to Versailles and other places of interest around Paris； and Matthew and
I have learned a lot of history。 I have a professor of literature from
the Sorbonne come in three times a week to give me lessons。〃
〃I didn't know you cared for literature。〃
〃I didn't know it either。〃 She smiled。 〃Matthew loves it。 Monsieur
Despard declares he has quite a gift for language。〃
Maude had already begun Matthew's education！
〃You see a few people？〃 I inquired。
〃A few。 And they have been very kind to us。 The Buffons； whom I met at
Etretat； and some of their friends； mostly educated French people。〃
The little railway carriage in which we sat rocked with speed as we flew
through the French landscape。 I caught glimpses of solid； Norman farm
buildings； of towers and keeps and delicate steeples； and quaint towns；
of bare poplars swaying before the March gusts； of green fields ablaze in
the afternoon sun。 I took it all in distractedly。 Here was Maude beside
me； but a Maude I had difficulty in recognizing； whom I did not
understand： who talked of a life she had built up for herself and that
seemed to satisfy her； one with which I had nothing to do。 I could not
tell how she regarded my re…intrusion。 As she continued to talk； a
feeling that was almost desperation grew upon me。 I had things to say to
her； things that every moment of this sort of intercourse was making more
difficult。 And I felt； if I did not say them now； that perhaps I never
should： that now or never was the appropriate time； and to delay would be
to drift into an impossible situation wherein the chance of an
understanding would be remote。
There was a pause。 How little I had anticipated the courage it would
take to do this thing！ My blood was hammering。
〃Maude；〃 I said abruptly； 〃I suppose you're wondering why I came over
here。〃
She sat gazing at me； very still； but there came into her eyes a
frightened look that almost unnerved me。 She seemed to wish to speak； to
be unable to。 Passively； she let my hand rest on hers。
〃I've been thinking a great deal during the last few months；〃 I went on
unsteadily。 〃And I've changed a good many of my ideasthat is； I've got
new ones； about things I never thought of before。 I want to say； first；
that I do not put forth any claim to come back into your life。 I know I
have forfeited any claim。 I've neglected you； and I've neglected the
children。 Our marriage has been on a false basis from the start； and
I've been to blame for it。 There is more to be said about the chances
for a successful marriage in these days； but I'm not going to dwell on
that now； or attempt to shoulder off my shortcomings on my bringing up；
on the civilization in which we have lived。 You've tried to do your
share； and the failure hasn't been your fault。 I want to tell you first
of all that I recognize your right to live your life from now on；
independently of me； if you so desire。 You ought to have the children〃
I hesitated a moment。 It was the hardest thing I had to say。 〃I've
never troubled myself about them； I've never taken on any responsibility
in regard to their bringing up。〃
〃Hugh！〃 she cried。
〃WaitI've got more to tell you； that you ought to know。 I shouldn't be
here to…day if Nancy Durrett had consented toto get a divorce and marry
me。 We had agreed to that when this accident happened to Ham； and she
went back to him。 I have to tell you that I still love herI can't say
how much； or define my feelings toward her now。 I've given up all idea
of her。 I don't think I'd marry her now； even if I had the chance； and
you should decide to live away from me。 I don't know。 I'm not so sure
of myself as I once was。 The fact is； Maude； circumstances have been too
much for me。 I've been beaten。 And I'm not at all certain that it
wasn't a cowardly thing for me to come back to you at all。〃
I felt her hand trembling under mine； but I had not the courage to look
at her。 I heard her call my name again a little cry； the very poignancy
of pity and distress。 It almost unnerved me。
〃I knew that you loved her； Hugh；〃 she said。 〃It was onlyonly a little
while after you married me that I found it out。 I guessed itwomen do
guess such thingslong before you realized it yourself。 You ought to
have married her instead of me。 You would have been happier with her。〃
I did not answer。
〃I； too； have thought a great deal；〃 she went on； after a moment。 〃I
began earlier than you； I had to。〃 I looked up suddenly and saw her
smiling at me； faintly； through her tears。 〃But I've been thinking more；
and learning more since I've been over here。 I've come to see that that
our failure hasn't been as much your fault as I once thought； as much as
you yourself declare。 You have done me a wrong； and you've done the
children a wrong。 Oh； it is frightful to think how little I knew when I
married you； but even then I felt instinctively that you didn't love me
as I deserved to be loved。 And when we came back from Europe I knew that
I couldn't satisfy you； I couldn't look upon life as you saw it； no
matter how hard I tried。 I did try； but it wasn't any use。 You'll never
know how much I've suffered all these years。
〃I have been happier here； away from you； with the children； I've had a
chance to be myself。 It isn't that I'mmuch。 It isn't that I don't
need guidance and counsel andsympathy。 I've missed those； but you've
never given them to me； and I've been learning more and more to do
without them。 I don't know why marriage should suddenly have become such
a mockery and failure in our time； but I know that it is； that ours
hasn't been such an exception as I once thought。 I've come to believe
that divorce is often justified。〃
〃It is justified so far as you are concerned； Maude；〃 I replied。
〃It is not justified for me。 I have forfeited； as I say； any rights over
you。 I have been the aggressor and transgressor from the start。 You
have been a good wife and a good mother； you have been faithful； I have
had absolutely nothing to complain of。〃
〃Sometimes I think I might have tried harder；〃 she said。 〃At least I
might have understood better。 I was stupid。 But everything went wrong。
And I saw you growing away from me all the time； Hugh； growing away from
the friends who were fond of you； as though you were fading in the
distance。 It wasn't wholly becausebecause of Nancy that I left you。
That gave me an excusean excuse for myself。 Long before that I
realized my helplessness； I knew that whatever I might have done was past
doing。〃
〃Yes； I know；；〃 I assented。
We sat in silence for a while。 The train was skirting an ancient town
set on a hill； crowned with a castle and a Gothic church whose windows
were afire in the setting sun。
〃Maude；〃 I said； 〃I have not come to plead； to appeal to your pity as
against your judgment and reason。 I can say this much； that if I do not
love you； as the word is generally understood； I have a new respect for
you； and a new affection； and I think that these will grow。 I have no
doubt that there are some fortunate people who achieve the kind of mutual
love for which it is human to yearn； whose passion is naturally
transmuted into a feeling that may be even finer； but I am inclined to
think； even in such a case； that some effort and unselfishness are
necessary。 At any rate； that has been denied to us； and we can never
know it from our own experience。 We can only hope that there is such a
thing； …yes； and believe in it and work for it。〃
〃Work for it； Hugh？〃 she repeated。
〃For othersfor our children。 I have been thinking about the children a
great deal in the last few months especially about Matthew。〃
〃You always loved him best；〃 she said。
〃Yes；〃 I admitted。 〃I don't know why it should be so。 And in spite of
it； I have neglected him； neglected them； failed to appreciate them all。
I did not deserve them。 I have reproached myself； I have suffered for
it； not as much as I deserved。 I came to realize that the children were
a bond between us； that their existence meant something greater than
either of us。 But at the same time I recognized that I had lost my right
over them； that it was you who had proved yourself worthy。。。。 It was
through the children that I came to think differently； to feel
differently toward you。 I have come to you to ask your forgiveness。〃
〃Oh； Hugh！〃 she cried。
〃Wait；〃 I said。。。。 〃I have come to you； through them。 I want to say
again that I should not be here if I had obtained my desires。 Yet there
is more to it than that。 I think I have reached a stage where I am able
to say that I am glad I didn't obtain them。 I see now that this coming
to you was something I have wanted to do all along； but it was the
cowardly thing to do； after I had failed； for it was not as though I had
conquered the desires； the desires conquered me。 At any rate； I couldn't
come to you to encumber you； to be a drag upon you。 I felt that I must
have something to offer you。 I've got a plan； Maude； for my life； for
our lives。 I don't know whether I can make a success of it； and you are
entitled to decline to take the risk。 I don't fool myself that it will
be