the complete works of artemus ward, part 2- 第5部分

It'll　cost　some　postage…stamps　to　raise　this　fam'ly；　and　yet
it　'ud　go　hard　with　the　old　man　to　lose　any　lamb　of　the　flock。

An　old　bachelor　is　a　poor　critter。　　He　may　have　hearn　the
skylark　or　（what's　nearly　the　same　thing）　MISS　KELLOGG　and
CARLOTTY　PATTI　sing；　he　may　have　hearn　OLE　BULL　fiddle；　and
all　the　DODWORTHS　toot；　an'　yet　he　don't　know　nothin'　about
musicthe　real；　ginuine　thingthe　music　of　the　laughter　of
happy；　well…fed　children！　　And　you　may　ax　the　father　of　sich
children　home　to　dinner；　feelin　werry　sure　there'll　be　no
spoons　missin'　when　he　goes　away。　　Sich　fathers　never　drop　tin
five…cent　pieces　into　the　contribution　box；　nor　palm　shoe…pegs
off　onto　blind　hosses　for　oats；　nor　skedaddle　to　British　sile
when　their　country's　in　dangernor　do　anything　which　is
really　mean。　　I　don't　mean　to　intimate　that　the　old　bachelor
is　up　to　little　games　of　this　sortnot　at　allbut　I　repeat；
he's　a　poor　critter。　　He　don't　live　here；　only　stays。　　He
ought　to　'pologize　on　behalf　of　his　parients；　for　bein'　here
at　all。　　The　happy　marrid　man　dies　in　good　stile　at　home；
surrounded　by　his　weeping　wife　and　children。　　The　old　bachelor
don't　die　at　allhe　sort　of　rots　away；　like　a　pollywog's
tail。
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　。　　。　　。　　。

My　townsmen　were　sort　o'　demoralized。　　There　was　a　evident
desine　to　ewade　the　Draft；　as　I　obsarved　with　sorrer；　and
patritism　was　below　Parand　MAR；　too。　　＇A　jew　desprit。＇　　I
hadn't　no　sooner　sot　down　on　the　piazzy　of　the　tavoun　than　I
saw　sixteen　solitary　hossmen；　ridin'　four　abreast；　wendin'
their　way　up　the　street。

〃What's　them？　　Is　it　cavilry？〃

〃That；〃　said　the　landlord；　〃is　the　stage。　　Sixteen　able…bodied
citizens　has　literally　bo't　the　stage　line　'tween　here　and
Scotsburg。　　That's　them。　　They're　Stage…drivers。　　Stage…
drivers　is　exempt！〃

I　saw　that　each　stage…driver　carried　a　letter　in　his　left
hand。

〃The　mail　is　hevy；　to…day；〃　said　the　landlord。　　〃Gin'rally
they　don't　have　more'n　half　a　dozen　letters　'tween　'em。　　To…
day　they're　got　one　a　piece！　　Bile　my　lights　and　liver！〃

〃And　the　passengers？〃

〃There　ain't　any；　skacely；　now…days；〃　said　the　landlord；　〃and
what　few　ther　is　very　much　prefer　to　walk；　the　roads　is　so
rough。〃

〃And　how　ist　with　you？〃　I　inquired　of　the　editor　of　the
〃Bugle…Horn　of　Liberty；〃　who　sot　near　me。

〃I　can't　go；〃　he　said；　shakin'　his　head　in　a　wise　way。
〃Ordinarily　I　should　delight　to　wade　in　gore；　but　my　bleedin'
country　bids　me　stay　at　home。　　It　is　imperatively　necessary
that　I　remain　here　for　the　purpose　of　announcin'；　from　week　to
week；　that　OUR　GOV'MENT　IS　ABOUT　TO　TAKE　VIGOROUS　MEASURES　TO
PUT　DOWN　THE　REBELLION！〃

I　strolled　into　the　village　oyster…saloon；　where　I　found　Dr。
SCHWAZEY；　a　leadin'　citizen　in　a　state　of　mind　which　showed
that　he'd　bin　histin'　in　more'n　his　share　of　pizen。

〃Hello；　old　Beeswax；〃　he　bellered；　〃how's　yer　grandmams？　　When
you　goin'　to　feed　your　stuffed　animils？〃

〃What's　the　matter　with　the　eminent　physician？〃　I　pleasantly
inquired。

〃This；〃　he　said；　〃this　is　what's　the　matter。　　I'm　a　habit…ooal
drunkard！　　I'm　exempt！〃

〃Jes'　so。〃

〃Do　you　see　them　beans；　old　man？〃　and　he　pinted　to　a　plate
before　him。　　〃Do　you　see　'em？〃

〃I　do。　　They　are　a　cheerful　fruit　when　used　tempritly。〃

〃Well；〃　said　he；　〃I　hadn't　eat　anything　since　last　week。　　I
eat　beans　now　BECAUSE　I　eat　beans　THEN。　　I　never　mix　my
vittles！〃

〃It's　quite　proper　you　should　eat　a　little　suthin'　once　in　a
while；〃　I　said。　　〃It's　a　good　idee　to　occasionally　instruct
the　stummick　that　it　mustn't　depend　excloosively　on　licker　for
its　sustainance。〃

〃A　blessin'；〃　he　cried；　〃a　blessin'　onto　the　hed　of　the　man
what　invented　beans。　　A　blessin'　onto　his　hed！〃

〃Which　his　name　is　GILSON！　　He's　a　first　family　of　Bostin；〃
said　I。
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　。　　。　　。　　。

This　is　a　speciment　of　how　things　was　goin'　in　my　place　of
residence。
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　。　　。　　。　　。

A　few　was　true　blue。　　The　schoolmaster　was　among　'em。　　He
greeted　me　warmly。　　He　said　I　was　welkim　to　those　shores。　　He
said　I　had　a　massiv　mind。　　It　was　gratifyin'；　he　said；　to　see
the　great　intelleck　stalkin'　in　their　midst　onct　more。　　I　have
before　had　occasion　to　notice　this　schoolmaster。　　He　is
evidently　a　young　man　of　far　more　than　ord'nary　talents。

The　schoolmaster　proposed　we　should　git　up　a　mass　meetin'。
The　meetin'　was　largely　attended。　　We　held　it　in　the　open　air
round　a　roarin'　bonfire。

The　schoolmaster　was　the　first　orator。　　He's　pretty　good　on
the　speak。　　He　also　writes　well；　his　composition　bein'　seldom
marred　by　ingrammatticisms。　He　said　this　inactivity　surprised
him。　　〃What　do　you　expect　will　come　of　this　kind　of　doin's？
Nihil　fit〃

〃Hooray　for　Nihil！〃　I　interrupted。　　〃Fellow…citizens；　let's
giv　three　cheers　for　Nihil；　the　man　who　fit！〃

The　schoolmaster　turned　a　little　red；　but　repeated〃Nihil
fit。〃

〃Exactly；〃　I　said。　　〃Nihil　FIT。　　He　wasn't　a　strategy　feller。〃

〃Our　venerable　friend；〃　said　the　schoolmaster；　smilin'
pleasantly；　〃isn't　posted　in　Virgil。〃

〃No；　I　don't　know　him。　　But　if　he's　a　able…bodied　man　he　must
stand　his　little　draft。〃

The　schoolmaster　wound　up　in　eloquent　style；　and　the
subscriber　took　the　stand。

I　said　the　crisis　had　not　only　cum　itself；　but　it　had　brought
all　its　relations。　　It　has　cum；　I　said；　with　a　evident
intention　of　makin'　us　a　good　long　visit。　　It's　goin'　to　take
off　its　things　and　stop　with　us。　　My　wife　says　so　too。　　This
is　a　good　war。　　For　those　who　like　this　war；　it's　just　such　a
kind　of　war　as　they　like。　　I'll　bet　ye。　　My　wife　says　so　too。
If　the　Federal　army　succeeds　in　takin'　Washington；　and　they
seem　to　be　advancin'　that　way　pretty　often；　I　shall　say　it　is
strategy；　and　Washington　will　be　safe。　　And　that　noble　banner；
as　it　werethat　banner；　as　it　werewill　be　a　emblem；　or
rather；　I　should　say；　that　noble　bannerAS　IT　WERE。　　My　wife
says　so　too。　　＇I　got　a　little　mixed　up　here；　but　they　didn't
notice　it。　　Keep　mum。＇　　Feller　citizens；　it　will　be　a　proud
day　for　this　Republic　when　Washington　is　safe。　　My　wife　says
so　too。

The　editor　of　the　〃Bugle…Horn　of　Liberty〃　here　arose　and　said：
〃I　do　not　wish　to　interrupt　the　gentleman；　but　a　impertant
despatch　has　just　bin　received　at　the　telegraph　office　here。
I　will　read　it。　　It　is　as　follows：　　GOV'MENT　IS　ABOUT　TO　TAKE
VIGOROUS　MEASURES　TO　PUT　DOWN　THE　REBELLION！　　＇Loud　applause。＇

That；　said　I；　is　cheering。　　That's　soothing。　　And　Washington
will　be　safe。　＇Sensation。＇　　Philadelphia　is　safe。　　Gen。
PATTERSON'S　in　Philadelphia。　　But　my　heart　bleeds　partic'ly
for　Washington。　　My　wife　says　so　too。

There's　money　enough。　No　trouble　about　MONEY。　　They've　got　a
lot　of　first…class　bank…note　engravers　at　Washington　（which
place；　I　regret　to　say；　is　by　no　means　safe）　who　turn　out　two
or　three　cords　of　money　a　daygood　money；　too。　　Goes　well。
These　bank…note　engravers　made　good　wages。　　I　expect　they　lay
up　property。　　They　are　full　of　Union　sentiment。　　There　is
considerable　Union　sentiment　in　Virginny；　more　especially
among　the　honest　farmers　of　the　Shenandoah　valley。　　My　wife
says　so　too。

Then　it　isn't　money　we　want。　　But　we　do　want　MEN；　and　we　must
have　them。　　We　must　carry　a　whirlwind　of　fire　among　the　foe。
We　must　crush　the　ungrateful　rebels　who　are　poundin'　the
Goddess　of　Liberty　over　the　head　with　slung…shots；　and
stabbin'　her　with　stolen　knives！　　We　must　lick　'em　quick。　　We
must　introduce　a　large　number　of　first…class　funerals　among
the　people　of　the　South。　　Betsy　says　so　too。

This　war　hain't　been　too　well　managed。　　We　all　know　that。
What　then？　　We　are　all　in　the　same　boatif　the　boat　goes
down；　we　go　down　with　her。　　Hence　we　must　all　fight。　　It　ain't
no　use　to　talk　now　about　who　CAUSED　the　war。　　That's　played
out。　　The　war　is　upon　usupon　us　alland　we　must　all　fight。
We　can't　〃reason〃　the　matter　with　the　foe。　　When；　in　the　broad
glare　of　the　noonday　sun；　a　speckled　jackass　boldly　and
maliciously　kicks　over　a　peanut…stand；　do　we　〃reason〃　with
him？　　I　guess　not。　　And　why　〃reason〃　with　those　other　Southern
people　who　are　trying　to　kick　over　the　Republic！　　Betsy；　my
wife；　says　so　too。

The　meeting　broke　up　with　enthusiasm。

We　shan't　draft　in　Baldinsville　if　we　can　help　it。


2。7。　　SURRENDER　OF　CORNWALLIS。

It　was　customary　in　many　of　the　inland　towns　of　New　England；
some　thirty　years　ago；　to　celebrate　the　anniversary　of　the
surrender　of　Lord　Cornwallis　by　a　sham　representation　of　that
important　event　in　the　history　of　the　Revolutionary　War。　　A
town　meeting　would　be　called；　at　which　a　company　of　men　would
be　detailed　as　British；　and　a　company　as　Americanstwo
leading　citizens　being　selected　to　represent　Washington　and
Cornwallis　in　mimic　surrender。

The　pleasant　little　town　of　W；　in　whose　schools　the　writer
has　been　repeatedly　〃corrected；〃　upon　whose　ponds　he　has　often
skated；　upon　whose　richest　orchards　he　has；　with　other
juvenile　bandits；　many　times　dashed　in　the　silent　midnight；
the　town　of　W；　where　it　was　popularly　believed　these　bandits
would　〃come　to　a　bad　end；〃　resolved　to　celebrate　the
surrender。　　Rival　towns　had　celebrated；　and　W　determined　to
eclipse　them　in　the　most　signal　manner。　　It　is　my　privilege　to
tell　how　W　succeeded　in　this　determination。

The　great　day　came。　　It　was　ushered　in　by　the　roar　of
musketry；　the　ringing　of　the　village　church　bell；　the
squeaking　of　fifes；　and　the　rattling　of　drums。

People　poured　into　the　village　from　all　over　the　county。
Never　had　W　experienced　such　a　jam。　　Never　had　there　been
such　an　onslaught　upon　gingerbread　carts。　　Never　had　New
England　rum　（for　this　was　before　Neal　Dow's　day）　flowed　so
freely。　　And　W's　fair　daughters；　who　mounted　the　house…tops
to　see　the　surrender；　had　never　looked　fairer。　　The　old　folks
came；　too；　and　among　them　were　several　war…scarred　heroes；　who
had　fought　gallantly　at　Monmouth　and　Yorktown。　　These　brave
sons　of　'76　took　no　part　in　the　demonstration；　but　an　honored
bench　was　set　apart　for　their　exclusive　use　on　the　piazza　of
Sile　Smith's　store。　　When　they　were　dry　all　they　had　to　do　was
to　sing　out　to　Sile's　boy；　Jerry；　〃a　leetle　New　Englan'　this
way；　if　YOU　please。〃　　It　was　brought　forthwith。

At　precisely　9　o'clock；　by　the　schoolmaster's　new　〃Lepeen〃
watch