youth- 第33部分

far　between；　for；　although　I　went　to　the　Nechludoffs　almost　every

evening；　I　seldom　found　other　guests　present。　Thus；　I　came　to　know

the　members　of　this　family　and　their　several　dispositions　well

enough　to　be　able　to　form　clear　ideas　as　to　their　mutual

relations；　and　to　be　quite　at　home　amid　the　rooms　and　furniture

of　their　house。　Indeed；　so　long　as　no　other　guests　were　present；

I　felt　entirely　at　my　ease。　True；　at　first　I　used　to　feel　a

little　uncomfortable　when　left　alone　in　the　room　with　Varenika；

for　I　could　not　rid　myself　of　the　idea　that；　though　far　from

pretty；　she　wished　me　to　fall　in　love　with　her；　but　in　time　this

nervousness　of　mine　began　to　lessen；　since　she　always　looked　so

natural；　and　talked　to　me　so　exactly　as　though　she　were

conversing　with　her　brother　or　Lubov　Sergievna；　that　I　came　to

look　upon　her　simply　as　a　person　to　whom　it　was　in　no　way

dangerous　or　wrong　to　show　that　I　took　pleasure　in　her　company。

Throughout　the　whole　of　our　acquaintance　she　appeared　to　me

merely　a　plain；　though　not　positively　ugly；　girl；　concerning　whom

one　would　never　ask　oneself　the　question；



〃Am　I；　or　am　I　not；　in　love　with　her？〃　Sometimes　I　would　talk　to

her　direct；　but　more　often　I　did　so　through　Dimitri　or　Lubov

Sergievna；　and　it　was　the　latter　method　which　afforded　me　the

most　pleasure。　I　derived　considerable　gratification　from

discoursing　when　she　was　there；　from　hearing　her　sing；　and；　in

general；　from　knowing　that　she　was　in　the　same　room　as　myself；

but　it　was　seldom　now　that　any　thoughts　of　what　our　future

relations　might　ever　be；　or　that　any　dreams　of　self…sacrifice　for

my　friend　if　he　should　ever　fall　in　love　with　my　sister；　came

into　my　head。　If　any　such　ideas　or　fancies　occurred　to　me；　I　felt

satisfied　with　the　present；　and　drove　away　all　thoughts　about　the

future。



Yet；　in　spite　of　this　intimacy；　I　continued　to　look　upon　it　as　my

bounden　duty　to　keep　the　Nechludoffs　in　general；　and　Varenika　in

particular；　in　ignorance　of　my　true　feelings　and　tastes；　and

strove　always　to　appear　altogether　another　young　man　than　what　I

really　wasto　appear；　indeed；　such　a　young　man　as　could　never

possibly　have　existed。　I　affected　to　be　〃soulful〃　and　would　go

off　into　raptures　and　exclamations　and　impassioned　gestures

whenever　I　wished　it　to　be　thought　that　anything　pleased　me；

while；　on　the　other　hand；　I　tried　always　to　seem　indifferent

towards　any　unusual　circumstance　which　I　myself　perceived　or

which　I　had　had　pointed　out　to　me。　I　aimed　always　at　figuring

both　as　a　sarcastic　cynic　divorced　from　every　sacred　tie　and　as　a

shrewd　observer；　as　well　as　at　being　accounted　logical　in　all　my

conduct；　precise　and　methodical　in　all　my　ways　of　life；　and　at

the　same　time　contemptuous　of　all　materiality。　I　may　safely　say

that　I　was　far　better　in　reality　than　the　strange　being　into　whom

I　attempted　to　convert　myself；　yet；　whatever　I　was　or　was　not；

the　Nechludoffs　were　unfailingly　kind　to　me；　and　（happily　for

myself）　took　no　notice　（as　it　now　appears）　of　my　play…acting。

Only　Lubov　Sergievna；　who；　I　believe；　really　believed　me　to　be　a

great　egoist；　atheist；　and　cynic；　had　no　love　for　me；　but

frequently　disputed　what　I　said；　flew　into　tempers；　and　left　me

petrified　with　her　disjointed；　irrelevant　utterances。　Yet　Dimitri

held　always　to　the　same　strange；　something　more　than　friendly；

relations　with　her；　and　used　to　say　not　only　that　she　was

misunderstood　by　every　one；　but　that　she　did　him　a　world　of　good。

This；　however；　did　not　prevent　the　rest　of　his　family　from

finding　fault　with　his　infatuation。



Once；　when　talking　to　me　about　this　incomprehensible　attachment；

Varenika　explained　the　matter　thus：　〃You　see；　Dimitri　is　a

selfish　person。　He　is　very　proud；　and；　for　all　his　intellect；

very　fond　of　praise；　and　of　surprising　people；　and　of　always

being　FIRST；　while　little　Auntie〃　（the　general　nickname　for　Lubov

Sergievna）　〃is　innocent　enough　to　admire　him；　and　at　the　same

time　devoid　of　the　tact　to　conceal　her　admiration。　Consequently

she　flatters　his　vanitynot　out　of　pretence；　but　sincerely。〃



This　dictum　I　laid　to　heart；　and；　when　thinking　it　over

afterwards；　could　not　but　come　to　the　conclusion　that　Varenika

was　very　sensible；　wherefore　I　was　glad　to　award　her　promotion

thenceforth　in　my　regard。　Yet；　though　I　was　always　glad　enough　to

assign　her　any　credit　which　might　arise　from　my　discovering　in

her　character　any　signs　of　good　sense　or　other　moral　qualities；　I

did　so　with　strict　moderation；　and　never　ran　to　any　extreme　pitch

of　enthusiasm　in　the　process。　Thus；　when　Sophia　Ivanovna　（who　was

never　weary　of　discussing　her　niece）　related　to　me　how；　four

years　ago；　Varenika　had　suddenly　given　away　all　her　clothes　to

some　peasant　children　without　first　asking　permission　to　do　so；

so　that　the　garments　had　subsequently　to　be　recovered；　I　did　not

at　once　accept　the　fact　as　entitling　Varenika　to　elevation　in　my

opinion；　but　went　on　giving　her　good　advice　about　the

unpracticalness　of　such　views　on　property。



When　other　guests　were　present　at　the　Nechludoffs　（among　them；

sometimes；　Woloda　and　Dubkoff）　I　used　to　withdraw　myself　to　a

remote　plane；　and；　with　the　complacency　and　quiet　consciousness

of　strength　of　an　habitue　of　the　house；　listen　to　what　others

were　saying　without　putting　in　a　remark　myself。　Yet　everything

that　these　others　said　seemed　to　me　so　immeasurably　stupid　that　I

used　to　feel　inwardly　amazed　that　such　a　clever；　logical　woman　as

the　Princess；　with　her　equally　logical　family；　could　listen　to

and　answer　such　rubbish。　Had　it；　however；　entered　into　my　head　to

compare　what；　others　said　with　what　I　myself　said　when　there

alone；　I　should　probably　have　ceased　to　feel　surprise。　Still　less

should　I　have　continued　to　feel　surprise　had　I　not　believed　that

the　women　of　our　own　householdAvdotia；　Lubotshka；　and　Katenka

were　superior　to　the　rest　of　their　sex；　for　in　that　case　I　should

have　remembered　the　kind　of　things　over　which　Avdotia　and　Katenka

would　laugh　and　jest　with　Dubkoff　from　one　end　of　an　evening　to

the　other。　I　should　have　remembered　that　seldom　did　an　evening

pass　but　Dubkoff　would　first　have；　an　argument　about　something；

and　then　read　in　a　sententious　voice　either　some　verses　beginning

〃Au　banquet　de　la　vie；　infortune　convive〃　or　extracts　from　The

Demon。　In　short；　I　should　have　remembered　what　nonsense　they　used

to　chatter　for　hours　at　a　time。



It　need　hardly　be　said　that；　when　guests　were　present；　Varenika

paid　less　attention　to　me　than　when　we　were　alone；　as　well　as

that　I　was　deprived　of　the　reading　and　music　which　I　so　greatly

loved　to　hear。　When　talking　to　guests；　she　lost；　in　my　eyes；　her

principal　charmthat　of　quiet　seriousness　and　simplicity。　I

remember　how　strange　it　used　to　seem　to　me　to　hear　her

discoursing　on　theatres　and　the　weather　to　my　brother　Woloda！　I

knew　that　of　all　things　in　the　world　he　most　despised　and　shunned

banality；　and　that　Varenika　herself　used　to　make　fun　of　forced

conversations　on　the　weather　and　similar　matters。　Why；　then；　when

meeting　in　society；　did　they　both　of　them　talk　such　intolerable

nothings；　and；　as　it　were；　shame　one　another？　After　talks　of　this

kind　I　used　to　feel　silently　resentful　against　Woloda；　as　well　as

next　day　to　rally　Varenika　on　her　overnight　guests。　Yet　one

result　of　it　was　that　I　derived　all　the　greater　pleasure　from

being　one　of　the　Nechludoffs'　family　circle。　Also；　for　some

reason　or　another　I　began　to　prefer　meeting　Dimitri　in　his

mother's　drawing…room　to　being　with　him　alone。



XLI



MY　FRIENDSHIP　WITH　THE　NECHLUDOFFS



At　this　period；　indeed；　my　friendship　with　Dimitri　hung　by　a

hair。　I　had　been　criticising　him　too　long　not　to　have　discovered

faults　in　his　character；　for　it　is　only　in　first　youth　that　we

love　passionately　and　therefore　love　only　perfect　people。　As　soon

as　the　mists　engendered　by　love　of　this　kind　begin　to　dissolve；

and　to　be　penetrated　by　the　clear　beams　of　reason；　we　see　the

object　of　our　adoration　in　his　true　shape；　and　with　all　his

virtues　and　failings　exposed。　Some　of　those　failings　strike　us

with　the　exaggerated　force　of　the　unexpected；　and　combine　with

the　instinct　for　novelty　and　the　hope　that　perfection　may　yet　be

found　in　a　fellow…man　to　induce　us　not　only　to　feel　coldness；　but

even　aversion；　towards　the　late　object　of　our　adoration。

Consequently；　desiring　it　no　longer；　we　usually　cast　it　from　us；

and　pass　onwards　to　seek　fresh　perfection。　For　the　circumstance

that　that　was　not　what　occurred　with　respect　to　my　own　relation

to　Dimitri；　I　was　indebted　to　his　stubborn；　punctilious；　and　more

critical　than　impulsive　attachment　to　myselfa　tie　which　I　felt

ashamed　to　break。　Moreover；　our　strange　vow　of　frankness　bound　us

together。　We　were　afraid　that；　if　we　parted；　we　should　leave　in

one　another's　power　all　the　incriminatory　moral　secrets　of　which

we　had　made　mutual　confession。　At　the　same　time；　our　rule　of

frankness　had　long　ceased　to　be　faithfully　observed；　but；　on　the

contrary；　proved　a　frequent　cause　of　constraint；　and　brought

about　strange　relations　between　us。



Almost　every　time　that　winter　that　I　went　upstairs　to　Dimitri's

room；　I　used　to　find　there　a　University　friend　of　his　named

Bezobiedoff；　with　whom　he　appeared　to　be　very　much　taken　up。

Bezobiedoff　was　a　small；　slight　fellow；　with　a　face　pitted　over

with　smallpox；　freckled；　effeminate　hands；　and　a　huge　flaxen

moustache　much　in　need　of　the　comb。　He　was　invariably　dirty；

shabby；　uncouth；　and　uninteresting。　To　me；　Dimitri's　relations

with　him　were　as　unintelligible　as　his　relations　with　Lubov

Sergievna；　and　the　only　reason　he　could　have　had　for　choosing

such　a　man　for　his　associate　was　that　in　the　whole　University

there　was　no　worse…looking　student　than　Bezobiedoff。　Yet　that

alone　would　have　been　sufficient　to　make　Dimitri　extend　him　his

friendship；　and；　as　a　matter　of　fact；　in　all　his　intercourse　with

this　fellow　he　seemed　to