youth- 第31部分

incontinently　from　the　school；　and　was　prevented　by　the　mere

thought　that　possibly　he　had　told　her　about　me　from　ever　entering

the　place　again；　or　even　from　hiding　behind　her　grooms；　lest　I

should　encounter　her。



Whenever　I　fell　in　love　with　ladies　whom　I　did　not　know；　and

especially　married　women；　I　experienced　a　shyness　a　thousand

times　greater　than　I　had　ever　felt　with　Sonetchka。　I　dreaded

beyond　measure　that　my　divinity　should　learn　of　my　passion；　or

even　of　my　existence；　since　I　felt　sure　that；　once　she　had　done

so；　she　would　be　so　terribly　offended　that　I　should　never　be

forgiven　for　my　presumption。　And　indeed；　if　the　Amazon　referred

to　above　had　ever　come　to　know　how　I　used　to　stand　behind　the

grooms　and　dream　of　seizing　her　and　carrying　her　off　to　some

country　spotif　she　had　ever　come　to　know　how　I　should　have　lived

with　her　there；　and　how　I　should　have　treated　her；　it　is　probable

that　she　would　have　had　very　good　cause　for　indignation！　But　I

always　felt　that；　once　I　got　to　know　her；　she　would　straightway

divine　these　thoughts；　and　consider　herself　insulted　by　my

acquaintance。



As　my　second　affaire　du　coeur；　I；　（for　the　third　time）　fell　in

love　with　Sonetchka　when　I　saw　her　at　her　sister's。　My　second

passion　for　her　had　long　since　come　to　an　end；　but　I　became

enamoured　of　her　this　third　time　through　Lubotshka　sending　me　a

copy…book　in　which　Sonetchka　had　copied　some　extracts　from

Lermontoff's　The　Demon；　with　certain　of　the　more　subtly　amorous

passages　underlined　in　red　ink　and　marked　with　pressed　flowers。

Remembering　how　Woloda　had　been　wont　to　kiss　his　inamorata's

purse　last　year；　I　essayed　to　do　the　same　thing　now；　and　really；

when　alone　in　my　room　in　the　evenings　and　engaged　in　dreaming　as

I　looked　at　a　flower　or　occasionally　pressed　it　to　my　lips；　I

would　feel　a　certain　pleasantly　lachrymose　mood　steal　over　me；

and　remain　genuinely　in　love　（or　suppose　myself　to　be　so）　for　at

least　several　days。



Finally；　my　third　affaire　du　coeur　that　winter　was　connected　with

the　lady　with　whom　Woloda　was　in　love；　and　who　used　occasionally

to　visit　at　our　house。　Yet；　in　this　damsel；　as　I　now　remember；

there　was　not　a　single　beautiful　feature　to　be　foundor；　at　all

events；　none　of　those　which　usually　pleased　me。　She　was　the

daughter　of　a　well…known　Moscow　lady　of　light　and　leading；　and；

petite　and　slender；　wore　long　flaxen　curls　after　the　English

fashion；　and　could　boast　of　a　transparent　profile。　Every　one　said

that　she　was　even　cleverer　and　more　learned　than　her　mother；　but

I　was　never　in　a　position　to　judge　of　that；　since；　overcome　with

craven　bashfulness　at　the　mere　thought　of　her　intellect　and

accomplishments；　I　never　spoke　to　her　alone　but　once；　and　then

with　unaccountable　trepidation。　Woloda's　enthusiasm；　however　（for

the　presence　of　an　audience　never　prevented　him　from　giving　vent

to　his　rapture）；　communicated　itself　to　me　so　strongly　that　I

also　became　enamoured　of　the　lady。　Yet；　conscious　that　he　would

not　be　pleased　to　know　that　two　brothers　were　in　love　with　the

same　girl；　I　never　told　him　of　my　condition。　On　the　contrary；　I

took　special　delight　in　the　thought　that　our　mutual　love　for　her

was　so　pure　that；　though　its　object　was；　in　both　cases；　the　same

charming　being；　we　remained　friends　and　ready；　if　ever　the

occasion　should　arise；　to　sacrifice　ourselves　for　one　another。

Yet　I　have　an　idea　that；　as　regards　self…sacrifice；　he　did　not

quite　share　my　views；　for　he　was　so　passionately　in　love　with　the

lady　that　once　he　was　for　giving　a　member　of　the　diplomatic

corps；　who　was　said　to　be　going　to　marry　her；　a　slap　in　the　face

and　a　challenge　to　a　duel；　but；　for　my　part；　I　would　gladly　have

sacrificed　my　feelings　for　his　sake；　seeing　that　the　fact　that

the　only　remark　I　had　ever　addressed　to　her　had　been　on　the

subject　of　the　dignity　of　classical　music；　and　that　my　passion；

for　all　my　efforts　to　keep　it　alive；　expired　the　following　week；

would　have　rendered　it　the　more　easy　for　me　to　do　so。



XXXVIII



THE　WORLD



As　regards　those　worldly　delights　to　which　I　had　intended；　on

entering　the　University；　to　surrender　myself　in　imitation　of　my

brother；　I　underwent　a　complete　disillusionment　that　winter。

Woloda　danced　a　great　deal；　and　Papa　also　went　to　balls　with　his

young　wife；　but　I　appeared　to　be　thought　either　too　young　or

unfitted　for　such　delights；　and　no　one　invited　me　to　the　houses

where　balls　were　being　given。　Yet；　in　spite　of　my　vow　of

frankness　with　Dimitri；　I　never　told　him　（nor　any　one　else）　how

much　I　should　have　liked　to　go　to　those　dances；　and　how　I　felt

hurt　at　being　forgotten　and　（apparently）　taken　for　the

philosopher　that　I　pretended　to　be。



Nevertheless；　a　reception　was　to　be　given　that　winter　at　the

Princess　Kornakoff's；　and　to　it　she　sent　us　personal　invitations

to　myself　among　the　rest！　Consequently；　I　was　to　attend　my　first

ball。　Before　starting；　Woloda　came　into　my　room　to　see　how　I　was

dressing　myselfan　act　on　his　part　which　greatly　surprised　me　and

took　me　aback。　In　my　opinion　（it　must　be　understood）　solicitude

about　one's　dress　was　a　shameful　thing；　and　should　be　kept　under；

but　he　seemed　to　think　it　a　thing　so　natural　and　necessary　that

he　said　outright　that　he　was　afraid　I　should　be　put　out　of

countenance　on　that　score。　Accordingly；　he　bid　me　don　my　patent

leather　boots；　and　was　horrified　to　find　that　I　wanted　to　put　on

gloves　of　peau　de　chamois。　Next；　he　adjusted　my　watch…chain　in　a

particular　manner；　and　carried　me　off　to　a　hairdresser's　near　the

Kuznetski　Bridge　to　have　my　locks　coiffured。　That　done；　he

withdrew　to　a　little　distance　and　surveyed　me。



〃Yes；　he　looks　right　enough　now〃　said　he　to　the　hairdresser。

〃Onlycouldn't　you　smooth　those　tufts　of　his　in　front　a　little？〃

Yet；　for　all　that　Monsieur　Charles　treated　my　forelocks　with　one

essence　and　another；　they　persisted　in　rising　up　again　when　ever

I　put　on　my　hat。　In　fact；　my　curled　and　tonsured　figure　seemed　to

me　to　look　far　worse　than　it　had　done　before。　My　only　hope　of

salvation　lay　in　an　affectation　of　untidiness。　Only　in　that　guise

would　my　exterior　resemble　anything　at　all。　Woloda；　apparently；

was　of　the　same　opinion；　for　he　begged　me　to　undo　the　curls；　and

when　I　had　done　so　and　still　looked　unpresentable；　he　ceased　to

regard　me　at　all；　but　throughout　the　drive　to　the　Kornakoffs

remained　silent　and　depressed。



Nevertheless；　I　entered　the　Kornakoffs'　mansion　boldly　enough；　and

it　was　only　when　the　Princess　had　invited　me　to　dance；　and　I；　for

some　reason　or　another　（though　I　had　driven　there　with　no　other

thought　in　my　head　than　to　dance　well）；　had　replied　that　I　never

indulged　in　that　pastime；　that　I　began　to　blush；　and；　left

solitary　among　a　crowd　of　strangers；　became　plunged　in　my　usual

insuperable　and　ever…growing　shyness。　In　fact；　I　remained　silent

on　that　spot　almost　the　whole　evening！



Nevertheless；　while　a　waltz　was　in　progress；　one　of　the　young

princesses　came　to　me　and　asked　me；　with　the　sort　of　official

kindness　common　to　all　her　family；　why　I　was　not　dancing。　I　can

remember　blushing　hotly　at　the　question；　but　at　the　same　time

feelingfor　all　my　efforts　to　prevent　ita　self…satisfied　smile

steal　over　my　face　as　I　began　talking；　in　the　most　inflated　and

long…winded　French；　such　rubbish　as　even　now；　after　dozens　of

years；　it　shames　me　to　recall。　It　must　have　been　the　effect　of

the　music；　which；　while　exciting　my　nervous　sensibility；　drowned

（as　I　supposed）　the　less　intelligible　portion　of　my　utterances。

Anyhow；　I　went　on　speaking　of　the　exalted　company　present；　and　of

the　futility　of　men　and　women；　until　I　had　got　myself　into　such　a

tangle　that　I　was　forced　to　stop　short　in　the　middle　of　a　word　of

a　sentence　which　I　found　myself　powerless　to　conclude。



Even　the　worldly…minded　young　Princess　was　shocked　by　my　conduct；

and　gazed　at　me　in　reproach；　whereat　I　burst　out　laughing。　At

this　critical　moment；　Woloda；　who　had　remarked　that　I　was

conversing　with　great　animation；　and　probably　was　curious　to　know

what　excuses　I　was　making　for　not　dancing；　approached　us　with

Dubkoff。　Seeing；　however；　my　smiling　face　and　the　Princess's

frightened　mien；　as　well　as　overhearing　the　appalling　rubbish

with　which　I　concluded　my　speech；　he　turned　red　in　the　face；　and

wheeled　round　again。　The　Princess　also　rose　and　left　me。　I

continued　to　smile；　but　in　such　a　state　of　agony　from　the

consciousness　of　my　stupidity　that　I　felt　ready　to　sink　into　the

floor。　Likewise　I　felt　that；　come　what　might；　I　must　move　about

and　say　something；　in　order　to　effect　a　change　in　my　position。

Accordingly　I　approached　Dubkoff；　and　asked　him　if　he　had　danced

many　waltzes　with　her　that　night。　This　I　feigned　to　say　in　a　gay

and　jesting　manner；　yet　in　reality　I　was　imploring　help　of　the

very　Dubkoff　to　whom　I　had　cried　〃Hold　your　tongue！〃　on　the

night　of　the　matriculation　dinner。　By　way　of　answer；　he　made　as

though　he　had　not　heard　me；　and　turned　away。　Next；　I　approached

Woloda；　and　said　with　an　effort　and　in　a　similar　tone　of　assumed

gaiety：　〃Hullo；　Woloda！　Are　you　played　out　yet？〃　He　merely　looked

at　me　as　much　as　to　say；　〃You　wouldn't　speak　to　me　like　that　if

we　were　alone；〃　and　left　me　without　a　word；　in　the　evident　fear

that　I　might　continue　to　attach　myself　to　his　person。



〃My　God！　Even　my　own　brother　deserts　me！〃　I　thought　to　myself。



Yet　somehow　I　had　not　the　courage　to　depart；　but　remained

standing　where　I　was　until　the　very　end　of　the　evening。　At

length；　when　every　one　was　leaving　the　room　and　crowding　into　the

hall；　and　a　footman　slipped　my　greatcoat　on　to　my　shoulders　in

such　a　way　as　to　tilt　up　my　cap；　I　gave　a　dreary；　half…lachrymose

smile；　and　remarked　to　no　one　in　particular：　〃Comme　c'est

gracieux！〃



XXXIX



THE　STUDENTS'　FEAST



NOTWITHSTANDING　that；　as　yet；　Dimitri's　influence　had　kept　me

from　indulging　in　those　customary　students'　festivities　known　as

kutezhi