way； if YOU please。〃 It was brought forthwith。
At precisely 9 o'clock； by the schoolmaster's new 〃Lepeen〃
watch； the American and British forces marched on to the
village green and placed themselves in battle array； reminding
the spectator of the time when
〃Brave Wolfe drew up his men
In a style most pretty；
On the Plains of Abraham
Before the city。〃
The character of Washington had been assigned to 'Squire Wood；
a well…to…do and influential farmer； while that of Cornwallis
had been given to the village lawyer； a kind…hearted but
rather pompous person； whose name was Caleb Jones。
'Squire Wood； the Washington of the occasion； had met with
many unexpected difficulties in preparing his forces； and in
his perplexity he had emptied not only his own canteen but
those of most of his aids。 The consequence wasmortifying as
it must be to all true Americansblushing as I do to tell it；
Washington at the commencement of the mimic struggle was most
unqualifiedly drunk。
The sham fight commenced。 Bang！ bang！ bang！ from the
Americansbang！ bang！ bang！ from the British。 The bangs were
kept hotly up until the powder gave out； and then came the
order to charge。 Hundreds of wooden bayonets flashed fiercely
in the sunlight； each soldier taking very good care not to hit
anybody。
〃Thaz （hic） right；〃 shouted Washington； who during the
shooting had been racing his horse wildly up and down the
line； 〃thaz right！ GIN it to 'em！ Cut their tarnal heads
off！〃
〃On； Romans！〃 shrieked Cornwallis； who had once seen a
theatrical performance and remembered the heroic appeals of
the Thespian belligerents； 〃on to the fray！ No sleep till
mornin'。〃
〃Let eout all their bowels；〃 yelled Washington； 〃and down with
taxation on tea！〃
The fighting now ceased； the opposing forces were properly
arranged； and Cornwallis； dismounting； prepared to present his
sword to Washington according to programme。 As he walked
slowly towards the Father of His Country he rehearsed the
little speech he had committed for the occasion； while the
illustrious being who was to hear it was making desperate
efforts to keep in his saddle。 Now he would wildly brandish
his sword and narrowly escape cutting off his horse's ears；
and then he would fall suddenly forward on to the steed's
neck； grasping the mane as drowning men seize hold of straws。
He was giving an inimitable representation of Toodles on
horseback。 All idea of the magnitude of the occasion had left
him； and when he saw Cornwallis approaching； with slow and
stately step； and sword…hilt extended toward him； he inquired；
〃What'n devil YOU want； any （hic） how！〃
〃General Washington；〃 said Cornwallis； in dignified and
impressive tones； 〃I tender you my sword。 I need not inform
you； Sir； how deeply〃
The speech was here suddenly cut short by Washington； who；
driving the spurs into his horse； playfully attempted to ride
over the commander of the British forces。 He was not
permitted to do this； for his aids； seeing his unfortunate
condition； seized the horse by the bridle； straightened
Washington up in his saddle； and requested Cornwallis to
proceed with his remarks。
〃General Washington；〃 said Cornwallis； 〃the British Lion
prostrates himself at the feet of the American Eagle！〃
〃EAGLE？ EAGLE！〃 yelled the infuriated Washington； rolling off
his horse and hitting Cornwallis a frightful blow on the head
with the flat of his sword； 〃do you call me a EAGLE； you mean；
sneakin' cuss？〃 He struck him again； sending him to the
ground； and said； 〃I'll learn you to call me a Eagle； you
infernal scoundrel！〃
Cornwallis remained upon the ground only a moment。 Smarting
from the blows he had received； he arose with an entirely
unlooked for recuperation on the part of the fallen； and in
direct defiance of historical example； in spite of the men of
both nations； indeed； he whipped the Immortal Washington until
he roared for mercy。
The Americans； at first mortified and indignant at the conduct
of their chief； now began to sympathize with him； and resolved
to whip their mock foes in earnest。 They rushed fiercely upon
them； but the British were really the stronger party and drove
the Americans back。 Not content with this they charged madly
upon them and drove them from the fieldfrom the village； in
fact。 There were many heads damaged； eyes draped in mourning；
noses fractured and legs lamedit is a wonder that no one was
killed outright。
Washington was confined to his house for several weeks； but he
recovered at last。 For a time there was a coolness between
himself and Cornwallis； but they finally concluded to join the
whole county in laughing about the surrender。
They live now。 Time； the 〃artist；〃 has thoroughly whitewashed
their heads； but they are very jolly still。 On town meeting
days the old 'Squire always rides down to the village。 In the
hind part of his venerable yellow wagon is always a bunch of
hay； ostensibly for the old white horse； but really to hide a
glass bottle from the vulgar gaze。 This bottle has on one
side a likeness of Lafayette； and upon the other may be seen
the Goddess of Liberty。 What the bottle contains inside I
cannot positively say； but it is true that 'Squire Wood and
Lawyer Jones visit that bottle very frequently on town…meeting
days and come back looking quite red in the face。 When this
redness in the face becomes of the blazing kind； as it
generally does by the time the polls close； a short dialogue
like this may be heard。
〃We shall never play surrender again； Lawyer Jones。〃
〃Them days is over； 'Squire Wood！〃
2。8。 THINGS IN NEW YORK。
The stoodent and connyseer must have noticed and admired in
varis parts of the United States of America large yeller
hanbills； which not only air gems of art in theirselves； but
they troothfully sit forth the attractions of my showa show；
let me here obsarve； that contains many livin' wild animils；
every one of which has got a Beautiful Moral。
Them hanbills is sculpt in New York。
& I annoolly repair here to git some more on 'um；
&； bein' here； I tho't I'd issoo a Adress to the public on
matters and things。
Since last I meyandered these streets； I have bin all over the
Pacific Slopes and Utah。 I cum back now； with my virtoo
unimpaired； but I've got to git some new clothes。
Many changes has taken place； even durin' my short absence； &
sum on um is Sollum to contempulate。 The house in Varick
street； where I used to Board； is bein' torn down。 That
house； which was rendered memoriable by my livin' into it； is
〃parsin' away！ parsin' away！〃 But some of the timbers will be
made into canes； which will be sold to my admirers at the low
price of one dollar each。 Thus is changes goin' on
continerly。 In the New World it is warin the Old World
Empires is totterin' & Dysentaries is crumblin'。 These canes
is cheap at a dollar。
Sammy Booth； Duane street； sculps my hanbills； & he's artist。
He studid in RomeState of New York。
I'm here to read the proof…sheets of my hanbils as fast as
they're sculpt。 You have to watch these ere printers pretty
close； for they're jest as apt to spel a wurd rong as anyhow。
But I have time to look around sum & how do I find things？ I
return to the Atlantic States after a absence of ten months； &
what State do I find the country in？ Why I don't know what
State I find it in。 Suffice it to say； that I do not find it
in the State of New Jersey。
I find sum things that is cheerin'； particly the resolve on
the part of the wimin of America to stop wearin' furrin goods。
I never meddle with my wife's things。 She may wear muslin
from Greenland's icy mountains； and bombazeen from Injy's
coral strands； if she wants to； but I'm glad to state that
that superior woman has peeled off all her furrin clothes and
jumpt into fabrics of domestic manufactur。
But； says sum folks； if you stop importin' things you stop the
revenoo。 That's all right。 We can stand it if the Revenoo
can。 On the same principle young men should continer to get
drunk on French brandy and to smoke their livers as dry as a
corn…cob with Cuby cigars because 4…sooth if they don't； it
will hurt the Revenoo！ This talk 'bout the Revenoo is of the
bosh boshy。 One thing is tol'bly certinif we don't send
gold out of the country we shall have the consolation of
knowing that it is in the country。 So I say great credit is
doo the wimin for this patriotic moveand to tell the trooth；
the wimin genrally know what they're bout。 Of all the
blessins they're the soothinist。 If there'd never bin any
wimin； where would my children be to…day？
But I hope this move will lead to other moves that air just as
much needed； one of which is a genral and therrer curtainment
of expenses all round。 The fact is we air gettin' ter'bly
extravgant； and onless we paws in our mad career in less than
two years the Goddess of Liberty will be seen dodgin' into a
Pawn Broker's shop with the other gown done up in a bundle；
even if she don't have to Spout the gold stars in her
head…band。 Let us all take hold jintly； and live and dress
centsibly； like our forefathers who know'd moren we do； if
they warnt quite so honest！ （Suttle goaketh。）
There air other cheerin' signs for Ameriky。 We don't； for
instuns； lack great Gen'rals； and we certinly don't brave
sojersbut there's one thing I wish we did lack； and that is
our present Congress。
I venture to say that if you sarch the earth all over with a
ten…hoss power mikriscope； you won't be able to find such
another pack of poppycock gabblers as the present Congress of
the United States of America would be able to findfind among
their constituents。
Gentleman of the Senit & of the House； you've sot there and
draw'd your pay and made summer…complaint speeches long enuff。
The country at large； incloodin' the undersined； is disgusted
with you。 Why don't you show us a statesmansumbody who can
make a speech that will hit the pop'lar hart right under the
great Public weskit？ Why don't you show us a statesman who
can rise up to the Emergency； and cave in the Emergency's
head？
Congress； you wo